to want the television turned off when my daughter is in the room? Or am I completely out of control pfb about this?

[tortoiseonthehalfshell]

I honestly can't decide, and I maybe need some perspective here.

My daughter is 16 months old. My husband and I both work part time and take care of her on different days. He has her two full days (minus a 4 hour block when her Nan takes her) and another two afternoons from 4.30 to 6.30pm which is when I get home.

She doesn't go to bed till around 8.30pm.

The loungeroom is also her playroom; she's too young to play independently and that room is the one where most of her toys are, as well as the laptops, the TV, the stereo, etc. So when we're home, we're usually in there.

Now, if I had my way, this would be a TV-free household - or maybe a DVD-only household. I'm just not interested in it, and I hate the background noise. But he was raised with the telly always on in the background, watches a lot more of it, fair enough, we've been together 11 years so I knew this. So that's our starting point; significantly different attitudes towards TV.

When she was born, I said I would like to follow the guidelines that say, no TV until they're two. He shrugged. He's never said he thinks I'm wrong, it's just clear that it would be an inconvenient shift of habit for him.

Once I went back to work it became evident he wasn't going to be TV-free around her. And really, he's at home with her, I don't get to dictate the terms, I understand that.

But, AIBU to feel that he should at least be compromising here? He watches Top Gear and Mythbusters (I hate that show, it's all explosions and dummies falling to their death) and although he doesn't watch scary dramas or anything, I think it's a couple of hours a night. I come home and the TV is always on. It stays on till tea, unless I ask that it be turned off. After her bath and play in her nursery, she comes back downstairs and it's on again.

I just want him to limit it to a) when she's in bed and b) failing that, to those moments when she's difficult and he's tired and desperate for some company or a break, I know how that can be. Not just be on all the time. I hate what it could be doing to her brain, and I hate that she's growing up thinking that telly is just something that's always on and available, not something to be limited and planned for. And I'm sick of asking for it to be turned off.

Am I being totally pfb? Or is he BU?

I have three children. None have watched tv before 2, and it is only on for about 45 minutes after school for the older two unless there is something special they want to watch or the weather is really awful for a big stretch. It isn't a big deal for them. My dh grew up with the tv on all the time, and will use it more when I am out, but it's something we've discussed and have compromised on.

I really don't get this attitude that tv is an acceptable form of childcare or that it isn't interfering with their minds because it is on in the background. They will still be trying to process the information around them, and tv provides too much, too fast.

I don't think yabu at all.

The TV or radio was on permanantly when I was younger as background noise apart from when we had guests. The only way it seemed to have affected me is that whenever I worked on essays for GCSES, A.Levels and my degree I had to have the tv on in the background.

YANBU really, but you could relax a bit.

I feel the same as you (though in my case TV was my babysitter so that's why I feel so strongly) and DH would happily watch crap all day, but we've compromised. But then, I'm the full time carer so he's not with DD that much. For example every day when DH gets up the news goes on - fine, but we now have a rule whereby the TV does not go on on sunday mornings. DH is well trained getting much better at turning the TV off when there's nothing really good on. But I don't mind that he sticks Disney movies on when I go out without them.

Maybe you could agree on him turning the TV off for a couple of hours a day to get some quality playing time? Definitely decide on types of shows that are inappropriate though.

YABU and totally PFB

If he's interacting well with her, you have to accept that he's the SAH parent and he gets to do it HIS way, not yours.

StarExpat, I mean that she's not old enough to play in a separate room, so we can't set up a playroom for her away from the TV. If it's on and her parent is watching it, she's going to be in that room as well.

It's relevant to the evening issue, I think -
I come down with her after bathtime and want to read her a story/dance around the room/play teddies with her, but the books and teddies are in the same room as the TV, which is on.

Definitely he interacts with her as well - they do a lot of very educational interesting activities together like going to the hardware store, and then building a retaining wall, and then taking in the laundry that is now covered in concrete dust. I joke, but he's a fantastic Dad with her and certainly not neglectful.

YADNBU. The guidelines say none under 2 years.
My 2 have had no television under that age at all- it's not particularly difficult to do.

yes yabu & pfb
if you dont want it on while you look after dd then fine, but you are over controlling to forbid your dh from having it on

tortoise, what's your DD's room like?

My DD's room is tiny but I sometimes drag the kids in there to play, as it's actually easier for me to play properly with them - no distractions. And today while we were playing I got loads of her toys sorted out too.

Also if your DH wants noise generally (some people just hate silence - I used to be like that but trained myself out of it!) what about sticking some music on? As long as it doesn't have swearing obviously...

Her room is fine, we play in there after bathtime (or if I'm feeling really snappy about the fecking TV being on AGAIN and don't want to be a bitch about it). But then I can't talk to my husband after work, either, and I'm not keen on exiling myself from the hub of the house every evening, if you see what I mean.

I'm off to bed now (am in Australia) but you are all very interesting and I hope you will continue to fail to reach a consensus.

Exactly the same boat with us. We both work part time and look after her separately and both agree on next to no TV on while she's about.

DD 17 months.

But I allow my DH to pull the cbeebies/meercat/attenborough ripcord if she's having a meltdown as it changes up the gear and calms her down. But he'll only have it on for 10 minutes or so and only if really needed.

