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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

family changing rooms and nakedness......

154 replies

allthreerolledintoone · 10/02/2010 10:37

i took dd and ds swimming the other day and spotted a family changing room which was good because ds is too young to go himself and i wouldnt want him to. Anyway obviously there were other families mummys and daddys etc in there and showers and changing cubicles etc. well after swimming i jumped into the showers with the kids and focusing on my business when i turned around and noticed the women next to me was innocently showering but completely naked. Anyway i came out of the shower to get my bits on the bench and the womens husband was also completely naked he's the oblivious to anyone else giving hiself a good old towel rub as if he were in his own bathroom at home.

Well i didnt know where to look or what to make of it tbh.Part of me thought well good on them for not being shy about their bodies but then i felt uncomfortable with another mans bits on show right next to me. Dd was mortified and so i quickly hushed them into the changing cubicles. I know its is hard to matain your modesty when getting changed but surely it can't be right to have it on display in a family area? what do you think?

OP posts:
bokki · 10/02/2010 11:57

thanks otterinaskoda obviously people have issues with the word leering, and yes i am serious 'who is asking'!! am not that impressed with people telling me what this boy was doing IN FRONT OF ME when they weren't there!! i felt very uncomfortable with the way he was looking at me.. what planet are you on if you think in this over sexualised age that a boy of 10-11 (i didnt ask him how old he was) is incapable of having sexual thoughts when surrounded by partly clad women?? helloo?! i think there may be a bit of wishful thinking going on about the innocence of boys in this age group.. i have sons, and i am not saying that 10 year olds have sex lives etc or that i am unpleasant to boys because of these reasons, but to think that they would never have a sexual thought is a bit daft...

pigletmania · 10/02/2010 12:03

YADNBU at all! There is one thing to be naked at home in front of family, but to see other people nekid no. Fair enough if its a nudist camp, but other peoples wishes and feelings have to be respected, yes nothing wrong with the naked body but there are rules on decency in a public place.

bokki · 10/02/2010 12:04

am sure the word innocent is misplaced and will be commented on.. am not implying anything about the innocence or not of boys.. am just saying they may well and prob are capable of a sexual thought, and even if they are having these thoughts, that does not make them lacking in innocence!

WhoIsAsking · 10/02/2010 12:06

Helloo?! Last time I checked I was safely on planet Earth. Thanks for asking! God knows what could have happened should I have found myself floating about on Jupiter.

Unless you look like Miley Cyrus I think he was probably looking at you with curiosity, not with lustful thoughts running amuck. I could be wrong, but even if I am, maybe there were reasons that 10 year old boy was with his mum in the family changing room. Maybe he wasn't capable of getting dressed without help, maybe he would have been scared to have been in a cubicle for one reason or another.

But hey? Why let compassion or the realisation that you might not know the whole story get in the way of a rant?

phokoje · 10/02/2010 12:16

in defense of bokki, i have a friend who was in a family changing room (with her family) and a young boy was watching her in an inappropriate way. she did say something to the father (who was in there with him) about it and he said quite proudly that his son was 'mature' for his age, and laughed it off. the boy was 8.

generally speaking, women know when someone is checking them out, kid or not. i think its perhaps a bad idea to dismiss a grown womens assessment of something like that.

am probably just projecting tho, i have ishoos with how women are encouraged to dismiss thier instincts.

pigletmania · 10/02/2010 12:16

Shockers I think any child would stare sn or not really. I used to go to a gym and there used to be separate changing and showering for males and females, there were women there that would shower and change in the buff and fair enough as we were all women together but if it was mixed no. At home is fine but not out in public.

hobbgoblin · 10/02/2010 12:24

if weeing in public is illegal then so probably is the above scenario which makes the whole right/wrong/lawful/unlawful issues a bit muddled.

the british problem with nudity is the problem in my opinion.

unless anyone were trying to thrill others with their bits then i don't see an issue at all.

blanket ruling over nakedness just makes it easier to spot wrong doing - crowd management (population in general being the crwod, of course)

sweetkitty · 10/02/2010 12:24

I am surprised by this TBH I would feel very uncomfortable showering naked in front of a naked man.

I would also feel uncomfortable by the DDs seeing an adult man naked. DP has stopped changing in front of them now they are older at 4 and 5, mostly because they are obsessed by winkies and would probably have a good old look, point and sing a song too

DD1 has recently started becoming more modest as well and no longer runs about naked but likes to keep her pants on which is kind of sad but nothing we have done and she sees me naked on a regular basis.

I suppose everyone has a different line as to what they see as OK.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 10/02/2010 12:25

I'm no prude about nakedness, but I would have thought this inappropriate. If a man urinating behind a bush in a park can be done for indecent exposure, then surely swimming pools are not intending for people to be completely naked in a communal shower? Why is it different to the poor guy who wants to walk around the scottish hills in the nuddy (mad bastard- it's freezing!), not bothering anyone and who keeps getting arrested? To my mind the difference is that the other people in the shower haven't consented to looking at another's naked butt, UNLESS there are signs up. Personally I wouldn't have a huge problem with being confronted by a nuddy man, but I would think he (and she!) were quite silly, and likely to get into trouble- lots and lots of people would be uncomfortable, and there is no point in insisting that they get over it, as they have their rights too.

On second thoughts- you say she had great boobs? well, in that case I WOULD be complaining- don't want DH getting ideas!

