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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my dh being unreasonable to not one to serve a b/feeding mother at the counter???

502 replies

twotimes · 26/02/2010 10:02

Twas talking to the dh this morning when he brought up an incident that happened in work the other day. He was working in a a well known mobile phone shop behind the counter when a woman came in with her daughter and her three kids. Both the women were at the counter discussing mobile options with dh whilst two of the children were running around the shop. All of a sudden mid conversation dh turned to get a phone and when he had turned back the daughter had whopped them out and started b/feeding. And he hasten's to add - with absolutely no modesty, just in her full glory. I should note, the baby was *not8 crying or making a sound before hand. Was he being unreasonable to be mortified??????

Now this isn't completely serious, he wasn't rude, he just carried on serving but felt the need to tell me about it later. He isn't a prude, I b/fed both dc's and all his family b/feed that isn't the issue. What he keeps going on about, is that "she didn't even cover".

At first I just pissed my self laughing (I could literally imagine his face) but then I thought seriously, people should be able to b/feed but at a counter in a shop, with no discretion?

OP posts:
DreamsInBinary · 26/02/2010 23:24

I am in almost complete agreement with Display...

We should be pleased we are all BFing not accusing one group of letting the side down by being too overt about it.

independiente · 26/02/2010 23:26

Ps: obviously living your life bare breasted does involve a happy amount of sunshine! Not advocating doing that in this country! Brrr.

displayuntilbestbefore · 26/02/2010 23:27

independiente

ronshar · 26/02/2010 23:33

Too cold to show my ankles let alone my breasts. Although they are heading that way

verylittlecarrot · 26/02/2010 23:40

someone help me out here...

where was the criticism of discreet breastfeeders on this thread? I've missed it but display seems adamant that she needs to defend herself against some sort of anti-discreet stance. I just can't work out who she feels is attacking her way of feeding.

I've only noticed negativity towards "not discreet enough".

runnybottom · 26/02/2010 23:45

"Why are those of us who are uncomfortable with other people looking at our breasts while feeding such a let down to the whole BF world"

Er, what? Read the thread, you're not the ones being judged. In this case its some breastfeeders kicking other breastfeeders for not being discreet enough and giving them all a bad name.

Display et al seem to think that if I don't really get bothered about people seeing a bit of my boob I'm some sort of militant breastapo with no concern for anyones feelings.

Wrong again. You feed, or don't, I will or not, but how about you stop telling me how to do it since I don't give a shite how you do?

Fair enough? I suspect not though.

MillyR · 27/02/2010 00:13

I have breastfed in loads of places, and I don't know if I was discreet or not. I have breastfed in the time machine at the Jorvik Viking centre. I don't know if people noticed or not, or if they looked approving or disapproving.

Breasts are sexual to some people. Some people see an exposed breast as sexual. There is nothing wrong with that. But people who see an exposed breast that a baby is about to feed from, and still see that breast as sexual, well that is their issue. And a very disturbing issue it is too.

But I am not going to get involved in their issues. I am not going to make my life more difficult by attempting to accommodate their issues.

As for people who drape themselves in pashminas. Maybe they are doing it because they don't want people to stare at them, or maybe they are feeling cold, or maybe they want to flaunt their expensive pashmina. It is none of my business.

It is similar to issues such as gay rights. Some people want to be openly gay for political and social reasons, some people want to be openly gay for their own happiness and convenience, and some people don't want to tell their work colleagues/random man in the pub that they are gay. There is nothing wrong with a person making any of those choices. There is something wrong with a society that has made these things problematic.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 27/02/2010 00:21

I think I have only seen women bf maybe twice in my life. Either I'm really unobservant or most people are like bf-ninjas and hide the kid up their jumper or something. I think I will probably express into bottles.

runnybottom · 27/02/2010 00:30

You just don't notice Brahms, most don't. I once sat across a table from my MIL in a bar and she said, is he not hungry, you haven't fed him for hours. I was , I had just finished feeding him a few mins earlier, while talking to her! Now granted she'd had a fair bit of wine but still, I'm no bf ninja. I thought you were cuddling him says she!

LeninGrad · 27/02/2010 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tittybangbang · 27/02/2010 09:06

I am wondering how many of you who advocate the exposed feeding approach sunbathe topless?

Is it ok to bare your breasts because you want to get an even suntan?

