to think that you should NEVER comment on the weight of other people's babies?

[Moomma]

I was blamelessly attending Rhymetime at my local library today with my admittedly featherweight DS, who is just five months. The woman next to me admired him and asked how old he was. When I told her, she gasped and said, 'But he's tiny! Mine is six months and she's twice his size!'

She wasn't twice his size. She looked to be a few pounds heavier - maybe five. But I wouldn't have said, 'God, is she shaping up to be obese?'

DS is on the bottom of the growth charts and his weight has been a constant source of anxiety and worry for me since he was born (early). And I just wish everyone who has commented on it since he was born would form an orderly queue so I could tell them all to fuck off.

It just makes me want to stay at home and hide.

But CantSupinate you are just describing your own experience - you didn't mind the comments, and (presumably?) didn't have a reason to worry about your DCs' size. But some people have fully-founded concerns about their DC's growth/development, and a casual passer-of-comments won't know this.

As someone who was/is always on the receiving end of this sort of comment, it used to throw me into a spin about how to respond - should I explain DD's condition, or not? Would it be too much info, or would it just be carrying on a casual conversation that someone else started? I wish I wasn't the sort of person to tie myself in knots about such things - but I don't think I'm alone!

Moomma I've had exactly the same with my DD. She's 7m, always been 2nd centile, until couple of weeks ago when she came up on the 9th.

I have a tendency to pre-empt people when they ask her age, "yes, small but perfectly formed" etc. etc.

The only HCP ever to comment adversely on her weight was an ignorant Primary Healthcare Practitioner months ago at my GP practice, who told me to top up bf DD with formula, as "breast is not always best dear" . I took DD to see GP next day, he said she was perfect and just lovely and petite . DD is also getting lovely dimply thighs now!

It's funny that this is on here today. I've just had ths conversation with my friend about how i've had to learn to let comments about my 16lb, 69cm almost14 month old go straight over my head or i'd have gone mad.

I think, tbh, you are being a little bit unresonable, just a little bit mind you. People comment on everything.. I've had people make the randomest comments about my ds, some daft mare asked if his birthmark was a bitemark ( i wish i'd said it was to be honest!) and a million and one about his size.

It's just conversation, people don't mean anything by it and if your little one is small anyway it's just an observation.

I know it's easy to be worried about it, I've been researching growth hormone treatment this very day, it is worrying. There is no point worrying too much though, unless you have a magic wand

i think mayb ur a being a tad sensitive, yes it can seem mean etc,but these people r not doing it to be rude. (i wouldnt imagin)

my dd was alway big/chunky etc for age, and is now very tall for 2 people expect more of her as she looks older which is of annoyance to me.

as long as ur baby happy and healthy i would take it with pinch of salt x

I know they're not doing it to be rude, but it can make someone who is already anxious feel even more panicked. I don't think it's mean, just thoughtless. If someone has an ill or disabled child, comments like that can put them in a difficult position re how to respond. But in the overall scheme of things it's quite minor, I do see that!

hows it going Mooma i read your thread about that awful HV in the Breastfeeding/Bottle section.

My dd2 is a small but healthy 9 month old. I have to say I enjoy peoples surprise when she crawls off and stands up, having assumed she is about 6 months old.

So people should be aware in every casual conversation of every possible anxiety that the person they're talking to might be suffering? No, that makes no sense. There could never be any chitchat at all.

"Gee do you think it's going to rain today?" (can't say that in case other person has phobia of thunderstorms)

"My what lovely blue eyes your baby has!" when mother doesn't have blue eyes and might be secretly worried that she isn't quite sure who real father is.

"I can't believe how tall he's getting!" when somebody in earshot is worried that their other child is a runt for age.

Maybe all comments on any aspect of anbody's physical appearance should be banned. I'd vote for that if applied to celebrities.

Sorry if I'm coming across bellicosely, I don't mean to.
Maybe OP the comments are a good opportunity to share your worries? Get them off your chest and out there and seemingly less overwhelming? I mean, that's why I go to baby/toddler groups, to get a bit of group support from other parents. So you might say "Yes she's small and in fact I'm quite worried about it, just crossing my fingers it's not a problem!"
That's what baby/toddler activities are really for, no? To get some human companionship and all the positives that involves?