He doesn't have b/feeding tools so I'm happy for him to have this as a one off so he can shower in the morning.

YANBU about the TV and background noise. I hate, hate, hate, HATE it - if there's nothing specifically on, why can it not be turned off? I note your husband and my boyfriend "watch" the same shit channels.

Actually to be fair, he's been home from work 3 hours and he's not turned it on. I can only assume he broke it last night and is too scared to mention it... Either that or I've broken his spirit!

I grew up with the radio on in the background constantly, when we got a TV (in my teens) it was that on.............except for when my parents had been arguing, or my dad was in a bad mood, and then it would be silence.

I hate silence now, need background noise (and it's usually the TV during the day)

OP, I'd be really unhappy if Dave was on in the background all day. Babies can't filter out the noise and besides, can you honestly

Apart from the odd day a week my DH has to pull the ripcord my husband is out all the time with her, zoo, aquarium, playgroup, swimming or softplay so there's not much time stooging about with it not on.

I've relaxed a bit from absolutely NO kids TV ever but I never put it on myself, I just understand that he wants a 10 minute shower or to make her breakfast without her crawling up his leg crying.

Her speech is fantastic aand I do worry about it hindering her. So I don't switch it on.

I used to be a TV on in the background person and have really enjoyed not having it on (and only rarely watching a DVD) and when I watched some ITV the other day I could barely take it, all the noise, lights and ads sent my head spinning. Can't imagine what it does to my daughter's noggin.

baies can't filter out noise?

huh - so how do ones with older siblings cope - because I tell you what - you generally can't even hear the TV over the racket DS1 and 2 are making

We went round to some friends' house for dinner the other night and they actually turned the tv on when we got sat at the table (big kitchen/dining/family room)! Was a bit have to say.

Uriel - also anecdotal ... I have friends who always have CBeebies on as background noise and their children are absolutely fine. No concentration problems, no hearing/speech problems. Lovely kids who are excelling at school.

Mine watch it probably daily but for specific programme/dvd, not just on all the time. Older DC (7) goes in to vegetative state whilst watching it which is very hard to get her out of. Hasn't research proven that they burn more calories staring at a blank wall??

So, I do think you are being a bit PFB. I personally have not seen any evidence that small doses of tv are harmful (in fact the most out of control child I know comes from a no TV household). If he is the carer, then you have to trust him to do what he thinks is right. My only issue would be his choice of tv programme ... one thing to put on a children's programme which might actually stimulate/educate/excite her, another altogether for it to be Top Gear which will be just noise for her.

YABU

Like someone said earlier, it's his house and his child too and he should bring her up when in charge however he sees fit. Unless his actions actually harm her it's not really your place to dictate how he does that.

I used to stick dd1 in front of teletubbies at 3mnths old in her carseat because the sparkly windmill sent her to sleep.

She barely watches any telly at all now that she's 13.

ToccataAndFudge - that is so true!! I insisted on the health visitor re-checking DD2's hearing because was so convinced she had problems since she managed to sleep so soundly despite DD1 rampaging around the room banging drums, singing, etc etc!

No clear evidence on effect of TV on kids' language devpt. There are plenty of people with excellent communication skills who watch loads of tv though.

Personally I can't bear it. I let my kids watch dvds but we never watch tv. it is so intrusive. It enrages me actually, the thoguht of allowing strangers' voices and presence to fill my home.

The AAP "guidelines" are based on children watching adult programmes, more sophisticated studies have suggested no damage from "exposure" to age-appropriate programmes before the age of two.

For the OP, I would say that it won't be long before your DD won't "LET" her daddy watch anything other than cbeebies, and then he will be keen to switch it off!
I do understand what you mean about it being on all the time though - my mum used to have DD for an afternoon a week before she started full-time school, and whenever I picked her up the huge plasma screen would be turned up loud and no-one could hear themselves think!

I would find it very difficult to have tv on all the time, or to let it be on constantly for my dc.

I have 3 dc and am as pfb about this as I was with just one small baby.

We grew up with radio 4 on in the background, I hated that too. I still tune out to radio 4, even now, because I had to learn to tune out to it as a child.

YANBU - not pfb at all... We have a 'no tv on before 7pm' rule in our house, and I'm afraid I insist that whoever is looking after the dc's adhere to that. Its my house, and they're my children. Having said that, my dh is in complete agreement, so it doesn't cause any problems. I think you probably need to sit down and talk to your dh and reach some sort of agreement, whether you compromise your position, or whether he agrees with you, then you can both be consistent in your approach. I'm constantly being told how great tv is for children, but hardly ever hear evidence the other way. Well my two are fine, don't feel they are missing out, I've managed to bf the second one while keeping the oldest occupied no probs, and will do the same when dc#3 arrives in Sept. My daughter knows who some of the characters are that her peers talk about e.g. Peppa Pig etc from reading books, so I don't think she misses out at all... In time I think we'll probably get a Sky+ type box to record selective programmes for them when they are older - but if things continue as they are I'd be happy for no tv to be the rule!

Fio, I think Mr Tumble is fantastic.
CBeebies is great too.
I just don't like tv and as I pay the bills, I decide when it goes on.