to remove my daughter from school in final term of primary? she is 11 years old and being bullied.

[rocknstroll]

She has been bullied for about 2 months, school have not dealt with it at all well, and my daughter has now become the class pariah - fair game to mock, laugh at, tell to shut up, go away, even hit and kick, most of her attempts to speak to the other children are rejected, and although she does have 4 friends, who I am really trying to help her to see are her real friends, she feels that her friendships with these are fragile, and that they are both in pairs, but she is the 'add on'. I am at my wits end having raised it with class teacher, head teacher, school governors and now even local education authority. The latter have been helpful, but cannot actually do anything until the start of May, in terms of practical help which will make my daughter feel better.
Would you just cut and run? It is so heartbreaking to watch that my instinct just tells me to get her out of there - she has done everything by the book, as have I, telling the teachers and trusting them, and they have really let us down and dd now feels undermined and like there is no safe place at school, or no guaranteed safe place. It is sometimes safe with her 4 friends, but she really feels the mockery and sniggering from the others and this is overshadowing the fact that she is not, as many victims of bullying are, completely alone.
what would you do?

Does the other school still have a place? I'd be moving her asap now.

"Someone told me that if you move a child in Yr6 that the school you move to won't let them sit the SATs -- because the school doesn't know how they'll do and it might be awful(?)

I don't know if that's a complete myth, and I'm far from convinced that it matters, but might be worth checking into."

Complete myth, Bidibidi. The school would be obliged to let the op's dd sit the tests, they wouldn't have any choice. Educationally, moving schools won't make any difference at this stage in Y6.

And emotionally, it absolutely is the right decision, I don't think anyone would argue. Well done, op - I hope your dd's school is much nicer.

Take her out of school now, tell the headteacher about the teacher who did nothing, then tell Ofsted that the school are failing in their 'pastoral' care.
Hope your daughter is Ok, bullies are cowards when by themselves, I've had lots of run ins with them and I find myself these days just trying to avoid any kind of confrontation as I will just lash out physically.
And as an adult, that gets you in lots of trouble

Reading this thread rather late on, but I am horrified. You need to get the police involved as well as contacting Ofsted. I jolly well hope your DH is on board now wrt moving schools. How awful for your poor DD.

I agree that your DD shouldn't be left in that school. I would go straight to the head and tell him that because he cant guarantee your daughters safety she will not be returning. Contact the LEA an Ofsted. Name and shame the teachers they are failing in their due of care.

I have a DD the same age and she has suffered similar problems and tbh if I didnt work in the school I would have removed by DD!

Can someone else take her while you work? What do you do in the summer holidays? Can you do that for a few months extra? Have you any friends/ family who would have her in the day?

If this is at all a possiblilty, I'd go for it and I wouldn't bother about school until September. You don't need to worry about asking anyone else to educate her, you can fit the HE round it with virtually zero effort. A period of "deschooling" where the child recovers from the traumas of school for a few months is considered perfectly acceptable, so you don't need to worry you will have to squeeze lots of work in when you get home in the evenings.

If this is at all a possiblity, head over to the home ed section where you will get loads of fantastic advice on how to make it work.

Whatever you do, don't send her back. My daughter was severely bullied by a group of girls in Year 5 and I kept her there. It was the wrong thing and has had an impact on her confidence even today (she's 14). Both my girls are home ed now but I really wish I had taken DD1 out of that situation sooner.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Keep reminding her that she will have a fantastic new start at her new school in September and all of this will be past history. But it doesn't sound like it is safe to leave her where she is.

The school don't have an anti bullying policy.
The head doesn't know her arse from her elbow. She may mean well but her interventions to date have resulted in more horror for my dd. she told the parents of on of the bullies that I was very angry, and could they please keep her at home for a couple of days to allow me time to calm down.
I threatened police before and the headteacher told me they wouldn't take it seriously and that it was ridiculous to think about doing that.
My other children are still there, they have lovely friends and they have a lovely time. But I really want to take them out too as I don't trust any of the adults. I can't spell out each and every incident on here as I don't want to be recognised, but some have been just so horrifying.

