to think that, allergies/moral convictions aside, it's only polite to eat what's cooked for you?

[JaneS]

Disclaimer: This is a thread about a thread ('Is my DH a fussy eater'), but it's not intended in any way as an attack on the OP there, or anyone else. I just found myself wondering something I've often thought before.

What I'm wondering is, when should you accommodate people's food preferences, and when do you give up? I'm incredibly greedy, so the list of things I won't eat is tiny (very hot chilli is what comes to mind). I'm fine cooking for DP, whose religion means he mustn't eat meat for 1/3 of the year, and must have a vegan diet for around six weeks every year. And I do accept that if you have a bad reaction to some foods, or consider it morally wrong to eat them, then that's non-negotiable.

But I really find it amazing the number of people there are who seem to be perfectly normal adults, yet who think it's quite ok to provide a long list of likes and dislikes to whoever is catering for them. Not because they can't eat the food in question, but because they don't care for it. Is this really ok? At what point should you just accept that Dish A isn't your choice, and eat it anyway?

I'm irrationally terrified of fish with the heads on, but I'd still eat it if it were served.

Otherwise, I am completely non-fussy. My XMIL loved me because I'd eat anything put in front of me, where for her family she was practically cooking 3 separate meals to accommodate their fussiness.

Jeez, I can't stand fish yet several times I've been served salmon, my least favourite of fish, and eaten it politely. Sometimes I've made a joke afterwards as a testament to the host's culinary skills about how it isn't my favourite of foods but I've really enjoyed it anyway!

Also I cannot stand peas, really the taste does make me want to gag but I have twice been served them, once as a soup and once in a risotto and both times I've 'manfully' soldiered on with them, even tried to make myself enjoy them.

Allergies aside, I'm sorry but I think you have to open your mind a bit. And grow up and be polite basically. And yes, I am incredibly fussy about what I put in my mouth - I heave at the slightest of things. As a hostess I expect people to notify me of allergies beforehand but really I would expect people to do their best and appreciate all the hard work I've put into my coking.

coking? Strictly for after dinner only!

Just thinking about that makes me shudder Britfish.

Some people have been indulged with food, and have never grown out of it, and they are rude.

Ugh, I still haven't forgiven my BF over the Maccas incident before Christmas. I think I'm probably being pathetic but I can't get past it.

Who on earth hates McDonalds so much they can't go to please an 8yr old, but can go to Burger King and love it?

Or who wont have carrots on their plate because they don't like them (when DD has a couple of sprouts which she dislikes, and I only cook because he likes them).

Or, who said he'd never go to Yo Sushi with me, even when I explained you can order non fish (he ate fish once and was sick, so apparently now is allergic), dishes, even vegetarian, or meat dishes, that have never been near a fucking fish!

Clearly I feel strongly about this.

I've shoved many a prawn down my sleeve/on the floor/in the napkin

I have to say I am in the camp of thinking that what is put in front of you you eat.
That was how I was brought up. Here is you dinner, eat it. So I did and still do. Grateful to be given any food.
You know about the african babies who get nothing don't you that was the line I was given all my life.

We were out for a meal at New Year, 2 years back. Sis brought along her new BF.
There were 10 adults and my DD.
Dad ordered one of those meal things that had about 8 dishes.
BF didn't like any one of them.
Sis made such a fuss, asking DH to try each dish and to give her BF a run down of what each tasted like!
WTF!!
She is marrying the man. I dread to think of their childrens fussyness. Apparently his mother woudl make four different dishes n any given night in order to keep her 3 sons and DH happy.
Again WTF!!

Soory, but eat what you are given and be grateful!
Correction, he should eat what he is given and be grateful, not fussed over and rewarded for bad behaviour.

mugglewump:
seriously. i wouldnt forgive him. what a twat. burger king is WORSE than maccies, atleast macdonalds chips have been in the same room as a potato!

Oh and there was the Jimmy Chung's pancake incident.

Yes Coldhands I did mention it it to them...I emailed both the ladies and said that I was planning on doing 2 lasagnes, hoped that was ok...they both said 'yummy', so all systems go. But apparently not. Even then, the email was a courtesy to the veggie, it wouldn't have even crossed my mind to check what normal adults would eat, if they had allergies etc I presumed they would let me know. (The difficult one's other half doesn't get on with gluten for example, so I used wholemeal pasta etc which she is fine with.) I will still admit to being amazed, I was brought up going to dinner parties etc as children and even when young the hosts would never contact the guests to see what they would and wouldn't eat, we just ate what was put in front of us or shuffled it around and ate the bits we liked. I would do the same as an adult.

