to think that, allergies/moral convictions aside, it's only polite to eat what's cooked for you?

[JaneS]

Disclaimer: This is a thread about a thread ('Is my DH a fussy eater'), but it's not intended in any way as an attack on the OP there, or anyone else. I just found myself wondering something I've often thought before.

What I'm wondering is, when should you accommodate people's food preferences, and when do you give up? I'm incredibly greedy, so the list of things I won't eat is tiny (very hot chilli is what comes to mind). I'm fine cooking for DP, whose religion means he mustn't eat meat for 1/3 of the year, and must have a vegan diet for around six weeks every year. And I do accept that if you have a bad reaction to some foods, or consider it morally wrong to eat them, then that's non-negotiable.

But I really find it amazing the number of people there are who seem to be perfectly normal adults, yet who think it's quite ok to provide a long list of likes and dislikes to whoever is catering for them. Not because they can't eat the food in question, but because they don't care for it. Is this really ok? At what point should you just accept that Dish A isn't your choice, and eat it anyway?

I have eaten several foods that I cannot bear when at other peoples' houses. I just smile through the unpleasantness. My mother always drummed into me that you eat what you are given and if necessary feign enjoyment.

My most extreme "eat what you're given" moment came at an elderly friend's house where she had done poached plums for pudding (I was about 11). Now I don't like plums at the best of times so I reached for the sugar sifter and covered them in what I thought was sugar. It wasn't sugar, it was salt. However I manfully plodded through them. My mother was very proud

Well, allergies/religious/intense dislikes aside, I don't think it is ok to serve the host with a list of likes and dislikes, you are inviting them for dinner at your home, and your house is not an a la carte restaurant.

I normally ask guests if there is something they don't eat, and try to avoid it, a long list of unjustified requirements would mean I will cook accordingly but would never invite them back for a meal.

Having said that, DS is one of those kids with a repertoire of allergies and risk related issues that makes it really difficult to cook for him. I prefer to bring a lunch box for him with food similar to that that would be served rather than to impose such amount of complexities on the host.

I think that is not about being polite and eating things that you don't like, but about being open enough to keep increasing the range of foods you are familiar to avoid becoming an adult who has the taste and requirements of a small child. Taste is an educated thing, nobody likes beer, chili, limes, and even cheese at the first go, you learn to like them slowly through your life. It is not a genetic ability to be able to like or dislike things.

Yup, that's right, it is good manners, I think.
Perhaps only have a small portion if possible.

YANBU

I don't offer a menu choice either. I will, if feeding people for the first time, always ask if there's anything they can't eat and work around that - provided we are talking about a realistic set of demands requests and not the sort of limitations that leave you feeding someone who can only eat processed cheese sandwiches on white sliced bread cut into four quarters!!! Or, you aren't like someone I know who cannot eat or drink anything prepared outside her own house. Basically, if people are ludicrously fussy I don't have them round to eat. There's no point and I can't see what they get out of the experience either. However, the fussiest of eaters have a habit of keeping things quiet until the meal is being served. Then they drop their culinary bombshell. Which is why I think food fussiness is often more about attention seeking.

I'm not good with certain shellfish. My dislike doesn't warrant the label of "allergy" and I have tried scallops, mussels and snails fairly regularly to check whether I've acquired a taste for them. So far I haven't. But when we were round for supper with friends a while back, they'd cooked a risotto and bunged mussels into it. As you do. Apologies were immediately offered but I dismissed them since it isn't difficult to quietly avoid the mussels - or in this case,let everyone else eagerly eat my share of them!

i think its polite to eat what's cooked

Wow, Fibilou, that sounds above and beyond the call of duty there!

I'm trying to sort out food for 70 people at my wedding and thus far I have several vegetarians (fish, no fish, etc.), someone with coeliac disease, someone who's allergic to onions, and some people who don't like fish. All fine.

I also have a list of responses including:

'Please remember Jen (teenage cousin) doesn't eat carrots'

and

'can the food be organic?'

