To want to work but cant because of crippling childcare cant I have a life?

[mummycanthavealife]

Really want to work but kids under 5. my dp works long hours so never sure when he will be home, I was offered a job but had to turn it down because my hourly rate would of paid for my two children to be looked after so turned it down.
I really want to work give my kids a better quality of life but what is the point should I wait till my children are at school advice greatly appreciated,dont think im entitled to any help either,thanks mn.

Someone married to a low earning dressmaker?

Xenia, I am not convinced that earning many times your partner's salary is necessarily a good thing.

Earning roughly equal is good because it a good platform to demand equal rights in the domestic sphere and sharing of the wage earner burden.

But earning many times the man means the pressure is on the woman to continue to be the breadwinner if someone's career had to give or risk being plunged into poverty like in the example you gave. Fine if that is the woman is happy to be the sole or main wage earner, but not if she wants flexibility.

Also, in a divorce, the woman breadwinner who spent less time at home is at risk of losing main custody to the children (usually equates to absolute tragedy for the mother) and paying maintenance to their ex, which men have done for ages, I guess.

could be clari

anyone I know who works, whether they are earning big bucks or minimum wage values their money, and doesn't work to buy frivolous rubbish, which is what "pin money" is spent on, I think.

Undercovamutha, you sound a lot like me.

there's many things I'd change if I had a magic wand, but accepting your situation and the choices you have made makes for a lot less heart ache, I've found.

we're all different, I don't think I'm clever enough to be a high earner and I sure haven't the stamina for it, so saying thats what I should aspire to be just doesn't make sense.

I was assuming that women on her who don't earn enough to pay childcare costs probably were married to men who earn a good bit more. If a man only earns say 20k then he couldn't afford childcare costs either. Is that what we're concluding - the women on the thread mostly could only on the open market earn about minimum wage level but their husbands might earn double that and also the good point above that if you want to convince a husband you may as well stay home (to leave yourself open to that option) it's much better to marry the man who earns double what you do so it's not difficult to argue you could stay home. Whereas if you're the surgeon on £150k a year and you marry the male hospital cleaner on £14k a year it's going to be a bit hard to say sunny Jim you'll be cleaning until you're 65 because I'm going to stay at home and forget the salary of the surgeon. yes all that makes sense but I don't think it realyl helps women long term. Anyway it's much more fun to have spare money you earn and the choices it gives you.

ssd, a mother at my dd's schoolgate recently went back to work at a school as a learning support assistant term time only. She openly admits that although she does not earn much, the hours are family friendly and it allows her to pay for little luxuries like holidays and treats aka 'pin money'.

Not sure that's what I am concluding Xenia- I think I can make more than that (know I could, based on job offers received) but no idea about any others for sure.

£20k is enough here to easily afford a CM, isn't it intteresting how it varies so much? In Wales DH was offered £15k for a management position and the HR team were shocked he turned it down and earned far more in his existing role, even when taking travel / tolls into account. Not sure bandying numbers about is ever helpful on MN for that reason- varies so much. As indeed typically does what it costs to purchase a comfy lifestyle wherever you are. DH's usual wages would buy a hovel in the city he works in, or soemwhere rather nice here.

I think its fair to say that a lot of women stay in (or move into) jobs that they believe will be family friendly.

One of the reasons I stayed in the public sector (when I probably could have moved into a much higher paid private sector job a few years prior to having kids) is that my employer is very open to flexible working.

I think this is one reason that women tend to earn less than men - they make job/career choices based on factors other than money.

(My Aunt recently went as an LSA at a school, she has a first from LSE and worked for a well know camera firm in their IT management team. said she was much happier as a result. Luckily her dh still works in said team and the money is used to buy the lifestyle they wanted- whcih is someone about with the boys during the last eyar or so before Uni)

Sometimes it really is a case of money can't buy me.... when DH and I worked long hours and rarely saw each other we bickered badly. There are definite upsides to being home based, though obv. not everyone palces the same value on relationships as others do.

I want, I want, I want

I honestly do not not know any woman who works for 'pin money'. I must move in very 'poor' circles....

Working for 'pin money' is a luxury. It pre-supposes the other half is earning a decent wage that the family can live on without the need for pin money.

