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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to remove my daughter from school in final term of primary? she is 11 years old and being bullied.

115 replies

rocknstroll · 26/03/2010 11:13

She has been bullied for about 2 months, school have not dealt with it at all well, and my daughter has now become the class pariah - fair game to mock, laugh at, tell to shut up, go away, even hit and kick, most of her attempts to speak to the other children are rejected, and although she does have 4 friends, who I am really trying to help her to see are her real friends, she feels that her friendships with these are fragile, and that they are both in pairs, but she is the 'add on'. I am at my wits end having raised it with class teacher, head teacher, school governors and now even local education authority. The latter have been helpful, but cannot actually do anything until the start of May, in terms of practical help which will make my daughter feel better.
Would you just cut and run? It is so heartbreaking to watch that my instinct just tells me to get her out of there - she has done everything by the book, as have I, telling the teachers and trusting them, and they have really let us down and dd now feels undermined and like there is no safe place at school, or no guaranteed safe place. It is sometimes safe with her 4 friends, but she really feels the mockery and sniggering from the others and this is overshadowing the fact that she is not, as many victims of bullying are, completely alone.
what would you do?

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ShadeofViolet · 26/03/2010 11:26

How awful for your DD.

If you pull her out now, would she be going to secondary school with these same girls?

What does your DD want to do?

rocknstroll · 26/03/2010 11:31

no, thankfully she is going to secondary school without anyone from her current school. Complete fresh start.
She is desperate for the horrible girls to like her and so while would like to never have to go there again, would also like to go there again in order to have one last attempt at either making them like her, or delivering a withering one liner that will stop them all in their tracks and make them respect her. It is completely unrealistic I think.

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Beans33 · 26/03/2010 11:35

Oh gosh, I do feel for you terribly. I was really badly bullied at secondary school, when I left primary. And while I stuck at it for over 2 years, I really wish I hadn't! My parents then moved me to another school, which I absolutely loved.

Would taking her out of school affect her education at all? It's a really tough one and I feel really sorry for your daughter. I don't think you're being unreasonable - think you're being a wonderful Mum for caring so much and wanting hte best for her. I would weigh up carefully the options for her education and how much she watns to go back and try to get the horrible girls to like her/deliver her one liner. Does she seem to have a preference for what she wants to do?

fiveisanawfullybignumber · 26/03/2010 11:39

A very un-mumsnet type hug for your daughter and yourself.
Is there another primary school nearby that you can move her to, maybe one that feeds into her new secondary school? Even if you are a bit more inconvenienced in the mornings for a term, it may be worthwhile.
For what it's worth, we moved DS1 (now 17) when he was 12 to a school at the other side of the county for similar reasons. he lived with in-laws during the week till we managed to sell the house and move us all there too.
Best decision we ever made, he was really happy at his new school, (although now he's a typical lazy hormonally obsesses teenage boy!!)

ErinH · 26/03/2010 11:39

i think the most important thing is that she has her confidence back by the time she starts secondary school and that she's happy.
what does she want to do? cut and run?
as a parent, I'd be beside myself, as you say, it's heartbreaking and your instincts are to protect and love your child.
i'd only remove her from the school if you are moving away from the area, otherwise she'll miss out and won't be a part of anything when she starts big school in september.
i'm a secondary school teacher and I can tell you that it is almost impossible to monitor bullying, let alone prevent it. there are so many corners where bullying continues and can't be seen. there is no solution to it.
can you get together with her 4 friends and their parents one saturday and talk about it like adults. get the girls to explain what it's like, what's the best thing to do. get them to think up ideas to get her through the next few months and ask them to be particularly good friends to her for the meantime.
do you know what started the bullying? why they bully her? i know it's not her fault but you can't stop bullying, maybe you can change something to change their focus. I don't have a solution, and it's your decision, but trust your instincts and focus on making her happy and do everything in your power. if she feels like a victim and alone you need to find someway of empowering her. maybe an open discussion with her friends and a plan of action is the best way, but personally I'd forget the school masters and deal with it yourselves.

rocknstroll · 26/03/2010 11:42

I haven't explored options hugely in terms of what other schools are available - I rang the ideal one and it was predictably full to bursting point. There is one I know she could get into, and we know some families there, but it is not the ideal school for someone who needs a bit of tlc - it is all about SATS and getting 100% and being a brain box, with pastoral care taking a back seat. So I'm not keen on that, but if I am worried for her safety and mental health, I will do it as better than nothing. She doesn;t have a preference really - and I don't want to leave the final decision in her hands, I don't want her to feel under that pressure. I am the adult and I want her to know she can trust me as I know best.
Though clearly, I haven't a bloody clue.

Her education wouldn't suffer no, she is bright and has been doing a lot less well at school since being bullied. I don't give a stuff about SATS or anything, just want her to be happy.

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EccentricaGallumbits · 26/03/2010 11:44

Get her out. Spend a nice couple of months regaining confidence and doing stuff she wants to do.

then a fresh start.

