Had the most horrible morning, walked out of mother and toddler group in tears. AIBU to never go back?

[tryingtobemarrypoppins2]

DS 1 is 2years 3months and I have just had another baby now 4 weeks.

Over the last 2 months DS1 has turned from a really lovely, sweeet, funny boy into a bit of a nightmare, particually at toddler group. Not sharing, hitting to get toys back etc. I find this VERY embarrising and so have been like a helicoper hoovering over him all the time but this has got harder as i'm trying to breastfeed my newborn.

I always ask him to say sorry and give a hug which he always does but within 10mins its happened again! We then move to timeout etc.

Today wasn't too bad but I couldn't relax. He hit 3 times different children, the final time the victims mum shouted really loudly at my DS even though I had already got down (with baby on my boob) on my knees to tell my LO off. When I asked DS to say sorry she screamed "I should think so too". Whilst I am not trying to belittle the hit, it wasn't repeaed, didn't leave a mark or anything else. I left in tears.

DS never hits his 'friends' and I think finds the busy enviornment hard but this isn't an excuse. I have been so upset this afternoon as I worry other parents are judging me etc.

AIBU to think of not going anymore. Its soooooooooooooooo hard getting out the door and then I spend all afternoon in tears. Think I am a bit postnatal still as well. DS can be so lovely in a small group.

Why are you trying to struggle with a newborn at p&t group. Its a nighmare.

if you dont enjoy it at the moment then dont go. Ds1 and I went. Mostly because I felt we should but I can honestly say that he didn't miss it when we stopped going (similar age). in fact it was a relief all round.

I second investigating the sure start centres. Its a much nicer atmosphere and you are actually helped with 2 of them so you could actually have a cup of tea in peace.
(unlike m&t where they seem more interested in bitching.

And tbh if your friends want you to go with a newborn theyshould be prepared to help out.

oh gosh. my dd was a nightmare when ds was about 4 weeks and the novelty had worn off. she is normally beautifully behaved. but you know what, after a few weeks she was back to normal. for that short time we kept away from the general public tbh, and just had friends over in short doses.

Wow, I think she completely overreacted. If that happened in my playgroup I would have said something to you along the lines of my DD2 has bitten every child in playgroup before now (not all at once...) and it is a completely normal phase for a toddler with a new sibling.
Good for you for telling him off but really there is not much more you can do.
WHen I had DD2 I always recruited a friend to watch DD1 while I was feeding so they could step in if I couldn't.

But YABU, she was a cow and that was totally uncalled for.

There's an 18 month age gap between ds1 and 2. I didn't appear to have any issues with jealousy but I do know that the formerly jolly baby that had been ds1 turned into a horrid, tantrummy toddler shortly before his second birthday. He seemed to know just how to push the maternal buttons and specialised in being difficult at precisely the times I was occupied with his baby brother. This is normal behaviour and indeed, we were not the only friends with two very LOs who were suffering similarly!

After a couple of incidents like the OP described, I decided that it was far better to surround ds1 with a calmer environment and not go to the more frenetic M & T sessions for a while. So I'd also advise inviting a few friends and their children round for coffee and play.

This stage does not last forever! Trust me!

Agree with those who say that it's probably not the best environment to be in right now so I'd defiantely stick to smaller, quieter groups for him to play in. And at the risk of incurring the wrath of some, I don't think it was that unreasonable for the other mum to react in the way she did if she had already seen him hit 2 other children and perhaps felt that she was doing the right thing. To be honest, if another mum told one of mine off, I wouldn't get to upset - they listen to other people more than they listen to me
Don't stress about it too much - give yourself and your little boy a bit more time to adapt to the changes that a new baby brings to the dynamics and give it another go when you feel ready.

Could someone else take DS to playgroup while you have some time with your new baby?

That way DS doesn't have you to react against/ try to get attention from, and you get a bit of quiet time with the little one.

It is tough- my 18mo DS is toy-thrower when he's frustrated/angry/trying to get my attention. He also thrives much better in a relaxed Church Hall playgroup than at the very ogranised/directed play group at the SureStart centre.

I've been both of you- the PFB Mum who shouts when he kid is smacked (or in my case, got into a headlock on the floor at 9 months) and the Mum of a toddler who throws toys regardless of who is in the way.

I don't think it's a case of never going back, and I also think you need a bit of support/respite til things settle down.

Similar age gap between my DCs and my DS1 was a huge nightmare when DS2 was born. (And to be honest had started being a nightmare before as well, but I was more able to stop it then). I reduced the number of activities we went to, and the rule was 3rd time I had to tell him off for something serious we just packed up and left, regardless of what he was doing/enjoying (in my case it was a tantrum over not wanting to go to the toilet). Then when he got home he had some time out, and didn't get to play with his favourite toys for awhile. If the tantrum continued in the car then it was favourite toys away for the rest of the day/or the next day (depending on what time the playgroup was).

It might feel ridiculous leaving a play group 10 minutes after you get there but if you do it a few times then your DC will eventually get the message that you mean business and that you expect good behaviour when you are out or the outing is over. I continued punishment at home because I didn't want DS to get the idea that all he had to do to leave somewhere he didn't want to be was to throw a tantrum and then he could go home and do what he liked.

