to tell my sister she cannot breing her 8mo baby to our Grandmothers funeral?

[BattyKoda]

She says she can't leave her for 2 days. She's travelling with us and it's too far to do it in a day. She's insistant.
It will cause havoc with travel/sleeping arrangements and will put more pressure on my DM who is finding it all hard enough as it is.

I agree with everyone who says to explain things to your sis and leave her to sort it all out.

'but your dh isn't a blood relative, and you sister AND her baby are!

You're being very odd now. Why on earth would your partner take precedence over a blood relative, if money is tight and space short?'

Because my DP is driving us there, paying for the petrol and paying for his own accommodation????

we don't know that's the right thing to do - all we know is that the OP thinks her sister relies too heavily on family for support, we don't know the reasons why.

If my parents (or brother) had rung me and told me what she's going to tell her sister before my grandparents funerals it would have tipped me over the edge. And I would NOT have been able to go.

Thank you scrudd-that was exactly the point I was trying to make...couldn't think of the correct wording for it!

Oh, so sorry, missed your reply to that one. I'm guessing that your sister loved your gm and would like to pay her respects too. And when babies are so small they do rather come as a package with their mum. I think that you should be prioritising your sisters ability to come to this funeral over your dp's attendance tbh.

When grieving anger is horribly, completely normal and the tendency to over-react is really common. But I agree with whoever said that when things are hard, it's really important for families to stick together.

does your sister and her dp not work?

this all seems to be about money

battykoda lots of people have said they wouldn't leave an 8mo baby for 2 days.

i am surprised you can't fit four adults and a baby in your car, maybe put the seat in the front?

My only worry with telling her that is that she will just go straight back to my dad, or even worse, my mum and ask them to sort it for her I felt the only way to deal with this would be to spell it out for her. It's highly unlikely that she and her DP will be able to arrange/pay for their travel/accommodation themselves.

The simplest answer to this in my eyes was to leave the baby at home with dad or not come.

Why don't you borrow his car, and drive yourself? unless you don't have a licence, that is. Or perhaps one of your parents could do the driving?

I'm sure there is a way around this, without having to pay for her to go on a train.

Hire car?

I agree that you don't have to take her if you don't want to - I just don't think you should be the one to tell her at the moment.

you're clearly grieving, angry, and had a whole load of stranger on the t'internet call into question your judgement.

Right this second is not the time to do it.

of course the OP should say that if she is 100% certain that it is pure lazyness etc etc that is affecting her Dsis...

But given the tone of the OP when talking about her I wouldn't like to be the one to assume that there is nothing genuine preventing the sister from doing it all herself.

Ok so what is the alternative toccata? OP is told to mind her own business, it's up to sis to decide what to do about her baby. There is apparently no room in the car etc. So what would yo

Batty......
I hope it works out for you and your family.
I can see it is very upsetting.

Please try to find away to make it as inclusive as you can rather than alienate your sister. I can't comment on your family dynamics because I don't know them but I would hate for resentment if this funeral is mismanaged and lingering damage is done.

I wish you all well at this stressful time.

"It's highly unlikely that she and her DP will be able to arrange/pay for their travel/accommodation themselves."

ahh x posts with you there.

You did!! Unless someone hacked your account, you are the one who came on here hoping that everyone would agree she was being stupid. And when they didn't you told everyone to fuck off.

I know it's hard, DH's grandmother died on new years day this year, one week before DH's sister's wedding. But I really think this is a time for pulling together not squabbling.

so....sister has alot of support from parents,money is tight ...are they on benefits?? and you and dh work and dont get much help and support from your parents...??just wondering as there DOES seem to be more to it and some resentment here....just a guess

Can you copy paste the bot where I said that please rockbird.

batty i think it was a mistake to put this in aibu, you would probably have got a different sort of response in the bereavement topic.

i also think that the thread title is unfortunate - telling someone they can't bring their baby with them is never going to go down well on mn.

agree with all posters who say just point out the facts to sister and leave it up to her.

think it was about other issues somewhere way back batty

Right, so you get your partner to support you, Your mum and dad are there to support each other, Who does your sister have.

With the way you are all acting towards each other it's no bloody wonder she wants her 8 month old daughter with her.

She doesn't want to leave the baby, So butt out.

I am sorry about the loss of your grandma but I really do think you are being VVVU.

The "other" adult in your car should go with your parents or your Dp should stay at home.

I'm guessing your next reply will be "Why should my Dp stay at home?" Well the should your sister who is also grieving for her grandmother be made to stay at home.

I wouldn't like a sister like you that's for sure.

Blimey what a pasting. OP, I personally don't think that you're being that unreasonable.

I too have a sister who has kids, and who expects the family to take up the slack in terms of childcare, transport etc.

ie, bringing her kids to a restaurant then leaving them to run riot and expecting us to restrain them while she enjoys a pleasant drink etc.

I do not think for one minute that your DP should stay away in order to free up more room in 'the car' - assuming in fact that this is your car?

If it was AIBU they won't let me bring my DP to a funeral then we'd see another story on that one.

You just need to stop taking the responsibility here. If there isn't room for a car seat and your sister hasn't addressed this, then she won't be able to go anyway. Has she asked for your help in sorting this out? If not, then there isn't room and she will have to make her own arrangements.

If she's old enough to have a kid she's old enough to take responsibility for both the baby and herself.

Batty - I understand you are trying to protect your parents from further worry but at some point your sister will need to learn to stand on her own two feet more.

You say you have no issues with your sister, so can't you just talk to her about this without there being any issues? You also say that you don't see why it's so hard to leave her DD with her father for a few days but to be fair, YOU might not find it hard, but SHE might. I'm really sorry you're going through all this and I think the best thing to do is to just talk to your sister and explain the whole situation as you see it. She might surprise you with an easy solution.

DS2 is now nearly 7 months. DD is 6and DS1 is 4.

I wouldn't leave any of them for a night at the age of 8 months. Admittedly this is partly because I breastfed/feed. But also because they are still so young. I don't think that your sister should have to leave her 8 month old if she doesn't want to. I also feel quite strongly that as a family member, i.e. blood relative, her need to pay respects would be greater than your dh's. So if were a case of either/or, then she should take precedence, and it is not a question of her making a choice of being with her baby or attending the funeral.

DH looked after ds1 and dd for my grandmother's funeral. They were supposed to be coming to the do afterwards, but dd was ill in the end, so I went on my own. When my great aunt died, dh looked after the older 2 and ds2 came with me. There was never a question of me not attending, and where I go, ds2 goes at the moment. I sat at the back ready to depart if noisy. But in the end he slept.

Maybe helped that my Great Aunt was a midwife and fantastic health visitor, as were many of her friends who were there at the funeral. They were delighted to see ds2 there.

batty....is she on benefits? reason i ask is because i think you can get financial help with attending funerals,crisis loan etc...