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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to remove my daughter from school in final term of primary? she is 11 years old and being bullied.

115 replies

rocknstroll · 26/03/2010 11:13

She has been bullied for about 2 months, school have not dealt with it at all well, and my daughter has now become the class pariah - fair game to mock, laugh at, tell to shut up, go away, even hit and kick, most of her attempts to speak to the other children are rejected, and although she does have 4 friends, who I am really trying to help her to see are her real friends, she feels that her friendships with these are fragile, and that they are both in pairs, but she is the 'add on'. I am at my wits end having raised it with class teacher, head teacher, school governors and now even local education authority. The latter have been helpful, but cannot actually do anything until the start of May, in terms of practical help which will make my daughter feel better.
Would you just cut and run? It is so heartbreaking to watch that my instinct just tells me to get her out of there - she has done everything by the book, as have I, telling the teachers and trusting them, and they have really let us down and dd now feels undermined and like there is no safe place at school, or no guaranteed safe place. It is sometimes safe with her 4 friends, but she really feels the mockery and sniggering from the others and this is overshadowing the fact that she is not, as many victims of bullying are, completely alone.
what would you do?

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Anagallisarvensis · 21/04/2010 12:18

Very sorry to hear this. My 9 year old son is being bullied at school but they are dealing with it - got the police involved over one incident, and we are hopefully getting on top of it.

Is this of any help? It's a series of 'lessons' about bullying: www.bullies2buddies.com

There's also stuff on kidshealth.org under bullying.

I was bullied as a 10 year old, didn't get any help and things only really improved when I moved up to the senior school and lots of new girls joined. Big hugs to your daughter.

Anagallisarvensis · 21/04/2010 12:47

Just found a book on Amazon: "Bullies, bigmouths and so-called friends" - it has very positive reviews. Might be worth a look. I'm going to get one.

Anagallisarvensis · 22/04/2010 12:45

Okay, son was bullied at an after-school activity last night. My DH and I went to see the headmaster this morning and had a masterclass in how to deal with these things. The head took detailed notes of the incident and the names of the boys involved. None surprised him. He listened to our account of how anxious our son has been about returning to school, previous incidents, etc. He was very up to speed on the dynamics in my son's class and explained that the boys' parents were very supportive of efforts to get them to change their behaviour. He then invited my son in, asked him to confirm a couple of names, then said that everyone was totally on his side, that they believed him, that there were several options, my son could think about them overnight and we'd let him know in the morning. We moved to Scotland partly because they take education more seriously here and I wish you had the same type of head that we have. Best xxx

rocknstroll · 23/04/2010 12:10

o my god! how amazing!
that is exactly what I thought our head would do. She didn't do any of it, didn't even write anything down.
DD really enjoying new school though which literally has me smiling from ear to ear! It is so wonderful to see.

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Anagallisarvensis · 24/04/2010 17:20

Great news. What a pity it was your daughter who had to move though. Ref the after school club - I said that DS didn't want to go again if 'those boys' were going to be there, our head said "Oh, it won't be your son who's not going back." My son bounced off to school yesterday looking so much more confident.

Before we moved here my DH visited the schools and came back saying "that's the one - the Head's very 'old school'. No nonsense." And he's been proved right.

JosieZ · 24/04/2010 19:09

I have two grown up daughters but I found that there were always fallings out in the last term ie Easter to Summer, though that's not much compensation for the one being picked on.
Things would be fine again when they returned in September.

Could you both visit the new school to show her what a great place it is (hopefully that is how it will appear) so that she has got something to look forward to and she will know that this bullying will soon be behind her.

MaMight · 24/04/2010 19:23

My parents pulled me out of primary school for the last one and a half terms because I was being horribly bullied. Best thing they could have done and 20 years later I still feel enormously grateful that they did. It didn't affect me academically, it really proved to me that my parents were on my side and that 'my side' was worth so much more than those silly girls, and it gave me the space to grow up a bit and become a more confident person who could cope by the time secondary came along.

