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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think he should not be on incapacity benefit

134 replies

doodles31 · 08/02/2010 14:26

My ex has been off work for about 8 months now with depression and anxiety. I am dubious to the severity of his problem as he seems capable to do most things. If someone were severely depressed then would they be capable of going to Florida for 2 weeks (paid for by his parents) or aibu to even question it? To me, incapacitated means just that, how can you be capable of leaving your home/routine, getting on a plane, walking round disneyland going on rides for 2 weeks but not of working. I believe that he has given up on the idea of work because he knows that it wouldnt be worth it. If he worked he would have to pay csa money for his 4 children, quite frankly, I think hes trying to get away with not paying it, or have i entirely got the wrong idea of incapacity benefit and who/what its for?

OP posts:
TheSmallClanger · 08/02/2010 14:31

If you really think he is claiming fraudulently, then report him.

However, this is a tricky issue and I expect some people won't agree with this.

bubblagirl · 08/02/2010 14:32

yabu i think depression should not be thought of lightly he didnt scam benefits and pay for a holiday his parents were probably really worried and sent him to cheer him up

i had depression and was on incapacity i was still fully functioning to the rest of the world but not in my head

they dont give incapacity as lightly these days you have several meetings etc if they felt he was well enough to work they would have sent him back

Original poster
doodles31 · 08/02/2010 14:33

I wouldnt report him, that wouldnt help anyone, im fairly sure it wouldnt encourage him back to work, am just a bit frustrated i suppose that me and my partner work all hours to support ourselves and his children while he does nothing.

OP posts:
bubblagirl · 08/02/2010 14:34

and just to add my friend has ad depression for years and is unable to work she has been written off she is able to go on holidays etc she appears perfectly "normal" but she has lots of issues that anyone without depression would not understand behind closed doors a different person

Original poster
doodles31 · 08/02/2010 14:36

bubblagirl, would you be able to go on a holiday though, would your illness not mean that you couldnt? Im not being funny but Im pretty sure that if I looked up all the symptoms I would be able to give all the answers that were expected of me if I wanted them to give me incapacity, hes a pretty good actor.

OP posts:
Original poster
doodles31 · 08/02/2010 14:38

x post sorry

OP posts:
junglist1 · 08/02/2010 14:39

When I had depression I was able to go on holidays but some days wasn't capable of getting into the swing of things.

GypsyMoth · 08/02/2010 14:40

depression!! depression is actually quite rare.....its just that gp's cant properly diagnose it so hand out anti d's willy nilly,declaring 'depression'

true depression needs to be properly diagnosed....by a psychiatrist,which the nhs cant afford for everyone tipping up at the gp saying 'i'm depressed'

my ex masquearaded as depressed for years....a psych assessment meant he's now been exposed and chucked off incapacity and onto jsa.....and he's already told me he will never work and never pay for his 4 kids

expatinscotland · 08/02/2010 14:41

He'll be kicked off pretty soon. It's Employment and Support Allowance now and is very difficult to get.

bubblagirl · 08/02/2010 14:41

some people are very good at acting but gp's dont dx depression that easily now days not my gp anyway i was few yrs back and i was bale to force myself to function behind closed doors i fell apart my gp told me to go on holiday different atmosphere change of scenery worries left behind etc help with the feeling good part of things

if you feel his acting then i really feel for you but depression isnt always obvious to the eye its what goes on behind closed doors when no one else can see

Rantagonist · 08/02/2010 14:41

Am I right in presuming this has less to do with Incapacity Benefit and more to do with your relationship, or lack of, with your ex?

Trickle · 08/02/2010 14:41

YBVVVU Grow Up! It won't be IB anyway - they don't do that anymore it will be ESA, lot harder to get and he is probably still in the assesment phase - where he is paid JSA rates, he'll be doing work-focused interviews and will have had to tell the job center about going away.

Sorry but this is a bug bear of mine - it's not an easy benefit to get, it's stressful and hard and makes people iller. You have no idea about it clearly - and going on holiday is probably a very blummin good thing for a depressed person to do. I'm fuming you are so petty and small minded.

How do you know exactly what he did when he got there - were you following him, have you had severe depression, do you have a clue?

