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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a Doctor shouldn't be telling a woman with PND that she shouldn't have more children as she clearly can't cope!!!!

146 replies

memoo · 05/03/2010 10:49

I am so cross about this!!!

I have been suffering with PND and Anxiety since the birth of my DD 5 months ago. I have been very ill with it but I'm slowly getting better with help from my GP and a lot of support from DH.

I have just been to the doctors this morning to get my prescription for my Anti-depressants. Had to see a different GP as my usual one wasn't available.

The doctor asked me quite casually if I was planning on having more children in the future. I said that I wasn't and he replied that is was for the best as I "am clearly stuggling to cope with the ones I already have"!!!!

Now I may be depressed but my children are all loved and well looked after. By the time DH gets home from work they are all fed, bathed/shower, homework done etc. I am also managing to keep on top of the housework. Basically I AM coping!!! In fact I think I am coping very well considering that I am also battling mental illness!!

Being mentally ill doesn't mean I am a bad mum, but thats how he made me feel!!!!

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 05/03/2010 19:30

yes, yanbu
If he said you are clearly struggling to cope with the ones you have then that implies a 'parenting deficiency' on your part which is obvious to an outsider. I really doubt that's the case - ask your HV, no doubt she'll reassure you, and hopefully give him a slap.
I seem to be ending a lot of threads like this recently but
IDIOT

StealthPolarBear · 05/03/2010 19:31

And I have two children, I wouldn't have a third as I don't think I could cope. Doesn't mean I am NOT coping with the 2 I have - which is what he implied to you.

Original poster
memoo · 05/03/2010 19:38

Exactly!!!!!

OP posts:
MillyMollyMoo · 05/03/2010 19:42

He's probably trying to be kind in a dinosaur type of way.

lovechoc · 05/03/2010 19:52

GPs need to be straight talking sometimes, no offence or anything, but they do.

I know that I couldn't have had another one after my first straight away, I was knackered and the thought of having sex at that point was just a no-no. It brought me into panic-mode contemplating having another baby who was depend on me all hours of the day for feeding and settling etc. The thought just made me anxious (and that's without PND!!!). So I can see where the GP is coming from.

Your situation was misunderstood by the GP you saw today, because he/she doesn't really know you. But for those who already have PND and decide to have more, how can you be thinking rationally, perhaps this is how the GP views it.

You need to be of sound mind to consider having more children, and being able to cope with the ones you already have is important without bringing more into the world. it's not nice to hear, but it's what's needed sometimes. No one is saying never ever go ahead and have more family, they just mean wait until you are in a good place emotionally. Anyway I've rambled on a bit, digressing as I do...

I know someone that fell pg just as she was diagnosed with PND (her first DC was 14mo) and she now has PND again after second birth, but worse. I think they now take more care with family planning as they don't want any more.

scottishmummy · 05/03/2010 20:25

i agree op.the delivery was tactless,he could have been less blunt.doctors are required to be straight talking but it is a skill to concisely,clearly deliver difficult information and maintain appropriate rapport

shame you felt so upset.
h

lovechoc · 05/03/2010 20:33

some GPs need to be blunt with people, and the 'cruel to be kind' approach helps many people see sense. I had to use the latter just the other day as a relative of mine has been suffering from clinical depression for weeks and weeks now, she saw her GP the following morning after I spoke to her and is now receiving treatment. I'm not a GP but can see how their approach works with people. IMHO They don't want to get people's backs up, but they have a job to do and sometimes that means telling people things they don't want to hear.

StealthPolarBear · 05/03/2010 20:36

but lovechoc, the OP isn't planning more
she didn't ask whether she should have more
he said (out of the blue) "don;t have more as you're not coping with the ones you have"
now unless they were there in shoes with the toes poking out of the end and swigging coke out of dirty bottles, why would he say that?

scottishmummy · 05/03/2010 20:38

yes but the rub is delivering message appropriately without causing pt anxiety to block/deflect the message

if all the pt recalls is that the Dr was rude/brusque rather than the message,then the objective hasnt been achieved

lovechoc · 05/03/2010 20:41

yes I am well aware the poster has no intentions of having more, but the GP was maybe just checking that she definately isn't planning any more in the near future as he/she doesn't want her to jeopordise what progress she has already made recovering from her PND. I don't think the bluntness of the comment was meant to hurt her feelings, I think it was more a case of putting the harsh statement out there to get a response so he/she knew clearly what the situation was in regards to planning any more.

It is very easy to take offence to comments and to twist them around in your mind when you are not well emotionally or physically. Things are easily taken the wrong way and I personally think this is what happened in this situation. I've taken offence to things people have said when they've meant well in the past, but ofcourse when you aren't in the frame of mind to be positive, everything can be twisted around in a negative way.