Going to read the thread now.

Anagallisarvensis · 24/04/2010 20:05

Rocknstroll - appreciate it's difficult as you've got other children at this badly-run school, but I'd seriously consider making an official complaint to your MP, OFSTED and your local education authority. The Head obviously isn't following best practice. Take heart from the Sharon Shoesmith affair, you're not allowed to be crap at your job and get away with it. Also, if something isn't done then, in the future, some other poor kid is going to be bullied if the social dynamics in the class allow for it (as let's face it, they often do). And they might not have the benefit of an understanding parent to get them out of it. All the best xxx

NoobyNoo · 25/04/2010 06:52

I was bullied terribly at late primary/all of secondary. My Mum and her lack of ability to cope with any confrontation did nothing, told me 'just ignore it and it'll go away'. No Mum what you mean is you're going to ignore it, and hope it goes away. Even when notes were thrown into our garden listing all the ways I was shit my Mum still did nothing. In fact she got angry with me 'Well what do you expect me to do? Go to the school? What do you want me to say?'

I felt lost and alone, had zero self-worth and completely retreated inside myself until I left home completely when I was 16. Even after then it has repercussions throughout my adult life. Just be being there for your daughter, listening and helping her is doing so much for her.

I just wish my Mum had loved me the way you obviously love your daughter. Ohh... I think I need to go and had a little cry now... writing this has dug up some long buried feelings.

Anagallisarvensis · 25/04/2010 09:59

NoobyNoo - very sorry to hear your account. What a dreadful experience of childhood. Could you see if you could get some counselling? Talking it through with a professional might help you move on. BTW, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is terrific. My DH had it for depression and is a big fan (of course he is one of those rare people who admits something is wrong and does something about it).

I did some training for a volunteer job a while back, a participant related how a friend had been bullied by one particular girl in school, then grown up. She thought she'd moved on until one day at her job, which she loved, this bully, now a grown woman, joined the office and started bullying her again to the point that she had to leave. It doesn't just go away.

Favourite quote: "Living well is the best revenge."

All the best xxx

NoobyNoo · 25/04/2010 14:54

Thanks so much Ana. Don't want to thread hijack, but yeah, I think you've got some good advice there. I just can't carry on trying to bury the past, thinking I'm OK and strong and then triggers (like a thread about a little girl getting bullied like me) just seem to set off an emotional bomb and I just can't handle it.

I need to do something don't I? I'll look into it. Thank you. XX

rocknstroll · 04/05/2010 09:51

little shits who were bullying in the old school managed to get a 'message' to DD via kid in new school - in his class.
unbelievable.
they are so relentless.
new school dealt with it well. told head of old school she said 'i am not sure why that would be a problem'. so i broke golden rule and called [arents of bullies myself, neither of whom had any idea any of it had been going on = despite my religious reporting to school, nothing at all had been told to these parents - no wonder the bullying continued! one parent really nice, said she was so ashamed, would sort it out, etc. the other gave a big long lecture on how this was not bullying, that this is complicated, that the kids were emerging into adolescence and that it was a shame i hadn't left DD in the class to restablish herself.
i listed a few of the incidents that had taken place and the impact on my DD and by the time i had finished she apologised.

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rocknstroll · 04/05/2010 10:46

the years of sleepless nights and breastfeeding are just a walk in the park compared to this!

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elmofan · 04/05/2010 12:45

oh rocknstroll i know exactly how you feel good on you for contacting these brats parents , stay strong x

rocknstroll · 04/05/2010 13:00

the cheek of her. that mum. to tell me that i had handled it all wrong, should have left dd in there with her little shit of a child to carry on the torture. i am so mad. but i kept it together - just! - as I just want this whole situation to end. Made no easier at all by fact other kids remain in school of horrors with these kids and the incompetent ignorant head. cannot wait to get them out - so hard in london though to find places for all the kids in one school, that is not dire...can't risk same incompetence of staff again - need tried and tested well established good friendly caring school. With places!

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