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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find this really quite...well, pathetic.

212 replies

BritFish · 03/04/2010 18:10

my son has just got a new girlfriend, who lives the next town over but goes to the same college. she is lovely, and she was telling me today about how her and 3 friends are getting the train to a theme park as a birthday thing. the train station is a good 30 minute walk to the theme park, which isnt a problem, except they dont know the area.
i asked her if noone could give her a lift and she said he dad was working and her mum doesnt drive on motorways.
i immediately thought shed had an accident on one and that made her nervous, i asked in a roundabout way and DS's girlfriend said that everyone always assumes that but her mum just refuses to drive on motorways as they are 'too much stress'
she sighed and just said they [her and her dad] had given up trying to talk sense into her, and that its caused massive fallouts and problems in the past.

AIBU in thinking this woman is deeply unreasonable and frankly worrying?
fair enough to dislike motorways, im not keen myself, but its got to be done sometimes!
surely to be safe on the road you need to be comfortable with different roads etc?
i still cant believe they dont do motorway driving in driving tests though...

OP posts:
EmmaBemma · 04/04/2010 20:08

I don't understand how anyone could be bothered about where other people do or don't like to drive. I know it gets said a lot, but really. Don't you have anything else to worry about?

MorrisZapp · 04/04/2010 20:52

That's great lovechoc, but people like me don't want or need to conquer their fear of huge junctions or motorways. They can simply avoid driving on them.

If I hated baked beans, would you insist that I ate them every day until I had learned to stomach them?

I'd rather that people stayed well away from roads they were scared of. If they have some pressing need to learn to use those roads, they can get extra lessons or whatever. If like me they can just avoid them then all to the better.

unavailable · 04/04/2010 21:03

In what way do you find "this woman...frankly worrying" OP?

Perhaps you could worry about what your son has been saying about you to her and how she has interpreted it.

hobbittoes · 04/04/2010 21:04

you can drive on the motorway - she cant and therefore she is unreasonable, worrying and pathetic - this statement makes you sound very smug and intolerant!

Rockbird · 04/04/2010 21:12

mangoandlime Hangar Lane?

I'm also a Wandsworth/A3 driver. Hangar Lane scares me and I only hear it on the traffic reports!

2old4thislark · 04/04/2010 21:52

mangoandlime Hanger Lane Gyratory System - piece of p*ss! Just follow the lanes round - it's all worked out for you. Admittedly this only works if everyone else's lane discipline is spot on too!

But then I HAD to get used to this as I have to go round here to worship at IKEA regularly......

nubbins · 04/04/2010 22:06

I havn't read all the posts, but I do agree it's a bit pathetic to refuse to drive on motorways.

Surely doing 70 on a road with many lanes all going in the same direction is less daunting than say, a single track country lane with a speed limit of 60mph, where you meet cars head on all the time, have to deal with reversing to passing places etc? And many roads have a limit of 40 or 60mph, so a combined head on collision speed of 80 or 120mph and not even a crash barrier between the lanes. How is a motorway more scary than that?

I can only think it is a mental block that people need to get past and they would be fine. I was scared stiff of motorways when I passed my test,but I took steps to sort myself out and got over it.

mangoandlime · 04/04/2010 22:06

The very first time I drove on Hangar Lane I was collecting my new car from Fiat, with (now) dh not having seen me drive up to that point! Yep, as long as everyone sticks to lanes, all is well. Much like a motorway really!!! Piece of piss if you're used to it, I guess.

mangoandlime · 04/04/2010 22:09

So, nubbins, did you used to think of yourself as pathetic, or were you less hard on yourself ?!

nubbins · 04/04/2010 22:23

yes I did think I was being pathetic, which is why I made myself stop being pathetic. If I thought it was OK why would I have bothered to do anything about it?

pasqueflower · 04/04/2010 22:23

Haven't read all of this, so someone else may have said it.

Do any of you know any men of non-pensionable age who refuse to drive on a motorway?

I'm guessing probably not (and I'm excluding older drivers because it does seem to be common to be more nervous with advanced age).

So why do women have such hang-ups about motorway driving?

My theory is that at least some of it comes down to the stereotype that we're fed constantly that women are bad drivers.

We're not any worse than men of course - but if someone keeps telling you you're useless (even subliminally), then you start believing it.

My dd has recently passed her driving test, and it's very tempting to tell her to avoid certain routes (because as her mum I worry about her of course, and I know which roads are trickier) - but I'm firmly of the opinion that you have to feel the fear and do things anyway - that's what most men seem to do.

It's a risk assessment - DD has had good instruction, is a competent driver, passed first time - so she just has to get on with it. And it can limit your life a lot if you're a driver who won't drive on certain roads.

j0807bump · 04/04/2010 22:32

my mum really dislikes driving on motorways and avoids at all costs - namely petrol- so i'm not suprised at others saying the same. it's not pathetic, more a phobia.

i don't drive and am not a very good passenger esp. on motorways. i hate the speed, the amount of traffic at high speeds in close proximatey to eachother, the dickheads idiots on their moblies, in amd out ing between the lanes with no indication, the hgvs that don't use their mirrors to move over....

motorways are bloody scary places no matter how many times DH tells me theyre statistically the safeset place to be on the road

MarthaFarquhar · 04/04/2010 22:34

YABU to give a toss what this lady does - why does it matter?

but I am at all those on the thread who don't drive on motorways. Surely like any phobia you tackle it through graded exposure?