RocknStroll, every state school is legally required to have an anti bullying policy. And they must make it available for you to see if you ask. Therefore, I suggest you ask them for a copy and if they refuse or say they do not have one, contact OFSTED straight away.

Statutory duty of schools

Headteachers have a legal duty under the School Standards and Framework Act 1998 to draw up procedures to prevent bullying among pupils and to bring these procedures to the attention of staff, parents and pupils.

here
And she is wrong when she says the police will not take it seriously. When I reported my DC1's bullies to the police I was told that as they were ten years old and therefore over age of responsibility, what they had done was regarded as assault and they visited their homes and spoke with them.

I think the HT is calling your bluff because she knows she is in the wrong and is hoping that if she tells you these things, you will back down. For the sake of your DD, don't let them get away with it.

say, they may be required to have a policy, but ime the school very often blames the bullied child instead ("couldn't you just try to fit in more?") as it's easier to do than to tackle the people doing the bullying.

Just a thought OP but if you took her out now, the school would suddenly become very proactive I would think, just a few weeks before SATs. (assuming you're based in England?)

Ask for the date in May, that the help will begin and pull her out until then.

The focus needs to be increasing her self-esteem. This might be by pulling her out, but that could also lead to reduced self-esteem if she feels she has let you down by not being able to deal with it. Can you talk to her about what she wants support with?

Kids are very superficial too. Can you BUY her out of her situation. Give her something to increase her social status.

How completely crap for your DD.

Inform the governors about the lack of bullying policy. As sayithowitis says, it is a legal requirement.

I would threaten the school with legal action. Can you get a scary letter sent from someone? That can sometimes work wonders. I would also involve the police if school were doing nothing.

Duchesse, I realise that. I have seen both sides IYKWIM. However, given that they are required to have a policy, they must let you see it. If they do not, R&S is in a powerful position about getting them to deal with this. If they do have it, she is also in a powerful position because she will be able to demonstrate that they are not following their own policy by giving examples of what has happened and comparing it to what their policy say should have happened. If she chose to, she could actually cause a lot of problems for them. And sadly, I think she needs to make them aware that not only does she know she can, but that she will unless it is dealt with properly.
As I say, I have experience from both sides, as a parent ( and another family situation which was far more serious) and from my role in school.

R&S's DD needs to see that she is not the one being punished and it may be that she does not want to move schools. If that is the case, then the school must be made to deal with it. Legally if necessary. If she does want to move, fine as long as she feels she is the one calling the shots and not running away. Even if she does move school, she will need to see that the school has been 'brought to book' so to speak, over their failure in their duty of care towards her.

The governors know all about the lack of bullying policy. I told them, in writing, weeks ago, that it was a legal requirement and asked to see it. I received a phone call saying they didn't have one but were thinking about writing one as a result of 'all this'

I know all about the legal requirements and what the police would do. I know the HT is lying to cover her arse. I don't want to go to the police as I don't want to put DD through anymore drama. I've told school I will go to police, but I don't mean it - DD has been through enough without having to go through a legal case. I think it may be time to draw a line, think positive, and look to the hopefully happy future.

I also need to not start an all out fight with the school over this as my other children remain there. I am acutely aware of that.

take her out immediately, her well being is far more important than anything. You can home school her and have some fun doing it, museums trips to fun places hmm no not alton towers!!!! or get her into another for the time being. I am horrified that schools wont deal with bullies why not what are they afraid of. She needs her confidence back to be able to start a new school with out fear of further rejection. My girls went to loads of different schools for one reason or another and haven't suffered in the big wide world. good luck and please remove immediately.

thanks! that is a really nice message. There have been loads of really helpful constructive surpporting messages for which I am really grateful.
Waiting for start date from new school.

what questions would you ask new head?
what things would make you think 'yes, this is right' or 'no, this won't do at all!' I know anything will be an improvement on current situation but any direction anyone can give me on this would be very much appreciated. thank you so much .

