to think that, allergies/moral convictions aside, it's only polite to eat what's cooked for you?

[JaneS]

Disclaimer: This is a thread about a thread ('Is my DH a fussy eater'), but it's not intended in any way as an attack on the OP there, or anyone else. I just found myself wondering something I've often thought before.

What I'm wondering is, when should you accommodate people's food preferences, and when do you give up? I'm incredibly greedy, so the list of things I won't eat is tiny (very hot chilli is what comes to mind). I'm fine cooking for DP, whose religion means he mustn't eat meat for 1/3 of the year, and must have a vegan diet for around six weeks every year. And I do accept that if you have a bad reaction to some foods, or consider it morally wrong to eat them, then that's non-negotiable.

But I really find it amazing the number of people there are who seem to be perfectly normal adults, yet who think it's quite ok to provide a long list of likes and dislikes to whoever is catering for them. Not because they can't eat the food in question, but because they don't care for it. Is this really ok? At what point should you just accept that Dish A isn't your choice, and eat it anyway?

If I was a practicing Jew visiting a non-Jewish house, I would probably say that I was vegetarian, simply to avoid the complex issues of not eating pork/shellfish/foods cooked in certain ways/etc. But as I am a relaxed Jew married to a non-Jew, it seems to me hypocritical to insist that my MIL treats me as a religious Jew.

Dh and my compromise is that at home we don't eat certain foods (and I don't cook in certain ways), but that outside the home we are all free to make our own choices.

Exactly, helen.

I don't understand the opposite attitude to this, along the lines of, 'I'm not a child, I don't have to do things I don't want to'.

We don't tell children to do certain things because we're on some sort of power kick - we tell them to just get on and do it because either we know better, or we're instilling good manners, which are meant to last into adulthood.

This seems to go completely over some people's heads.

I will eat anything and am available for dinner invitations any night

A colleague of mine showed huge dedication when atending a Rotary dinner. We both worked for a charity, and the local Rotary were considering making us their charity of the year. In the area we worked, the Rotary was full of retired gents, largely ex-military. The meal was beef casserole, with huge hunks of meat. My colleague had not eaten red meat for 15 years as she loathed it but finished her meal without a flinch. I am impressed to this day that she managed it!

Haha Sarf, I know what you mean...I'm ALWAYS free...loser!!

YANBU OP. I can't understand this degree of fussiness in an adult guest. I would definitely feel irritated if I asked a guest whether there was anything they couldn't eat and they gave me a list of ten dislikes or said 'I don't eat vegetables' or similar.

OP - no it is not OK, it is extremely rude. I have a nut allergic child who is also a fussy eater at home. They are repeatedly told by us that when a guest in someone else's home they must eat anything presented to them that does not contain nuts. If they can't do that they shouldn't accept the invitation. They are also required by me to telephone their hostess and make it clear that they really cannot eat anything with a nut trace.

I am amazed by how many people accept an invitation, don't advise you of any dietary requirement and then expect you to produce food to meet their fads. I would never serve offal to guests because many people dislike it and I will happily cater for food intolerances if told in advance. Foods dislikes are a different matter. I would offer something like cheese and biscuits or fruit but I wouldn't expect to cook another meal and if they made a fuss they wouldn't be invited back. Can't stand rudeness.

As I get older, I think I get a lot more sympathetic to other people's likes and dislikes. Some foods really disagree with me - it is not beyond the realms of my imagination to think that other people have the same issue, albeit with different foodstuffs.

I never expect anyone to eat the food I provide (though they mostly do), I try to make fairly generic food when I have people over, and I offer several courses/a choice.

Once I turned 60 I vowed that I would never again force myself to try to eat food I truly detest.It gets embarrassing nipping to the loo with your mouth full because you really cant stomach something.I hate coconut,courgettes,cucumber,mussels,scallops,any sort of gristly meat or bony fish.I can usually avoid such things and all my friends know my fads.

YANBU to an extent
I am veggie but detest certain vegetables. Aubergine makes me gag as do large pieces of onion. Also can't stand the taste of raw onion. I was once served a plate of pasta with onion and leeks in cream sauce as the veggie alternative a friend had kindly made. She offered me pasta and it didn't occur to me she would do an onion based sauce! I ate as much of the onion I could manage in 3 large mouthfuls very quickly then ate the pasta and left the rest, hoping it was not too obvious. I would never have told her I didn't like it.
Likewise I would never dream of specifying 'no onions' when invited somewhere, unless they asked, and even then would make sure that they understood it's only when the dish is almost wholly onion that I can't stand.
At home, I pick out the onion, but would also never do that unless it was a family member who had cooked!

