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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not go to hen do when only invited to evening do (for wedding)?

120 replies

FlissyFloo · 28/03/2010 14:47

Hi I've lurked on these pages a lot and never posted before,but now I have a problem that I really need advice and opinions on!!

I just got an invitation to a friend's evening do for her wedding when I assumed I'd be invited to the full day. Apart from being surprised not to be nvited to the full day,this would be ok, except I've already said I'll go to the hen do, which involves going away for the night and costs eighty pounds,not including the five hour drive to get there and back. I agreed to this when I thought I was invited to the full day of the wedding.

I was already a bit :-/ about the cost, but now I'm only invited to evening do I want to get out of it but don't know how to do it or even if I'm being unreasonable.

I don't want to make it more difficult for my friend, I know from experience how annoying it is when people drop out f hen do's, but I'm not sure about whether to go now.

What would you do in this situation, any advice would be really great!!!

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 28/03/2010 16:13

I don't see a problem-do you want to go to the hen do? If you do fine-if not cancel. I don't see why it has to be relevant to which part of the day you are invited to.

Silver1 · 28/03/2010 16:14

Tell her the tire bolt has gone on your car and it will cost a fortune to fix (which means you can skimp on the pressie as well)
It sounds like you have gone off her now you have had the half invite
So if you go to the hen do you will either begrudge it and be miserable, and everyone will whisper that you are a miserable moo, and it's a relief you wont be there all day
OR
You'll go and have a lovely time and be guilt ridden that you misjudged her, and sad you are not going to the whole day
and in light of the above you'll be even more fed up about the whole thing.

thumbwitch · 28/03/2010 16:14

I never quite understand this "all or nothing" attitude with weddings. I do understand number and financial restrictions that mean people can't invite everyone to the whole day of their wedding. I have never turned down an invitation to just the evening do because I wasn't invited to the whole day unless it was ridiculously far away.

I have been on a hen do where I then wasn't invited to the wedding - because the wedding was too small. But I wouldn't have gone all sour grapes about it and refused to go to the hen-do because of it.

In the end, if it's the case that you can't afford to go to the hen do then FGS phone the bride/chief bridesmaid and tell them asap so they can rearrange costs if necessary - but I wouldn't refuse to go out of pique.

overmydeadbody · 28/03/2010 16:16

Not sure why not being invited to the wedding reception should stop you going to the hen do as well?

People are very strange sometimes, they think the world should revolve around them...

So what if a couple can't afford to have you at their reception but still want you at the hen do and the evening party?

Besom · 28/03/2010 16:16

I had people at my hen do who were only invited to the evening do.

But, my hen do was just a night out on the town and didn't involve much expense.

So, no, I think yanbu. I wouldn't expect someone to spend a lot of money and not get anything back for it in return.

thisisyesterday · 28/03/2010 16:18

surely if it was a money thing on the couple's part then the OP would be invited to the wedding (which is free to attend) and not to the reception, which presumably they are paying for her to come for (food etc)

so, i would assume they are maybe having a very small church and are limited with numbers, or just want close friends/family at the ceremony.

OP- i think you're being incredibly childish and short-sighted to accept an invitation to a hen night, which you must have wanted to attend otherwise you';d have said so, and then to wqant to back out just because you expected to be invited to the wedding itself

do you often only accept invitations because you think you'll get something out of them? I thought the point of the hen night was to ahve a good night out with your FRIEND, the bride- siurely that still applies?

you do realise as well don't you, that actually ANYONE can turn up to a wedding and watch it, so if you feel that strongly then go!

i think you risk losing a friend over this, or at best upsetting her and making her think you're a bit odd

flowerybeanbag · 28/03/2010 16:18

I think most people are very understanding about cost and space restrictions at weddings and wouldn't find an invite to an evening do insulting at all.

overmydeadbody · 28/03/2010 16:19

agree with thumbwitch

pigletmania · 28/03/2010 16:19

YANBU if you were one of the brides close or oldest friends, than yes I would be a bit miffed and upset, but if you are not really close than YABU. I personally do not like these two tired weddings myself, it seems as though its an English thing, my family are from Cyprus and dh from Italy and I am not aware of this happening. Whats the point of going to an evening bit and missing the important part (the ceremony).

thumbwitch · 28/03/2010 16:20

I actually got more pissed off with a friend who was getting married in France who only invited the people who were going to the wedding to her hen-do - I for one would have loved to have been able to participate in her celebrations, even for just that part, as the wedding was necessarily a small party and I understood that I wouldn't be invited to it.

thisisyesterday · 28/03/2010 16:21

piglet, sometimes it's a space issue!

my best friend is getting married in the summer. she has a HUGE family, the church can sit 90 max.

there are over 180 coming to the reception.

they literally cannot fit them all in for the actual ceremony

pigletmania · 28/03/2010 16:28

I do agree thisisyesterday that there might be space issues but a two teire receoption nah The op though should not, not go to the hen just because she was only invited to the evening do, it seems a bit childish and silly and makes her look bad. She obviously wanted to go as she initially accepted and should have thought about it beforehand, think her nose is a bit out of joint tbh. But is a friendship really worth all this pettyness. Go have a lovely time enjoy if I were you!

pigletmania · 28/03/2010 16:33

If done nicely an evening reception can be really good too. My dh best man had lovely food for both the lunch and evening, however one evening reception we were invited to the and the bride and groom paid a lot of money for their wedding, the food was like that you get in Iceland, and not much of it too (in Med culture food is very important as you can tell). So it really looked like there was a big divide A list guests and B list guests a list getting nice food b getting rubbish food. As the evening lot, we were not invited to speeches and cutting of the cake

SecretSlattern · 28/03/2010 16:36

YANBU - this is a recent situation for me too.
I was invited on the hen night and weekend of one of my oldest friends. We grew up together, I was bridesmaid at her first wedding, am godmother to 2 of her 3 children.

However, when the invitation came through the door for the wedding reception only, I was pretty pissed off actually. The guest list is available for all to see on FB and of all the guests who attended for the whole thing last time, there are about 5/6 of us who this time are only invited to the reception.

The reception would involve travelling for me, which I wouldn't have had a problem with, but I think its a bit off tbh, especially as she is my oldest friend and if her remarks on FB are anything to go by, this is a no expense spared, better than last time affair, so I don't think it is a money issue or a space issue.

The hen weekend alone is costing in the region of £150 and for that reason, declined the invitation to that (this was before the reception invite came through). The hen night is going to be expensive too as it will involve travelling to where she lives and going clubbing, dressed up as girls from the Moulin Rouge. I am pg with DC3 atm so again declined that invite on the basis that I will be post natal and any kind of Moulin Rouge dressing up outfit is going to look pretty shit. These events are taking place 2 and 3 weeks before the wedding so I would have to travel backwards and forwards every weekend for 3 weeks.

I'm also with the OP that if you are invited to the hen do, IMO it means that you are regarded as one of the brides closest/oldest friends and have therefore been chosen to celebrate the occasion with her. I don't see how a bride can justify all that, only to drop you out for the main event.

I'm not going to any of it and if that makes me sound like I'm being childish, then so be it. I just don't like the idea that I am good enough to go and spend a load of cash that we don't really have on a night out/weekend but that I'm not good enough to attend the actual main event.

I wouldn't have minded so much had she not sent me an email telling me my invitation to the wedding was waiting to be sent off, only for an invite to the reception to turn up.

fluffles · 28/03/2010 16:43

how big is this hen do?

personally i am not having a hen do but if i was it would be for a few very closest friends who would then definately be invited to the wedding - in fact would likely be bridesmaids etc.

neenz · 28/03/2010 16:46

SS, when you say 'reception only' do you mean everything except the church? Perhaps the church is very small. The 'reception' to me is the wedding breakfast, the big meal after the ceremony. If I was invited to that (strange not to be invited to the church as well though) then I would assume it was the main event. Or is it the evening do that you are invited to?

To the OP, I think it depends whether you think other friends of 'similar' standing to you are going to the day do but you are not. I think I would be quite put out then. But if there are a few of you in the same boat then perhaps it is just a space/money issue for the bride. I would be surprised to go to a hen do and then not go to the main wedding but weddings are funny things - space can be very tight, especially when you factor in two lots of family that you 'have' to invite. I would go to the hen do if you think it will be fun/worth the money. But if it is not, then don't. But only cos of that, not cos of the evening invite.

pigletmania · 28/03/2010 16:50

SecretS thats not nice at all considering she was one of your oldest friends and you were bridesmaid at her first wedding . Its like a snub on you, like she does not regard you as a close friend even though you see it differently. I would have been really angry and not gone tbh.

hocuspontas · 28/03/2010 16:50

Are invites still sent out by the bride's parents? If so they might have got it wrong.
I think I would be a bit miffed especially if everyone else on the hen night was going to the whole thing, I would think I wasn't such a close friend as I thought.

pigletmania · 28/03/2010 16:51

Yes btw SS was it just the evening you were invited to or was it the whole reception but not the ceremony.

said · 28/03/2010 17:14

Fluffles - yours is what I think hen dos should be really. Not just a boost the numbers exercise.

Urgh at having to dress up as Moulin Rouge girls. Why, why, why?

FabIsGettingThere · 28/03/2010 17:16

DH and I did invites from us, agreed that everyone came to everything but we didn't have an evening do as he didn't want one, so it was all fine.

I think it is usual to be invited to the wedding ceremony and the reception and evening do or just the evening do. I haven't heard of being left off the marriage bit and then going to the reception.

thumbwitch · 28/03/2010 17:21

I have also been invited to the marriage ceremony, NOT to the main reception, but to the evening do, leaving me with a few hours to kill in between times; so I went to a friend's house for afternoon tea and then went to the evening do.

No doubt some of you on here would have refused outright to go to any of it because you weren't going to the meal part.

I just don't get this sense of entitlement people have in regards to others' weddings...

neenz · 28/03/2010 17:31

I agree in part thumbwitch - weddings are really tricky due to space/cost.

But sometimes you might think the bride is trying to tell you something.

pigletmania · 28/03/2010 17:36

Its not really entitlement as such, it can be a reflection of where you stand in the pecking order as a friend. For example secret slattern thought that her friend was a very good friend, she went to her first wedding and was bridesmaid, godmother to her dcs and knew this friend for a very long time, until the wedding invites came and it did not seem so. It is like a refleciton of how the friend sees you, and like a snub really

pigletmania · 28/03/2010 17:37

There is lots of underlying dynamics going on not just about the invite per se.

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