I hated, HATED motorway driving when I started, but built up slowly, learning new routes, with a very confident and sympathetic passenger to guide me, until I felt comfortable to gradually start short, familiar motorway journeys myself. It took 3 months before I was ready to out by myself, and another 3 of completing familiar journeys before I was ready to go off piste, but learning these skills has improved my driving in town immeasurably.

piscesmoon · 04/04/2010 22:38

I don't think that it is anything to do with women being told they are bad drivers. I know that I am a good driver -it is the other drivers being 'bad drivers' that worries me!
I don't like feeding on to motorways with lorries thundering down the inside lane, I worry about people letting me in before I get to the end of the lane.
I don't like joining a motor way when you are not in the inside lane and can't get across.
I don't like the thick spray in heavy rain.
I don't like it where you want to stay on the motor way and have to get onto the middle lane with heavy traffic.
I don't like the high speed on motor ways.
I don't like the way people pull out at the last minute to overtake in front of you, when you are already overtaking.
I don't like the fact that you can't stop.
I don't like the fact that if you go wrong it takes you miles out of your way to put it right.
I don't like the fact that if you are in a ten mile tail back you have no way out.
I don't like overtaking long lorries and being a sandwich with stuff on the outside lane, or the person behind driving on your bumper because they think you are taking too long to overtake.
I don't like people who think that the inside lane is a slow lane and stick to the middle lane when going slowly.
When the DCs were little I lived in dread of them wanting the toilet!
I could go on.
I go on them when I have to, but if I can find a reasonable alternative I will. If DCs can do it by public transport and walking I think it a very good idea!

Quattrocento · 04/04/2010 22:41

Pasqueflower - I did indeed say it

Wasn't well received

Do you think women do this to play up to men? Is it some ghastly form of flirtation? 'Poor little me, I am too weak and feeble even to consider driving on those horrid dangerous motorways. Or change a plug. I need a STRONG and CAPABLE man to do that for me ...'

mollybob · 04/04/2010 22:43

My brother age 43 doesn't do motorways - neither do I. About twice a year because of where I live and my commitments/daily routine etc I am mildly inconvenienced by this - I then go a slightly longer route because it's not worth the hassle for me to face my phobia for such rare occasions. I have no idea where the phobia came from - I had been happily doing motorways for about 10 years (we moved here from elsewhere about 6 months before I had my first motorway panic attack). If I had to then I'd face it but right now I just accept it.

piscesmoon · 05/04/2010 08:28

I know men who don't like motorway driving. The only difference is that women don't mind admitting it. I don't feel that it is making a statement about me. It is a small facet of my personality-I don't like motorway driving and find alternatives where possible-so what?! It isn't important.

claig · 05/04/2010 08:57

YABU, everybody is different aand dislikes different things. Respect other people's decisions and how they are.

groundhogs · 05/04/2010 09:05

Well I'm surprised too at the number of non-Motorway drivers. My mum is becoming less and less happy to drive long distances, on motorways etc. While it's a little annoying, I'm not in my 60s, so perhaps can't understand. I love driving, so did my mum, but who knows, maybe I'll find myself saying the same in 20-odd years time.

Piscesmoon makes very good points, Motorways are a little like a 'warzone' at times... I also find that different motorways seem to have different personalities...

M3 is FAST, average speed on a Monday morning always used to be well into 80's. M4 too is fast though not as fast as the M3 in general, and pretty aggressive, tailgaters etc.

M25, pretty poor manners, 'fast' lane usually full, the other 2 lanes usually empty, pretty determined tailgaters, but not so bad on the high speeds.

If people don't want to drive on motorways, that's fine, there are always A roads, or railways to get them to their destination. If no-one had this hatred of motorways, they'd be even more full than they are now!

piscesmoon · 05/04/2010 10:12

It doesn't detract from being a competent, successful person. I have always felt a bit pathetic, so it is a relief to find others the same. I know someone that I have always admired, she holds down a tough job, has bags of confidence and an answer to everything + a good dose of common sense-in a way she is my role model. Last year I discovered that she doesn't drive on motorways ever-she goes to pieces. We are all different.

sarah293 · 05/04/2010 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

2old4thislark · 05/04/2010 10:54

It is very empowering to know that you can get in any car and drive anywhere. I don't want to be a pathetic female who HAS to rely on a man..........

plimsolls · 05/04/2010 11:47

Who said anything about relying on a man for motorway driving anyway?! My DP can't even drive..... I either rely on courage or trains when I have to travel large distances.

2old4thislark · 05/04/2010 11:55

malifence did - said 'that's what husbands are for' [hmmm]

Riven if you don't live near one then I guess it doesn't matter if you don't want to or are scared of driving on them. Where I live it certainly makes life easier if you ARE a confident driver. Motorways, huge roundabouts and busy town centres etc.

piscesmoon · 05/04/2010 12:17

I don't rely on a man for motorway driving! I do it if I have to, but it doesn't mean that I like it or do it if there is a choice. I am going 200 miles on one next week but I choose my time and I come off the junction before most people because I like it better as a junction. My nearest Theme Park is one where everyone would go by motorway-I have my own route by back roads and it is actually quicker!

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