Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

to not go to hen do when only invited to evening do (for wedding)?

120 replies

FlissyFloo · 28/03/2010 14:47

Hi I've lurked on these pages a lot and never posted before,but now I have a problem that I really need advice and opinions on!!

I just got an invitation to a friend's evening do for her wedding when I assumed I'd be invited to the full day. Apart from being surprised not to be nvited to the full day,this would be ok, except I've already said I'll go to the hen do, which involves going away for the night and costs eighty pounds,not including the five hour drive to get there and back. I agreed to this when I thought I was invited to the full day of the wedding.

I was already a bit :-/ about the cost, but now I'm only invited to evening do I want to get out of it but don't know how to do it or even if I'm being unreasonable.

I don't want to make it more difficult for my friend, I know from experience how annoying it is when people drop out f hen do's, but I'm not sure about whether to go now.

What would you do in this situation, any advice would be really great!!!

OP posts:

Condensedmilkaddict · 28/03/2010 14:51

Which part of the wedding are you not invited to FlissyFloo?

grumpypants · 28/03/2010 14:51

bit weird being invited to the hen do but not the day - is it like a really tiny ceremony and then a big do? (We had two people at our wedding, and 60 at a party later)?

123andaway · 28/03/2010 14:53

How big is the wedding? Is it a very small intimate do or is she inviting everyone (except you)?

GeekOfTheWeek · 28/03/2010 14:54

If I was a 'good enough' friend to go on the hen do then I would hope to be 'good enough' friend to go to the whole day.

Obviously different if its a tiny ceremony or abroad.

saslou · 28/03/2010 14:55

If you really don't want to go, you can always say you've been let down by the babysitter or that you are ill.That way you won't offend the bride, but can get out of spending lots of money on something you don't really want to do. I've always thought it a bit unreasonable of brides to expect everyone to commit to spending lots of money on hen dos - not everyone can afford it and it puts friends in an awkward position. Other peoples weddings can be pricey by the time you consider wedding gifts/travel costs/ hotels etc. Anyway, don't feel you have to go

Kathyjelly · 28/03/2010 14:55

There are two things here aren't there.

Do you want to go to the hen do? It's £80 but that's for a really good night out, an overnight stay and I assume to give your friend a good "last night of freedom". Sounds great but if you can't afford it then say so.

Then for the wedding day, I'm guessing the day event is for family only and the evening is for friends too. You'll get to drink, dance and make merry. Again, it sounds great. Do you want to go?

There's no point in going if you're going to resent the financial side. I'm sure if she's your friend, she'll understand if you can't afford to do both.

interestinglino · 28/03/2010 14:55

Say that something financial has come up, and you really can't afford it, but don't miss out on what might be a fab hen do if deep down you really want to go.

As I see it, you've decided against the hen do because your nose is out of joint that you're not going to the whole wedding (not meaning to be harsh there, but I can't think of another way to put it ) and there may be genuine reasons behind this decision on their part - cost of reception, large family etc may have forced them to whittle down numbers.

Original poster

FlissyFloo · 28/03/2010 14:57

Its the ceremony and meal I'm not invited to, I don't know numbers but I know a few friends are invited as well as family...

OP posts:

said · 28/03/2010 15:00

Why did you assume you'd be invited? Are you particularly close? I think if I assumed I'd be invited (you said this in the OP) then I would feel a bit put out

grumpypants · 28/03/2010 15:01

well here are your options as far as i can see
a) you ask her and then decide
b) you don't ask, stew about it, and then don't go, which she may or may not bother to analyse
c) you figure it's just one of those things, and do what you would enjoy/can afford.

trellism · 28/03/2010 15:03

DH was once invited to one: being foreign, he did not understand what it meant, so he turned up to the day do. Once he found out what it meant, he said he'd turn up to a day do again on principle.

We didn't have separate evening guests at our wedding. We think it's a bit rude tbh.

diddl · 28/03/2010 15:16

If you are thinking of not going to the hen night because you haven´t been invited to the ceremony/meal,then I think YABU-although I do see why you feel that way.

Perhaps the couple aren´t paying or are v. limited to numbers.

You can of course go to the ceremony without an invitation.

cat64 · 28/03/2010 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

runnybottom · 28/03/2010 15:42

Isn't it normal to have less guests to the wedding bit than to the afters? It is here. We had 25 for the wedding and meal, and about 100 for the evening do.

I don't see why it makes any difference to whether you go to the hen or not, either you want to or you don't, what has changed?

FabIsGettingThere · 28/03/2010 15:48

Why would it make any difference whether you were invited to the whole day or not whether you went to the hen do? It sounds very tit for tat in your OP.

Go or don't go. Two separate invites. You don't have to go to any you know.

flowerybeanbag · 28/03/2010 15:49

What runnybottom said. Why does it make a difference to whether you want to go on the hen do or not, or do you want to make a point about being fed up about your lack of invite to the day?

flowerybeanbag · 28/03/2010 15:54

x-posts, what runnybottom and Fab said.

Mongolia · 28/03/2010 15:54

If the hen do didn't require such amount of travel and expense, I would say YABU.

But as it does, I think is rude to asumme you can go through all that effort and then not invite you to the full stuff on wedding day.

Having said that, I find it rude to have two separate do's for the wedding. It's like a friend sorting exercise that I believe was created once by the worst of the bridezillas but now has become common practice.

flowerybeanbag · 28/03/2010 15:59

Do you really think of it that way Magnolia? I think of it as an opportunity to invite more people. We had about 100 to the whole thing but had another 30 or so we wanted to be able to come but a) couldn't afford and b) couldn't fit into the venue for the ceremony and sit-down meal. Having more to the evening enabled more people to come. I had mainly family to the whole day, with a few closest friends, and had more friends to the evening.

trellism · 28/03/2010 16:03

I think it's rude to sort friends in this way. If you can't afford to invite them, then don't. I think it gives out a message that you are not important enough to attend the proper reception, whilst still being important enough to receive the wedding list.

trellism · 28/03/2010 16:04

And, OP, don't bother with the hen do. Just say you're a bit short of cash or something.

Neverchuckanokiaatthepm · 28/03/2010 16:06

I personally would BAN Hen Do's ghastly ghastly.

flowerybeanbag · 28/03/2010 16:07

You really think it's more rude inviting friends to an evening do than not inviting them at all trellis?!

OP would you have preferred not to be invited at all?

Neverchuckanokiaatthepm · 28/03/2010 16:08

Oh yes a BIG BOLLOCKY BAN ON WEDDINGS ALSO!

MrsC2010 · 28/03/2010 16:11

Agree, I would rather cancel hen dos than evening ones!

We had an evening do, we have a lot of work colleagues etc that are far more evening do people than day ones...but it was the done thing to invite them. I think evening dos are perfect for this sort of thing.

We also had a few people that only came to the evening do because we got married on a weekday and they couldn't wouldn't take the day off, so it cuts both ways.

I think the only time you would be fully justified in being really hacked off OP is if other friends of the same 'standing' were invited and you weren't. Otherwise money/capacity etc could just get in the way.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread