to not want DP to go in a lapdancing club on his mates stag do?

[mummee09v]

my dp is off on a stag night in a couple of months. its just a load of mates going out in town but there has been talk about them going in lapdancing bars.

i have laughed it off to my dp and tried to be the cool girlfriend about it and made out i couldnt care less as i dont want to seem controlling or jealous. i have even said i dont care if he has a private dance! because i want to come across as cool, as i know his ex used to stop him doing things and i dont want to be like that as he really resented her for it.

but i HATE the idea of it and know i will be furious if he does end up in one. the thought of him ogling some naked girl/s who will probably be a)younger then me b)prettier than me and c)have a better body than me (i have had 2 kids, say no more) kills me....i know that it would only be a laugh for them and nothing would happen other than them looking at the girls but i would be so jealous, coz how could he not compare their young fit bodies to my 30 year old, had-2-kids body?

so i am kind of testing him in a way by saying i dont care, and "allowing" him to go in one, but surely if he loved and fancied me as much as he says he does he wouldnt need to go look at sexy young girls?

also the stag's bride is my best friend (in fact i will be on her hen do the same night) and i know for a fact she would go nuts if she found out her husband to be had been in one as we have already spoken about it and she has the same insecurities as me.

i dont even know if my DP wants to go in a LD club, all i know is the stag has mentioned it "jokingly"

when he said his ex was controlling and stopped him doing things, it wasn't going in a LD club (he has never been in one AFAIK) - she would stop him seeing his friends and stopped him doing his hobbies which were playing in a band and playing football. she would also not let him go on nights out either. and that wasn't the only reason why they split up, there were lots of other reasons too.

so since we have been together i have actively encouraged him to do all of these things, not just because his ex didnt and i want to get one up on her, but because i think it is very important in a relationship for each party to have a life other than their OH!! ironically, now he is with me, he isnt even that interested in doing those things, as he is a soppy git that cant stand be apart from me ;) but i practically shoehorn him out of the door to a)get some space of my own and b)so i dont feel bad about doing things without him!

and i accept and don't mind that he will find other women attractive (as i find other men attractive too) but clocking a fit woman in, say, tesco's or on TV is different to having a naked one dancing in his face!

I have always wondered how people dance with their laps. Mine disappears when I start moving.

to say that all men who go into a lapdancing club will pay and take the service is nonsense.

yes certain men will pay (which i find really seedy and frankly sad) and they are probably the ones who are keen to go in the first place. Others will just be going because they are in the stag group and don't want to have to split up and go elsewhere... these will be the guys sat at the bar resenting having to pay over the odds for their drinks and counting down the time until they go to the nearest cheesy club where the stag do will continue.

the sad fact is that lap dancing clubs are seen as the done thing for stag do's... to say that all men who go along with it enjoy them is wrong.

I agree with others who have said that if your man is a good man, then he won't be that bothered by it.

I think the OP's DP doesn't go to lap dancing clubs each week. He is only likely to go because it is a stag do and the rest of his mates will be going as part of the social event to create a memorable night for the stag. This has now become a part of the culture. Stag and hen nights are all about excess and ritual humiliation. Strippers are hired to humiliate the stag, everybody gets plastered and the stag is tied naked to a lamppost etc. The same sort of thing happens on hen nights with male strippers, drinking to excess etc. It's not pleasant but it has now become a ritual. It seems to be an attempt to make it a memorable night that can be talked about for years to come. Most of the men won't enjoy it but go along with it as part of the social event.

I think the OP is reluctant to mention it to her DP, because she knows that it is unlikely to change anything, because the DP will probably need to go to be part of the social event for the sake of the stag. Unfortunately stag and hen nights do involve this sort of behaviour nowadays, and people feel the need to go along with it in order not to spoil the fun.

Probably been said but the 'ex wife was controlling' line sounds like a way of trying to control you, OP.

Oh and as for male strippers on hen nights, I would have left my own if it had happened. I have never been to a hen night where a male stripper was involved, I guess I don't mix with that sort of woman.

It didn't used to bother me 'that' much - DH went on a few stag do's, I went with him on a corporate do once pre kids and was shocked at how DEPRESSING the place was, not to mention how cringy it was to see the MD lech over a girl young enough to be his daughter. It was only after I had my own kids, and started to navigate the scary world of early sexualistion of little girls - pole dancing kits in Tesco/bras for 4 year olds etc that the existance of these clubs made an impact on my conscience. It would break my heart if my child eneded up working in a place like that, because i don't believe that any of those girls does it through absolute 100% freedom of choice. And DH now feels the same.

dittany

i dont want to get one up on her, i didnt mean it like that, i didn't phrase it very well did i?

"i have actively encouraged him to do all of these things, not just because his ex didnt and i want to get one up on her"

sorry, sometimes i am not very articulate! what i mean is i dont want to get one up on her, but i know it made him feel trapped and miserable not being allowed to anything that didnt involve her and i don't want him to feel like that again.

posieparker, I agree with you. I think it is low level coarse behaviour, but unfortunately it is becoming more and more common, and for many people it is now the done thing.