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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think he should not be on incapacity benefit

134 replies

doodles31 · 08/02/2010 14:26

My ex has been off work for about 8 months now with depression and anxiety. I am dubious to the severity of his problem as he seems capable to do most things. If someone were severely depressed then would they be capable of going to Florida for 2 weeks (paid for by his parents) or aibu to even question it? To me, incapacitated means just that, how can you be capable of leaving your home/routine, getting on a plane, walking round disneyland going on rides for 2 weeks but not of working. I believe that he has given up on the idea of work because he knows that it wouldnt be worth it. If he worked he would have to pay csa money for his 4 children, quite frankly, I think hes trying to get away with not paying it, or have i entirely got the wrong idea of incapacity benefit and who/what its for?

OP posts:
harimosmummy · 09/02/2010 21:45

doodles - I have to say, I know just what you are talking about.

my Dh's ex had 'depression' and couldn't work right up until a court said that, if she did work, her money didn't have to be included in the court order (so my DH still had to act like she wasn't working - even if she was... )

As soon as that got ordered, she got a job.... and then tried to get DH to pay MORE money to pay for childcare

You aren't complaining about people with depression at all. You are complaining about someone who you know well is playing the system for all it's worth.

doodles31 · 09/02/2010 21:49

hoorah,... harimos you get me!!!! what a complete idiot!!!

OP posts:
ErikaMaye · 09/02/2010 22:24

Kaloki is right. I'm sorry if I have been over sensitive - I am having a really tough time of it right now and all I'm hearing is "Get a grip - you'll been "ill" for ages. You should know how to handle this now". So some of your comments have struck a nerve with me, which are probably more delicate than normal. Best wishes. x

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 09/02/2010 22:28

Doodles - if you had mentioned the blackberry, the new car and the bragging about the holiday in your first post, I would have seen more reason for your scepticism.

And I accept that, in the main, you were talking about your husband not all people with depression, but when I mentioned going to art class and choir, your reply said:

"...how come if you are depressed you can 'force' yourself to do things that are nice such as go to choir, art class (wish I had the time or energy to those things) but not the things that arent so nice?"

Of course I read that as being aimed at me and disbelieving me.

And harimos - I have read one or two of your posts on here, and I hope that you have read mine, especially the first one where I am trying to describe my life, so that you can maybe understand how debilitating depression can be. There are other personal accounts on here that say the same thing. Please read them, and try tp see how insensitive, simplistic and downright wrong you were when you said:

"Sorry, but am I the only one who is a bit at the number of people who have 'depression' and cannot cope with work but their 'depression' doesn't extend to holiday and the nice things in life."

As I said to doodles, if you could walk a few miles in my shoes, and feel how I feel, you would not say such things.

doodles31 · 09/02/2010 22:33

sorry, its extremely difficult to mention the extent of an ex's crapness in one thread...especially without being accused of still having a thing for him
if i had have said everything about him i probably would have been told i was appalling for 'strapping' his other faults onto his depression.

OP posts:
harimosmummy · 09/02/2010 22:51

SDTG - that's why I agree with doodles though... I can't walk in your shoes. I don't understand how you feel (sorry) and so it's difficult for me to empathise with that.

I'm not trying to justify what I wrote.. more to explain it, IYSWIM. When I wrote that, I firmly had my Dh's ex in mind.

Because I don't suffer from depression, it's easy to write something based on one instance / example and not realise how that might sound to others. I stand by the fact that my Dh's ex (and others - the OP's ex for instance) know how to play the system and do so.

Does that make sense? As I said, I'm not trying to say it's right, just that it's not meant in a negative way to the people here (or anywhere else, really) and I would like to think that, sometimes, threads like this can positively educate others.

harimosmummy · 09/02/2010 22:52

Doodles - I'm nodding at your 'it's difficult to mention the extent of an ex's crapness in one thread'...

Couldn't agree more!!

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 09/02/2010 23:04

Harimosmummy - you can't walk in my shoes, but I hope my story and the others on here have given you some more insight into depression. For example, it is possible to be depressed and go on holiday - the depression simply goes with you, and the holiday is in shades of grey too.

I have managed to read some more posts on this thread, and I don't like the sound of doodles' ex at all. I don't know if he has depression or not, but if half what she says is true, he is certainly an unpleasant jerk who is letting his kids down.

I force myself to do things for the children - they are my priority, depression or no. I might not be able to get myself a lunch, but I will cook for them. I force myself out to go to school things like concerts and parents evenings because it is my responsibility as a parent.

Depressed or not, doodles' ex is not living up to his responsibilities. In his shoes, even if depressed, I would at least get a part time job, or would offer to look after the children whilst my ex was working, to free up more of her income for the children.

Kaloki · 09/02/2010 23:19

ErikaMaye I know how you feel right now, I feel like someone has taken sandpaper to my emotions right now. While at the same time filled my body with lead.

doodles I hope things get easier wrt to your kids. At least they have you, even if he is skirting his responsibilities.

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