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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not go to hen do when only invited to evening do (for wedding)?

120 replies

FlissyFloo · 28/03/2010 14:47

Hi I've lurked on these pages a lot and never posted before,but now I have a problem that I really need advice and opinions on!!

I just got an invitation to a friend's evening do for her wedding when I assumed I'd be invited to the full day. Apart from being surprised not to be nvited to the full day,this would be ok, except I've already said I'll go to the hen do, which involves going away for the night and costs eighty pounds,not including the five hour drive to get there and back. I agreed to this when I thought I was invited to the full day of the wedding.

I was already a bit :-/ about the cost, but now I'm only invited to evening do I want to get out of it but don't know how to do it or even if I'm being unreasonable.

I don't want to make it more difficult for my friend, I know from experience how annoying it is when people drop out f hen do's, but I'm not sure about whether to go now.

What would you do in this situation, any advice would be really great!!!

OP posts:
Bumperlicious · 28/03/2010 21:31

Secretslattern, is the hen do in Blackpool? I just wondered as I know a girl from work going to a hen do there dressed in Moulin Rouge gear.

cat64 · 28/03/2010 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pigletmania · 28/03/2010 21:54

Exactly Cat thought the evening dos here were for work collegues, neighbours etc and the ones invited to sit down meals are either relatives, longstanding and close friends.

SugarMousePink · 28/03/2010 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 28/03/2010 21:56

The thing is cat you feel that way, but for the other people it may be not so, a friend that they considered to be close to and really good friends invited them just to the evening bit would be precieved by many as

expatinscotland · 28/03/2010 21:56

So, SecretS, did she ask for cash only gifts?

Portofino · 28/03/2010 22:05

No-one came to my wedding - well only 2 witnesses. I still had a hen do though. It was fab. Twas only a local restaurant though, not one of these ridiculous, cost a fortune things.

runnybottom · 28/03/2010 22:14

Not just an English thing, its the norm in Ireland. Ceremony and meal for family and close friends, afters for work collegues, distant relatives, mates, friends of the parents etc. Unless you are totally loaded, cos weddings cost a bloody fortune.

pigletmania · 28/03/2010 22:31

Exactly Sugarmouse I agree with you there, Cat just because you are English does not mean you have to agree with the two tired wedding thing

SecretSlattern · 28/03/2010 22:59

She hasn't asked for anything yet, but I'm sure its only a matter of time

pigletmania · 28/03/2010 23:23

SecretS sounds like a bridezilla to me best out of it i say.

sayithowitis · 28/03/2010 23:47

I don't generally have an issue with the idea of an evening do, we did this ourselves as a way of inviting work colleagues, parent's friends etc. But there is no way I would have expected a close friend, or even a work colleague to fork out £80 or so on a hen do for me if I didn't consider them close enough to be invited to the whole wedding. Especially if I then had the cheek to say I was limited on numbers because of the cost!

Op, if her reasons are the cost, could you say that you will forego the hen do and give her the £80 towards the cost of your meal etc?

confuddledDOTcom · 29/03/2010 01:34

So you chose to have your wedding in a venue where you can have 50 people to the wedding ceremony, 75 for a sit down and 150 for the evening. You can't go over the numbers because that's the limit set by the venue. Do you

a. have three sets of invites (one for each)
b. have two sets (one for the ceremony and one for the evening and just skip the meal that you can afford but you don't want to offend people)
c. only have 50 people for the whole day?

It's not a matter of money, more a matter of Health and Safety!

I have a similar issue in reverse. I am having a sit down evening meal for 100 people, but the wedding ceremony can hold 100 people and we're having a small buffet before the evening. We're trying to decide if we invite people to the wedding/ buffet. Not asking for opinions, just rambling, the venue and certain issues may change those numbers anyway.

thumbwitch · 29/03/2010 01:37

confuddled - we had similar issues - 50 max for the ceremony (reg office), could have had more for the main meal and in fact had to pay a surcharge because we only had 50 at the meal; and then capacity for 150 for the evening, which included a buffet and was the more party part of the day.

We had 2 sets of invitations. No one, to my knowledge, had any problem with it.

confuddledDOTcom · 29/03/2010 01:45

Ah yes, the fourth option, I had thought of that but missed it out - falling asleep at the laptop xzc,mv.zxcv,mxvzc,mv see?

