Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to work but cant because of crippling childcare cant I have a life?

331 replies

mummycanthavealife · 02/04/2010 20:21

Really want to work but kids under 5. my dp works long hours so never sure when he will be home, I was offered a job but had to turn it down because my hourly rate would of paid for my two children to be looked after so turned it down.
I really want to work give my kids a better quality of life but what is the point should I wait till my children are at school advice greatly appreciated,dont think im entitled to any help either,thanks mn.

OP posts:
AnnieLobeseder · 02/04/2010 20:27

Been there, done that, hated it! I was stuck at home for 18mo after DD2 was born, until DD1 started school, and if DD1 had been born on her due date (7 Sept) instead of end of Aug like she was, I'd still be home! Thank you for showing up early, DD1!!

I've ranted about this for ages on MN... childcare tax credits should be based solely on the salary of the person applying for them, not on joint income as a couple. Because far too many women who want to be working are stuck at home as they can't afford the childcare and their partner earns too much for them to qualify for help. It's sexist, opressive to women and completely unfair.

There are many on here who argue with me though, and think women should be trapped at home with no option to work if they have high-earning partners .

I really don't think there's much you can do, apart from actually pay to go to work, until your DCs start school. Sorry!

itsmeitsmeolord · 02/04/2010 20:32

So you feel that with a high earning partner you should still be able to claim benefits??

V odd, you have a strange sense of entitlement.

OP, YANBU to be peed off with being stuck at home but have you considered distance lernig or similar to boost your skills for when you can work?

muggglewump · 02/04/2010 20:36

Isn't childcare a joint expense?
Why can't the man pay it if he's earning enough?

lovemyOJ · 02/04/2010 20:37

YANBU i am in the smae boat and have just managed after 6months of searching to find a saturday job, kids are looked after by DH as he doesnt work weekends, not ideal though as sat and sunday is our only proper family time.

Gov are all about gettin mums back to work, but only once kids are 3 do you get free childcare, thats great so i have to wait until jan for my DD but another 2 years for me DS

WorzselMummage · 02/04/2010 20:41

It's shit isn't it.

I work nights in a nursing home and get minimal sleep just so I can earn enough to have a bit of a life. I still earn peanuts but at least I get to keep what I earn and don't have to hand it over to someone to look after my offspring.

There are ways of working but it isn't easy

MrsVidic · 02/04/2010 20:41

I can totally sympathise- childcare will cost me £9000 per year and if I had another dc it would be nearly all of my salary after tax! So I have to wait to have another dc- it seems that going back to work is a luxury you have to be able to afford if your DP/DH is on a decent salary.

Its as if the gvt are giving the message - if you can afford not to work we wont give you any incentive to go back to work. IYSWIM

Tiredmumno1 · 02/04/2010 20:42

Why shouldnt the stay at home carer have some sort of benefit even if it is small, as if he/she wants to work but cant because of reasons like this then it is a horrid feeling, i hate asking for money even off dp just for essentials, and we've been together 8 years, i just hate asking people for things as i have to rely on someone else. And isnt a sahm a full time job in itself.

mintyfresh · 02/04/2010 20:43

You get some funding when you children are 3 though - wouldn't this help? I have friends who work - barely pays for the childcare but they feel it is important to them. I would love not to work but DH doesn't earn enough to pay the bills unfortunately.

itsmeitsmeolord · 02/04/2010 20:43

But didn;t you choose to have those kids? Why should the government + tax payers fork out for those reasons. Benefits are for hardship.

I knew when I had my dd I would be skint for the early years. It's normal. We seem to hve forgotten tht..

thisisyesterday · 02/04/2010 20:43

more money does not necessarily equate to a better quality of life though OP.

I can kind of understand wanting to get out there and have some adult conversation and do something for yourself, but at the same time I think... it's only a few years. it's such a short time we get to spend with our children before they're out at school for most of the day every day
why waste it by working when you could be spending it with them?

I feel SO lucky that I don't have to work, and while I would appreciate a second income (if there was a way round the childcare expense!) I think i'd miss them a lot, and miss out on lots of the little things they do and learn.

make the most of it while you can I reckon. there's plenty of time for getting jobs once they're at school. this is such a short time in the grand scheme of things

cluckyduck · 02/04/2010 20:46

Well you did choose to have children, sorry OP. Although if one of your DC is 3 or over arent they entitled to Early Years Education grant?

What about working from home in the evenings, doing Virtual PAing or the like?

DinahRod · 02/04/2010 20:47

Because it means the woman is paying her employer for the privilege to work and not the other way round! Combined, dh and I tip over into not being eligible for WTC, but childcare and petrol costs meant my p/t teaching salary was completely negated. This is why the childcare voucher scheme was our salvation when the dcs were at their 'costliest'.

OP, do you know if either your dh's work or yours offer the childcare voucher scheme?

WorzselMummage · 02/04/2010 20:49

If your skint them more money almost certainly means a better quality of life even if all that really means is a new top from new look and a cuppa with friends once a week. Life is for living. It's fucking shite when you don't have enough money to live it!

If might not seem so important if your well off already.

thisisyesterday · 02/04/2010 20:51

but you could argue that if her husband earns enough that she doesn't have to work, indeed enough that they are not entitled to any benefits either, that they are not skint?

mrstonice · 02/04/2010 20:52

No dp is self employed, mine doesn't.
Aside from that all we are entitled to is £40 a month for working tax credits?.my youngest gets her playgroup placement paid for next Jan.

gingernutlover · 02/04/2010 21:00

why does everyone seem to assume that the childcare must be paid for out of the mother's salary?

Surely it is a matter of working out how much comes into the family in total including both salaries and then calculating what would be going out including all bills (which includes childcare surely?)

so if the husband earns £50,000 a year, the wife earn £12,000 and childcare is say £10,000 then the nett income for the family is £52,000 ?????

Or am I missing something really obvious?

ruddynorah · 02/04/2010 21:00

me and dh work back to back. he does 6am-3pm 5 days a week and i do 5pm-10pm 4 days a week. works for us.

if it's making you so unhappy then maybe your dh needs to look at his work pattern and see what he could do to help enable you to work too? dh put in a flexible working form just the same as i did.

ruddynorah · 02/04/2010 21:02

gingernut i totally agree. if you are both working then you both need the childcare, so the cost is a joint one.

rainbowinthesky · 02/04/2010 21:03

Do people really think child tax credits should just be based on the mothers income? Crazy. Surely the father is contributing to his children also and childcare comes from both.

parakeet · 02/04/2010 21:03

I work part-time and I find that my income barely covers my childcare costs. It's hardly worth it financially BUT I know that if I had stopped working completely for five years until my children were both at school, I would have found it very very difficult to resurrect my career. So in the long-term, it will be worth it.

Plus also, I am fortunate enough to really enjoy my job, which helps a lot.

DinahRod · 02/04/2010 21:05

But it makes no financial sense to work if, by returning to work, your childcare costs are more than you earn. You are paying for the privilege of working!

CappuccinoCarrie · 02/04/2010 21:06

There are other ways to 'have a life' other than going to work. Go out with friends in the evening, have a hobby, do weekend family day trips, or try joint babysitting with friends so once in a while you give each other an afternoon off.
As has been said, being a full time mum is a job, and a precious job at that.
In our family, the income that is earned, whoever its earned by, is our family's money, in our family's account, for our family to live off. No 'asking the other for money', I really don't understand that mentality.

ruddynorah · 02/04/2010 21:08

it makes sense if it's keeping you on the ladder, keeping your potential for promotion and more money, or keeping your pension and other perks. it also makes sense if you want to be out there working either for the social side, self esteem or generally time away from the home and children.

blueshoes · 02/04/2010 21:11

mummycan, just wanted to say I understand the craving to go back to work. You could not pay me to stay at home with 2 dcs under 5. Not everyone is the same.

Sorry you are in this situation. The only non-benefit help for parents are childcare vouchers and the surestart funding for 25 hours a week of free nursery after the child's 3rd birthday. That might subsidise you £100-200 or so a month in childcare.

Some women do 'pay' to stay in work. I guess the other way of seeing it is looking at joint rather than the 2nd wage earner's income, for a different perspective.

emsyj · 02/04/2010 21:13

Don't people think about this stuff before having children??? I would have thought that you would have been aware that this would happen tbh. YABU to complain about it now. If your earning potential is not that great, then of course child care for more than one child is going to cost more than you are going to earn. Them's the breaks - and it's not for ever. YABU.