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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that you should NEVER comment on the weight of other people's babies?

106 replies

Moomma · 11/02/2010 21:49

I was blamelessly attending Rhymetime at my local library today with my admittedly featherweight DS, who is just five months. The woman next to me admired him and asked how old he was. When I told her, she gasped and said, 'But he's tiny! Mine is six months and she's twice his size!'

She wasn't twice his size. She looked to be a few pounds heavier - maybe five. But I wouldn't have said, 'God, is she shaping up to be obese?'

DS is on the bottom of the growth charts and his weight has been a constant source of anxiety and worry for me since he was born (early). And I just wish everyone who has commented on it since he was born would form an orderly queue so I could tell them all to fuck off.

It just makes me want to stay at home and hide.

OP posts:
AKMD · 12/02/2010 09:49

YANBU but I am probably very odd as my friend had a tiny tiny baby last year (all fine) and the baby has only just stopped looking like a newborn. I'm due any time now and hope my baby stays that cute for so long!

TheFallenMadonna · 12/02/2010 09:56

MN has been a bit of an eye-opener for me about this sort of thing. I reckon people are just making conversation. My babies were huge and bald, and in DS's case frankly very odd-looking. These things were commented on (except the odd-looking, that translated into "he's very alert ), and I would make passing comments about other children.

I appreciate that you have worries about him anyway, and that means an off-the-cuff comment probably comes across in a way it wasn't meant. And she did admire him first

Ziggurat · 12/02/2010 09:56

YANBU to be upset, but I don't think people mean these sorts of comments with any malice.

That Mum may be really worried about how large her baby is, and is looking enviously as yours - you just don't know.

Big babies do get loads of comments - well, especially if they're girls. My best friend has a very bonny girl, and everyone feels free to pass comment on it all the bloody time!

muriel76 · 12/02/2010 09:59

My son was 11lbs at birth and I got quite sick of the comments which always had a second meaning!

Ie
You must have had a very healthy pregnancy - you must have been a greedy pig

Look at the size of him - isn't he chubby.

You had a natural birth?! - bucket fanny!

When I was then only girl in an office of men it was the running 'joke' that the whole office could fit up my girly bits including desks, filing cabinets etc. Wasn't even funny the first time.....

yanbu but you are also not alone!!

TulipsInTheRain · 12/02/2010 10:00

i've had a slightly bigger than average, a monstor who weighed the same as his 2yo sister a 6 months and a dinky little guy who the doctor could only describe as 'wiry'.

couldnt care less about peoples comments, i've heard everything from 'What on earth are you feeding him?' to 'gosh, it just looks weird to see something so small walking around'

DorotheaPlenticlew · 12/02/2010 10:07

YANBU I found it got on my tits a bit to have constant remarks about DS being sooooo big. (And he was exclusively BF as well, but packed on the pounds like nobody's business in those early weeks.) People may mean well but it can be a little bit much we got on the bus one day and a man did a massive double take at DS in his buggy and literally shouted "My God, that baby's a GIANT!" ... cue heads turning all over bus

I used to just smile, joke along etc -- wasn't massively hurt but it got pretty annoying.

I generally stick with "isn't she just so lovely!" Can't go wrong

DorotheaPlenticlew · 12/02/2010 10:10

Afterthought: I think it is more of an issue when they're older actually. DS is v tall and comparatively slender now at 2.5, but he still sometimes says solemnly to me, "I'm too heavy, Mummy" when I lift him up. Someone has obviously said this to him and it's sunk in. I always say "no, you're just right" but I sort of wish he hadn't been told it in the first place ... I do recall being aware that I was "too heavy" from about the age of six and it wasn't a great feeling.

MoChan · 12/02/2010 10:11

Well, you can't really win, so ultimately you have to develop a thick skin. My daughter was 8lb at birth but struggled to gain weight (despite feeding NON STOP) and it was always "was she premature", "isn't she tiny", "you can see her ribs", etc.

Suddenly, at the 4 month stage, she began gaining weight at a pace, for no apparent reason (she had been ebf and stayed ebf until six months) and ended up looking like a little sumo wrestler (went from newborn size clothes to 6-9 months clothes in the space of about three weeks) so then she was subject to the "isn't she big", "is she having too much", "you must be feeding her something other than milk" comments.

It is vexing, especially if it's your first, and you are worried that you are doing the wrong thing all the time, anyway...

But I don't think (most) people are being consciously mean to you when they do it. Just try to ignore it.

dinkystinky · 12/02/2010 10:13

OP - ignore them, they're just making conversation. If you're happy and your baby is happy and healthy then that's all that matters. We're all made in different ways, different builds, different personalities - and the same goes for babies.

I got told that DS1 was a chunky baby from early on - he wasnt that huge. I keep getting told that DS2 looks like a girl (he's quite pretty looking). Just shrug it off and get on with enjoying my time with them.

OtterInaSkoda · 12/02/2010 10:15

But how dull if everyone just said "oh what a lovely baby"? Surely it's better that someone notices something distinctive about them when making converstation - it shows they've noticed that your baby is different - as all babies are.

When people say "she's tiny" or "what a bruiser" I really don't think they're being negative. And if they ask "was she prem?" they are taking an interest in your welfare because they guess that if you have had a prem baby that you've been through the mill. They are being interested and concerned for the most part I'd say.

FioFio · 12/02/2010 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GhoulsAreLoud · 12/02/2010 10:21

Saying a baby is small is not the same as saying a baby is going to grow up to be obese!!!