So I am a bit pissed off atm.

littlereddragon, I think offering a choice at your wedding is only to be expected - you and OH get to choose what's on the menu and everyone else gets to choose whether they want to eat it or not

No one's forcing Jen to eat the carrots are they?

you offer vegetarian (or vegan if you have those) and non
the nonfishies will eat vege

the onion person can starve
are they also allergic to other alliums?

Like Bronze says.

And Jen gets a great big dish of carrot soup.

Yes, tempting. Mind you, it's not that my cousin herself complained - it's her mum, which seems really silly. I mean, I am sure a 15 year old can tell me herself if she can't eat something!

I have actually checked to see if the non-fishies will eat vegetarian but one of them is intolerant to cheese and milk, and the veggie options all have some of this.

It is ridiculously complicated and a fair few elderly relatives seem to think that it'll be like a restaurant so they can 'order what we fancy on the day', as my auntie put it.

Ah well ... goes off to make herself a cuppa and stop micromanaging

took me a long time to persuade dh to try more foods. when we met his kitchen contained frozen plain pizza, tinned tuna and tinned grapfruit. that was it.

his parents are weirdy fussy though. as is his sister. if offered something they dislike they say 'no thanks i don't like that' rather than 'no thanks' or 'it looks lovely but i'm so full no thank you' etc. they would never struggle through eating something to please their host. they also sniff their food which annoys me. AND they often look suspiciously at food and ask what's in it. not so much now though as i respond 'nice things, try it.'

No, I have never asked for a list of people's ridiculous foibles likes and dislikes, and have never been asked for mine.

Being invited out for dinner isn't all about your tastebuds being catered for - it's a social occasion where the host is going to time and expense to entertain - possibly have to force down a few mouthfuls of something you don't like is surely not too much to ask, is it? People amaze me sometimes...

And anyway - when we have dinner parties, it's usually 6 people, often 8 or 10 - how on earth are you supposed to take into account every single person's ridiculous foibles likes and dislikes and not lose your sanity / produce a delicious meal that everyone will enjoy?

I am vegetarian & don't eat mushrooms or nuts or tofu or fake meat stuff.

I am fussy , will freely admit it BUT if I eat out I can usually put together something from what is offered without a fuss.

YANBU - at all

"Being invited out for dinner isn't all about your tastebuds being catered for - it's a social occasion where the host is going to time and expense to entertain - possibly have to force down a few mouthfuls of something you don't like is surely not too much to ask, is it? People amaze me sometimes..."

You are SO right Ziggurat

My simple rule is not to reject food I'm offered as a guest, because I think it's rude. In fact I'd not only eat something I didn't like at someone's house, I'd ask for seconds and make loads of polite noises about how lovely it was.

Fussyness is a hideous trait, really rude and selfish. I have done my utmost to stop my children being fussy.

If I invited someone around to dinner and they refused to eat my food because they 'didn't like it' I'd assume they were a fucking ignorant peasant and not invite them again.

(should add - proper allergies and intolerances need to be catered for, but everything else should be ignored).

Fibilou, I thorougly admire your sort. If I was your mother I would have been proud too. Do you mind me asking how old you are? I think manners like yours are dying out. How sad.

YANBU. I say that as a fussy eater. I have improved over the years, but there are still a lot of things I don't like.

If I go for dinner somewhere I will make an effort to eat what is put in front of me. There are a couple of thing that I just couldn't eat if I tried, like mushrooms and curry.

But I have in the past eaten bits of lasagne, even though I don't like mince or tomatoes. I pushed it around the plate a lot too. But I would never dream of being so rude as to ask somebody to make me something else.

DH and I are going out next Saturday to dinner at a couples house who we don't know very well. I am hoping they serve sometthing I like, if they don't I will politely eat what I can.

