"They fuck you up, your mum and dad..."

[AgentZigzag]

Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Were you fucked up by your parents? And is it possible to predict what you'll do that'll fuck up your own children?

If I thought my childrens childhood was going to be anything like mine was - I would never have had them.

I'm so sorry to hear about your brothers lucky, but what you said about doing the total opposite of what your Mum did just goes to show that parenting isn't a foregone conclusion with the outcome set in stone.

It's heartening to see lots of people who haven't been fucked up, more proof that there's hope for us yet

Here's the full version :

They tuck you up, your Mum and Dad
They read you Peter Rabbit, too.
They give you all the treats they had
And add some extra, just for you.

They were tucked up when they were small,
(Pink perfume, blue tobacco-smoke),
By those whose kiss healed any fall,
Whose laughter doubled any joke.

Man hands on happiness to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
So love your parents all you can
And have some cheerful kids yourself

Adrian Mitchell.

My childhood wasn't perfect but it was more good than bad and my parents just did what they thought was right at the time. It made me the person I am today - mostly ok I hope.

I've been crying ever since I read this poem; my mum died a few weeks ago and I'd do anything just to have her back or to be back in my childhood when I thought she'd be there forever to make things better.

I could probably say I was fucked up by my parents, I probably have more reason to than most.

OR, I could decide that the way they parented (or didn't!) me gave me the strength I now have as an adult and taught me to be independant. I don't bear any grudges against my parents, specifically my Mum. She had her own reasons for behaving the way she did and although it may not have always been immediately obvious, she did and does love us. Any sort of 'non forgiveness' on my part will only do me harm, so I don't see the point.

I hate it when people winge on about how awful their parents were and how they fucked up their lives. You're an adult for goodness sake, just take repsonsibility for your own feelings and do something about it.

Philip Larkin was a total cunt the last time I met him, he chucked a glass of Babycham over me and Rollo! And our crime... we mistook him for the Man from DelMonte! Honestly he is the most "fucked up" individual it was ever our misfortune to meet! Rollo suggested he take up Bikram Yoga and attend Family therapy sessions to sort out his anger issues!

'I hate it when people winge on about how awful their parents were and how they fucked up their lives. You're an adult for goodness sake, just take repsonsibility for your own feelings and do something about it.'

I can see what you're saying midori, but that does underestimate the impact a parenting style (or lack of) can have on a child. For some it's easier said than done to leave the child you were behind, after all, you are still the same person and a product of your childhood.

Sorry, this a bit of an aside but I remember on the news a while ago they had a section about the grumpy git in question and how Hull 'celebrates' him and his work.

The local Philip Larkin Society in Hull apparently does tours named....wait for it....

Larkin About

Made me chuckle all day! (Simple things!)

ohemgee

well done Midori1999, thats great.

I don't think it is always that black and white, I am pretty happy, have a fantastic dh and children and, I think, quite a healthy attitude to life - but I can't pretend there haven't been times in my life when the actions of my parents haven't had a negative effect on me.

my parents didn't fuck me up when I was a child, they fucked me over when I was an adult.

I thank God every day for my childhood which I took for granted at the time but which was happy and I always felt safe and loved. Unfortunately my Mum died when I was 15 and I didn't have the opportunity to thank her properly (being a stroppy teenager at that time probably ) but thankfully I still have my Dad who is the best Dad I could wish for .Just feel sad that not all children are so lucky and wish people who can't be arsed to get the parenting lark right (or almost right, none of us are perfect) would just not bother having children in the first place. I hope I can give my DS the same great foundation in life my parents gave me.

20 odd minutes later and I'm still laughing like an idiot at 'Larkin About'!

Hey Drama, got to get your kicks where you can

"I don't think it is always that black and white, I am pretty happy, have a fantastic dh and children and, I think, quite a healthy attitude to life - but I can't pretend there haven't been times in my life when the actions of my parents haven't had a negative effect on me"

hazeyjane there is a huge difference between acknowledging that the actions of your parents may have had a negative effects at times, to saying you parents 'fucked you up' and generally blaming everything that goes wrong in your life on your parents or childhood, which plenty of people do, and those are the people I am talking about.

My childhood was pretty happy but my mum died when I was 18 and the way my dad behaved after that went a long way towards fucking up both myself and my brother.

It's our attitudes to that; however, that have informed the way we've turned out. It taught me to be fiercely independent, to rely on myself and to forgive my dad and step-mum for how awful they were to use, and to get on with my life and make it as happy as I could.

My brother, otoh, developed a huge chip on his shoulder about his life and subsequently blamed that for everything that went wrong for him, but never actually took action to make things better. It's only in the last two years (mum has been dead 21 years) that he's begun to turn this around.

Midori, it could be that like Dastardlys brother, the people you've met who are still blaming their parents, just haven't got to the point where they can resolve it in their heads. Most people do, but I don't see it as a weakness if you're unable to.

I had three parents so I got royally fucked up between them all. On the upside, I have a fairly good idea of how not to do it. But unfortunately I suffer with depression, anxiety and other crap which I can directly lay at their door, and it does affect my parenting in other ways, sadly. So I am no doubt fucking my kids up as we speak, but I hope in a less damaging way.

I will make sure that when my DC are teenagers I continue speaking to them and don't leave unwashed cheese graters in their beds as a reminder to wash them up

Ouch at the cheese grater taffeta. I've made sure I don't endlessly humiliate DD1, or whack her with a wooden spoon.

I agree to some extent with midori, my brothers all have the attitude that our mother was to blame for all the bad things in their lives.

Alright, she didn't exaclty parent us in a way that prepared us for live and relationships but come on.

I wonder if it has any bearing that I was the youngest and watched the crappy lives/mistakes of my sibs (the eldest of whom was 12 yrs older than me).

Even when my mother died my eldest (who was in prison at the time) felt he should have A BIGGER SHARE OF THE HOUSE PROCEEDS AS 'SHE OWED IT TO HIM' (sorry didn't mean caps).

No I wasn't fucked up by mine. They were very good parents who of course were imperfect and lacking perhaps in openly communicating about feelings, but we talk well now and it pushed me into a social work which I've loved.

I hope my children will have a different experience, but because of some health issues I'll fuck them up by dying on them while they're still little things. My only consolation is my wondeful dh, family and friends and that dh will get the best therapy for them when they need it.

My mum made mistakes, but I always knew that she loved me, and was doing the best she could. I think there is a big difference by being having some issues to resolve from mistakes or bad choices your parents made, and being fucked up becuase your parents didn't care, manipulated you, played mind games or deliberately upset or hurt you.

DH had a much more conventional childhood than me, but doesn't get on with his mum because as a teenager she withdrew from him and his brothers in favour of her new partner - even leaving them on their own on xmas day when DH was 15 onwards. These issues have continued into their relationship to the present day, whereas I get on very well with my mum.

I have no doubt that our DS's will spend a considerable portion of their teen years talking about how we've fucked them up, but hopefully they'll come out the other side of it

I was without a doubt fucked up by by parents.

Me and hubby agreed before we had dd to fuck our child up as little as humanly possible! We continue to strive to stay true to that.

The odd thing is that I see my childhood very differently for DB. He is 6 yrs older than me and sent to boarding school. He is less inclined to be forgiving of their foibles than I am.