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Original poster

to not go to hen do when only invited to evening do (for wedding)?

120 replies

FlissyFloo · 28/03/2010 14:47

Hi I've lurked on these pages a lot and never posted before,but now I have a problem that I really need advice and opinions on!!

I just got an invitation to a friend's evening do for her wedding when I assumed I'd be invited to the full day. Apart from being surprised not to be nvited to the full day,this would be ok, except I've already said I'll go to the hen do, which involves going away for the night and costs eighty pounds,not including the five hour drive to get there and back. I agreed to this when I thought I was invited to the full day of the wedding.

I was already a bit :-/ about the cost, but now I'm only invited to evening do I want to get out of it but don't know how to do it or even if I'm being unreasonable.

I don't want to make it more difficult for my friend, I know from experience how annoying it is when people drop out f hen do's, but I'm not sure about whether to go now.

What would you do in this situation, any advice would be really great!!!

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 28/03/2010 17:37

maybe neenz - I have my fair share of paranoia too though, but like to think that I know the friends whose weddings I go to well enough to understand their motivation.

If I don't know them that well then I wouldn't be bothering to go at all, fair enough!

FiveGoMadInDorset · 28/03/2010 17:40

I had a great hen night with some lovely girls, most of whom I couldn't invite to the wedding itself as could do 90 for ceremony itself but I have 60 brothers sisters, aunts uncles, first cousins and their other halves, none of my friends were offended at doing hen party and then evening do and I wouldn't if the same was asked of me.

pigletmania · 28/03/2010 17:44

Yes totally five, your friends were aware of venue limits so fair enough as you have a big family, but when its not like that than it can be a bit . My dd godmother son getting married they both have huge families so have had to limit friends that they invite to the wedding.

pigletmania · 28/03/2010 17:46

Out of a group of friends if you know some friends that are going to all of the wedding and your are not espcailly as you might think that you are good friends with the bride/groom than it is natural to feel a bit [confused, and shock].

SecretSlattern · 28/03/2010 18:26

Sorry, to clarify, it was the disco/buffet part of the evening, rather than the meal part I was invited to.

Invites to this wedding have been sent by the bride and groom this time, first time round it was the bride's parents.

trellism · 28/03/2010 18:35

Actually, yes, I would rather not be invited at all than just get an evening do invitation.

I think it's an English thing: is it?

pigletmania · 28/03/2010 18:42

Yes trellism totally agree where are you from? SS that is bad, sorry but i do feel for you.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2010 18:43

'Actually, yes, I would rather not be invited at all than just get an evening do invitation.

I think it's an English thing: is it? '

Yes, it is.

I'd never heard the like and, like Mongolia, find it rude beyond belief.

pigletmania · 28/03/2010 18:49

SecretS it would seem from that you are not as a valued friend as some of the others who were invited to all of it wich is Did you go to it?

pigletmania · 28/03/2010 18:54

Well Expat in the Med culture it is seen as rude as I know from my Cypriot family. Its like the thread on here where the OPs IL wanted to stay for a long time, and for many cultures suggestion of a hotel would be very rude like being thrown out in the street, and that they would rather not come if that was the case. The same with my Italian ILs, suggestion of staying in a hotel would me met with as it is the culture there, i knew that when i married dh, my mum is from Cyprus so I was aware of such cultural differences.

SuSylvester · 28/03/2010 18:55

I DONT DO EVENING DOS

or HEN DOS

invite us to it or dont bother thanks

expatinscotland · 28/03/2010 19:00

I'm from a Latino family and, yes, this evening do thing is definitely an English thing.

Seems like a means to get more gifts, tbh.

In Latino cultures, however, there is much emphasis placed on the religious significance of the ceremony.

Also, many Latino weddings take place in the late afternoon/early evening - say, at 6PM, so that dinner and dancing following immediately.

SecretSlattern · 28/03/2010 19:03

Well, it all kicks off in August and no, I have declined all invitations to hen parties/nights out/evening do's.

