Had the most horrible morning, walked out of mother and toddler group in tears. AIBU to never go back?

[tryingtobemarrypoppins2]

DS 1 is 2years 3months and I have just had another baby now 4 weeks.

Over the last 2 months DS1 has turned from a really lovely, sweeet, funny boy into a bit of a nightmare, particually at toddler group. Not sharing, hitting to get toys back etc. I find this VERY embarrising and so have been like a helicoper hoovering over him all the time but this has got harder as i'm trying to breastfeed my newborn.

I always ask him to say sorry and give a hug which he always does but within 10mins its happened again! We then move to timeout etc.

Today wasn't too bad but I couldn't relax. He hit 3 times different children, the final time the victims mum shouted really loudly at my DS even though I had already got down (with baby on my boob) on my knees to tell my LO off. When I asked DS to say sorry she screamed "I should think so too". Whilst I am not trying to belittle the hit, it wasn't repeaed, didn't leave a mark or anything else. I left in tears.

DS never hits his 'friends' and I think finds the busy enviornment hard but this isn't an excuse. I have been so upset this afternoon as I worry other parents are judging me etc.

AIBU to think of not going anymore. Its soooooooooooooooo hard getting out the door and then I spend all afternoon in tears. Think I am a bit postnatal still as well. DS can be so lovely in a small group.

If I were you I would have a break from groups for a few more weeks, until things have settled down a bit more. When DS was born, I was so adamant that DD's different activities (dancing, M&T, music group) wouldn't be sidelined that I nearly drove myself insane being supermum.

Then I had a word with myself, and battened down the hatches for a few months - and was a lot less stressed as a result. As we head towards summer, I would just let your DS have lots of outdoor play, maybe invite one of his friends round, and chill out on the sofa/in the garden 'supervising'.

(BTW have you considered playgroup - my DD started going when DS was born and it was a LIFESAVER for all of us!).

in an idyllic world where your child is a little angel and never hits another child at a toddler group, yes ofcourse it's a great way for mums to get a chinwag and get out the house and enjoy this time with other adults. But for those who struggle at these groups, where your child is constantly attacking another child and you can't just sit there and chat to the other mums because you are on edge incase your child hits another child for the whole session. How is that beneficial? You end up being in a worse state than when you went into the group. So no, I'd say HVs do talk a load of rubbish at times. These groups are suitable for some mums, but not all.

Lovechoc, I was commenting that on paper M&T group are a good idea, because they might be a very good form of support for a new mother. Certainly they should benefit the mothers first, imho.
As I said earlier I found M&T groups hellish, full of over zealous mothers and really not my cup of tea.

pinkpanettone what an outrageous presumption.online diagnostic guessing is no more reliable than rubbing rocks

maybe reign your indignation in a bit.dont assume every verbal spat is pnd

the "issues" are

another mum told off op child,permissable given her child just been hit

op has a lot on her plate and a new baby.felt attacked and vulnerable

My HV never pressurized me into going to toddlers groups, she certainly suggested them, as I was a foreigner in the UK and didn't have many friends where I lived when ds was a baby. She was very kind in worrying about my well being.

But as I said, I found these groups quite oppressive (and I only went a few times when ds was 9 months, so not in a challenging stage).

Franca I took DS at around that same age too, but as I said too, only went a few times and just felt it wasn't for me. I could sense the bitchiness as I walked in... I do know alot of mums that have never been to these groups, although we must be in the minority!! most mums go on about them like a religion.

thinking back in the haze of the newborn stage, I also took DS to a group recommended also by HV nearby and it was v cliquey. so that also put me right off.

Yes, same here. A few yrs later I started to take dd to some sort of tumble tots etc and it was really good, basically because she loved it (mothers weren't the chattiest on the planet )

it's good that there's now such a variety of things to do for toddlers, not just these toddler groups. structured groups are v popular too as you've mentioned, the tumble tots one.

Know what you mean about HV. I know they mean well, but with DC1 my HV persuaded me to go to baby massage so that we could meet new people. It was horrendous as DD hated it, but I persevered for weeks under the (sleep-addled) belief that if I didn't I would never meet anyone with children, and my DD would grown up lonely and friendless!

(I stopped going , met other people with kids, DD is very outgoing and has lots of friends).

I also cheated and sent mine to nursery (where the staff guarantees an agreeable level of fair play between 2 yrs old )

Baby massage classes sound scary undercovamutha! (ds would have hated it too)

Yes, I started DS1 at a two-morning-a-week playgroup (where you leave them) a few months before DS2 was born (when he was about 2.4). It gave me time with the baby, and DS1 some social interaction.

oh yes, I also did those baby massage classes, but like the toddler group I only went once or twice. I don't think I'm great with these kind of regular activities. I tend to dive in and out of things, rather than be a regular IYKWIM. I only meet up with other mums when it suits me, rather than being committed to set dates or times. I hate to be restricted to meeting people at set times. There will be plenty time for that when DS goes to nursery and then P1!

