Had the most horrible morning, walked out of mother and toddler group in tears. AIBU to never go back?

[tryingtobemarrypoppins2]

DS 1 is 2years 3months and I have just had another baby now 4 weeks.

Over the last 2 months DS1 has turned from a really lovely, sweeet, funny boy into a bit of a nightmare, particually at toddler group. Not sharing, hitting to get toys back etc. I find this VERY embarrising and so have been like a helicoper hoovering over him all the time but this has got harder as i'm trying to breastfeed my newborn.

I always ask him to say sorry and give a hug which he always does but within 10mins its happened again! We then move to timeout etc.

Today wasn't too bad but I couldn't relax. He hit 3 times different children, the final time the victims mum shouted really loudly at my DS even though I had already got down (with baby on my boob) on my knees to tell my LO off. When I asked DS to say sorry she screamed "I should think so too". Whilst I am not trying to belittle the hit, it wasn't repeaed, didn't leave a mark or anything else. I left in tears.

DS never hits his 'friends' and I think finds the busy enviornment hard but this isn't an excuse. I have been so upset this afternoon as I worry other parents are judging me etc.

AIBU to think of not going anymore. Its soooooooooooooooo hard getting out the door and then I spend all afternoon in tears. Think I am a bit postnatal still as well. DS can be so lovely in a small group.

I don't think you need to make a decision never to go back, but I do wonder why you have felt that you ought to keep going when your toddler is going through a really difficult phase and you have a new born.

Toddler groups aren't compulsory; there is plenty of time ahead for all the social stuff; just relax, spend more time at home and maybe invite one friend over so that it's not a hectic environment. I found mother and toddler groups pretty dire generally anyway, and if your toddler is behaving like this, he's clearly not getting a huge amount out of it that's positive right now.

Poor you - I'm sure half the rest of the group thought the other mother over-reacted. Sounds to me like she did, and that you were conspicuously trying to do the right thing in difficult circumstances.

Go back when you're ready - but if you feel you need a few weeks off then take them and get yourself up together again.

Oh, honey. I've got a 2 year old too, they can just be absolute terrors, can't they?

Is there another group you go to that's a bit smaller? Maybe start your own? Some kids just don't do well in large stressful groups.

Ahh bless, maybe if you feel like having a break from going then do it. And if your feeling really low go to the doctors, you need to feel ok inside to be able to handle these situations.

Also the other mum should NOT have got involved, if she you were quite clearly handling the situation. Just ignore her daft behaviour.

sounds like the other mother totally over reacted. Have you tried the toddler groups at the surestart centres? in the one near us anyway they have playworkers to help keep an eye on older ones if you are stuck with a baby feeding etc so its not quite so stressful .

Could you not get a friend to go with you for a bit of back up re his outbursts? A helping hand when you are dealing with your newborn? It seems a shame for you not to go because of your DS1. Maybe you could befriend another mum and see if he'll play with her child/ren on a more 1:1 basis????

You are most likely postnatal too girl and no wonder!! Don't be so hard on yourself.

I guess I have kept going because I felt that DS needed to learn etc and also as my closest friends say I need to keep coming etc....

If she could see

Your LO sounds like a typical two year old! Hitting, not sharing - i think thats pretty normal! It is however not ideal for you.

Personally I wouldn't go for a few weeks anyway, theres no point if he is not enjoying it, you are not enjoying it and well your new baby is not bothered either way!

Hes probably feeling a little out of sorts, having to share you with this little baby, who he probably sees as taking all 'his' mummies time.

And shame on the other mummy. Maybe she doesn't know what its like to have more than one child to look after.

You have your anwer in the last line of your post. Your ds is probably a bit overwhelmed with the noise and bustle of a large group. I do think that is a good reason to take him out of that environment. Telling him off won't work at the moment. He is too young and won't remember what you say from one moment to the next. Hence the repeating the hitting after 10 mins. Of course tell him off if he hits but I think you would be better avoiding the sorts of situatiins he finds difficult for a while.

Hea is probably suffering from a bit of sibling jealousy. as well It is still very early days with a newborn and toddler and very hard work.

Why not give the toddler groups a bit of a miss for a while until your ds has settled down as it doesn't seem as if he enjoys them much at the moment? Can you invite more friends round or meet in the park etc if you need more adult company?

I'm sure it'll get better - it's been a stressful time for DS, as well as you, with the new baby etc. Don't pressure yourself to get to all these groups now if it's stressing you out, baby is so young you still need to rest! But don't rule out ever going back, when you're up to it. There will always be silly judgmental mums at these places, you just have to ignore them. Chin up

My son was just like this at M & T group at the same age. Looking back, I needed the contact with other adults for my own sanity, but he really didn't need to be there. I'd say that if you cope without the group, it may be best just to stay away while you are feeling so fragile. It's a perfectly normal stage that your son is going through but the last thing you need at the moment is having to cope with tight-lipped other mothers.