LittleRedDragon. Surely 15yo cousin can leave carrots at the side of the plate. Good grief!! I do not envy you.

i can't and wont eat green or red peppers.. i hate yellow ones too but i can force them down.

if people ask about preferences i tell them this, but generally i can pick them out of stuff and eat around them... if somebody actually served me a stuffed pepper though, as the only thing on my plate i've no idea what i'd do, i doubt i could eat the filling as it would taste so much of peppers

but i would NOT expect the host to get me something else instead.. i'd pretend i wasn't hungry and was happy with the other course alone.

My parents were very affected (I think emotionally more than physically to be totally honest) by rationing, and so I was brought up to eat whatever I was offered. Actually I am very grateful for this, despite how much I hated my mother at times growing up) because being exposed to lots of different foods means that I enjoy eating a wide range of food.

I don't expect to be asked what I would like to eat when I eat at a friends house, and I would always say that whatever they served would be sure to be delicious. The only food I struggle with a bit are my PIL who have a tendency to overcook everything. So I make sure that I am hungry when I visit them.

I will do my best as a parent to make sure that by the time my children leave home they too enjoy a wide range of things, because I think it is rather miserable to be scared of food (which is what I observe in some of my friends) and very rude to be fussy (other acquaintances). At the moment ds is adventurous and dd is very timid/fussy, but getting better, and has had a few "eureka" moments when she has discovered that something she has been turning her nose up at for ages is actually very delicious.

My son has Aspergers and one of his "quirks" is his food. Unlike his brother and myself-who will eat just about anything put in front of us- he is VERY difficult about his food. He can't cope with food touching, doesn't eat anything in a sauce or liquid-so no pies, casseroles, stews etc,doesn't eat vegetables, is supersensitive to taste, and generally a nightmare! The only "restuarant" food he can cope with ( and this is after many years of training!) is pizza ( but only pepperoni!.)However he is quite happy sitting in a restuarant or at a friends house eating dry pasta or bread! I do warn anyone we visit that he is a fussy eater-quite how bad is hard to explain, but I wouldn't expect anyone to cook his food seperately, he just doesn't eat!

"If I invited someone around to dinner and they refused to eat my food because they 'didn't like it' I'd assume they were a fucking ignorant peasant and not invite them again."

Amen to that, stand.

People are free to be fussy bastards, and in turn, the rest of us reserve the right to think they lack the manners God gave a goat, and were clearly dragged up by people who know no better themselves.

I must add, I have yet to come across anyone, either when I've entertained, or when I've been entertained who's refused to eat food or demanded to be otherwise catered for...

primarymum, I think Charlotte Moore speculated that one of her autistic boys didn't like sauces on things because of the way it's neither a drink (liquid), nor solid food. Does your son know why he doesn't like sauce?

I would say that children, and esp. children whose sensory reactions might be a bit different, are ok to be far more fussy than adults. It's fussy adults that I find really beyond the pale.

I still remember the first time some friends of DH came to visit - I had not met them before then. I knew she was veggie, and had no problem with that, and spent the afternoon making a veggie multi-layered, mash topped pie thing. They arrived about 2 minutes before the time I had said we would be eating and on arrival she said "you do know I'm veggie don't you?" and he said "and you do know I don't eat vegetables?" I was so taken aback, and thought he must be joking, so served him up a plate of veggie pie anyway, saying "well you'll have to make do I'm afraid, this is what I've made, sorry" and he sat there plitely NOT eating as everyone else tucked in. I was really embaressed that I had failed to provide for a guest, but was literally too tired to go make anything else (it had been a manic day) but I apologised and said he was very welcome to make himself some sandwiches, or toast or whatever. To be fair to him he didn't mind at all, and just went without, but I'm afriad my embaressment turned to annoyance, especially when he said yes please to chocolate cake. I wanted to say no but everyone else said no, he must have some and so I gave in.

LittleRedDragon Yes, he has similar reasons, he likes to know exactly what he is eating and his food to look the way it should! So no mince, sausages etc but he's Ok with steak! He's more bothered by tastes rather than textures though, no salt, no seasonings, no spicy food . His favourite meal is plain pasta with grated cheese on top! We went out for a Chinese meal during the week, he had dry ribs and prawn crackers ( but DS1 and I had a great time!)