to not want DP to go in a lapdancing club on his mates stag do?

[mummee09v]

my dp is off on a stag night in a couple of months. its just a load of mates going out in town but there has been talk about them going in lapdancing bars.

i have laughed it off to my dp and tried to be the cool girlfriend about it and made out i couldnt care less as i dont want to seem controlling or jealous. i have even said i dont care if he has a private dance! because i want to come across as cool, as i know his ex used to stop him doing things and i dont want to be like that as he really resented her for it.

but i HATE the idea of it and know i will be furious if he does end up in one. the thought of him ogling some naked girl/s who will probably be a)younger then me b)prettier than me and c)have a better body than me (i have had 2 kids, say no more) kills me....i know that it would only be a laugh for them and nothing would happen other than them looking at the girls but i would be so jealous, coz how could he not compare their young fit bodies to my 30 year old, had-2-kids body?

so i am kind of testing him in a way by saying i dont care, and "allowing" him to go in one, but surely if he loved and fancied me as much as he says he does he wouldnt need to go look at sexy young girls?

also the stag's bride is my best friend (in fact i will be on her hen do the same night) and i know for a fact she would go nuts if she found out her husband to be had been in one as we have already spoken about it and she has the same insecurities as me.

It is about having shared principles. If DH wanted to go into lapdancing clubs, I'd seriously question our compatibility, as my view is that the whole industry is tawdry and objectifies women.

I don't think male stripping is the same (although it still makes my skin crawl, but for different reasons) - there's a cartoonish quality to male stripping and I don't think there's a culture of 'private dances' attached.

Challenging the normalisation of the sex industry doesn't mean you have a problem with sex! That's like saying because you think McDonalds sells crap and you'd not want to eat there that you don't like food.

Reading about lots of women is hardly accurate. Where do all these women write? Curious. I think I know a few girls with 'issues' or history of varying degrees, but its the same in other places I've worked. It hasn't -upto now- affected a relationaship as I haven't been looking for one. Obviously I can only speak so much on behalf of other girls.

Jelly - yes I am concerned that women view it as a viable job - and wonder where we will be 10 years from now. How do you think the men who pay for you to dance regard you?

JJ - Dittany is my source of information on this - you probably need to check other threads - and there have been many on MN over the years. Balance of power is everything - is your boss a man?

Surely it would be rude to talk about the dancer's body? WHat would they say - Nice arse, love' or 'I can smell your vagina from here'

?

Men go to lapdancing clubs because they can have an erection in public without being arrested.

Why discuss it on an intellectual level? The men who go there certainly aren't.

It all adds to the cultural norm that men looking at naked/semi naked women is some sort of "right" and women must be frigid if they don't like it.

I'm sure all the dancers get full maternity leave and a pension. Ha Ha.

They're mostly self employed, I think. They even have to pay the club to work for the evening, so if they then don't earn much money they can end up out of pocket

"Is it ok to judge people by the job they do, when it doesnt affect you?!"

I think it's ok to have an opinion about it, because it does affect me, actually, and all women. Lap dancing encourages people to see women's bodies as something that can be bought as easily as a cup of coffee. It objectifies us, and once you've objectified someone, you can do anything to them. Do people realize that areas where lap dancing clubs have opened have seen a huge rise in sexual assaults against women? It's a sobering thought: a 33% increase in rape and a 55% increase in indecent assault in the borough of Camden in the same year that four lap dancing clubs opened there.

ewwww

Not that I ever thought that regulars at strip joints were likely to be particularly well mannered

Jelly - it would be interesting to know how much money you make in comparison to the club owners?

Would you be happy with a daughter of yours doing the same work?

Do you think teenage girls are affected by the way in which LD culture has become more mainstream now? Does it affect their body image, realtionships with men, general feelings of security when walking along the street?

I'm not asking these questions to be facetious or to criticise you personally - it's just I think that the whole normalisation of LD clubs has wider implications than the 'choice' of the individual who works there.

I think I would have less problem with the whole industry if there were female owned clubs that showed more than one version of sexuality, that gave the profits to the performers and that involved more licensing than that given to a coffee bar etc etc

I really wish people would stop referring to sex workers as dancers. Can you imagine how difficult it is for women who genuinely are dancers, and the kind of response they are getting from people when asked what they do for a living? Can you consider the assumptions people are making about them?

It is similar (but more extreme) to the harassment nurses have gone through due to the sex industry making the nurses' uniform into a staple of porn.

Lol, I often think about that. I have several plans...

a) retire on the healthy stash of cash I have aquired and run away with a Chippendale(joke... I would get bored of the retirement part!)
b) open the business I have been planning for the past two years
c) have 10 more kids and get on benefits (also joking, but no offence to anyone
d) finish my phd in womens studies
e) anything that takes my fancy at the time, because I am not tied to one area of work

I don't care too much about what men think while Im dancing for them, they like me they have a dance. I don't want to know what they think! They can either speak to me at the bar and buy me a drink or have a dance. I can't do both, my brain is too small . They don't generally speak, if they do, I tell them to be quiet cos they are putting me off .

Those of you going on about how awful lapdancing clubs are, how many of you have actually experienced one?

My DP has been to a few (mostly on stag do's). He was totally honest with me about the whole thing and I appreciated that (unlike some of his mates who lied to their partners about going). He did say that many of the girls were really beautiful, that it is more of a laugh than erotic, that there was a strict no touching rule when he had a private dance and that most of the time was spent moaning about how expensive the drinks were and how the girls were rinsing them of their money!

I trust him not to ge up to anything naughty in these lapdancing clubs in the same way I trust him in any other situation. And to think that he would NEVER look at another woman some kind of sexual way now that he is with me is just naive.

Dittany!?!?!?!? "make some real money"!!! Im sorry if you know some ladies that would do this, but I can assure you I dont!

Also, I dont think anyone has orgasms in a club, how embarassing would that be?! It is a nightclub for goodness sake, not a brothel (hides from the abuse that will ensue after the use of the word brothel). They probably get erections, but so do some men on a beach or in a normal nightclub where women have barely anything on and are gyrating on them for free...?!

But in some clubs you pay a fee to work there, others charge you a percentage of what you earn and others dont charge you anything at all. I have worked for female bosses, they are very fair and understanding, but a male boss is generally more usual. It doesnt really affect the work I don't think.

I would totally agree, it is far from erotic IMO, but hey who am I to judge other peoples fantasies...

Samstown - 'And to think that he would NEVER look at another woman some kind of sexual way now that he is with me is just naive'

I know for a fact that my DH inevitably looks at other women in a sexual way and I have no problem with it - I look at other men in sexual way (shock, horror!)- I think my DH finding other women attractive is fine and I trust him to be faithful.

That's got absolutely nothing to do with being ok with lap dancing clubs in general IMO. I don't think they're ok personally.

I did snigger at the Phd in Women's Studies, I must admit

dittany get a grip ffs why dont you go to a lapdancing club and find out what it like for yourself instead of askin the most ridiculous questions!! samstown EXACTLY but thats not sensational enough for this lot!