Had the most horrible morning, walked out of mother and toddler group in tears. AIBU to never go back?

[tryingtobemarrypoppins2]

DS 1 is 2years 3months and I have just had another baby now 4 weeks.

Over the last 2 months DS1 has turned from a really lovely, sweeet, funny boy into a bit of a nightmare, particually at toddler group. Not sharing, hitting to get toys back etc. I find this VERY embarrising and so have been like a helicoper hoovering over him all the time but this has got harder as i'm trying to breastfeed my newborn.

I always ask him to say sorry and give a hug which he always does but within 10mins its happened again! We then move to timeout etc.

Today wasn't too bad but I couldn't relax. He hit 3 times different children, the final time the victims mum shouted really loudly at my DS even though I had already got down (with baby on my boob) on my knees to tell my LO off. When I asked DS to say sorry she screamed "I should think so too". Whilst I am not trying to belittle the hit, it wasn't repeaed, didn't leave a mark or anything else. I left in tears.

DS never hits his 'friends' and I think finds the busy enviornment hard but this isn't an excuse. I have been so upset this afternoon as I worry other parents are judging me etc.

AIBU to think of not going anymore. Its soooooooooooooooo hard getting out the door and then I spend all afternoon in tears. Think I am a bit postnatal still as well. DS can be so lovely in a small group.

The other mum was just plain meanI would never be snarky to a fellow mum if I saw that they were doing their best to supervise their toddler while feeding a newborn. She could have said something along the lines of "I see you're tied up there, do you mind if I intervene on your behalf". I loved going to toddler groups with my first but once the second came along I found it all a bit chaotic and with the thirdwell, he's NEVER been to one. Agree with other posters...try to have some friends round so you the children can socialize and try to get outside; fresh air does absolute wonders for you all. Do you have a double buggy that your 2 yr old might go in?

Blimey.

I'm remembering the thread from yesterday where the mum told off another child (not for hitting, but for fiddling with her empty buggy) and get total support for doing it. Just shows what a difference the perspective of the teller of a story makes to the reaction to it.

I'm really sorry OP but I'd tell a kid off for hitting.

It just doesn't sound like the best place for your DS right now, so as others have said, why put yourself through the stress.

Roffling at the idea of all our galumphing teens putting on their cvs "I thumped and was thumped, gissa job"

What exactly does the other mother only having one child have to do with anything? I've only got one and to my knowledge she has never hit anyone. But if she did, and I wasn't in the vicinity, then I'd thank any other parent for stepping in and bollocking her, then I'd go home mortified.

I second whoever suggested a surestart group if there is one locally - the playworkers saved my sanity (and looked after DD who was 17m) when I'd just had DS. (Or vice versa - everyone wanted to coo over the baby too while I spent some time with DD.)

What your son does is normal and the other mum overreacted if you were dealing with it. DS still goes to our group at 2.6 (and he acts his age) but one of his best friends now is a little girl who did nothing but hit and snatch toys when she first went. They get on fine now. I'd persevere if you can.

It would be more convincing that people really did think that hitting and biting were normal behaviours if we heard that pov from people whose kids had been on the receiving end of it, and who felt that giving a row for it was over reacting.

Of course nobody whose own child does it is going to say oh I wouldn't stand for that.

Yesterday climbing on a buggy was unacceptable behaviour and it isn't doing the child any favours letting them away with it, today hitting is normal and other mothers have no right to say anything.

Ah, Morris, that's the beauty of MN....

I do sympathise with the OP, but as I said in my original post, I think had she not been feeling sensitive and exhausted and with a tiny baby in tow, she wouldn't have felt like she did this morning. Or had the boot been on t'other foot, and had her son been on the receiving end....

Taking everything else out of the equation, (which is the only way to look at something properly) Child A had already hit a couple of children this morning and then hit Child B. Was Child B's mother wrong to be narked?

Of course she wasn't.

That's a fair way to see it Bucharest. Wish I was relaxed and nice like you.

I just see all these contradictions and then go off on one. Not much help to OP is it.

Sorry OP. I think you are probably being a bit unreasonable but understandably so.

Morris - its not a question of thinking one's own children can do no wrong, or being precious about others telling your child off. But it is totally unnecessary to scream at a toddler after he's already been told off by his mum.

That's why the woman over reacted, I would have no problem (and I don't suppose the OP would) if she'd said 'Mummy's right, you mustn't hit other children, you'll hurt them.' or something similar. And I wouldn't be nasty to a mother because a 2yr old misbehaves. Unless the parent was encouraging it.

Morris - I was on the receiving end of it with DS1 - he seemed like a magnet for hitters and biters. Honestly, if I saw the parent dealing with it, I wouldn't say anything. It is annoying when people minimise it by saying things like "he's only 2" or he "doesn't understand", and don't tell the child off or apologise, but nonethless it IS very common toddler behaviour and not a sign of a child being a "little shit" (brassband's term).

I've had both a biter and a bitee, and I know which feels worse, as a parent.

I don't think hitting is acceptable. I also think it is very difficult to accept your child being hit without saying anything to the hitter. Which is why I'm not prepared to apportion moral high ground on this thread. But from what I see, commonsense has mainly prevailed with most people suggesting some time away from M & T group.

Every toddler I've ever known has gone from sweet and charming to devil child when a new baby arrives. Totally normal.

I don't think YABU at all - I don't really have an issue if another child hits my DC if their parents are a) watching and b) chastising. I don't feel the need to intervene at all. Some parents are v PFB about their kids and need to chill out a bit.

I wouldn't go back though - always loathed bloody toddler groups. Vile places

Bucharest - the having more than one child thing is possibly relevant, because SOME people (me included) with one can think that they are some sort of superior parent because their toddler isn't "aggressive", only to be set straight when their next child is a biter.

Also - this thread is not really about the other woman's behaviour, it's really about the OP wanting to vent about her difficult time at the moment

hello Jamieandhismagictorch good posts

It's totally unhelpful to describe any child as a 'little shit'. On the other hand, hitting is unacceptable, and I think it was fair enough for the other mother to respond when her child was the 2nd or 3rd child to be hit. She may have responded unpleasantly but without being there we can't really know.

I would still urge the OP to give herself and her child a break from toddler groups - there is just no need to go for the moment!

Morris - I was on the receiving end of it with DS and have said that I think the other mother was over-reacting. I lost count of the number of times that DS was cracked over the head with a spade/pushed/had his toy snatched and so on. The only time I've ever been narked is when the parents don't intervene (and I or someone else has to), but I have never shouted at another mother about it and never raised my voice with a child about it either. (And believe me, I can shout...)

DS has been both whacker and whackee. I don't mind if other people tell him off and feel quite comfortable telling off other people's kids if they are not there to do so. But the OP was there and was sorting it.

Hitting/biting is pretty standard toddler stuff, but that doesn't mean they get away with it either.

First up, most young children go through a hitting/snatching/not sharing stage - and it is almost certainly exacerbated by having a new sibling and all the uncertainty that that brings for a young child - so don't worry about your DS.

Secondly, the other mum could and should have been a touch more sympathetic in her approach. There was no need for sarky comments.

Thirdly, you acted in completely the right way. What else could you have done?

So - no need to feel bad.

At the risk of sounding patronising, 4 weeks post-birth is usually a time of complete hormone craziness (hence the tears and flounce, I'd imagine ) so be kind to yourself, but try to keep it in perspective.

I would say, however, that unless you have some very good friends at the group that can help out with either your toddler or your baby, it is probably best to find some other social options for the time being. It's not worth the hassle.

Have a good friend (who is understanding about your DS whacking their kids over the head now and then )and their child/ren over, or vice versa. Keep things small scale and hassle free.

Make a return to toddler group when you're feeling a bit stronger, maybe with a friend in tow, and don't stay for the whole duration.

Dry your eyes and have a glass of vino (or cup of tea and a biccie if bf-ing)

Oh bless OP, yes, I'd give the toddlers group a miss (mostly because they are my idea of hell on earth)
The other mother was clearly over reacting, you were dealing with the situation.
Also, what do they expect from a group of 2 yr old? There'll always be one who hits, one who bites, one who has a melt down, one who plays quietly. It is absurd to take it so personally if your child gets hit by another 2 yr old, imho.

At the risk of being intrusive tyringtobe - what did you call the baby ?

Oddly enough I had exactly the same situation a couple of years ago when DS was about the same age as your little one. I woudl give yourself a break from toddler groups for now and go back in afew weeks. Some people are very intolerant of other childrens behaviour either because their children are yet to hit that phase or they have forgotten what it is like. Sounds like your eldest needs more one to one time with you which you can do at home whilst the little one sleeps. Its just a phase. There will be another phase coming along soon.

Wrote long reply. Lost it.

Op - it ain't worth the hassle. Whack on cbeebies, get the pens and pencils out. Do some jigsaws. Mumsnet.

He will still be prime minister. Don't worry

I used to hate these places they are boiling cauldrons for disaster.Can you not go with another close friend with their children,and take it in turns to keep eye on each others toddlers.Don't be in tears though we have all been in this situation, sadly it is part and parcel of being a parent.

honey....life will get better, i'd give the group situation a swerve for the moment....and personnally, am so so impressed you have got 3 people out of the house dressed and on time.....don't stress yourself and take it easy....good luck!