"They fuck you up, your mum and dad..."

[AgentZigzag]

Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Were you fucked up by your parents? And is it possible to predict what you'll do that'll fuck up your own children?

Grief, haven't read this since I was a teenager too and yes, at the time I had a real right to believe they'd fucked me up. Everything that could happen in a traic childhood had happened,the feeling of being fucked up dwindled slowly as I started to face the huge challenge of parenting and how to try and do it all diff. Major breakthrough last year(25 yearslater!) when I culd literally face parents again and though not planned hug them! For 25 years I'd been scared of this man and there I stood in front of a broken man and saw that I was the strong one....so no, they don't fuck you up however horrendous the childhood they deal out. As an adult we have to choose to move on and not fuck up the rest of our life or that of our children(good that we have a whole life to learn in isn't it?)

LeQueen I also love Larkin - particularly 'Love Songs in Age', 'An Arundel Tomb' and 'For Sidney Bechet' (best line: On me your voice falls as they say love should, Like an enormous yes)

my parents fucked me up enormously but I can see why they did it (they had their own problems) and get on well with them now.

Midori, good for you but some people have grown up with terrible sexual/physical abuse and I think they are quite justified in saying their parents fucked them up. So get over it.

The only compliment that my mother has ever given me is that I am a good mum. I tell my DC that I love them every day. I kiss and cuddle them and sit them on my knee for as long as they will stay there. I can't ever remember having a kiss or cuddle with my Mum or her telling me that she loves me.

I can remember her slapping me across the face many times. Or telling me that I looked like a slut when I was around 10/11. I can remember her pushing my brother over and kicking him in the stomach. Or pushing his face in sink full of cold water.

I have a very hot and cold relationship with my Mum. Some days are OK and then I remember things from my childhood which fill me with resentment and rage. As other people have said on here, you can't change things, but I have taken it all on board and its made me determined to have a happy and healthy relationship with my own DC.

"Midori, good for you but some people have grown up with terrible sexual/physical abuse and I think they are quite justified in saying their parents fucked them up. So get over it."

Yes, and I am one of those people. I am over it thanks. My parents didn't 'fuck me up' because I haven't allowed someone else's actions or what happened to me when I was too young to have any sort of control over it, to affect every aspect of my life or mess me up emotionally.

'The only compliment that my mother has ever given me is that I am a good mum. I tell my DC that I love them every day. I kiss and cuddle them and sit them on my knee for as long as they will stay there. I can't ever remember having a kiss or cuddle with my Mum or her telling me that she loves me.'

Ditto , the only time she has said she loved me when I was on the phone to her in tears telling her I had lost much wanted baby (m/c at 9 weeks).
I've no doubt that she does love me, she has just never been very demonstative, where as I am very kissy and cuddly with Ds, I tell him I love him umpteen times a day, and have to restrain myself from kissing and cuddling him all the time because he is just so adorable!

My parents could have screwed me up, went through some seriously grim stuff, including my dad trying to strangle my mother when he walked out on her. But at some point you've got to take responsibility for your own life and ensure that you don't repeat the mistakes of the last generation. It may be that you need help to do so (from loved ones/ counselling etc.) but it is choice we have to make.

Still I am pretty sure I will make some fuck ups for DS somewhere along the line...

I was indeed, my life up until meeting DH read like a script from Eastenders or a family you would see on Jeremy Kyle.

Having gone through the childhood that I did I am absolutely desperate to make sure my DC don't suffer the same. Will I succeed? Who can say but I will try my best to give them everything I longed for (& I'm not talking material things here). DH had an amazing childhood, he is very close to both his parents who are still married 30 odd years down the line & still live in his childhood home so there are parents out there who haven't completely fucked up their DCs lives.

On another note another Larkin fan here, one of my favourites is To Failure

Difficult question to answer, but what is it do you think that makes some people repeat the terrible abuse their parents meted out to them, on their own children?

They do know better, they know how it feels and what it can do to a child, so why let the cycle continue?

My dad fucked off if thats of any relevance?

My dad fucking off makes me look at my wonderful dh and his lovely relationship with our dds and marvel, just marvel (god I have been on the wine) at how great it can all be.

Hmm, mine were not good parents.

I made the decision to not have children.

That decision was over ruled by my overwhelming need to have a child aged 30.
So,I made the decision then to not be a parent like my parents.
I am nothing like them, i try my hardest every day to not be like them.

The worst thing in the whole world, THE most devastating thought in my head is "God, i sound like my mother" because that would mean i am failing, and i have allowed myself to be influenced and brain washed into thinking that they were right.

My parents were definitely fucked up by their parents and then tried very hard not to fuck up their kids lives (but totally screwed each other up!) - but they did leave me with a few ishoos. So I love that poem and agree it contains much truth.

I am doing my best not to fuck up my children but I know I will pass on my faults as well as my good points - just as the girls have my nice hair and big eyes but also my huge arse - c'est la vie!

A ' brattish' poem if ever I heard one.All parents make mistakes and do things wrong, we are all fucked up by our parents to some extent, and do the same to our own kids.
That's because there is no such thing as a perfect parent because everybody has a different idea of what one is.
I once read that anyone who THINKS they are a good parent, should be assured that they are not.

My mum and dad were amazing and I miss my dad with all my heart every day.

I am so lucky to have had my childhood (and adulthood).

Children are so vulnerable and parents can fuck them up so easily. It's scary when you think about it.

brassband, maybe you werent f*d up enough to find that poem poignant.
it is very true, though.

Oh! I so agree. Mine didn't even speak the same language as each other or their children. So my own saying goes. You plant a pakistani carrot in England you get a carrot. BUT if you plant a Pakistani human seed in a Spainish woman in England!!!! YOU DON'T GET A PAKISTANI KID. He got it in the end

I think it's a ghastly poem by a ghastly poet.

little silver I agree.
Horrible nasty little poem

Bravo JoeyBetany!! Loving that version , (because thankfully I was not done over by my folks.)

My parents parents fucked them up and then my parents parents fuck us all up! Family is a wierd concept!

My parents have tried very hard not to fuck
us up by default unfortunately they didn't know we were already fucked up!!

I pray and I worry and I pray that I don't fuck my dc up and that I can protect them from being fucked up! A task in which my parents failed! I'm not judging it's just fact!

I love my parents!