If school hasn't done anything concrete to change things for her by now they are unlikely to in the next term.

rocknstroll · 26/03/2010 11:46

I work full time, otherwise I would have her out and home school for a term having a great time....I agree re school - lost cause. My other 3 children are there. I need to get them out too, but that is a longer term project.

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MathsMadMummy · 26/03/2010 11:48

well, you're right not to care about SATs!

IMHO it'd be pointless moving her to another school for just a few months. is it feasible to home ed until sept?

AlphabettiSpaghetti · 26/03/2010 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bubbles4 · 26/03/2010 11:50

If you ring your local lea,they should be able to give you a list of local primary schools that have a place.

MathsMadMummy · 26/03/2010 11:51

oh oops X-post sorry

rocknstroll · 26/03/2010 11:53

yes, it is shocking teachers don't stop it. Some of it happens right under teacher's nose in class room which really makes my assurance to tell the teachers as they will sort it out really very hollow for dd.
I've just rang the LEA and they are calling me back - thanks bubbles4.
If i was rich I would take all three of them out and go to Spain or something for a few months and live on a beach in a hut and swim and have fun.
I am not rich - problem.

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ErinH · 26/03/2010 11:53

i agree, she'll miss nothing important at school.
SATS are not aimed at the children, they're a test for the school, the children come second.

any home schooled groups in your area?

any private groups that would take her?

rocknstroll · 26/03/2010 11:55

I don't know - how do I find that out? do you know? I don't know anyone who home schools and have always thuoght it ridiculous. Now think it bloody marvellous.

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ErinH · 26/03/2010 12:02

it really is appalling.
one of my neighbours sends hers to a Steiner Waldorf school. don't know much about it but it was a good alternative for her daughter.
good luck

Ripeberry · 26/03/2010 12:03

Why would she want the horrible girls to like her? Maybe they are trying to tell her to leave them alone?
Anyway, there will be a fresh start at the new secondary, but if new bullies start, it's best to maybe spend the summer holidays building confidence in your DD, maybe do a martial arts class?
I was bullied a lot in primary and secondary, but doing martial arts made me realise that bullies are the insecure ones and the best thing to do is to ignore them, don't try and be their friends as they will never change.
It confused me when I was 12yrs old as my best friend had another 'best' friend who would go from being lovely, to beating her up so badly she had to go to hospital and then back to being a good friend

Journey · 26/03/2010 12:05

I'd home school her. Don't let her suffer any more. The bullying must be afffecting her education so home schooling would be more productive.

AgentZigzag · 26/03/2010 12:08

It makes me so mad when I hear the victims of bullying feel that they're the ones who have to move schools, leaving the bullies (and in your case a majority of your DDs class) to act like something out of Lord of the Flies.

However much schools go on about how they're coming down on bullying, the evidence does seem to point to the fact that they mostly do fk all about it.

rocknstroll · 26/03/2010 12:11

Ripeberry - it is a classic response to an abusive relationship to want your abuser or bully to like you. Absolutely classic. My daughter thinks if she can be cooler / funnier / trendier they won't do it anymore. She hasn't realised the problem is with them, not her.

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rocknstroll · 26/03/2010 12:15

agree - our school has been particularly shocking - dd even got shouted at by a teacher for telling on the bully, right infront of the bully. couldn't believe my ears when I heard that. But it is congruent with everything else that has happened.

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ErinH · 26/03/2010 12:18

do a google search to start
I found these two
homeschooling.gomilpitas.com/regional/UKSupport.htm
www.home-education.org.uk/

ask the lea

you'll have to do some research and talk to people locally

(are you sure Spain's too expensive!! could be the perfect time to take a gap 1/2year)

really hope things work out.

MeMudmagnet · 26/03/2010 12:36

Trying to find a school that feeds into her secondary school is a good idea. That way she'll have a chance to make a few friends before they all move up.

Does she do any other after school activities? Something like Guides might help her make some out of school friends and the activities they do can do wonders for their confidence.

elmofan · 26/03/2010 12:39

your poor daughter , i am going through the same thing with my 11yr old ds , only in ds's case he has been seriously assaulted twice now . you need to go above the head teacher , i have had a thread running on here about my ds for the last few days & i received some fantastic advice & support . maybe telling the head that you will get the police involved might make her sit up & take action to protect your dd . xx

rocknstroll · 26/03/2010 12:39

Yes, she has a few out of school friends, and her confidence is ok, taken a knock, but when not in school or in immediate aftermath of school, she is ok, apart from when she thinks or talks about it, then she quivers and cries.

What about the fact that this might send wrong message about life? That you have to fight your problems head on and get through them, rather than try to avoid them. I don't think that myself, but does anyone else think there is any merit in that idea? I think there is more merit in it where you trust the teachers. But here, I wouldn't trsut them to look after my pen.

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