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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that you should NEVER comment on the weight of other people's babies?

106 replies

Moomma · 11/02/2010 21:49

I was blamelessly attending Rhymetime at my local library today with my admittedly featherweight DS, who is just five months. The woman next to me admired him and asked how old he was. When I told her, she gasped and said, 'But he's tiny! Mine is six months and she's twice his size!'

She wasn't twice his size. She looked to be a few pounds heavier - maybe five. But I wouldn't have said, 'God, is she shaping up to be obese?'

DS is on the bottom of the growth charts and his weight has been a constant source of anxiety and worry for me since he was born (early). And I just wish everyone who has commented on it since he was born would form an orderly queue so I could tell them all to fuck off.

It just makes me want to stay at home and hide.

OP posts:
Doodleydoo · 11/02/2010 21:52

Ohh I had the same problem and dd is still smaller than her peers - she was always in the low percentile. I frankly find it on a par with telling pg women how large they are - how bloody rude.

YANBU

If someone hasn't got something nice to say, don't bother saying it. But if you want to counteract I used to find, "yes she is lovely and light to carry around!"

Washersaurus · 11/02/2010 21:54

I think you are taking these comments to heart too much as you are already concerned. I doubt anyone means to upset you - probably just trying to make conversation! People often forget to take into account the build of a child's parents before making these type of comments too.

Remember - there have to be some babies on the bottom of those charts.

Firawla · 11/02/2010 21:55

i dont think they mean it like that, they probably don't realise your so sensitive about it. so yabu a little bit, but also yanbu a bit its not nice if they say it soo much.
both mine have been pretty big for their age while young babies, and people comment for that aswel. i think its just something for them to say, trying to make conversation. she was probaly actually trying to be friendly without realising you would feel upset. it is none of their business, but sometimes people just don't kno what to say so just come out with that kind of comments

Original poster
Moomma · 11/02/2010 22:01

I think if you haven't worried about a baby's weight you would think it's unreasonable - no offence to you, but commenting on a baby being big is generally a compliment. I still wouldn't do it, because there might be a reason not to. I don't think you know what it's like to see shock in someone's face when you tell them how old your child is, especially when they follow it up with 'but he's tiny'.

I know I am over-sensitive about it, but it's like commenting negatively on red hair (which I happen to love) or a squint or something. Don't do it. There's a reason weather exists and it's so people can make conversation while waiting for the librarian to sing 'the big red bus'.

OP posts:
Washersaurus · 11/02/2010 22:05

I think you'll probably find that people with babies higher up the centiles would also be upset by lots of comments about their babies weight...especially with all the talk of childhood obesity.

My DC's were very low on the charts for weight when babies and were always smaller than other babies, but I wouldn't have been upset by comments as all babies are different - that is why the charts span such a range.

scottishmummy · 11/02/2010 22:07

i have had lbw @4lb on discharge yes did get comments.however people comment on all kind of things your pram,baby clothes worn,any ole thing.some folk do a great line in rubbish chatter

please dont hide away cause of a few ill placed comments - maybe need to toughen up and chins up

my funniest moment was at 5mo being congratulated on new born.didnt have heart to say owt

enjoy your wee baby they dont stay wee long.they go off like a rocket

Wonderstuff · 11/02/2010 22:11

YANBU - but people who haven't been there or known someone who has been through similar worries don't think about it. I also think you should never ask people if they are planning children, but obv. it is another question people ask without thinking about because if you haven't been there you don't get it.

NormaSnorks · 11/02/2010 22:13

DS1 was 10 lb 3 when born and continued on 98th percentile for weight and height.

Well-meaning friends used to comment, and I had the whole range of comments - he's a monster/ baby elephant/ giant etc etc

I didn't worry too much as he was healthy, and I was proud of my 'big' baby! I think people with 'small' babies perhaps are more sensitive as there is so much emotional stuff associated with feeding babies (esp. if breastfeeding).

I really would try not to worry - if you and your GP/HV are happy with your baby's weight then just brush it off with a smile.

I think baby size/age is just the standard opening line at many groups, and sometimes it just comes out wrong!

Washersaurus · 11/02/2010 22:13

That reminds me actually - when DS1 was around 11mo we went to stay with my mum in Florida. We were in a supermarket with him when an old (track-suited) granny shouted across the aisles "OMG IS THAT A BIRTH MARK ON HIS FACE?" with a look of horror on her face.

It wasn't a birth mark, he had fallen over and had a bit of a scab on his forehead, but I was still a bit that she felt the need to comment at all.

People say silly things. You have a gorgeous baby, make the most of the attention he gets.

oldandknackered · 11/02/2010 22:15

YANBU. I was exposed to hurtful comments with DS2 but it was because he was a fat, fat baby.

The comments made were certainly not made as compliments and most were meant to be funny - but weren't. Yeah, I has a sense of humour failure over it

Even a hospital consultant we were seeing about DS2's umbilical hernia wouldn't believe I was BFing him and had to comment on my huge baby.

When I told him DS2 was solely BF, he asked: 'Well, what on earth are they feeding you, then?!' I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me.

