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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is £180 for a hen "do" just outrageous?

135 replies

GetDownYouWillFall · 10/02/2010 15:06

I have posted before about the dreaded hen "do"s but have just had the finalised arrangements through from chief bridesmaid (who happens to be a v. highly paid Dr. Me on the hand a v. lowly paid local gov. worker)

She has decided on an afternoon of quad biking yes quad biking and clay pigeon shooting yes clay pigeon shooting followed by exclusive evening meal out with private function room, own waiter etc.

Then on the sunday a day at a spa then a quick skip across half the country to centre parcs. Because hey wouldn't that be fun.

It is my SIL's hen so don't know how to get out of it. I really don't want to go and I certainly don't want to fork out £180.

What do you think?

OP posts:
oranges · 10/02/2010 16:05

its a bit crap that she's not doing everything herself - maybe she out down a wide variety of things, assuming people will pick and choose?

SummerLightning · 10/02/2010 16:07

haha, lucky escape with the paintballing there. I've done that too and that CAN hurt.

I really don't think you'll be the only person trying to get out of some of it. I'd just say you don't want to do and can't afford the outdoorsy bits.
What's the point of the centre parks part? Is that AFTER the spa? Sounds a bit bonkers.
And does the 180 quid include accommodation, and food in the evening?

girlywhirly · 10/02/2010 16:11

Well, you agreed to go without possession of the full facts regarding what was to happen on this hen do, so you could argue that the bridesmaid is BU and you were misled. If you expect people to shell out money, you can at least give them all the details/costings upfront before they commit themselves. But I hate these expensive hen do's anyway, so I wouldn't go unless I really wanted to, and could easily afford it. It is never worth getting into debt to spare someones feelings, even if the bride is your sil.

I'd suddenly have an unexpectedly large bill that needed urgent payment as a priority if you need an excuse not to go to all of it.

cariboo · 10/02/2010 16:14

If I'd have to do all of that rough & ready stuff and then not even be guaranteed a good night's sleep in comfy bed after such torture, I'd pay NOT to go!

googietheegg · 10/02/2010 16:22

I hate hen dos. I just say that I'm not in a position to spend that money in that way, then make sure I send a card.

I never go on hen dos and luckily no one's gone shirty with me (except for one bridezilla friend but there was no pleasing her - we spent £700 on getting to her wedding and it still wasn't enough - she felt I'd 'let her down' because I didn't go to the pre-wedding meal FFS...but I digress)

We don't have the money for £180 on one weekend for one person - if we were going to spend that much it would need to be a weekend for me and DH.

Say no if you want to say no, just don't hum and ha and then be surprised if they're pissed off.

gladders · 10/02/2010 16:24

have done quad biking, clay pigeon shooting and spa at different hen weekends and they were all a lot of fun!

quad biking not really that dangerous as you control the speed?

do you really mean dashing across to center parcs after the spa cos that makes no sense? or is the spa in center parcs which does make sense, and i can vouch personally for center parcs spas as being fab.

also - you keep saying how confident they will all be as they are doctors/vets - it doesn't always follow? true they may have more disposable income but they will probably be v nice and you will have a great time?

if you can afford it, go as you'll have a ball. if you can't then you need to come clean now and say which bits you can attend. definitely don't let it fester...

DrNortherner · 10/02/2010 16:35

I think this advent of hen weekends costing £££££££££ is ridiculous and totally selfish of the bride tbh. Weddings cost enough as it is these days.

I would rather boil my own head than go clay pigeon shooting.

Whats wrong with a raucous night on the tiles FGS?

smallwhitecat · 10/02/2010 16:36

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Cadelaide · 10/02/2010 16:38

Lordy.

What happened to going out and getting pissed with stupid headgear?

mattellie · 10/02/2010 16:38

I?ve done clay pigeon shooting a couple of times and I wasn?t bad at it (much better than DH, at least ). It?s quite a laugh and also pretty sociable as usually only 2-3 people can shoot at the same time so the others stand around laughing watching. But if you don?t fancy it, why not say so up front. You can still go, just don?t join in with the shooting.

On the other hand, I loathe any form of paintballing with a passion and one time that was on the agenda at a hen do, I just said ?no, I?m not interested in that, thanks, not my scene at all, but I?d love to join you later on once that?s finished?.

I?ve been to loads of hen dos where people opted in and out of the various activities on offer and no one thought any the worse of them for it.

sarah293 · 10/02/2010 16:43

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MaisietheMorningsideCat · 10/02/2010 16:47

I did clay pigeon shooting once and got a gun that was too big for me - it kicked back so hard on my cheekbone that I got a massive bruise on my face that stayed for ages, and hurt like you would not believe. Not fun at all.

£180 is just ridiculous - what's wrong with a meal and a few/quite a lot of drinks, fgs?