ScreaminEagle, I wouldn't serve up what the hell I liked either. But if you are catering for more several people, choices become increasingly limited. I am a good cook, I enjoy it and I like to give people what they'd like to eat. I've cooked 3 separate 3 course meals in a shared student kitchen before and that's ok, but at some point you do get a bit fed up. As I posted earlier, one of the things I'm trying to do atm is co-ordinate meals for around 70 people, which is made extremely difficult when to all the legit allergies and so on are added silly quibbles like 'ooh, can you make it all organic for me'?

If you ask people if they have "preferences" then you can't blame them for saying what they are. But if you ask whether they have any allergies or are vegetarian, then they shouldn't reply with things that are simply preferences.

But some of the posts are just tases Screaming, and some of the ways it is put across is just rude. I stand by my opinion that the person in question in my earlier post was rude, or at least ill-mannered. I would never intentionally serve up something I thought would be contentious, and always try to think of something everyone will enjoy. (On the whole I know my friends' can/can nots.) I had just never heard of this whole sending round a menu thing or taking requests, but maybe that's me being old-fashioned/behind the times.

I'm on the fence about this one. I was a very fussy eater as a child and it was embarrassing and anxiety inducing going to other people's houses.

I am much better now, not so fussy, but also more inclined to force down food I don't particularly like (mushrooms, sweetcorn, pulses), but there are some things that really make me retch (mayonaise, cream, rice pudding, creamy related things - though bizarrely not ice-cream , coffee flavoured puddings).

DH is pretty fussy, mostly about veg, there are some veg he will will eat under duress at home, peppers (once I got bored of picking them out), spinach, sweet potato. But some he refuses to eat, and as he says why should he be forced to eat food he doesn't like in his own home. That said, when we go out to friends he would pretty much eat what is put in front of him, more likely than me actually, as stuff I don't like I really don't like.

I think if friends come with an expectation of special treatment that is rude. If I hadn't been asked before hand but really didn't like something I would say I didn't but not make a big deal.

"I was bought up to believe it was polite to cater to your guests, not to serve up whatever the hell you like and then get pissy because no-one wants to/can eat it"

It's a cultural thing I suppose.

You're either bought up to be grateful for what you're given (like my parents - true children of rationing), or you grow up with a sense of entitlement that everyone should adapt to your idiosyncracies over food.

Personally I think if someone invites you into their home and offers to share their meal with you it's pretty repulsive to reject their hospitality out of fussiness.

And if you are that fussy that you're actually quite difficult to cater for you shouldn't accept dinner invitations.

MrsC- the person you mentioned was definitely rude!
standanddeliver-I agree! Fussiness is understandable in a small child but not in an adult- it comes across as rude!

I completely respect everyone's right to have as many attention seeking food fads as they like. Be a non-red meat eater, a vegetable hater, a sauce avoider, or whatever you like. But when I am inviting people over for dinner I tend to invite people who love food and apreciate my cooking because I find those people more relaxing, rewarding and enjoyable company.

Haven't read all of the thread... but I have a theory about food preferences and sex drive....

I've noticed that there seems to be a strong correlation between a willingness to eat a wide variety of food and a healthy appetite.... and a healthy and adventurous appetite in bed....

My "research" has been entirely restricted to men under the age of thirty-five however, so I am in now infering anything negative about any of the self-confessed "fussy" eaters on here...[grin}

Just a theory...... although I'll eat anything

*no way infering

sorry, must preview posts

YANBU. It is always a nightmare having DH's BF and his DW over for dinner. DH is very allergic to fruit so it all has to be cooked carefully in a certain way - fine. BF can't (wont't) eat fish or shellfish - again manageable. His DW is vegan but won't eat anything with olives/ meat substitutes such as tofu, potatoes or 'funny foreign food' eg stir fry or curry.

On the other hand, apparently turkey and coleslaw is fine as thats what she helped herself to from the fridge because she 'couldn't' eat the meal. It is a huge and guilty relief that it is usually BF only...

I think it's possible on both sides to make a mountain out of a molehill here. The way I see it, you can eat what you want every day at home by yourself. When I have guests, their preferences are my priority and I tend to quickly run my dinner ideas past them in advance just in case. When I am a guest myself, I eat as much as I can reasonably stomach but would never try and force down something that I find revolting, because I would absolutely cringe if I thought anyone was doing that for my sake; and nor would I say anything to the host once it was too late, because like I say, I can eat whatever I want to my heart's content any other day of the week. I guess it's just not something that I feel strongly about either way. To me, if I invite someone to dinner, then I invite whatever fussy idiosyncrasies they have within reason. It's not like I'm their kindly benefactor saving them from starvation. But I don't expect others to cater to my every whim - just that they don't then sulk if I leave a few bites or don't try one of several foods on offer. I can't remember a time when the host hasn't asked me about my preferences, though.

Hehe, I'm sure I'm not really as good a hostess or guest as I seem to have made muself sound!

I'll always ask a general 'is there anything you don't eat' as a courtesy when having people round. This way I can plan what to cook around what I'm told. I haven't come across running the menu past people before.