Had the most horrible morning, walked out of mother and toddler group in tears. AIBU to never go back?

[tryingtobemarrypoppins2]

DS 1 is 2years 3months and I have just had another baby now 4 weeks.

Over the last 2 months DS1 has turned from a really lovely, sweeet, funny boy into a bit of a nightmare, particually at toddler group. Not sharing, hitting to get toys back etc. I find this VERY embarrising and so have been like a helicoper hoovering over him all the time but this has got harder as i'm trying to breastfeed my newborn.

I always ask him to say sorry and give a hug which he always does but within 10mins its happened again! We then move to timeout etc.

Today wasn't too bad but I couldn't relax. He hit 3 times different children, the final time the victims mum shouted really loudly at my DS even though I had already got down (with baby on my boob) on my knees to tell my LO off. When I asked DS to say sorry she screamed "I should think so too". Whilst I am not trying to belittle the hit, it wasn't repeaed, didn't leave a mark or anything else. I left in tears.

DS never hits his 'friends' and I think finds the busy enviornment hard but this isn't an excuse. I have been so upset this afternoon as I worry other parents are judging me etc.

AIBU to think of not going anymore. Its soooooooooooooooo hard getting out the door and then I spend all afternoon in tears. Think I am a bit postnatal still as well. DS can be so lovely in a small group.

I think the OP should have removed DS after the second hit. I am assuming she told him off after hitting the first one. Then when he hit the second one, it should have been a bigger thing - a right bollocking. But a third child? . Sorry, but totally unacceptable.

on a more supportive note . take some time for yourself and ds and newbaby . you deserve it - it must be f*ing stressful!

Wow i am so impressed you went to a toddler group when you have a 4 week old - you are mary poppins...

I hope things get better - it must be tough going with 2 little kiddies.

You sound like a super mum!

I dont think its the fact that the mum intervened, of course its ok to ask a child to stop hitting your kid. I think its the way she went about it. OP was in the middle of breastfeeding, yet still came over to try to sort her child out. She did her best. the other mum shouted at the op's child, then snapped at the OP with the "I should think so" comment, which imo is totally over the top. Had she had a bit of sensitivity she would have thought about it and realised the hitting child is going through a difficult phase with a new baby in the family and the (probably exhausted) mum is doing her best. Kids hitting or biting or whatever are a fact of life at toddler groups. Sometimes your kid is going to get hit, sometimes they might do it.

OP I wouldnt go for a while, these groups are depressing at the best of times, they are horrific if you are a bit postnatal, get biscuits in, snuggle on sofa with the kids, feed the baby and watch cbeebies!

i feel so sorry for you - i have left places in tears before but not necessarily of the same reasons, but still because of what people might think of me. i bet this other mum is feeling she over-reacted and is too embarrased to say. you sound like you have a lot on your plate at the moment and you can always go back later. all kids go through this stage and any mum who says their darlings dont are lying. chin up...

i hated toddler groups with a fierce passion. Life is too short.

Have you tried something like tumble tots? might suit him better.

seriously if you dont enjoy it and he doesnt enjoy it stop putting yourself through it. he is little more than a baby.

funny how with dc2 i did much less and with dc 3 i mainly enjoy being at home

brassband my little boy is just that, a little boy, he is not a "little shit"

RubyBuckleberry because I am so keen for him to be "perfect" I am being a bit OTT and watching him constantly, way to much I expect, intervening over every tiny thing, so the first and second times I told him off and did timeout etc they were the sort of pushes/no mine etc moments many mums would have ignored/re directed etc but I am worried and trying to nip things in the bud......I really am trying my best.

I totally understand the other mum being cross. My upset was more that I was already really telling DS off with a new baby on my boob and helping him to make it better but the mum shouted so loudly and made it really hard as the other child then cried. The other minor 'incidents' were far away from her in a busy place I don't think she would have seen.

I agree his behaviour isn't right but thank-you for reminding me its normal at this age etc.

I have been offered a student from the childcare course today to help me twice a week so have said a big yes please!

Thank-you for being so kind and supportive.....I really needed that after today

Sounds like typical 2yo behaviour and typical PFB mother who's little darling hasn't got to this stage yet.

Its easy for me to say 'don't beat yourself up about it' because it is upsetting. Perhaps speak to the organiser of the group for some support? They'd have seen it a thousand times before. And I agree with take a friend along, or stick with the friends you have there. All that's required from anyone is their understanding.

Perhaps just go for an hour, or singing time or something. You still need to get out of the house, so now the weather's picking up maybe arrange to meet someone in a park as an alternative some weeks.

One thing that helped me with DS1 (who was a biter) was spending 10 minutes a day just with him, doing his thing. It really turned things around, and very quickly too. Maybe its just what happens, maybe its about attention. All attention is good attention to a 2 yo. You'll never know. You've just got to get through it. Which you will. He might be testing his boundries, learning what is socially acceptable.

It probably seems impossible right now. Take it easy, just go for a walk once a day.

And don't beat yourself up

Hello Jamieandhismagictorch! Thanks for your comments. Very fast labour in the end.....seeing midwife counsilor next week, all a bit mad in the end! xx

why do you feel you need to take your DS to a toddler group? just relax at home, or when you feel able, ask a one mum round with her LO and spend time together on one-to-one basis. MUCH easier to control this kind of situation than the chaos that occurs in a toddler group.

Congratulations btw, but please give yourself a break. Don't be so hard on yourself!!
A toddler group is the last thing I'll be doing when DS2 comes along in the summer! DS1 doesn't even go to one, we just meet up with others mums on a more informal basis which works even better. Much less stressful. And there's no regular commitment needed - we just meet up every month or two when we fancy it.

I always hated free-play toddler playgroups and took all mine to structured gym and singing things or library storytime. I don't think there's any amount of exposure to the give and take of toddler play that hurries up anyone's social development either, just develops their left hook quicker, in my observation.

It's pointless, although maybe natural, to be embarrassed by toddler behaviour. Toddlers will be themselves whether you feel mortified or not -- feeling embarrassed only puts added pressure on a mum. Just deal with the behaviour as you feel fit, but cut down on the stress in your lives as much as possible and everyone will feel a lot better. Toddlers need consistency and firmness and love; they grow out of their immature ways but it takes time. The process can't be speeded up.

I would also be thinking 'sod that' if that's the kind of attitude mother and toddler groups have, where there is nothing but bitchiness going on. surely the whole point is to be supportive of one another?? not shouting at other people's DC and also slagging of mums for doing their best

why put yourself through it all? Agree with a few others. Children are best in the outdoors. Get outdoors more, let them burn off the extra energy. And everyone will feel better for it

DS doesn't go to toddler groups (went a few times, but I just didn't enjoy them - got bored with the same conversations after two sessions...) and I also found I could not relax . Much more enjoyable to meet up with mums I've known for a long time at the park or at each other's houses, so we can just enjoy the time without thinking 'oh no, what's he going to do now'.

That's awful - not what happened (my DS1 was a horror when DS2 arrived and he was just 2 - not that he'd been an angel before ), but the way the other mum reacted. What's the point? You were clearly dealing with it (which is more than some mums at M&T or soft play do), and promptly, notwithstanding newborn clamped to boob, so what on earth's to be gained by shouting and making you feel crapola? Baffling and really hurtful - of course it's not nice to see your DC being hit, but you were dealing with it and your DS is ONLY 2, fgs. Really feel for you, I have left M&T groups in tears many times for this sort of reason, and did go through a longish stint (about a year) of just not going.

DS1 now far more civilised (yay!), and we do go again - luckily, DS2 is (so far, touch wood etc.) far more laid-back so not an issue with him. I understand the urge to keep going to expose your DS to social situations etc - but if it's going to be that stressful, I would just give it a miss for a while, as it will just get you down. Let everything bed down with the new baby, get out to the park when the weather allows etc. And when you do go back, try a different group, with nicer mums - she sounds like a cow, tbh. Hope you're feeling better now.

but children get exposed to social situations like going to the park, or the supermarket where they meet other people/children. why do people feel they HAVE to go to a toddler group? what is so special about them, honestly???

Going to a playground with your children teaches them plenty social skills, like learning to share the swings or the slide with other children. Plus they get loads of fresh air. Toddler groups are stuffy, you have to pay (usually) and you get nothing but bitchy mums slagging people off. Very welcoming ofcourse

I guess I also feel under pressure to go to groups as he goes to Nursery once a week and sometimes "finds it hard to know what to do in busy social situations" (his key worker has said this).

This exact thing happened to a lovely girl at the toddler group I used to go to (years ago - my 3 kids all much older now!)

She was a young mum with a 2 yr old and a new baby and finding things a struggle I think, especially as her 2 year old was quite challenging- hitting and tantrums. He was disruptive but we all tried to distract him and play with him to help out.

After one particularly trying session she just burst into tears and said she couldn't come anymore as it was just too stressful.

Everyone was so supportive and dismayed that she felt so awful.

Even though we encouraged her to stay she felt she couldn't come back - and didn't for a while, which was probably the right move at the time for her and her DS.

I always made sure to tell her if we were ever meeting outside of the group and sometimes she came along.

What I'm trying to say is that sometimes you have to kiss a few frog toddler groups before you come across the prince!

Take it easy for a while. And don't be so hard on yourself.

@brassband www.cbc.ca/documentaries/doczone/2010/hyperparents/index.html
Her child wasn't kicking the shit out of the other child, he merely hit the other child. This is how children at this age navigate their feelings because they lack the language and experience to to understand that hitting another child is not a way to go about it. As a parent, you should have the maturity to assess the severity of the situation and clearly the child is having a crappy day and is taking it out on other children the only way he knows how. If the child had the other one pinned down and was hammering on him and was being a pure bully, then perhaps an adult, mature word to the parent is in order but certainly not what happened here. Here, the other woman over-reacted.

www.cbc.ca/documentaries/doczone/2010/hyperparents/index.html

"finds it hard to know what to do in busy social situations"

marypoppins don't you think he will learn this as time goes by though? all children develop these skills naturally and he will no doubt be off to school learning all this day in day out! how on earth did mums get by in the 50s or 60s when these kinds of groups were not the norm?? they used to just meet up with other mums next door, or just stay in the home! their children still turned out fine.

I think HVs have a lot to do with this, making new mums feel they have to go to these groups after they give birth (I know I felt this!). people should be free to make up their own mind and not be pressurised into it.

Your children won't turn out damaged members of society if they don't attend a toddler group.

and surely it's logical to avoid busy groups then if your DS is struggling with this environment. start off little IMHO (you know, one-to-one meet ups with another mum, then two mums etc), and then work your way up the chaos of a toddler group if that's what you wish to do.

I found it stressful with ONE child at those places, let alone imagining what you must be going through with two!

Actually, I was of the impression that HV recommend M&T groups because new mothers could get some company for themselves, rather than for their children.
Which is fair enough, given that lots of new parents live far away from their families/friends etc.
On paper, the idea of group of mothers meeting up for mutual support/company and gossip is a good one.

Sounds like the other mother is the person with issues, not your son. Maybe she has PND or something though?

Yes, I think it is normal and yes he is trying to tell you something - that he is really fed up that you have had another baby. BUT - give him a little while and they will soon start to interact and adore each other. There's nothing as nice as seeing your children play with each other .

Also - how verbal is he? When he can articulate what he wants he will not have to use physical actions to make his point (and you can remind him, as the Americans do - "use your words, honey" !)

(Remember, he has only been alive for 2 years and most of that time he was a baby, so no surprise he hasn't quite got the 'social situation' off pat)

but franca how is it a good idea if the mother is finding the environment stressful? you could catch up with friends in the home rather than meeting at a toddler group and still get adult company but you control the situation not a group leader. that was my point (badly put).