Crazycatlady · 12/02/2010 10:22

YANBU. I can't count the number of times other mothers who know what an anxious time we had with DD's feeding, puking and allergies have commented on how small she is.

I also know, because they are good friends, that they don't mean to upset me at all, so I either end up agreeing with them or changing the subject.

duchesse · 12/02/2010 10:28

Mooma, my five month old is 12 lbs 9 and everyone just thinks she's a lot younger than she is. She gets away with a lot, as her sisters did before her up to about 10/11. There are advantages.

Weight and size is one of the most obvious features of a baby, people just want to make conversation. I guess you're (understandably) feeling a little sensitive about it.

arolf · 12/02/2010 10:30

I've had 'ooh, isn't he teeny tiny!' and 'what on earth are you feeding him, he's ENORMOUS!' on the same day, with the same (91st centile) baby. best one ever (which I now use) is 'oh, he's just perfect!' covers all bases, and offends nobody

DorotheaPlenticlew · 12/02/2010 10:34

confused by your post GhoulsAreLoud - did someone suggest it was the same?

DorotheaPlenticlew · 12/02/2010 10:34

Oh sorry, just re-read that bit of OP!

Doodleydoo · 12/02/2010 10:44

Just wanted to second all the comments of those who have small babies who feel like they have done something wrong. At term my dd was 6lbs, had had growth issues whilst inutero (scanned constantly etc) so therefore when people commented on weight I would get a little sensitve - this went away but came back when in different situations my dd sometimes doesn't like to eat so often people think she doesn't eat and comments on this CONSTANTLY. So irritating tbh, as actually I have a little piglet at home and on some good days we eat lots and on some others we don't - felt awful until a friend with older children told me her ds only eats pasta with tom ketchup on or baked beans - that is it. Am much more chilled about it now and imo my dd is the most lovely and perfectly formed bambino - the advantage of her being slightly smaller is she is the littlest at nursery, is very cuddly and consequently a bit of a favourite. Pros and cons to everything but it can be distressing to have what can often seem like criticism for something that you might not be able to control - dd's best friend born 7.5lbs now 6lbs heavier and 2 inches taller - think it is just the way they are going to be.

TabithaTwitchet · 12/02/2010 11:15

I agree, people should realise that the size of babies can be a sensitive issue for the parents, especially if the parent is worrying there may be something wrong/ they may be failing their child in some way.
DD was really tiny when she was a baby, right at the bottom of the chart.
Comments from other mums didn't really bother me unduly, but comments from health professionals would often reduce me to tears afterwards, because I felt they knew what they were talking about, and they were confirming my fears that I was failing DD somehow because she was so small.

The worst two times for me was when the GP gaped at DD at her 8 week check, and asked me how many WEEKS premature she had been, and I had to say, actually she was 6 days overdue.
And when I went to ask the health visitor's advice on weaning because DD was just about to turn 6 months, and I got a massive lecture about not introducing solids before 4 months old, and HV wouldn't believe me how old she was and ended up looking up her age in her red book, then said to me (completely unabashed) "oh yes, she is 6 months, I thought she must be about 2 or 3 months, I've never seen a 6 month old that small"

NormaSnorks · 12/02/2010 11:26

Moomma - just to comment on one thing you posted: "I just want her to be 'normal' - she IS normal!

A bell-shaped normal distribution curve is exeactly that - normal... just because there are fewer children at either end of it (i.e. very small/ very large) it doesn't make them less normal.

Please try to worry less about this, unless your GP or HV confirms there is a genuine medical issue.
(and HVs can be insensitive old cows anyway)

majafa · 12/02/2010 11:29

It does get bloomin annoying tho, does'nt it?
My 11 yr old is skinny tall thing, hes 5ft 4 & 3/4 in (must get it right you know)
And I often get people saying, 'oh is he yours? hes nearly as tall as you!'
(Im 5ft 4in by the way)
well yes I know that, I live with him, and no I dont put him in grow bags.
Can you tell it gets to me sometimes

Allets · 12/02/2010 11:43

DS1 has always been extraordinarily tall - 61cms at birth and 153 cms at age 8. He has size six feet and endures a never ending barage of comments on his size. It doesn't worry him.

My DS2 was, in the words of our paediatrician the fattest baby he'd ever treated. He was the roundest, roliest, poliest baby you have ever seen (well over the 100th centile). The comments I endured about him were hideous. Now that he's five he is well built child but has no fat on him whatsoever.

DD was also a very, very fat baby. She was born early, struggled to put weight on at first (she didn't break the 10lb barrier until she was 12 weeks old). She zoomed up the charts after that and is now a chubby but healthy 2.5 year old.

No matter what you do. There is always some busybody who will comment.

Water. Ducks. Back.

duchesse · 12/02/2010 12:20

Allets, I'm sure your baby was chunky, but just wanted to say that nobody can be over the 100th centile. It's not mathematically possible. If your baby was the chunkiest baby ever charted, that would make put him or her on the 100th centile. They would be the 100th centile. As you were.

DorotheaPlenticlew · 12/02/2010 12:39

Is that definitely right, duchesse?

Last time I took DS to be weighed (admittedly a looong time ago now, must have been in connection with a vaccination, maybe MMR), the HV was unable to plot his weight on her chart because the chart for his age didn't go that high. I didn't get (or at least haven't retained in my head) a "centile" related comment but wonder if that is similar to Allets's experience.

witchwithallthetrimmings · 12/02/2010 12:50

yes it is right, the highest line plotted would be 99th or 98th line. To plot the 100 centile line they would need to weigh the heaviest baby in the world time and time again over his first year.