to want the television turned off when my daughter is in the room? Or am I completely out of control pfb about this?

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

I honestly can't decide, and I maybe need some perspective here.

My daughter is 16 months old. My husband and I both work part time and take care of her on different days. He has her two full days (minus a 4 hour block when her Nan takes her) and another two afternoons from 4.30 to 6.30pm which is when I get home.

She doesn't go to bed till around 8.30pm.

The loungeroom is also her playroom; she's too young to play independently and that room is the one where most of her toys are, as well as the laptops, the TV, the stereo, etc. So when we're home, we're usually in there.

Now, if I had my way, this would be a TV-free household - or maybe a DVD-only household. I'm just not interested in it, and I hate the background noise. But he was raised with the telly always on in the background, watches a lot more of it, fair enough, we've been together 11 years so I knew this. So that's our starting point; significantly different attitudes towards TV.

When she was born, I said I would like to follow the guidelines that say, no TV until they're two. He shrugged. He's never said he thinks I'm wrong, it's just clear that it would be an inconvenient shift of habit for him.

Once I went back to work it became evident he wasn't going to be TV-free around her. And really, he's at home with her, I don't get to dictate the terms, I understand that.

But, AIBU to feel that he should at least be compromising here? He watches Top Gear and Mythbusters (I hate that show, it's all explosions and dummies falling to their death) and although he doesn't watch scary dramas or anything, I think it's a couple of hours a night. I come home and the TV is always on. It stays on till tea, unless I ask that it be turned off. After her bath and play in her nursery, she comes back downstairs and it's on again.

I just want him to limit it to a) when she's in bed and b) failing that, to those moments when she's difficult and he's tired and desperate for some company or a break, I know how that can be. Not just be on all the time. I hate what it could be doing to her brain, and I hate that she's growing up thinking that telly is just something that's always on and available, not something to be limited and planned for. And I'm sick of asking for it to be turned off.

Am I being totally pfb? Or is he BU?

Aye.

I hate that PFB expression, but sorry I do think you are BU.

But then I don't agree with thinking that the amount you say dh has the tv on for is ott especially. If dh kept on at me about that or a similar thing I enjoyed to relax I'd get pretty fed up about it.

I guess it would only be an issue with me if the things on tv were inappropriate for her to see.

Oh I see, tortoise. That makes more sense now
I don't think a little bit of cbeebies does any lasting damage... but tv on all day long could be a problem. I'm sure there are people who had tv on all the time and are amazing communicators and very bright, but it isn't ideal is it.

Hi Tortoise,

I see where you are coming from, I'm trying to raise my baby in a tv-minimal home (we put it on to watch a certain programme or a certain DVD, then it goes off) I don't think appropriate viewing in small amounts is harmful.

BUT, my ex is another matter and it worries me too, he will be looking after 11m old DD one day a week, at his parents house. He was brought up with the TV on all the time, but he can't watch it as just background noise, he has to have it on all the time and just sit and watch. I worry cos I know this is what he will be doing while watching DD. I don't worry about him watching harmful things, I just worry about her coming second best to a flickering screen.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, its only TV afterall, its annoying when its on constantly, and if your daughter is anything like mine she will be demamnding his full attention!

I don't necessarily subscribe to the evils of tv, either. On days like today, rainy and miserable, the tv has been on quite a bit. But, if I offered something better...time in the kitchen baking, a puzzle, some books, then they wouldn't be bothered if I turned it off. I do insist on age appropriate stuff (except that DS, 3, loves 'How Clean is your House'). Both DCS are bright, verbal and active, so even though they prob. watch more than the recommended amount, I'm not too worried that it will damage them.

Bad case of PFB.
But 8.30pm bedtime for a toddler .
I'd bring thet forward to 6.30pm.
Oh, but then you might need the tv to help cope with those 6am mornings

I must say I would take your dd straight to her bedroom after bathtime, I wouldn't want it on then, as I think that should be quiet time/ winding down time. Maybe you could just try to compromise with him on that?

I don't think tv is evil. Ds has just spent 20 minutes making something he saw done on a cbeebies art programme. And it's probably right that different people find it easier to tune in and out. I'd still be uneasy about a child under two watching tv though.

I love TV, watch it far too much but grown upo TV is NEVER on during the day. I caught my DH watching cribs with the boys...talk about terrible viewing.

tortoise (good morning for when you're reading this! ) - I understand about not wanting to 'exile' yourself in the evenings by taking DD to her room. I meant that maybe DH could agree to go in there for part of the day? I don't see why he needs to be in the living room. Maybe after her nap they could stay in the bedroom for an hour or something. It might be easier than having a blank TV screen staring at him (or in my case, the closed laptop tempting me!)

Background TV can be really distracting for young children, I don't really like background TV as I find it distracting.

You maybe a little PFB, but DH and I rarely have 'grown up' TV on during the day when DD is awake (however nap times are for catching up on Brothers and Sisters and Masterchef ).

Children's TV is another matter altogether. I understand the reasons against it, but DH and I both share care of DD during the week and a little bit of Cbeebies or Diego maintains our sanity.

You are being a bit pfb and that isn't to say you are wrong but you need to compromise. I also think 8.30 is very late for your dd to go to bed and that probably isn't helped by her coming back down to play before bed. Is the telly on then?

I'm not keen on 'background' TV. I like it to be switched on if someone wants to watch something and switched off afterwards.
DH would sit and watch any old rubbish rather than switch it off though.

shockers my DH is the same, I am gradually training him out of it!

Will send MrShockers round... you can train him too while I MN read in peace

move the telly upstairs.

that way he will have to physically remove himself from the living area to watch it.

That would drive me insane. No no no telly apart from the odd wind down bit for the child. All other telly when they are in bed.

YABU - I can understand why you dislike it but banning it will make it more of a draw. If your dh is anything like me when I unwind I literally only want to breathe and so sitting in front of the tv is theraputic.

Oh the guilt.

I started off with no TV for DD1 but then when DD2 arrived I had yo put it on to keep her quiet so DD2 could nap. Ditto DD3.

I don't watch daytime TV and the kids only watch cbeebies/milkshake. They seem ok. No horns or anything. DD1 doing very well at school, DD2 stls plays all morning with her toys - no problm.

Op- why not put toddler to bed an hour earlier and let your husband do his thing watching TV? After a day at work heprobably needs to zone out a bit. Couldn't you do with some extra time in the evening? Could you get out yhe house and do something that interests you? You must be tired after working too.

Sorry I know you didn't ask gor advice on bedtimes-it's just that it's good to have time to yourself in the evening.

OP I understand where you're coming from. However, I think when your DH is looking after your DD it's up to him if the TV is on. In the evenings if you want her away from the TV then you need to play with her in her bedroom.