We're having a complicated day! Non-legal ceremony in the afternoon which can hold 150, sneaking off for civil with a couple of people, then having a meal for 100 in the evening. There won't be a disco etc because of the timings. We're feeding people around the non-legal part but not sure whether to take advantage of the numbers to invite people we wouldn't be able to otherwise, like I said though with various things happening not sure if we will have that issue.

junglist1 · 29/03/2010 09:47

I'd be offended aswell actually, unless it was family only or a small ceremony. If some friends were invited and I wasn't then I'd see it as I'm obviously second rate and the bride isn't worth 80 quid. That's a lot of money to some people and not worth spending on someone who doesn't think that much of you.

pigletmania · 29/03/2010 10:00

I agree junglist, I would not mind if its for family only, or I know friends that are going to all of it are much closer to the bride than I am. But if I considered the friend to be a good friend, such as the op she is her dcs godmother, known her for a long time than i would be a bit

LouMacca · 29/03/2010 11:09

I did this and I hope no one was offended! Certainly no-one said anything to me.

14 of us went on my hen party to York for the weekend. Out of the 14, 8 were invited to the full day (2 were bridesmaids) and the other 5 just to the evening reception.

The reason for this was because we had a civil wedding at a small hotel and we were only allowed 50 guests to watch the actual wedding. By the time we had added up parents, siblings and their partners, close family it was impossible to invite all friends to the day. Also the friends that were invited to the whole day had partners to bring.

I've also been on hen parties were I've not been invited to the full day and wasn't offended at all.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 29/03/2010 11:26

I'm not sure where the OP or anyone else is from but with regard to the Hen night/Evening Invitation around where I am from it is bad form to invite women on the HN that you are not inviting to the whole day.
I have absolutely no idea why that is but it just isn't done and when I was planning my wedding to my ex it caused me no end of stress at first in the end we changed venue so it didn't make so much differenence.
But I can also see how the assumtion has been made by some that they are invited to the whole day has come about actually as it appears in some places it is kind of saying yes you are invited to the wedding as well when you invite to the HN.

expatinscotland · 29/03/2010 11:31

I guess I'll just never get this 'evening do' only.

Not being English, I'll always see it as rude.

Mongolia · 29/03/2010 11:41

I don't think it is about the money... pretending to be a rich princess in the first part of the do and a democratic couple on the next one? Not for me, no.

I would rather serve an Asda buffet to everyone, just drinks, or do just a small private wedding, than sorting my invitees in such manner. It's rude.

As somebody pointed out somewhere below, if both invitees receive the same wedding list, there's something very wrong with it, isn't it?

grottielottie · 29/03/2010 11:44

I or should I say my husband has been in this position too recently and I have to say I'm with the OP.

He was invited to a stag do which was one of those foreign hooplas which was going to cost £200 to go and then probably another £200 spending money plus travel to airport and parking and a days holiday.

He had just assumed he was invited to the whole wedding (and it's not one of those small intimate affairs). When we got the invite it was just to the evening do which (as it is 4 and a half hours away) would cost us a further £100 quid in petrol plus a nights accommodation, they also put a gift list in with the invite too!

While it's true that weddings are expensive for the bride and groom they are also expensive for guests. I think brides and grooms can get so consumed with how much they are spending, and the sort of day that they want, that they forget how much their guests invest in their special day too.

porcamiseria · 29/03/2010 11:57

I hate evening only invites, its so MEAN . I will never to go evening only, if I am not good enough for the whole thing, I am not busting my gut for your evening

I am sure others wuill disagree, but to me it lands like having the right dress and venue/menu (££££) is more important that inviting people you care about

anyway. do you want to go to the hen do?

Yes, then go and enjoy

No? then lie. frankly she does not think you are that good a mate if you only get the evening thing, so fxxk it, just say that (a) you cant afford it or (b) there is a family do that you cannot miss

ArcticFox · 29/03/2010 11:59

I think one factor which is important is how "local" you are to the wedding venue. If most of your friends live locally then evening only invites are more acceptable I think. I do think it's rude to expect people to travel and stay in a hotel for evening do only (or at least it's unreasonable to expect them to come).

I also think the ratios between the "main wedding" and the evening do are important- there's a big difference between an evening do which is the main event as they only had (eg) 10 people for the meal and then a big party in the evening, and being invited "after dinner" as a continuation of the reception when you're an obvious minority to the main party.

There is a certain amount of snob factor as well though I think- an attitude that evening invites aren't "the done thing"

RedRedWine1980 · 29/03/2010 12:02

I think all this wedding politics is crap.
I invited friends to my hen do but we could afford to invite everyone to a £50 a head ceremony as well- its silly to feel 'snubbed' because of this tbh.