In his position I wouldn't have said anything. I just think that's polite, he could have eaten the mince bit and avoided the pasta, eaten the potatoes and garlic bread but to put a hostess in that position, delay everyone's dinner etc is rude in my book and I'm sorry if that is at odds with anyone else's 'tolerant' attitude.

Suffice to say next time we see them I shall just suggest we go to the Toby Carvery or similar!

"Personally, I hate eating shellfish. Not an allergy but an aversion to the taste/texture. There's no way I would touch them."

This is the kind of thing I don't understand. Saying you hate ALL shellfish is like saying you hate all vegetables. There are so many different tastes and textures. Crab is nothing like an oyster. A brown shrimp isn't remotely like a cockle, or a lobster, or sea urchin. None of them is like a scallop.

I'm not having a go, I really don't understand this.

I couldn't really give a shite about which burger place is better than the other (though Maccas clearly is the better one, particularly the nuggets with sweet and sour sauce, you need to order 16 and then eat them all to yourself like me someone I know does), it was being such a knob child and not going to Maccas, because he doesn't like it, even though DD had said she wanted to go.

We went to BK, and DD was fine, but that's because she's been brought up to eat anything, unless she will vomit or die, and even if she was fussy, and she certainly has dislikes which could come across as being fussy, I expect good manners.

I hate all shellfish too, it's all grim.

Oyster is the only one I've managed and that's because I was drunk and just downed it like it was a shot

muggglewump, don't think you're being pathetic at all. The reason this is niggling at you is because it says a lot about your BF's character that he puts his own bizarre needs over your child's.

twinkling, that's exactly the type of behaviour I'm trying to avoid (preparing of separate meals). DH is not allowed to be fussy at all. If I'm cooking, he eats it. Just last week he came in, saw the recipe out and started bitching that he didn't like tuna. He got a huge earful about my intolerence of pickiness and how he WILL be setting a good example of non-fussy eating for our DS. And he ate the tuna/rice casserole. And liked it.

I hate all shellfish too. It's just fishy bleurgh (I find it too rich - I have tried it, a lot of it actually makes me throw up (like prawns) which makes me think it might be more than a dislike). Either way, bleurgh.

I'm not the biggest fan of fish, but I HATED it as a child. I remember year upon year we would go to my auntie's after Christmas for a catch-up and we always had salmon something for lunch...bleugh. I would eat a few mouthfuls then shuffle it politely round my plate whilst filling up on everything else.

Same with brocolli and stilton soup, big no no. I have been served it many times though, and will have what I can.

I don't ever remember going to someone's house for dinner and knowing what we were going to be served...meaning we were never asked what we wouldn't eat. When did this start? I worry now I've missed out on some giant etiquette, but I had always thought that part of the fun of dinner parties was seeing what the hostess was going to serve...and then the 'oohs' and 'aaahs' when it was brought out.

I guess I was just a bit disappointed as we had spent pretty much all day cooking, the veggie lasagne especially was a work of art (the DH did it), parmesan spinach balls and everything. I thought we had every base covered! DH was particularly peturbed as he is a great cook, and really hadn't wanted to serve something as 'bland' and boring as lasagne at a dinner party, but we had decided to precisely because it is so dull and all pleasing!

I very much doubt that my sis will be as intolerant.
Mind you he does all the cooking so always gets what he wants, though, if that is not what she wants, they will make seperate meals for themselves!
Crazy!

Just wasn't a great first impression for BF to make to us all. My parents, my PIL and my grandad all there to see him make a fuss and then order himself something else.
I think he still complained about that, he may even have sent it back!

He is one of those does not like to mix food type.
By that, he will not have fruit with meat. So Roast Pork cannot have apple sauce, nor can turkey have cranberry.
He hasn't tried them, he just doesn't want to.
It is the not trying it that gets me.
if you don't try it how do you know you don't like it?
DD is 3 she is already being told you must try things once, preferably twice, before telling me you don't like it.
Nothing has been refused bar eggs whites, fried or boiled. Again texture. I am not keen but will 'soldier' on so as not to offend. And cos I was also taught to clear my plate.