Of course those of us who can, shop, go to a cafe and have a coffee, get on a bus should get off our bums and get back to work - how dare we claim. Hardest benefit test in Europe and you STILL complain. I sincerely hope you never ever in your life have the wake up call that is getting sick in this country - you will be back on these boards complaining about all the money you paid in and can now get no help.

Original poster
doodles31 · 08/02/2010 14:45

okay so this is probably going to sound really contentious now and probably show how little I know but, if you stop working does that really help your depression? I mean, then you see less of people and are more detached from the real world than ever before so is it not a better idea for people to be helped into work that they can manage rather than just signed off? Also his now girlfriend is also on incapacity for the same thing (he got signed off after he got together with her) is it a common thing that people with depression get together or might she have have edged him towards applying for the benfit (im just going to get slated now I know but I am being honest in my feelings, I cant help it)

OP posts:
Rantagonist · 08/02/2010 14:47

at the way you're trying to attack your ex through his and his gf illness doodles, if he's a wanker then pick on him being a wanker. I'm not saying he's not putting it on, but what you've just said does look pretty bad.

Original poster
doodles31 · 08/02/2010 14:48

rant...i promise you, youre wrong, im in a lovely relationship and have been for 8 years, youre way off.

trickle, i know i have no idea of it, thats why i asked? go rant about your bugbear if you like but dont personally insult someone you dont know...you dont know the full situation either actually.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 08/02/2010 14:49

I'll be very honest here.

I have suffered from pretty severe post-natal depression that has now moved on into chronic depression going on 7 years.

It was a lot better when I worked, tbh.

I'm going back out to work as soon as DH goes on days in March I don't care what it's doing.

You have to be very ill, IMO, not to be able to work at all - sectionable, basically, because if you are that ill, you're probably too ill to look after children properly.

Just my opinion and I'm sure I'll get flamed for it.

But whatevas, there it is.

weegiemum · 08/02/2010 14:49

doodles I can't comment on your ex.

But I can say that you are totally unaware of the nature of depression!

MrsVidic · 08/02/2010 14:50

I went on holiday when I was very ill (just got out of an eating disorders hospital) it was just what I needed.

YABU- should he stay at home with the curtains drawn wallowing in self pitty? Would you prefer that? How would that effect your children? Or would you prefer him to return to work when he really isn't ready and end up worse?

Perhaps this holiday is what he needs- to get some head space. IMHO the stigma and judgement that comes with a diagnosis of mental illness is not worth any money. I'm sure he would love to be back at work and your attitude (if you express this to him) is probably going to make things worse

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny · 08/02/2010 14:50

Poor bloke. Depression's a horrible condition to have, he doesn't need crap like this to be honest. He's your ex, you shouldn't be interfering.

ErikaMaye · 08/02/2010 14:50

Yes, all of us with mental health conditions club together and decide it would be bloody good fun to apply for benefits.

I'm guessing you've never been ill with depression or the like.

GypsyMoth · 08/02/2010 14:51

these types of men/fathers do exist tho

csa rates for 4 kids was 25% when i split with my ex.....he says he wont attempt to work again til that figure comes down

its not uncommon.....and 'depression' is probably easier to fake than any other illness

expatinscotland · 08/02/2010 14:51

It may be, too, that I come from a country with very limited welfare system.

It's not the best.

But nor is the other extreme, IYKWIM.

gramercy · 08/02/2010 14:56

The trouble is with depression is that it's like the old bad back thing - you can't see it. I know people who have had severe depression. Dh's niece, for example, has not spoken for a year and cannot function at all. She would be utterly incapable of holding down a job. Someone else I know managed to get signed off work with depression for months because their father had died. I was not impressed with the GP there - I mean, doesn't everyone's father die at some point? I can't say I was exactly ecstatic when my father died. In fact I was devasted. But if everyone who ever suffered a bereavement of a parent tipped up at the doctor's claiming depression... well, there wouldn't be a worker left on the entire planet.

GypsyMoth · 08/02/2010 14:57

does he pay anything at all towards his children??

nickschick · 08/02/2010 14:59

I think it very much depends on what your persona is and how you handle your depression - im not depressed but expat you come across as a strong personality and you can see than an outside life would be more beneficial to your recovery however I do know people who literally couldnt go to work they are that depressed and to be fair its very isolating for them.