BalloonSlayer · 10/02/2010 12:25

On the rare occasions my nearly 10 year old DS sees my naked boobs, he stares at them and then looks me in the eye with a cheeky grin which is different from his normal cheeky grin.

I am 100% certain that this response is simply because he now realises that naked breasts are "rude" and that "rude" things are amusing, and NOT that he finds himself with any lustful thoughts.

I would also describe the look and grin that he gives me as a Leer, quite definitely.

There is a stage between the innocence of infancy and the sexual awakening of puberty when children become interested in people's bodies as being sexual without this interest being sexually motivated in itself IYSWIM. That's the age my DS is at.

thesecondcoming · 10/02/2010 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SailAway · 10/02/2010 12:30

lol at an 8yo boy looking at a woman 'inappropriately'.

It reminds me of a comment in another thread 'If a man can see anything sexual in a 7yo, then he needs to go to see a doctor' Quite right I think. And valid for women too.

allthreerolledintoone, how old is your dd? I'm just surprised that she felt unconfortable to see a man and a woman naked.

FWIW I have been in changing room where there is just one cubicle. There is a man and a woman section of course but otherwise, you ahve to get undressed in front on everybodyelse. I don't thnk anyone has ever found it a problem, incl dads taking their dd to get changed.

SailAway · 10/02/2010 12:34

lol. I really love that sort of threads. Lots of people finding it uneasy to be in front of a naked body and even more for their dcs to see a naked body, incl their own/partners.

Then you have thread about taking a bath with your 7yo and everyone says it's normal/OK, that their dcs see them naked all the time anyway etc...

Obvioulsy 2 different groups of people answering to 2 different threads.

thesecondcoming · 10/02/2010 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ErnestTheBavarian · 10/02/2010 12:38

Sounds very swiss/german.

I woildn't like it tbh, and think it's a good idea to ask the staff for the situation to be confirmed and maybe signs put up to warn people of nudity or asking them to refrain from it.

I nearly died 1st time I went to gym with pool in Switzerland. There I was showering (swim suit on of course) and some old boy gets under the shower right next to me and without a by or leave whipped of his speedos. Oh my word.

re 10 year old boys, well, my ds would undoubtably stare but def iôut of total curiosity. I am still trying to impress upon him the fact the staring is rude & people actually notice. It took me a long time to learn this too though Mind you he has gone to the men's since he was about 6, so not been in that situation. I can see why you were unfomfortable though, I wouldn't like it either, but you never know why he was there. MAybe he desperatley wanted to be in the men's but he had an over protective mother who wouldn't let him?

saintlydamemrsturnip · 10/02/2010 12:40

God the changing stuff at pools is such a PITA. Because of this stupid rule about age there is only 2 hours a week when ds1 can go swimming (to the disabled swimming club when anyone can get changed anywhere and there is all sorts from all ages on show). He's 10 years old, severely autistic and wouldn't be remotely interested in a woman's body. Or a man's.

Honestly it's 2010, we should be able to cope with a naked flabby body or two getting changed after a swim.

ImSoNotTelling · 10/02/2010 12:43

Is the law against urinating in public for indecency reasons though, or is it for health/disease reasons (thinking back to the days when disease from unsanitary conditions was much more common - maybe the law was made then?)

Chillohippi · 10/02/2010 12:44

YANBU at all.

MadameCastafiore · 10/02/2010 12:50

Family changing rooms are there so you can be with your kids and they don't have to go into the appropriate sex changing rooms by themsleves.

FGS we are all the same under our clothes and the more poeple get used to nakedness and make it less taboo then the less issues there will be around not being open and hoenst about sex and body issues.

If youhave issues with your body being seen or your kids seeing naked bodies you have to head for the cubicles.

Rhubarb · 10/02/2010 14:30

Love the images of men swinging their cocks about in the changing rooms!

I'd probably notice the woman more than the man and then I'd probably start to compare. They obv felt comfortable being in their own skin in a public changing room and good for them! They weren't insisting that everyone join them for a good old orgy!

They weren't even in the changing rooms but in the showering area. I'm sure you could have got changed in a cubicle in complete privacy if you wanted to.

Rhubarb · 10/02/2010 14:32

And bekki, you did say that the boy looked about 10 - you didn't know. Now he's suddenly 10 or 11.

I mistook a small boy for 3 years younger than he was today and I've done it the other way round plenty of times.

I'm sure the reason he was in the changing rooms with his mum was because he was too young to go into the private ones by himself. Fair enough, I wouldn't want my 9yo dd going into the womens by herself, I'd take her into the family ones with me.

diddl · 10/02/2010 14:35

I´m in Germany & family rooms are usually just changing rooms for one family-no showers there!

shockers · 10/02/2010 14:36

Hang on... bathing with your own kids is not the same as knakedly sharing a shower with a strange family... is it?

Morloth · 10/02/2010 14:40

I am on both threads saying bathing is OK and that nudity for mixed changing rooms is fine with me as well - just don't care, DS's eyes are unlikely to be burned out by the sight of a naked women.

Do the people who think that 9-10year old boys are having inappropriate thoughts about and leering at adult women they see in the changing room also believe that 9-10year old girls are having the same ones about men? Or are we back to "all men are predators"?

bronze · 10/02/2010 14:42

I find it odd that we get threads about how a man was unreasonable taking pics of his own kids at th epark but its ok for a man to get his todger out in front of one if theyre at the swimming pool