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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my sister she cannot breing her 8mo baby to our Grandmothers funeral?

332 replies

BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 12:37

She says she can't leave her for 2 days. She's travelling with us and it's too far to do it in a day. She's insistant.
It will cause havoc with travel/sleeping arrangements and will put more pressure on my DM who is finding it all hard enough as it is.

OP posts:
majafa · 19/03/2010 13:48

Its hard - Pulling together and not squabbling - well said Rockbird

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 13:49

Situation is this:

I do not drive. My DP is driving me my sis + 1 other down to my Grandmothers house. Me and sis are staying at my grandmothers, along with others, DP is booking into a B&B as no room for him. My DP will then be driving us all to the chusrch service, then the crematorium then on to the wake and home the next day.

Parents are going up the day before us and back the day after, and staying in a B&B.

Her DP doesn't feel comfortable doing the long drive and they don't have the money for petrol. There is no room in the car and he can't afford accommodation. So he is staying home.

OP posts:
pooka · 19/03/2010 13:49

I also feel quite strongly that now is not the time to allow existing resentment/disagreements/differences interfere with you as a family attending the service. Put all that aside for now.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 13:49

No ThreeBLondeBoys she's not on benefits

OP posts:
lynnexxxo · 19/03/2010 13:50

Surely most cars can fit four adults and a car seat????

Emmmmmaa · 19/03/2010 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paisleyleaf · 19/03/2010 13:50

"I will call her and say that she will need to arrange her own transport (as in her DP will have to find the petrol money and drive them up) and they will have to make their own accommodation arrangements."

Why couldn't she stay where you are? You're risking a family feud. She might feel so sad that she'll not forgive you and that would be a shame for your grandma. As well as more stress on your mum.

Who is the other adult?
Are you in a position to lend her some train fare?

swanandduck · 19/03/2010 13:51

OP
There's a difference between telling your sister that you can't fit her and her baby into your car to travel to the funeral, and telling your sister that she 'cannot bring' her baby to the funeral. I think the title of your thread was a bit off putting and the opening post also made no mention of there being no room in the car. If the issue is simply that there is no room in the car and your parents don't want the hassle of a baby in their car on a stressful journey then there would be no harm explaining this to your sister and letting her take it from there.

upahill · 19/03/2010 13:52

When is the funeral Batty?

ToccataAndFudge · 19/03/2010 13:54

how many people are going in the car?
where are you all sleeping?
has your mum actually SAID to you (or our dad) that she wouldn't be able to cope with the bab being there, and possibly "babysitting" her when she's there.

As tbh - my dad said the EXACT same thing about us taking the DS's to my Grandmothers funeral........when I spoke to my mum about it she actually wanted them to be there, and she was mightily relieved to have some "distraction" on the day as well.

The OP has already made it clear that she thinks her sister relies on her parents too heavily, can't afford to get their herself

The OP is grieving.........but lets not also forget the sister is grieving too.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 13:54

I have posted above to clarify. We could fit 4 adults and car seat, but it would be a very uncomfortable tight squeeze, and once again, it is a 5 and a half hour car journey.

Paisleyleaf - no were not, we're struggling to cover the costs for oursleves as it is, as well as DP loosing 2 days wages.

OP posts:
WombFrootShoot · 19/03/2010 13:54

I guess part of this is how you phrsae it. If you say "You can either come to GM's funeral on your own, or forget it" then that's pretty shit. If however you say "look, I apprecial you don't want to leave DN at home, but honestly, mum is really struggling, she won't be able to help with DN, I'm really upset too, as I know you are, and think maybe this would be a good time for us to support mum; just dad and me and you"

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 13:57

Once again, I would like see where I told everyone to fuck off?

OP posts:
MavisG · 19/03/2010 13:57

OP, sorry for your loss.

I find the idea of leaving my baby, now 14 months, for more than a few hours, even with his wonderful dad, a better parent than me, too awful to contemplate, I just couldn't do it.

I appreciate that it'd be easier if your sister didn't feel this way, but lots of mothers do; I don't think she's doing it to be awkward.

lynnexxxo · 19/03/2010 13:58

I get that two adults and a car seat in the back is a tight squeeze, but surely you and your dp will be in the front (with plenty room). it would really only be your sister and the other adult that will be a little sqaushed.

If the child seat is in the middle its not too bad to be honest.

upahill · 19/03/2010 13:58

Wombfroot..... It won't jsut be Op sister mum and dad though. Batty is taking her DP

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 13:58

Your right WombFrootShoot - thank you. I was too quick to post and didn't think it through so probably have worded my OP wrong, and probably should have posted this somewhere else.

OP posts:
chocolateyumyum · 19/03/2010 13:59

I see where you're coming from OP and don't think you quite deserved the pasting you got. I initially thought you were BU in not wanting your sis to bring her baby to the funeral but reading through the rest of your posts I changed my mind as it wasn't the actual presence of the baby at the funeral that you had a problem with but the added stress to your parents, your sister not taking responsibility for making her own arrangements etc

Really sorry about your grandmother.

Original poster
BattyKoda · 19/03/2010 13:59

upahill - MY DP is taking us - HE is driving us. If he didn't go, no of us would be able to.

OP posts:
lynnexxxo · 19/03/2010 13:59

And wouldn't it be nicer for you to stay with your dp at the b and b. I'd assume that he would have to pay the same amount for the room anyway?

Ewe · 19/03/2010 13:59

Could you not share a room in B&B with your DP so she and baby can have room you were going to sleep in?

If you can afford it and have the money, I would throw some cash at the situation. Book her a room, give her petrol money etc. You're right, you shouldn't HAVE to do this but if it makes everything easier for everyone then it'd be money well spent in my opinion.

WombFrootShoot · 19/03/2010 14:00

I think they're talking about this:

"The rest of you can fuck of with you accusations of 'issues with my sister' TBH I can't see how your getting that from me."

Look, it's all a bit too raw for you. Step away from the thread, take what you need from it and STEP AWAY.

belgo · 19/03/2010 14:00

BattyKoda - see your post of Fri 19-Mar-10 13:16:27 where you say

'Thankk you Orm, you seem to understand.

The rest of you can fuck of with you accusations of 'issues with my sister' TBH I can't see how your getting that from me.'

cluelessnchaos · 19/03/2010 14:00

page 5, 4 posts down

BoysAreLikeDogs · 19/03/2010 14:01

your post of 13:16 is the everyone fuck off post

HTH