Most people need to learn how rude and hurtful it is to comment on a baby's weight / height / looks.

meaniepants · 11/02/2010 22:22

My friend has a smaller than average child, (apparently, although I don't think I'd notice if she wasn't always on about it) and is forever commenting on my older, always average sized dd: my god she's huge! Is she the biggest in her class? I can't believe how massive she is....she once went and got her scales and stood dd on them!!

I'm not sure she realises her child will also be bigger in two years time!

My friend has weight issues of her own which I think make her a bit obsessed!

So YANBU. Its annoying.

Ninjacat · 11/02/2010 22:22

Having had a 10lb 15oz baby who has remained on the 99.6th percentile I have had to grow a very thick skin to baby size comments.

scottishmummy · 11/02/2010 22:23

mums need to tune out and ignore daft comments.

thing about being parent everyone has opinion eg
feeding
nursery
type of pram routine no routine

NormaSnorks · 11/02/2010 22:24

Gosh - I really am a bit surprised by this thread! People have been commenting on babies for centuries - big/little/thick/thin/ginger/blonde/bald/hairy etc

I know people are hormonal and sleep-deprived etc post-birth but I really think they shouldn't assume all comments are hurtful. Could you interpret such comments in a more positive way?

e.g.'But he's tiny! Mine is six months and she's twice his size!' - Yes- he IS rather cute isn't he?

I also had the comment 'Well, what on earth are they feeding you, then?!' in response to my rotund, breast-fed baby. I just laughed it off and said, "don't know, but it's obviously all high quality stuff.."

People are often a bit awkward wih 'new mothers' and these comments just come out.
They're only hurtful if you let them be!

StayFrosty · 11/02/2010 22:26

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 11/02/2010 22:27

yes agree! but wit lbw you do punish yourself did i do this..

however yep need to toughen and get on with it

poorbuthappy · 11/02/2010 22:33

YANBU...

my dts are very little at 14 months...we went to our local mother and toddler for the first time last week and when they pulled themselves up on the play kitchen and cruised around it 1 of the mothers commented...gosh aren't they strong, I can't believe they can walk around things already! Goodness me look at them go with the push alongs...

Cue me looking at her and saying rather loudly (cos it was very noisy obviously) well they are 14 months actually...[hmmm]

From the other side...my SILs little boy is 6 months younger than my DTs and weighs a lot more, so we are having hand me downs (which I think is brillant obviously!) but she gets the same thing in reverse. People are always telling her what a bruiser he is when he is just a lovely little boy!

poorbuthappy · 11/02/2010 22:34

too many mmmm in there...

AvrilHeytch · 11/02/2010 22:37

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willowstar · 11/02/2010 22:39

my little girl is on the bottom of the chart and when people find out how old she is (4 and half months) they STILL ask me if she was premature which she wasn't and how much she weighted at birth (7lb 10oz). Like u we have had a lot of medical people worrying on our behalf that she was so small but we were always OK with it because she is developing just fine. Anyway, I don't care, people don't mean to be rude, she does look little compared to other babies her age...it doesn't bother me at all. I actually pre-empt it a lot now and say she is 4.5 months, yes she is little for her age...small but perfectly formed, that sort of thing.

minxofmancunia · 11/02/2010 22:47

I've had to get used to these comments dd now 3.5 was a waif, 9th centile, "was she prem?" "isn't she tiny!" etc.etc.

I now have a monster ds (4.5 months) on 91st percentile "God is he only 4 months he's huge!" and so on...

Irritating but to be expected people sometimes don't know what else to say when seeing a baby for the first time, but overall yanbu.

Original poster
Moomma · 11/02/2010 22:49

Pre-empting is good, but then I think I'm just drawing attention to it! My DH and I had been celebrating the fact that DS had started to put on a bit of chub (dimply thighs!) but then that comment today made me feel like I'd been deluding myself. I just want him to be normal. And GP is delighted with him, HV isn't - but she didn't look at him, just at his weight chart, which is a whole other AIBU thread.

I wish I could be less anxious about it, but it's lovely to see other people who have been in the same position and survived. And I do feel sorry for the ones with the biggest babies too, because people do judge you whether they're big or small. My crazy mother is obsessed with my sister's baby, who is built on a much bigger scale than DS, and keeps bothering her about her baby's size/weight and how she'll always have to struggle with her figure. (She is five weeks old.)

OP posts:
Dalrymps · 11/02/2010 22:49

YANBU it is hurtful and insensetive. I am always careful about comments I make about other peoples babies, I try not to comment on appearance at all except to say how cute/adorable they are etc

Ds has always been at the bottom of the charts and I was very worried about it. Comments from people such as 'oh he's sooo tiny' and '7 months? He looks about 4 months!!!' really upset me.

The good news is as they get older I have found the difference between the size of them seems to even out a lot more and the comments become less....

Some people just don't think before they open their mouths

scottishmummy · 11/02/2010 23:02

moomma,if gp is happy,let that ease your mind wee bit.trust your instincts,your eyes.LOL the wee dimply thighs

AvrilHeytch · 11/02/2010 23:02

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Message withdrawn