StealthPolarBear · 05/03/2010 20:49

lovechoc, I know you said the situation was misunderstood, but the rest of your post I thought sounded a bit as if you were lecturing the OP, which I personally would find adds insult to injury after she's just had the same thing from the GP!

lovechoc · 05/03/2010 21:03

nope, I'm not lecturing anyone. I was giving an opinion of what I thought may have happened at the appointment and my own personal perspective on this. Doesn't make it right or wrong, SPB.

I've also stated that I've been in a situation where I've taken offence to what someone has said when I've not been in a great way, yet it was all meant in kindness. It's not like I haven't been in a similar situation myself! I don't have PND, but I've had moments when it seems nothing is going right, just like the next person, and it's hard to take what people say in the way it's intended.

DandyLioness · 05/03/2010 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RedCharityBonney · 05/03/2010 21:07

I'm sure you said he said you were "struggling to cope" not "failing to cope".

thesecondcoming · 05/03/2010 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 05/03/2010 21:52

YANBU.

The only time that should even be brought up is by a consultant in a case like Andrea Yates, where her postpartum psychosis was clearly worsening with each child.

LEMisdiscombobulated · 05/03/2010 21:54

OMFG!! Lovechoc, have you ever had PND? are you a psychologist or doctor? If not, i suggest you wind your neck in luv.

I had severe PND, but i promise you i was and still am, the best mother i could possibly be - i give it 100% and i adore my DD, she is the light of my life, she never wasn't, i coped with her better than most i think. Yeah i had days when being a new mum seemed overwhelming but that had fuck all to do with PND - just being a new mum. I managed to juggle my husbands accounts on a failing business, deal with a teenager struggling with GCSEs and generally being a teenager, a new born baby and write up my PhD thesis, often BFing whilst typing i was up against a tight deadline. Don't you DARE tell me that i wasn't able to COPE!!

OP, your doctor was completely and utterly out of order - absolutely DO complain.

Of course women who have had PND must be aware that it can return with a vengence on a subesquent pregnancy, but usually this is managed really well as steps are taken before things get too bad, medication can be started before it becomes too extreme. As i said, unless you have had a mental illness, been close to someone suffering a mental illness then think very long and hard before you judge their parenting skills.

Dandy, you must be a doctor as well then?

I cannot BELIEVE people think this comment from the doctor was OK.

People should take care with family planning if they have mental illness?

LEMisdiscombobulated · 05/03/2010 21:57

I actually think i am going to EXPLODE! Thesecondcoming, im surprised at you! I am on medication - i am on medication because i have anxiety as a result of undiagnosed PND, i am on medication because without it i am convinced i am going to die, that my children are going to die - NOT because i can't cope with my children - so no, that is NOT struggling to cope. And yes - if your children are loved, happy, provided for - that IS coping! Jesus!

paisleyleaf · 05/03/2010 21:58

thesecondcoming, I would say that's true
and I think the doctor may have said that with a view to coming off the antidepressants

expatinscotland · 05/03/2010 22:04

'trying to not offend anyone here or diss anyone btw so please don't be offended.'

Then try thinking before you post.

thesecondcoming · 05/03/2010 22:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LEMisdiscombobulated · 05/03/2010 22:04

When it all blew up with my PND not once, did my doctor ask how i was coping with DD, not ONCE!! I was of course worried that they would think i wasn't coping and would involve SS so i went to see my doctor - and she was completely reassuring and said that if i said i was coping then i was coping, end of story. Had i not asked about this, she wouldn't have even mentioned my DD. For ME, it wasn't about my DD in that sort of way.

I am aware that mums struggle with bonding sometimes with PND, in fact because i was so totally head over heels in love with my DD i was convinced i didnt have it, because isnt that the cliche, tht if you have PND you can't bond with your child?

expatinscotland · 05/03/2010 22:09

'however without the help you are seeking from your gp would you be coping and if he is the person who writes the prescriptions and knows your background to enable you to cope then surely he is allowed to have an opinion? '

But the point is the patient is getting treatment that is allowing her to cope.

She was not there about family planning options but about the condition, so it is inappropriate and extremely unprofessional to express an opinion like that.

FFS, my GYN didn't even express such an 'opinion' when I went to her to get fitted for a coil in the midst of PND. As a doctor, she did her job and ruled out what forms of contraception she felt were not compatible with my PND.

expatinscotland · 05/03/2010 22:10

Memoo, I would refuse to see this person again and tell my consultant about it.

scottishmummy · 05/03/2010 22:11

paisleyleaf you have absolutely no what the gp motives were and certainly no idea what treatment plan her regular gp will recommend,nor can you speculate how long she will be prescribed AD.so dont speculate

memoo,focus on your achievements to date.dont dwell upon a comment