DH has tried it on once or twice.
He will go through a phase where he hates fish, but a month later loves it, then back to hating it and a flat refusal to admit he ever ate it
Before I met him he hated lasagne, now loves mine. Same for sausage casserole.

Both theses men have had indulgent mothers, I reckon.
Mine does not have an indulgent wife

My family has historically never been great with seafood - my paternal grandfather had a shellfish allergy, so my dad never ate it as a child, and my matrnal grandfatehr was a very old-school 'british only' eater. Consequentially, when I went to a friend's house to find that they'd cooked a prawn curry, I was somewhat stumped - but I ate it anyway, and in doing so found that I actually quite like them.

Alternatively, it was possibly my fault for not saying anything that meant I had to eat pork in cider (with cooked apples in the mix) one of the first times I met my PIL. I really dislike cooked apple, unless it's heavily sweetened with sugar (as in crumbles and, to a lesser degree, pies; I can tolerate the latter and enjoy the former as long as it's with custard!). But I wouldn't have dreamed of mentioning it - I put on a brave face and ate it, though I didn't eat much of the actual apple part. I did later mention that I really wasn't much of a fan of cooked apple so that I didn't have to do it again, but after enough time had passed that they wouldn't be offended.

Last time I was there it was rhubarb crumble. I really don't do bitter foods (and I can't handle sweet and sour), and it was way too sharp for my likeing, but I ate it anyway. I really should mention these things too, but I was raised to just get on and eat it.

Personally, as long as you won't literally be gagging (my brother did this the last time he tried an orange - the only fruit he eats are apples and bananas) you should make hte best of it. Even if you don't eat it all, you have to give it a go. Honestly, if you have that much of a problem with it, the onus is on you to warn your host in advance. They're the one slaving over a stove.

(mugglewump. your BF is being a real arse about Maccies by the way. It's a freaking buger. Man up.)

Its a dinner party, not a restaurant, you don't have to provide menus! Its up to invitees to volunteer any information necessary, not for you to ask them what they want to eat.
Should be like...

Me: Would you like to come over for dinner next Friday?
Them; Yes we'd love to. By the way I'm a veggie.
Me: A real veggie or one of those knobbers people who eat fish. Or occasionally even chicken?
Them: No proper veggie. But my partner only eats dust.
Me: Do fuck off feel free to bring something along for him then.

lol @ runnybottom. But I agree completely.

(Also, good grief at my typos earlier!)

muggglewump, I have to agree with YanknCock about your BF. Is he your dd's dad?

If I were hosting a dinner party, I probably would make some effort to find out if any of the guests had any major issues with anything I was likely to serve because I would have a horror of having someone be really averse to what I'd cooked. If I am a guest, I would at least try to eat most things (except the slimier types of shellfish, such as oysters) - I would probably try to let the host know that I prefer not to eat shellfish (have tried crab and quite like it, prawns I'd only eat if I had to and the likes of oysters, mussels, calamari/squid I almost certainly could not bring myself to eat in the unlikely event they were served) but might not even remember to do so.

Overseas cousins visited a while back and one of them would eat no vegetables or fruit of any sort, no bread, no pasta, no dairy of any kind, no cakes, no biscuits. All he ate was meat and potatoes (or so it seemed). Fortunately, we discovered this in the M&S cafeteria and were able to visit the food hall to pick up a chicken breast (totally plain) for my mum to serve with plain boiled potatoes instead of the lasagne and salad she had cooked. We were a little incredulous that, given the (acknowledged) extreme nature of his dietary limitations, no-one had thought to alert my Mum, who they knew was going to be preparing a meal for them. It was all very uncomfortable, I must say.

Grinning at runnybottom.

I know I don't absolutely have to cater for these people. But, they are otherwise absolutely nice and lovely, and I'm sad there are so many problems.

If someone hates something so much that they feel sick eating it, I reckon that's fair enough. I would prefer to serve them something else that they'd enjoy. But what is difficult is people who will insist on saying, 'Oh, I don't eat lamb' or 'Ooh, I don't like fish' when they've either never tried it, or would prefer good old beef or chicken.

I will try harder to ask people what alternative would be best, as people have suggested, but I still feel depressed by it all.

This is why I now mostly meet people in restaurants.

If you don't like it, leave it and eat some cornflakes from the packet when you get home, you time-consuming irritant.

ps LittleredDragon: what is your DP's religion? Genuinely interested. (drums fingernails menacingly on kitchen worktop}

I'm guessing that he's a Buddhist.