No. But people SHOULD refrain from making personal and critical remarks about someone's appearance or their offspring's appearance. It is rude. Fortunately, I was brought up to have good manners and I shall ensure my children are the same, but sadly there's a vociferous minority out there who have the emotional intelligence of a woodlouse.

I hate hate hate this with a passion, IM ON THE OTHER END THO.

DS2 is 7 months and is a big baby (22Ib 10oz)

he is a little chub and ive had commented from, what you feeding him McDonalds, hes severely obese, you should put him on a diet

he's in 9-12 months clothes and has ALWAYS been on the 99th centile, he eats 2 meals a day, and is on prescription formula as he has sever allergies.

Everyday since he was born I have got comments every single day, My isn't he a big boy, when I say he is 7 months they say "are you sure"

Its rude and inconsiderate, last week one lady told me I should stop over feeding him, she was on the large side herself, I told her she should go on a diet!
she said I was rude, and I then said, and your were not rude in saying I over feed by child, she walked away muttering something under her breath.

I can take comments about his weight, but NOT when I am being told I am damaging my child's health "by apparently over feeding him" when all he has is VEG!

I dunno Cantsupinate - I wouldn't comment on a baby's size or weight unless, for some reason, an opinion was asked of me. It's not that difficult to avoid the subject - I wouldn't remark upon an adult's height or weight either during the course of normal conversation with them!

I think you need to chill out and be thankful you have a healthy baby.

My ds was born at 27 weeks so was v v tiny for along time
I never once got upset about peoples comments, just made him that bit more special.
People would say he's going to be soo tiny when he goes to school, thought he was a newborn at 6 months and didn't want to pick him up cos they thought he would break!

An old lady said today he was too pretty to be a boy, I just think well at least he's not ugly.
you are over reacting and to say you want to stop in for an innocent comment is a bit much.

YABU!! I've not gone through all the post so sorry if I repeat what anyone has said.
Quite clearly your DS is small and a few pounds on another baby could make them look twice the size.

Mine looked like a huge beach ball when he was about 8 months and EVERYONE had an opinion. They were right- he was a right butter barrel!!
HV were panicking, measuring charts and graphs out. I didn't bother panicking because he was happy, feeding well, nappies ok, sleeping good and so on. Now he is tallest in his class and skinny.

Like I've said in previous posts about someone announcing that they are pregnant or just had a baby it is becoming taboo to say bloody anything because everyone is so god damm touchy!! You can't have a conversation about anything these days with out someone whinging on MN about it!

Instead of thinking 'Fuck Off' and come running to MN why didn't you say something like 'Yeah your baby is lovely - does she feed well, my baby eats well/ is struggling whatever.

Do that to a few people and you enter into conversation and you will feel better I'm sure

I agree that it's harder I think to deal with the comments with the lower weight babies rather than the higher weight ones because it comes with all sorts of baggage about feeding, thriving, growing and nurturing.

A gasp of 'oh my' at a baby small for its age IS different from an eyebrow raised at a baby large for its size. The suggestion is that there's something wrong with your baby's health and with your

I've had all this myself. My daughter was born a month early in Singapore where big, passive roly-poly babies are prized. My paed said she's found some deliberately over bottle feed to achieve this. My 9th centiler used to always draw gasps and comments --both from Chinese and expats.

Funny thing is she walks and talks in sentences, but looks the size of a 9 month old. I don't realy get into age with people and am wary about commenting but I definitely 'got over' myself when she hit one and I'd

I think it was worse because I breastfed (still do 16 months on) and almost convinced myself it wasn't enough.

People don't comment now I find. They comment more on how well she speaks or how cute she is.

sorry trailed off 'and with your ability to feed him or her'

It's the silent 'Jesus, what's wrong with the tiny thing' that people manage (or sometimes not, in my case) to stifle.

But yes, you need to develop a thick skin.

YABU, and you have my full sympathy. My ds was born very very long/tall (99th %) and was pretty heavy at birth but rapidly became a spaghetti baby...dropped down to approx 20th centile before he stabilised. I had to deal with loads of comments, especially because being so long msde his skinny-ness even more obvious.