"Why are those of us who are uncomfortable with other people looking at our breasts while feeding such a let down to the whole BF world."

I dont understand why women have to kick the crap out of each other for the choices we make every day."

Offs!

Nobody is slagging off anyone who chooses to feed discretely.

The point I was making is that going on and on about the importance of discretion is undermining to breastfeeding mothers, and the fact that most adult women have never clearly seen a baby latched on at the breast before they have their own babies damages their chances of successful breastfeeding.

And your comment about the mother who was thrown off the bus......

Nasty.

porcamiseria · 27/02/2010 09:23

Oh dear, who'd have though this would turn into a BF vs BF thread, unheard of!!!!

admittedly somne of my comments earlier came acorss badly, type in annoyance, repent at leisure eh....Titty took me up on my wording, and I responded

but FWIW I dont see anyone here saying BF should be invisible. what I was trying to say is it can be done without exposing the WHOLE breast for the WHOLE feed al la OP thread lady.

Last night I smiled broadly and encouragingly at a lady I saw BF in a public lobby

TBH I was so shy and embarassed about it, I have sneaking admiration for people that can wop em outn and do it unabashed. I am not one of those ppl.

I feel very upset if my rashly typed comments offended anyone anyway

tittybangbang · 27/02/2010 09:27

"However provided people don't actively dicriminate against ladies who breast feed, the bloke in the car phone warehouse has every right to go home and tell his missus that someone breastfed at his till point that day and he thought it was a bit off. It doesnt make him some sort of prudish breastfeeding Nazi. Its just his opinion innit"

In the past many people were seriously discomfited by seeing people from different racial backgrounds holding hands and kissing. (some still are). Perfectly understandable in some ways - years ago people were unfamiliar with bi-racial relationships, and there was so much racism generally it was bound to impact on the way people felt about them.

I think there's a parallel with what we're talking about on this thread. Like bi-racial relationships used to be, open, unselfconscious breastfeeding is rare in the UK and people are discomforted by seeing it. This sense of unease is rooted in a generalised ignorance and unfamiliarity with breastfeeding. People's attitudes towards seeing a baby at the breast are also distorted by our culture's highly sexualised preoccupation with this part of women's bodies - particularly our insistence that if breasts are on display they have to be pert and youthful or they'll generate feelings of disgust and contempt (as evidenced by some of the language on this thread).

So, yes - understandable that the OP's DH had these feelings, but no justification for the argument that the mother shouldn't have fed her baby in that situation.

We shouldn't feel the need to pander to unreasonable opinions which are rooted in ignorance. Unless we want to perpetuate that ignorance.

LeninGrad · 27/02/2010 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bumperlicious · 27/02/2010 09:51

Just read the first half of this thread (it's very long). I am completely shocked at abetadad's comment 'However, I do think that sitting discretely in a corner turned away from other customers or with a scarf or shawl over their shoulder is the way to do it.'

The problem on this thread is like abetadad people are taking something that is really normal that they are uncomfortable with then giving a really rare occurrence of an extreme of this behaviour to prove a point.

I must admit I would probably been a bit uncomfortable with the dungarees woman, but doesn't mean I agree with his previous statement either.

Another thing pissing me off as I read this is the comments of 'well I managed to feed discreetly so I don't see why other people can't'. Well, bully for you, but it isn't always that easy, and yes the anxiety that you might flash a bit of nipple makes it all so much harder as the baby can tell you are flustered.

Despite what many people think most breastfeeders aren't doing it to make a point to you, they probably have a lot of other things on their mind and are doing it to make their life easier.

That said, OP, your DH can't help being a bit shocked so that isn't unreasonable, what is unreasonable is to start making judgements and assumptions about it.

givecarrotsachance · 27/02/2010 09:56

"BF-ing might be natural, normal and a completely accepted part of life in African families, but women do not whop'em out in the bank."

Actually, they do exactly that. I recall being in Mozambique and seeing a lady chatting to a group of 3-4 men, baby in sling on her back. Baby started to grumble so she just swung the sling round, pulled her breast right out and gave it to the baby without the men or anyone else batting an eyelid.