(welel Cl I suspect when my ex husband worked less and were together at lot more and he was my part time PA etc that conversely helped us realise how dreadfully badly we'd always got on so doesn't always work that way round and of course because I didn't do what most women do which is marry up and marry for money and ensure teh man always earns more I thn have to make the big pay out on divorce which is another downside but then had I never worked there'd have been nothing much to split on divorce and we'd all be worse off so who knows but it's a very interesting subject that in 2010 so very very very many women earn so very much less than their husbands. I find that amazing).

And yes I realise the average wage is £20k and plenty of people are under that and that the minimum wage full time is about £13k a year so two people on that is only about £26k and I can imagine how hard that can be to manage on.

Punctuation please Xenia.

I earn more than DH. Even when you take into consideration the 350 pm on travelling + childcare costs (and I wasn't working for 8 months last year so it feels like the childcare is an added cost of My job). But childcare is always a 50/50 split.

Oh I know it doesn't work for all Xenia, DH and I met at work so do get on better the more time we spend togetehr, somewhat unsuually.

My point wasn't that people earn less- of course you know that- but that £20k in the SE is avstly different to £20k in my part of Wales: here it is a damned good wage that is enough for a small family. In the SE I suspect- er not.

Actually one of the reasons we moved here from Somerset, why live in an formerc A road located council house when the same money can get you a lovely old cottage (esp. if your income comes from a place midway between the two places)

Anjd absolutely childcare should be a 50 / 50 split, ridiculous otherwise- doesn't matter who actually forks it out as long as it is balanced (think I paid CM and DH paid food)

I earn a multiple of my DH's salary. He earned more than I did when we got together - partly because he is older than I am. But in fact I don't think I thought about money at all. Which was probably very dewy eyed and naive of me. I should have been a bit more practical about it, I suppose.

Xenia - I'm the breadwinner in our house. Our income is considerably below the 26k you mention would be very difficult to manage on. My pay is pretty crap for what I do, but I choose to work in the public sector for the security (which is real actually as our council "can't afford" redundancies), the flexible hours and the pension. DH previously earned more than me when he was working, but on short term contracts which would have meant insecurity and living apart for long stretches. Being the main breadwinner is not a great position to be in as a mother - it's not something I'd recommend as a lifestyle choice.

cost of childcare being a 50/50 split sounds great in principle but doesn't reflect the reality of a joint household budget. the real calculation that a family has to do is work out which gives you more: one salary and no childcare costs, or 2 salaries minus childcare costs.

I agree with hw but in doing the sums take 100% off the net pay of the wife and also the husband. If you're under it as we were in 1983 (both of us would have been) then decide. I know I was on an upwards line of pay increases (being so sure I am brilliant at what I do etc etc) so for one of us to work at a loss for 2 years in effect which we did was worth it when I was 22 when you think about what I will earn from age 24 - 75 or whenever I retire. If instead you know your work will always be minimum wage both now and at 75 then of course that's different although even then plenty of people only retain their sanity and are only good parents if they have some work, some outside interest.

agree FioFio

Its called LIFE, and its not always easy.....

p

I'm suprised how many couple don't consider the costs of raising a child when they enter into parenthood. This includes childcare costs or how to work around it eg split shifts as just mentioned.

Given the cost of raising a child is similar to some mortgages, I think it's very poor foresight that people just get on with popping out the kids without planning or finding a solution ahead of time. Would you agree to a mortgage then worry about how to pay for it later?

I can't afford nursery fees x2 so DC 2 will have to wait until either DD is at school or I'm promoted at work.

If there was an unplanned pregnancy we'd have to move to reduce our outgoings or find another solution.

I think it's better to have less money and more children, though better for the children too who haven't a clue when they are little what they do and don't have.

But plenty of women take two jobs, work weekends and evenings and build up businesses and by working twice as hard as most people earn a lot more. it's not rocket science even if it's two cleaning jobs than than one.

Split shifts is great in principle. Not so easy in practice though. I can't imagine ever being in the position where both of us could a) find a suitable job that we can do part time and b) choose our hours! But I suppose if you're in a big town or city and you don't have a specialised career then it might be easier.