You poor thing.
MY DS was very similar, and even now at 3.2 months I tended to avoid toddler groups. He got too boistrious & it inevitably ended up with most of the time there being spent with him on time out. It would make me stressed and upset him, so I figured whats the point. Neither of us are enjoying this experience.

Find a nice park near you, let him run around there instead and introduce yourself to any other mothers who may be there. (I find bringing biscuits helps!)

I spent most of last year just exercising him, like a little dog & mixing with one or two friends at a time.

Now he is much better, but it took a long time to get there.

don't go, I ditched all such groups when ds was the same age as yours and behaving in a similar way (my dd was newborn then too). My mum always reminds me that we spent most of our time playing at home or "helping" her with housework for most of our pre-school years and we've turned out just fine

My DS1 went through a really difficult stage shortly before and after DS2 was born (he was 2.7), and basically went around like a marauding Viking - hitting and pushing other DCs. It was very out of character for him, and basically he was taking out his upset and anger on other people, so I stopped going for a bit.

2 years later, DS2 always played up at these groups - he'd get over excited and push and bit, so we stopped going again.

BTW, Congrats on the baby ! - I think it was you who was in prolonged labour, and also trying to choose names. I wondered how you were .......

This bit is very hard. Go easy on yourself and your DS1

My son was hit by a boy that sounds much like yours, at toddlers on Tuesday. He sobbed loudly, but there didnt appear to be any marks. An hour or so later, a massive purple bruise appeared on his cheek, which is still there now.

I didnt say anything to the mum though, but a couple of others did (but in a much nicer way than you were treated).

Of course it is distressing when your child gets hit (I have been on both side of that equation), but OP, for all those people you feel are judging you - many may just be feeling glad that it's not their child's turn to be mis-behaving. (Of course, others may be feeling smug that their child would never do anything like that - I used to feel like that before DS2 appeared )

I don't think that it is helpful to judge a mum in your situation - especially when they could see you were doing something about it

I sympathise with you - I hope that we have turned the corner of late (DS 2.2, DD 5 months). The first few weeks were a nightmare but it gets better I promise. If I'm honest, I only went if I felt strong enough on the day, roughly, it has worked out that we have attended 1 out of 3 sessions, but lately we go to more than we miss.

Don't let that awful woman put you off - she is not indicative of most mums. Also, don't let your DS put you off - he sounds like most 2 year olds (he certainly sounds like mine). This morning my DS pushed a 13 month old onto the floor, made hime cry, I apologised to the mum who said 'Don't worry' and took my son off to tell him off.

I think the trick is not to put too much pressure on yourself - getting out is important, but if one week toddler group feels a bit much, do something else instead. Or stay in, whatever feels right.

Keep going though, I'm starting to make some great friends at mine and starting to learn that everyone is in the same boat really, all kids experiment with pushing and hitting and not sharing - this is the way it is, it will get better, I promise.

Remember, you're also bubbling with hormones too at the moment and you need to be kind to yourself, not beating yourself up over things. You're doing a great job.

the other mum does have a right to comment if your ds hit her child.but maybe she was tactless.you also have a lot on your plate too.as does ds a wee toddler with a new baby,ds will maybe act out and need reassurance too

however - dont stop going because of one wee misdemeanour.do go back, chin up

not suprised if you find it all overwhelming. can anyone come to group with you?any one to help and listen

< hijack > haven't seen you for a while sm Hello

You are overwhelmed and so is ds. Take a break from the toddler group and have a small group of friends and toddlers to your home and go to theirs. When the weather is good, go out for a walk, to the swings, anywhere. Things are never as bad out of the house, I promise. Ds will enjoy the running about burning off all that toddler energy, even if you're only out for an hour. You might find that the baby sleeps well on the move.

What he would most benefit from now is time with his mum and the baby. A few weeks on, things will be so much better. Everyone here thinks you're doing really well trying to manage getting to toddler group so soon after the new baby, but now is the time to get used to having two and not do things that are obviously so stressful. You won't end up isolated, toddler group is only one day a week, you can see friends another time.

Have a break, they aren't necessary.

Other mum will be in for a nasty shock when it is her sweet angel doing the whacking.

Another one to say just don't go for a bit!

I find them hellish, have never taken my older two but I tried one which happens to be oppsite our house for ds2 the other day and it was so stressful and chaotic.

Lots of people will get a lot out of it but if you are not and you think your ds is overwhelmed then there must be some nicer activities you can do.

He is probably old enough for playgroup soon? Also, the weather is getting better and you can do some outdoor things.

Congrats btw!

And LOL at potato sack analogy

I really don't get this whole not allowing anybody else to tell off my little angel mentality.
Maybe someone else giving your child a bo**ocking is just what he needs.He obviously isn't taking any notice of you and you say the hit was not repeated after this episode.
Maybe the other mum saw you were tied up with the baby and took matters into her own hands so you were not interupted

Parents are doing their children a disservice by not allowing them the rough and tumble play. I just watched a program that discussed the 'Helicopter Parent' and it showed that kids with parents like this end up not being able to even fill in a college application or negotiate wage for a new job. You are doing a fantastic job and that parent was absolutely insensitive to you and your situation. As a mother, she should have understood. I'm only guessing she only has one. Don't let it stop you from going.

Um how does having some little sh*t at playgroup kicking 7 bells out of you , help you fill in college applications and negotiate wages in later life ?