Maybe she was having a really bad day/ husband had left her/ cat had been run over.
She's probably feeling a bit sheepish now. It's not nice when our children are being little horrors but you were dealing with yours appropriately so you should not stay away for that reason.
If you fancy giving yourself some time off though, that's a different matter.
CheerfulYank suggested starting your own group. Myself and a friend did that. We took it in turns to host a lunch on wednesdays for 6 mums and tods. After a few weeks, the other mums started to volunteer to host and it took on a life of it's own. We still keep in touch and have a reunion meal every january( just mums!).

I've got a 2 and a half year old too and know that they can be a complete nightmare. I would stop going to the group for now and just invite 1 or 2 friends over to play at home for a little while if that works better for him. Its not very nice when your child is hit, so I do understand the other mother's reaction, but it's not helping you when you've got so much on your plate.

You know you just made that mum's morning, don't you?

She will feel incredibly smug that her child wasn't the hitter - so well done, that's your good deed for the day! (It will be her turn one day, honestly).

You say your closest friends are encouraging you to keep attending. If they really are close, I think you could say to them that your LO is getting stressed by the noise and activity at toddlers and could you perhaps meet somewhere else once in a while?

YOU probably need some interaction with others, but really, your 2 year old doesn't need to be at toddlers.

Oh, you sound so upset and knackered....kudos on you for even contemplating going to such a group with a newborn!

Ds is probably overwhelmed more with the new baby than the effect of the group, and is probably seeing every other small person as a threat to his special world right now....

but I don't think the other mother over-reacted.....I would have wanted the hitter told off, and I would have told him off myself had you not stepped in.....wouldn't you have done the same had the boot been on the other foot?

I would not say never go back, but maybe give it a few weeks, or ask someone else to take ds so you get some time with the baby? Or vice versa, you take ds and ask someone else to have the baby for an hour? Is that a possibility? Does ds actually enjoy these things? I only took dd a couple of times when she was that age, and tbh, I took her because I thought I ought, but she just used to sit and play on her own so I stopped after a while. (group fun at any age has always been my idea of hell on earth!)

Hope you feel better soon.

oh goodness I don't know what to do now, I don't want to feel isolated but I feel emotionally drained too. I am now wondering just how much he does enjoy it.......perhaps I need it more than him....

Is this behaviour really normal? Is he trying to tell me something?

My DS1 was 2.3 when his younger brother came along and he too was a violent nightmare at M&T and with other children generally. It is not uncommon. I also had another mother totally over react to DS1 pushing her child....the child was fine but the mother literally SCREAMED It upset me at the time but I have had the last laugh as her DD is a little tearaway now whilst my DS1 is very calm and hasn't hurt another child for months and months.

They do grow out of it and the best policy IMO is to avoid the situations that trigger aggression. If your DS is stressed by M&T then just avoid it. Continuing to take him won't teach him anything but it will make life harder on you.

As for the other mother, well she was a donkey and I'm sure other people thought so too. There will come a time when her child starts to show unpleasant behaviour and then hopefully she will realise what an idiot she was.

Chin up, and congratulations on your new baby

these groups are such a fucking nightmare - there seems to be some compulsion (unsaid) to go for no sane reason.

listen - if i said to you "hay you mum with a toddler and a new born come here will you and carry this sack of potatos up that really big hill"

you would say " oi custyardo piss right off"

the moral of the story is - why make life harder than it already is?

He's getting used to a huggggge change for him, he's only little himself, and there is this new human being taking up Mum's time and energy....he is also still little to be learning to share, in that I mean, he should be being encouraged to share, but it's still not going to come naturally to him.....so yes, it's normal!

Have you asked him if he enjoys it?

Learning to play nicely, not hitting or intimadating other children are important social skills, BUT they don't have to be learned at toddler group' in fact at the age of two they're probably better learned at home with one or two friends.

Stop putting yourself through the trauma of it all!

I think from the other Mum´s pov, her child was the third that your son hit.

Could he go to a nursery without you to give you both a break?

But if he is enjoying it I would try to keep going?

As others have said-could you get a friend to help?

Don't let one person's over reaction put you off doing something you want to do. You dealt with the situation, you have no reason to berate yourself.

This woman must be very lucky if her toddler has never put a foot wrong while playing with others. Your DS is a very little boy, still learning and coping with a new baby sibling. Toddler group helps toddlers learn to interact socially.
So think about what is best for you and your DS, - and see if you can get a couple of friends on board to help keep Mrs.OTT out of your hair

If it helps at all, I saw lots of children behave like this when my dd1 was that sort of age and never, ever judged the parents. At least, not those that reacted to their child's behaviour. As long as I saw a parent telling their child that what they were doing was wrong, I didn't think much of it. To be honest, a bit of rough and tumble at this age is no bad thing for kids - like you say, it't not like he was hitting so hard he was leaving a mark. The other mum was definitely over-reacting.

But agree with the others. I couldn't have stayed at home during those early weeks with dd2 but perhaps inviting one of two friends to your house on a regular basis would be easier all round.

I hope you're feeling better, you really are at the hardest stage.