That's the way that it is, culturally. That's one reason why BF rates are so strong, because it's totally normalised and accepted - a good job given Nestle's attempts to undermine it, and the fact that formula is often a death sentence in many parts of Africa - and not BF clearly means that the population of Africa would somewhat reduce, fast, unlike here where there are more options. People DO learn from what they see, as tbb claims, because it's going on all the time, in the house, out and about - not just the odd time you may spot someone in the corner of a cafe (oohh let me take a closer look so I can learn).

We're SO far behind that here it's just not funny - and actually people "whopping 'em out" is not going to change that, and given the cultural unnacceptance of breasts here, that's just the way it is.

However, many of you lot should be ashamed of yourselves, BF against BF. I don't for one cotton picking minute think that this lady in the OP "whopped 'em out". I think that the "DH" in question perhaps saw a flash of nipple and most of a breast. Well, as many have pointed out, this is often the only possible way to latch a baby, especially for the bigger-breasted woman - but also for the smaller one, too.

The "DH" was dealing with the Grandmother, therefore it was not rude for the mother to do something else at the same time.

The fact that the baby was not crying is irrelevant. Many babies won't latch easily when they get so hungry that they start to cry. When the "DH" becomes a BF expert, perhaps he could decide better than the mother the best time to get her baby latched, but until then, he has no right to judge whether it was necessary or not.

I'm not advocating discreet or non-discreet BF. Personally, I don't care what choices people make - I'm fully supportive of all. If the "DH" was shocked, that was his problem, not the mother's and certainly not the baby's. All I say is, good on her for managing to BF her baby and making the healthiest choice for the both of them. And OP, you and your DH should be ashamed that his prejudice is being shared in a way that undermines the confidence of other women to make their own choices - although you should be proud of him for hiding his discomfort. That was admirable.

LeninGrad · 27/02/2010 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

runnybottom · 27/02/2010 10:06

I'm going to a lunch party today and was trying to think of what to wear. Most of my nice (inasmuch as I have any nice) clothes are not very BF friendly and I struggle to find something I can be as invisible discreet in.
Now I'm nodding wildly in agreement with tittybang et al and considering wearing a dress where I'd have to "wop" at least one big boob out the v neck in its full glory!

What do you reckon, will I do it?

StealthPolarBear · 27/02/2010 10:14

yes displayuntilbestbefore a baby can wait - obviously if it's in a car seat there's not a lot of choice. But it will scream. And baby's screaming tend to get tuts, looks, remarks, generally frowned upon. Just goes to show that as a mother your place is in the wrong, whatever choice you make - even according to other mothers who you'd think would be supportive. Nice.

bedlambeast · 27/02/2010 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

StealthPolarBear · 27/02/2010 10:20

runnybottom, yes, do that, and take paper bags for anyone who doesn't want to look.
I find it amazing that so many of the "I choose to be discreet" people accept it's their choice and yet can't accept that other people either can't or don't obsess about feeding discreetly.
Can I ask, what do you think a woman should do if she can't feed discreetly? Should she avoid feeding in public at all.
I bet no one answers that!
And no I don't sunbathe topless (well quite apart from the fact I don't sunbath) wtf has that got to do with how I feed my children?

GhoulsAreLoud · 27/02/2010 10:30

Display your stance is ridiculous - no one has attacked people who feed discreetly, I always fed discreetly and even left the room to feed when around my PIL.

That was my choice, driven by my feelings on my body and my relationship with PIL.

The lady in the OP chose to feed her baby whilst standing at the counter in the carphone warehouse - that was her choice and I support her choice as much as I would defend my own.

tittybangbang · 27/02/2010 10:53

runnybottom - every time I see your user name I snigger.

runnybottom · 27/02/2010 10:56

back at you tittybangbang!

ABetaDad · 27/02/2010 11:21

I am sorry I offended some people with my earlier comment. I just noticed that I had faced very simlar circumstances to that the OP had written about her DH. Hence, I thought it was worth relating the story.

runnybottom - you should wear what you like to lunch. However, I do not think that I am the only person on ths thread who would be momentarily surprised if you suddenly pulled up your top without a word at the lunch table fully exposing your chest only to then pick up your baby to start feeding. I know you are not going to do that but that is effectivley what the women I visited did to me. I was happy for her to sit in front of me feeding her baby and she did so. I am sure no one will mind if you feed your baby at the table today. I just think in life a bit of thought for others in return for their consideration to you is the basis for civilised society.

I am disturbed by the story of the woman being thrown off the bus for breast feeding. I stil do not understand it even having read the story about it.

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