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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think losing a baby at 22 weeks is potentially as hard as losing a baby at full term?

138 replies

onemissing · 01/03/2010 00:40

Not much more to add really....having been through the former, I'm often confronted with comments alluding to an earlier loss being "easier" than a later or full term one.

Wondering what you lot think, really.

OP posts:
Tortington · 01/03/2010 00:54

i think its a horrible comparison to make and not one helpful to anyone.

who wins the battle of 'my grief is more important than yours'?

the people who say this to you are clearly insensitive, but this isn'ta helpful comparison to make.

i am very very sorry for your loss.

Mumcentreplus · 01/03/2010 00:58

its not about when..its just the loss..it cannot he quantified in weeks or months..so sorry

missslc · 01/03/2010 01:00

It is really hard whenever it is and the thing is people struggle to know what to say- they are trying to be helpful rather than hurtful I think but of course it is just hard and I have no doubt that you must feel grief when a baby is lost at any stage-a very sad experience to have to go through and I am also sorry for your loss. people do not always mean what they say and i think most are uncomfortable- it is very hard knwoing the right thing to say in the face of loss.

nevereatbrownsnow · 01/03/2010 01:00

Thats an awful thing to say.

confuddledDOTcom · 01/03/2010 01:17

No, it's not an awful thing to say! Have any of your been through it?

I lost a mid-T baby too and I constantly hear comparisons that it's not as bad as so-and-so's loss because they went to term or whatever. I've regularly said "I've lost a baby too, doesn't matter how old, it was still my baby!"

My grandmother has lost from every generation now. We've discussed how losing your child at any age is awful. She has the memories and I grieve not having the memories.

Losing your child is hard - end of story.

kissyfurschaos · 01/03/2010 01:30

I feel for you. I lost dd at 22+2 and it nearly killed me. She was my first baby and it was/is awful. further gone than a miscarriage (although not technically) went from having a moving bump to having a baby who although small was fully formed but 12 days too early for a birth/death certificate

Bleatblurt · 01/03/2010 01:35

Oh I fucking hate the pain Olympics some people like to take part in! Why would anyone want to 'win' that anyway?

Sorry for your loss, OP. And sorry you have had such insensitive comments. I've had a 14w loss and a 36w loss so understand all too well.

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 01/03/2010 01:41

perhaps brown snow meant that people saying it;s early etc is better?

i lost two pregnancies because they were ectopic, so really very early, both of them. i remember very clearly that two women, older women, spoke to me of their losing children to still birth. i was saying 'but what happened to me is less bad etc' and both said 'pain is pain'.

did i feel catatonic with grief? yes. did i fear for my sanity? yes. pain is pain. even as i know that what i went through WAS less bad than what they did, i appreciated their kindness and compassion so much.

so what am i saying? i guess that it's quantum, that the two things can simultaneously be true, that i do feel fortunate 'only' to have lost pregnancies but i also feel that i wanted to die with grief so wanting to die is wanting to die.

it's no doubt, though, that only someone who has lost a child (and i'd say at 22 weeks it's a definite child, rather than for me i'd say pregnancy) can really ever understand and people should be very cautious about venturing an opinion. terrible for you, i'm so sorry. peace be with you.

WorzselMummage · 01/03/2010 02:03

I don't know why anyone would even think something like that. It's not a fucking competition is it

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 01/03/2010 02:22

people say crazy things. my aunt had a hysterectomy at the age of twenty one and a friend of the family came into the hospital and said 'well at least you weren't married', as if that would comfort her. people's gums flap more than their brains work.

WorzselMummage · 01/03/2010 02:28

Bloody hell what an awful thing to say

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 01/03/2010 02:30

i know. nuts, eh? apparently my aunt summoned all her strength and sent her packing from the room.

WorzselMummage · 01/03/2010 02:34

I think I'd have summoned all my strength for something else !

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 01/03/2010 02:38

remember she had a lot of stitches to consider...

BitOfFun · 01/03/2010 02:46

I think I would ask for this to be moved to Bereavement. It doesn't really feel like a topic for argy- bargy.

Ispy · 01/03/2010 03:34

Condolences to you on on your loss. You lost your baby. That's as far as any comparison should go, in other words, there is nothing to compare.
Hope you are ok.

carrierchc · 01/03/2010 03:38

poor you.am so so sorry for you.of course it is as hard,and of course you're not being competitive,you just want understanding and recognition that you have lost a precious child....I hope time is helping to heal your pain a little,my thoughts are with you.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 01/03/2010 07:15

God people are stupid. Who would dare say that to you?
Having experienced MC and full term pg (DS) I have my private opinions about it all but what on earth makes people think it is a comforting thing to say to someone who has lost a child? For fuck sake. Who said this to you?

And confuddled.com - I think you have misunderstood nevereatbrownsnow.

travellingwilbury · 01/03/2010 07:25

one missing , how are you doing this morning ?

People say stupid things wether you mc at 5 wks or lose a grown up child , some people will find a way to say the stupidiest things . That is about them and nothing to do with you and what you are going through .

If you want someone to talk to then please come over to the Bereaved mums thread , you will be warmly welcomed .

mummygirl · 01/03/2010 07:27

can't quantify pain.

So sorry for your loss, be strong. I hope you have support?

JaneS · 01/03/2010 08:15

That is a terrible thing to say. I'm so sorry for your loss.

DuelingFanjo · 01/03/2010 08:18

XTerrible. The thing I really hated hearing when I lost my baby at 10 weeks was 'well at least you know you can get poregnant' which is up there with 'At least you're still young'.

awful. Some people just don't think and I hate competitive sadding so much!

kreecherlivesupstairs · 01/03/2010 08:22

YADNBU. I had a 22 week pregnancy loss. My little boy who was very much wanted is still remembered. The worst thing someone said to me was that I'd said I would prefer a girl to a boy so the next time should be OK.
Like dueling said, competitive sadding is shit.

flowerybeanbag · 01/03/2010 08:31

YANBU. I have lost babies at 7 weeks and 22 weeks and did find the 7 week one 'easier' if that's the right word, in terms of not as much connection with the baby, not having grown, felt movement, seen scans etc.

I did think at the time of the 22 week one that if I was feeling this bad how horrendous must it be to get all the way to the end and then lose the baby. But I don't know it's 'worse', and actually it's irrelevant and an incredibly hurtful thing to say anyway. How you feel is very personal and devastating and any 'at least' comments are awful and insensitive.

YanknCock · 01/03/2010 08:43

'How you feel is very personal and devastating and any 'at least' comments are awful and insensitive.'

Spot on, flowerybeanbag. I got lots of 'at least' comments with my early MC, none of it is comforting/helpful.

onemissing, am so sorry and sad for your loss.