I spent a lot of time feeling v stressed about this (and was bfing, so felt v responsible too). Was saved by a) really positive helpful HV who consistently pointed out that ds was happy and bright and alert and therefore not malnourished or suffering and b) a paediatric checkup in which the doctor pointed out that being a tall, slim adult was what 99% of the population wanted to be, so why was I worrying that ds was shaping up to be one?

All the really 'chubby' babies from my NCT group (which were the ones which made me feel inadequate) were bottle fed in huge quantities. Some of them were so overfed, and have been subsequently on food, that now, at nearly 5, they border on the obese. One little girl, in particular, whose mother used to give me a hard time helpful advice literally wobbles as she moves and barely walks (and has a lollipop permantly clasped to her).

And...breathe...

ahem. YANBU. Obviously.

Sorry.

OK Fillybuster, there you go though making assumptions about what you call 'chubby' babies. The idea that they're 'overfed' is simply your assumption, its not necessarily the case. I've certainly never overfed my DS & he's never been what you would call thin (nor is he fat exactly, but he's certainly on the bigger side).

Yeah, Fillybuster, you've sort of undermined yourself there by harshing on the bigger babies. FWIW, DS was breastfed, had a very healthy weaning diet and was still huuuge as a baby (as per earlier post) before he slimmed down a lot around age 2.

Really sorry you felt stressed, and no it isn't fair you had a hard time; but it cuts both ways, and your implication about bigger babies is equally off base for many of us.

I didn't mean to say anything bad about big babies either - the title of the thread is supposed to include them, as I know people can be sensitive about ANYTHING to do with their children's appearance. Of course there are implications that you're judging someone if you say 'isn't he big/small/fat/pale' or whatever. But I do quibble with people who say it's just making conversation. I manage to get through adult life without commenting on people's physical appearance (apart from admiring shoes/clothes etc.). I would never say anything about an adult's weight unless they invited comment on it. And I actually don't want to talk about whether my DS is small/feeding well/having trouble with some know-nothing woman at the library. I go out to forget about it, not to talk to people about it. Why would I want to discuss it with someone who is obviously not having any trouble with making their child into a lovely healthy fatty? I don't think they would be able to give me any pointers - it's not like I'm forgetting to feed him or something...

Everyone is different - some people would shrug it off. I'm coming at it from five months of worry, so I find it hard to, and from a lot of the comments, I'm not the only one! There is a difference between 's/he's so big' and 's/he's so small' in terms of your likely reaction. Most people wouldn't be proud of having a baby that's nudging the .4 centile, but you could definitely be cheery about a 99er. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has worried about it/flinched about comments, and I'm not going to let it stop me from going out with him, particularly since people rush across restaurants and down supermarket aisles to admire him because he is SUCH a cutie! I'm feeling much less pathetic about it tonight, but still the point stands, IMO - it's not the best thing to comment on, and I promise myself I never will about other people's babies in future.

I think this is pretty standard baby talk. There is no normal and there is a pretty usual way of getting chatting about them. It isn't going to change. If it continues to upset you, you are going to have to say something upfront.

Avril I have always wondered why people think little ones would be easier to push out? If I think about it would be harder wouldn't it? Gravity wouldn't be as much help and there is less to um "grip" and push?

Agree with the dark matter comments upthread, DS is much heavier than he looks. He looks quite skinny but weighs a ton. A friend of mine has a little girl who is about the same size but weighs almost 5 kilos less.

Ive had the same with all 3 of my DD's

DD1 - bw 6lb 6 - now 4.7yrs in age 2-3yrs clothes

DD2 - bw 5lb 7 - now 3.5yrs in age 18-24months clothes

DD3 - bw 5lb 10 - now 5months only just in 0-3months still a little baggy

My own aunty asked me why my DD's were so small then asked if it was because i didnt eat while pregnant so as not to get any fatter

Commenting on adults weight etc is completely different from talking about a babies.

Do you get offended when people ask how much your baby weighed when he was born? standard question, people put this in the birth announcement.
People ask how old is your ds all the time,
standard baby conversation.
By they time you are an adult you no longer ask how much people weigh, how old were they when they first walked, are they potty trained?

As I said previously my ds was very prem and only weighed 2 1/2 lbs when born, I nearly lost him twice, he was under the centile charts for months but peoples comments never bothered me.
Like upahill said people are just so darn touchy, when all other people are doing is being friendly and making conversation.