I do remember a 2 year old hitting my 3 month old baby over the head at toddler group with a plastic spade (I had a 2 year old of mine own at the time too). Seems funny now, but on that occasion I was the one in tears....(as an aside I demonised that boy in my head for a few years afterwards - although funnily enough not wrongly, he was always... as a rising 4 at Pre-School, delivering a sly kick to the younger ones when he thought no adults were looking, and to this day he still likes to jostle the weedy boys in Yr 3!).

The things with toddler groups is that many mums - of very young children - are under their outwardly calm exterior , strung out, sleep deprived, over emotional and a seething mass of baby / small child induced neurosis. So these incidents do tend to blow up - most unfortunately. I am sorry you've been so upset about it .

I don't think it's cricket to tell someone elses child off unless the parent/carer isn't bothering. And tryingtobemarypoppins2 clearly was bothering.

It really surprises me how many of you say you would be 'mortified' or similar if it was your LO doing the hitting. It's just massively irrational.

If you hit a child at M&T, then - yes - you shoul be mortified. (And subsequently arrested, probably).

You can't possibly control your child's behaviour moment-to-moment - they are a separate human being. It's not possible.

The way you respond to the situation (and learn to spot the signs and pre-empt) is within your control. As long as a parent takes this seriously and acts appropriately mortification and blame really have no relevance imo.

Yes, I agree booboo. I wonder if the mortification comes from the pressure of feeling always scrutinized in your parental qualities.

huge sympathises - sounds just like my DD.

sometimes angelic happy to play, share etc

but

other times I wish the ground would open up and swollow me. She screams hits, snatches, cries, I end up having to completely remove her from the situation feeling at once embarassed, helpless and often annoyed at the mums who stare at me, but usually its THEIR child who has hit, snatched, pushed FIRST but mine is way more vocal about it so it her who gets singelled out.

I too have found smaller playgroups are easier, the noiser it gets and often the more play equipment - the worse the behaviour from all the toddlers - and the time to watch out for little incidents is when the mums are distracted with tea/coffee

so if you can get someone to come along with you that might help, and maybe find a smaller group.

congratulations on the new baby, please dont let a few bad sessions at playgroup put you off.

I expect so, but those over-scrutinising are being paranoic and have unrealistic expectations of toddlers.

When your baby is older ttbmp2 I'm sure you'll be able to shrug it off again. Be kind to yourself. It's early days!

Poor lass. I had all this with my older children to varying degrees and as other posters have said, it's fairly typical behavior when a new baby comes on the scene and while we may feel like tearing our hair out and eating our own young on occasion, he needs gentle treatment, understanding and attention - not necessarily all from mum. My youngest DS, now 14 had ALL the attention he needed - from lots of mummies and daddies in the form of his older doting siblings - he was a dream and never - well hardly ever - had a tantrum. This is how it ought to be, it's not him, it's not you, it's having to rear our children, the way we do, in, as you said, isolation which was never the way it was meant to be.
However.....short of having another half dozen, do you have any one who'll take the baby off your hands for a bit so it's just you and 2 yr old (amongst the hoovering, washing, shopping, cooking - yes, I know, easier said than done).

"finds it hard to know what to do in busy social situations" (his key worker has said this).

FGS The child is 2. LOLOLOLOL if it wasn't so mind bogglingly ignorant to believe a 2 yo should know how to manage himself in busy social situations. Where do these idiots do their training?

maryp - I work in a nursery - that behaviour is SOOO normal for a 2 year old. My own DD can be SUCH a nightmare too. But I also work with 4 year olds with EXTREME behaviour problems - which makes your LO's totally normal behaviour pale in comparison. You are being saintly in your postnatal, sleep deprived, bfing a newborn, calm, consistent and concerned approach for your DS and everyone else's DCs. You rock. You resisted screaming back at the other mother (who may or may not have been having some kind of personal nightmare today) well done you. If you enjoy toddler group - go, and try not to worry, if people are judging you it's about their own insecurities, not you. If you don't enjoy it - don't go. Do it for you not for your DS - he'll be fine when you feel fine. big hugs x

and mathanx - I got my training from the NVQ level 3 - I am trying v hard to ignore most of it.. there are statutory idiot boards that you have to refer to - they assume anyone who wants to work in childcare is stupid otherwise they'd have a proper job right? anyway... that's probably for another post...

My DS2 is 2 and goes to preschool in the afternoons. He is a hitter and a stratcher, oh and a pusher When he started preschool he was always hurting another child or 2, I removed him and tried again in Jan. He was doing really well, but still has the odd blimp. I actually felt sick when I pick him up as I don't know if he has 'attacked' another child. I said to the preschool leader that I was going to remove him again, she begged me to keep at it. And I haven't had to sign a form for 2 weeks now.. but he is only 2 and I know that most kids go through this (dd1 did it till she was 4, but she had sereve speech and language delay)

I have cried over some parents reactions to DS2's hitting before, and how they have shouted at me, even though I have told him off and removed him from the situation. Its hard, but a lot of people don't realise what it is like to be the parent of a hitter,biter, pincher etcetc, and how crappy it makes you feel.

Babymutha I have been cringing since posting, hoping I wouldn't offend any key workers some are really good ... so, many thanks for your kindness and lack of flaming.