If I'm not good enough to go to the actual wedding but good enough to shell out a load of cash to spend time doing things I wouldn't enjoy anyway with a bunch of women who will be in attendance for the full day, then I'm not good enough to go to the evening do.

Once I had sent my RSVP, she messaged me on FB asking if there was a problem and she hoped everything was ok. She knew how I would feel about it and although I know its her day blah, blah, blah I still think its a bit off.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2010 19:06

People who have big fat meringue dress blowouts for second weddings are tacky and gauche beyond belief anyway, Secret.

Pikelit · 28/03/2010 19:07

First off, I really dislike the way hen (and stag) dos have got out of hand. Even if they are given advance warning, expecting your friends to take a week away from work to vomit their way round Las Vegas/Ibiza/Barcelona is ridiculous. But for all that, I don't think you can necessarily draw the conclusion that an invite to the hen do automatically means an invitation to every part of the wedding itself.

What complicates matters is the way that, as soon as a wedding is announced, everyone starts over analysing their worth or value and it is no surprise that weddings are so often a series of disappointments and opportunities to take umbrage.

In the OP's case there there may be a very good reason why she was only invited for the disco/buffet bit and the reason may have nothing whatsoever to the value of the friendship. So the OP needs to decide whether (a) she'd have wanted to go to the hen night anyway or (b) that the whole thing is so upsetting that she'll bale out now and politely RSVP apologising for already being committed on the wedding day. Or (c) just suck it all up on the basis that, in the greater scheme of things, the sum of her parts isn't greater than the whole!

pigletmania · 28/03/2010 19:08

Yes Expat same in the Cypriot culture and Italian too whereby they normally have a religious service and it is the most important aspect of the wedding. I totally agree with you SecretS, this was a person that you considered to be a good close friend too right you feel that way I dont blame you. She has the right to invite who she want for the day but you have the right to decline to go imo.

pigletmania · 28/03/2010 19:10

SecretS do something nice on that day, enjoy yourself! I would give her a card and something small though, no sour grapes but you were right to decline on principle

SecretSlattern · 28/03/2010 19:10

expat

Thinking about it, its not as if I'll be missing much because it seems the whole "event" is going to plastered all over FB anyway

expatinscotland · 28/03/2010 19:10

I'd go with the card with voucher in it, SS.

Bet she's asking for cash gifts this time round, too.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2010 19:15

I'd take all the money you would have spent on hen do/lodging/frock and treat yourself to a nice spa day, some great shoes, a bag, etc.

pigletmania · 28/03/2010 19:18

Pikelit I know that there may be reasonas as to why the op might just be invited to the evening do, and yes wedding invites do tend to be seen as the value of your friendship unfortunately, imo its the extentension of the school parties mentality e.g such such such is my best friend and THEIR invited to the whole day, whereas this, this ,this friend are not my good friends so they are either not invited or come to the evening do. Though they adults does not necessarily mean that brides or grooms behave like ones, cue the Bridezillas.

pigletmania · 28/03/2010 19:19

Good idea expat

flowerybeanbag · 28/03/2010 19:30

I guess there might be people who, being offended that they aren't invited to the whole day might not want to go to any of it. Sometimes justified, sometimes being a bit precious. But I still struggle to see how it is so rude of the bride to invite them at all and would be less rude to exclude them altogether.

expatinscotland · 28/03/2010 20:13

because it's an English thing, flowery, that's why you probably don't see it as offensive.

it's probably just a cultural difference.

in SecretS's case, though, i'd definitely give the entire thing a miss. that sounds more like a snub to me.

MrsC2010 · 28/03/2010 20:23

Oh no, I would never 'expect' presents from an evening guest! I would certainly never pass on list info.

I had a hen do after much protestation, I hate being centre of attention (wedding was bad enough!) and especially that kind of 'girls go mad' attention. Just not me. In the end I went on a surprise weekend to Cornwall with my sister and a best friend and then a meal/drinks in town with any and every female that wanted to come! Very civilised, I suspect a few were disappointed!