Obvious question in your case would be 'What's the policy on bullying?'. Also ask about what they will do to help your DD settle in, despite only being there for a term. If possible, ask both the teacher and the head sepearately, see if their answers match up.

I thin you've got to the point that you'll know if it's the right thing to do. If it feels right, it probably is.

I so feel for you and your little girl.
This happened to our DD when she was just 7, she stopped talking as a result of the trauma she went through.

We changed school and from day one she just loved it and fitted in. Within a fortnight she was back to the bouncy little girl she had been and has never shut up since

She is at high school now, clever, very self confident and popular.

I second what Edustudent says, if the new school feels right for her then it is!

There is light at the end of the tunnel and you are doing the right thing.

serin - she stopped talking? that is just so terribly sad and awful. I can see how it would do that to a child though. The relentless message that you are worthless is excruciating. My DD has restarted bed wetting as well as doing a lot of shaking and some retching as though she will be sick. She hasn't done this for a while though, not since last time she was at school. It is heart breaking when you see your child with such obvious signs of suffering, and yet having to beg and plead with the school to recognise there is even a problem! I really cannot imagine being a teacher and being as blase about it as some of the fuckers at our school. shocking.

Rocknstroll, I would move her or keep her out of school, your faith in her is so important. Two months is such a long time to be unhappy.

The school should have stamped it out immediately IMO, and the messages sent to other children as how the school deal with it will impact a lot.

I personally took my DD out of the school where her Brother had had unresolved bullying issues, as we lost confidence in the schools ability to deal with it and were concerned about her going through the same system.

There is a fabulous HE support network on MN if you look for it and I am sure they would be a great support.

She will be fine in the long run as you are so protective. I endured years of bullying as my parents didn't know how to deal with it and the long term effects have lasted into adulthood.

I am certainly going to remove my other children as soon as I can. There is no way, given what I have observed here, that I can trust them to look after my children. I work full time and have no choice about it, or otherwise I would absolutely take them out and home school all of them. Or at least home school the younger ones until I got a school place for them.
And yes I agree Mitsubishi - two months is an exceptionally long time to be unhappy.

Oh god rocknstroll I've just read your posts and can't believe it.

Can I just emphasise what has been said - TELL THE POLICE. You say you are scared because your other children are there - I'd be more worried about the physical violence than repercussions from the teaching staff. Please please please contact the police. These adults are responsible for children.

Having said that, you poor thing, full time work and three children to try and move, will the new school not take all three of them? Where abouts in the country are you (roughly)? Could you not do something drastic eg pay a childminder to have her during the day?

But please please please, involve the police.

We've got a lovely new school for DD. No places for the others but we are on the list. I may tell the police once they are all safely out of there but the staff are so unprofessional that I don't trust them not to tell the whole school / discuss it in front of my other kids if I do involve the police so at the moment we just have to smile and carry on.
Never been through anything quite as horrifying as this .

I feel terrible for you and your dd, my dd suffered for 4 years at primary school, at the hands of one very sly girl, when the school eventually called in a mediator, the school told us it was a 50-50 problem, they reluctantly let us speak to this person, who told us no such thing, and that the school couldn't change the other childs behaviour but that my dd would have to learn strategies to deal with it.
Thankfully we moved her to a school with no contact with her previous class mates, but at great financial cost to us. it is a terrible struggle financially but seeing her come out of school with a smile on her face has been worth every penny. My dd didn't want to leave in the last term as it would have meant she would miss all the year 6 treats etc. but if your dd wants to move I would do it, but into a school where she will move up with some of her new class mates if possible. sorry this has been so long winded, but the last 4 years made me physically ill with all the worry so I can appreciate your dilema. Good luck