DorotheaPlenticlew · 10/02/2010 16:49

It is ridiculous, I agree; but based on the OP's later posts saying she could actually (though grudgingly) afford it (& there are no accom costs), and has worked hard to improve her relationship with SIL from a rocky beginning ... I would say under those circs, it prob makes sense to go & try to make the best of it for the sake of the relationship.

It is silly money though. Personally don't like hen parties as a rule, but at least this sounds slightly different to the norm ... some of 'em cost just as much but for nothing but drinking cocktails somewhere far away, which IMO is worse!

SpeedyGonzalez · 10/02/2010 16:57

YANBU at all. I think this is a preposterous amount to expect people to pay - not to mention the cost of getting to the venue, plus wedding presents, travel + accommodation later on. It's not so bad if you've come to a consensus about budget, but clearly the Chief BM has wrongly assumed that everyone can afford this. I don't see why she couldn't have asked about budget at the same time as taking suggestions for activities.

I suspect that some of the other hens will be concerned about the money issue as well as you.

Why don't you let her know that it's rather expensive, and suggest some alternative activities to keep the costs down? If it's all been arranged on email, you could email the whole group, giving others the chance to concur. Otherwise, as others have said, just say you can't afford the whole thing but will go to the bits that you can afford. No sense in pretending that it's not about money.

cat64 · 10/02/2010 16:59

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smokeandmirrors · 10/02/2010 17:02

I have the same situation with exactly the same amount of money for my future SIL. DH has been invited to my brother's stag do which is to cost the same. The hotel for the wedding would cost us £100.00 per night and we would be expected to be there for two nights. We have excellent, non hurtful reasons not to attend the hen and stag parties and there is a fabulous campsite five mins from the reception venue. We can be totally involved and supportive, even sharing drinks in the hotel bar for a while afterwards. I am not ever, ever, ever spending nearly £600.00 on a wedding for anyone before I have even bought a pressie. We shall send a bottle of very good champagne to my DB and SIL for thier hen and stag parties but that will be it. It is all nonsense.

SkaterGrrrrl · 10/02/2010 17:04

I wouldn't have accepted till I knew what the hen do entailed.

But yes they are getting ridiculous these days... weekends in Ibza etc.

If you work for a not-for-profit like me they end up being exorbitant.

Dont go!

spiralqueen · 10/02/2010 17:06

If the SIL's friends are all in good jobs like the BM the £180 could very easily be just the start of it. What if they decide on the spur of the moment to pay for extra clay shooting/champagne with dinner/more spa treatments? I've been in a similar position before where I'm the only one in the group on a low income and it is very difficult (and embarassing) to be the one who has to pipe up and say that you can't afford whatever is being suggested.

Horrible situation to be in - if you could find an excuse way to only do part of it so that you've been involved but haven't bankrupted yourself that would be my solution.

StealthPolarBear · 10/02/2010 17:08

where on earth is bratislavia, is it even a real place?
my hen night was in newcastle

Irishchic · 10/02/2010 17:09

Life is too short, opt out of what you don't want to do,
Even if you can afford it, that is not the point. It is still a lot of money, and as for the quad biking clay pigeon shooting, well that just sounds like a pita. Spa, nice meal, yep, but not the other.

The whole Hen night/weekend thing is becoming a bit tyrannical. Don't feel you have to go along with it all.

rookiemater · 10/02/2010 17:10

YANBU, but I think it is to your advantage that there are a number of specified events so if you are to suggest that say you go to the meal only, then you are still taking part albeit not in all the activities.

I would be upfront but very pleasant about it, just say that you are really sorry but didn't appreciate how much the activities would cost and whilst you hope it is not going to be a problem you simply aren't able to join in everything but you would really like to come along to meal to celebrate the occasion and get to know your future SILs friends.

I would email this both to future SIL and hen organiser and frankly if they have a problem with it then they are being petty. You don't need to mention their occupation and yours, they know this already, this is a lot of money for a hen do and any reasonable person would expect there to be some drop outs, next time though do try to do it earlier

zipzap · 10/02/2010 17:14

Could you send an email just saying something along the lines of 'crikey, really wasn't expecting it to be that sort of amount when we were discussing - was expecting it was going to be a spa OR another activity and a meal afterwards, all sounds fab but I really can't afford to go on all of it'.

Sooner you do it, the sooner they will be able to rejig the costs and numbers for the bits that you don't take part in.

But make it sound like you would like to do it and be really surprised (as you are!) that the cost has come in so high.

let us know what you do!

EldonAve · 10/02/2010 17:17

I agree with Nikita09 say yes to whatever bit you fancy attending and no to the rest

Irishchic · 10/02/2010 17:21

Also I dont think you should be persuaded in to doing this becuase you are worried that if you don't it will affect how you get on with your SIL.

How you get on with your SIL shouldnt depend on whether or not you go to this do, if she is a reasonable person. If she is not a reasonable person then there is no point in trying to please her anyway.

DorotheaPlenticlew · 10/02/2010 17:32

Fair point Nikita, hadn't looked at it that way.