to not invite my cousin and her little devils to DSs birthday party

[ElleBing]

Right, third AIBU in as many days. Here goes...

My DS is four in April and I am planning on a small party at home to save costs and because we only know about 7 LOs! I've had a party at home each year and each year, one of my cousins has let her three tearaways run riot through my house, pull my cat's tail, hit other kids, open the party food up before anyone said it could be opened and made DS cry by being little bulldogs.

This year, I am reluctant to invite them. My other cousin whose LO is very placid and lovely says that he probably won't come if the disruptive ones come because he'd end up losing his rag if they hit his LO again. Obviously, I don't want to make the people that I do want present feel like they don't want to come because the mini Reservoir Dogs are coming. My cousin isn;t the type of person you can say "please control your LOs" to. She just gets huffy and makes you feel like it's YOU with the problem. Basically, she feels like time at someone else's house is a break from her little shits and it's ok for them to run wild whilst she relaxes. But if I don't invite I KNOW I'll be talked about by sundry relatives. But I don't know if I'm past the age of caring what others think. it's my house, my DSs party. I can do what I like, right?

Yes you can!

Of course you can do what you like. Your house, your child, your rules. You go girl!

Yep, your house your rules. And number 1 priority is that your ds is happy at HIS party, not that she gets to relax.

If you don't want confrontation (and actually maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing to say to her 'you know what? how you parent your children is your business right up until it affects me and my ds because he is getting bullied and my house is getting trashed') you could say that you let your ds choose who was invited and he didn't choose her children. I did this with my ds's 4th party - I figured that at 4 it should be about who he wants there and not the children of my friends necessarily anymore

Good idea alicet. But I wouldn't actually ask him to choose, because he might choose the devils! You know what children are like...

God no, YANBU. Children's parties are often hard enough work without having to watch difficult DC and bite your tongue while smiling sweetly at the oblivious parent/s.

You wouldn't have an adult in your home who abused your hospitality so why accept it from children?

In all the party books I've read they suggest one friend per year of your childs life which means you can only have 4 guests, 5 at a push. sorted!

Your house - Your rules. Tell your cousin its HER job to discipline her children but if she won't then in YOUR house you will!

Of course Shaz10! but a little white lie never hurt anyone .

Also they are open to suggestion at that age aren't they so you can do a bit of the 'do you want x to come?'

Just an example of how unreasonable the Mother of Satan's spawn is...last time she was round, they were tormenting my old, temperamental cat. My DS leaves her be so she isn't used to being poked and prodded by LOs. I told my cousin that she'd be likely to scratch or bite if they didn't stop. She told them to "stop it now boys" in a really half-arsed way. of course they didn't stop so one got bitten. She flipped out saying that the cat should be outside when kids are present. WTF?! The cat's never bitten any of my friends LOs or my LO. Nothing to do with YOUR wunderkind, is it love? FFS.

I think since you clearly dislike your cousin and her children so much there is very little point in inviting them. I think YABU to refer to her children as 'little shits' however wild you think they are. But I'm obviously in the minority.

To avoid the family gossip, you could invite children who your DS knows through nursery/whatever only. I wouldn't invite any family at all, but on a separate occasion, you could meet up with the cousin you like for a mini celebration

I appreciate what you're saying Vidia but I have 3 other cousins with lovely LOs. I don't see why they should miss out because of the naughty ones, plus my LO is quite close to two of them.

KurriKurri, little shits is mild tbh. They could drive the Pope to swear.

YANBU

Bright side, if the family are talking about you then they're not talking about someone else

oh right, in that case, is there another adult (such as your mother/MIL etc) who you could have over during the party to help supervise the 3 children who aren't going to be supervised by their mother?

Or the extra adult could guard the food etc

Hahahahah Vidia. I should employ some bouncers to keep them under control

Thing is, she doesn't like anyone else disciplining her LOs either. I don't know whether it's some "freedom of expression" thing she's got going on but tbh I can see their freedom of expressions landing them in a borstal very soon lol.

If it were me I wouldn't invite these darlings either, then maybe she will get the hint that this behaviour is not acceptable.

Just don't issue an invitation to the tearaways. Don't apologise, don't explain - don't discuss with other family members unless they initiate the conversation.

If your cousin has the brass neck to ask you about it, tell her that you'd decided on x many guests & that you chose from ds's nursery/day to day friends (plus nice cousin's dc, who your ds specifically asked for ), because he gets to hang out with his other cousins at family dos.

Say all this with breezily & confidently.

How old are the boisterous cousins? Unless they're triplets (eek!), they can't all be of an age to fit in with a 4 year old's birthday party? It's the sort of age when it starts being about their mates^, not the dc of your family/friends, so a good opportunity to make the break!

Elle you dont have to invite them as others have said, if everybody did that then the mum should get the message. If you do invite, than its your house your rules, i would have no qualms or worries in disciplining them myself.

You sound far too nice imo, youve got to be assertive and firm If relatives gossip let them, I expect if it were them and those children were at their house they would not be keen to have them again.

Well, this is the other sticking pint, Raven. One is 8, one is 6 and the other is 3. I'd be fine just having the 3 y/o because I don't see what fun the other two get out of a jelly and ice cream party but she insists "if one goes, they all go" Pathetic, IMO. Though I'd probably feel differently if one of my LOs got excluded from something.

Well, if my DS ever proves to be "active" I'll be sure not to sit on my cheeks whilst he runs amok round someone else's house

TBH it's not even the naughtiness. All kids are little arses at times, mine included. It's the lack of discipline and respect for other people's homes/rules that irks me most.

Well, as it happens when one of my other cousins married last year, they didn't invite any kids because the venue only held 60 so they were keeping it tight. Nightmare cousin stropped off and she didn't bother coming even though she'd RSVPd and there was a table setting for her. DH and I reckon she did it out of revenge for her DCs being excluded, lol!

Stick to your guns Ellebing. You could always tell her you don't want a repeat of the Cat incident as another shock might carry the poor old thing off.

nothing annoys me more than a parent who refuses to discipline their own children in someone else's home. I don't care what they are allowed to do in their own home, in my home i expect children to follow the same rules my own 2 DS's do.

(Can you tell i've just had a family birthday where nephew ran riot and brother sat on his arse and did nothing about it?)