To "use up" a home start volunteer for myself...

[Bathsheba]

3 months ago I was really ill - I had bi-lateral (used to be called double) pneumonia, and swine flu, all whilst being 7 months pregnant. I was very ill but they wouldn't admit me to hopsital or give me anything other than standard gp care etc...

While I was ill I contacted my midwife and HV because I was in a position where my DH needed to go back to work (and go abroad for a number of days) but I couldn't look after my children - I was too ill. They looked into various options for me including Social Services Childminding but in the end my Dh was able to take 2 weeks dependants leave. However, at this point my Hv referred me to Home Start so that I would have some support if anything like that ever happened again.

I have since had my baby and I'm almost fully recovered from my c-section but my Dh is off back to work on Monday. I have 3 dds - 1 is ages 6 and at school full time, DD2 is 3 and goes to playgroup for 3 sessions a week and DD3 is 3 weeks old and is yummy.

The Home Start Co-ordinator phoned and said they now have a volunteer for me who can come and see me for a few hours a week and either give me a hand round the house, or look after the baby etc while I go and have a shower for example.

I feel really torn...I guess I'm a fairly typical middle class SAHM - my DH comes home every night (often at 6:30 - 7 but he is here every day apart from the odd business trip abroad) and my Mum is local. I also have a cleaner for a few hours once a week, which means the place isn't permanantly like a show home but it means that the bathrooms etc are regularly cleaned. I drive and have access to a car every day so we get out and about and I can take the girls to their activities. They have extra things like tennis lessons and ballet which, yes its sometimes a bit of a hassle to take them to, but at the end of the day these are optional things we have chosen for them to do and really I can't complain about them...

However the idea of someone coming round so I can have a LONG shower during the day, and maybe get a chance to tidy the bigger girls's room sounds fantastic - when my Mum is round I don't really do those types of things because she is here with me and we do things together....although I'm sure she'd watch the girls if I ask.

I had PND after DD1 was born, and PTSD after DD2 was born, so I can see why my HV is keen to surround me with support, but I feel a fraud taking a much needed volunteer away from possibly a single Mum or someone with little local family support, or a Mum without the opportunities I have.

The Home Start Co-ordinator is coming round to see me on Monday afternoon to discuss things and I'm really wondering if I should embrace the opportunity and say thank you, or if I should really explain that I feel a bit of a fraud and I understand her volunteers are like gold dust and someone more deserving really should have this volunteers time rather than me...

For the record I wasn't being bitter & nasty and I don't have a hair shirt. I'm genuinely curious and puzzled why services are so much better in one place than another. Also what I have to say to get help.

We moved last October, signed on with new GP, haven't heard from health visitor yet despite calling them twice. GP had prescribed ADs for PND but that's it.

Some people seem to get loads of help and attention from social services and some get none. I don't know why.

Kathy if you have a homestart (they have a website) get out on the list. If you don't ask you can't bitch about other people getting help.

If you don't have one in your area well- every one started with someone setting it up. Doesn't sound like it's right for you ATM, you have enough on your plate (been there with most of it BTW- it does get better,even if it doesn't sound likely- our luck changed when the house went I think, and 6 years and another redundancy on things are looking better long term, if not in the immeidate).

Nights out matter. I hardly get any either, 2 in 3 years- 2 disabled kids and different but equal issues with babysitters (only Mum can take the asd duo, she can't as my sister's DH is seriously ill and she has their children instead,quite rightly, so sis can work) but they do help lots with relationships and helping keep on top of things. We now get respite (paid for by DH's University) twomornings a week,and wetry to get a coffee together furing that and the difference is just ridiculous.

But really allI can say kathy is, if you had approached me,or your HV had, I would have tried to find you a volunteer. You pretty much fit the profileofabout 30% of my formerfmaillies,others were in hiding from DV, ill in other ways,disabled kids etc. There was absolutely no barr to anyone based onanything other than was there a HS in their area, and wewouldn't have had that I expect except there simply were not enough volunteers to reach outside the area wewereset up to cover.

*equal in terms of absolute impossibility,clearly I am very lucky to have my Mumabout and realise that.

It's a charity kathyjelly- not SS - so will depend on how enthusiastic/how much money local 'branches' (or whatever HS call them) have.

HV role is changing, actually has changed- they are much more frontline child protection now. Unfortunately nothing has really replaced the listening ear/advice role that they used to play.

And help social services is very difficult to access wherever you are tbh.

Yes, yours sounds particularly crap riven.
It's one reason I refuse to move. DH would quite like to move closer to work but then we'd come under the most dreadful SS I've ever come across - so no, no way, especially having taken (literally) years to set up the respite package here.

Kathy sorry X posted.

HV's and services are notoriously variable across postcodes, forexample despite having the two boys I don't get socialservices input because ds1'sneedsraren'tclassed as a need, even though he is very agressive.DS3 attends an snu but he'snot even on the register as they just blank any mention of him we make.

It's bloody frustrating.

HS is a charity though so is entirely reliant on peoplesetting one up,so whilst I know frommy own experience not having one is a shame, its not a result of any postcodelottery I think,just luck.

Do have a look on that website though.

Socialservices- the only way you can get help is yo phone andsay youare close to crisis. It's a lifetime fight to get help from them, one I am failing at badly myself becuase I can't yell crisis (too much dignity). Three'ssomany tales of them being uselss I can'teven start with it-my friend whose almost-adult son needs a 24/7input forexample and who had a palcement set up via LEAand SSD and now won't know if hew can go until 10 days before as SSD failed to agree to fudning and meeting has been delayed until then. They told her they generally only helppeople who will be in crisis or are abuvive,even with post-16 disability residential and educational care now. On which basis I am assumedly stuffed and caring utnil I drop dead, but hey ho.

MrsT its a scheme IIRC.

Same thing, natch.

It's similar to a franchise system in that they are local but have acentral system with plenty of training and support as well.

It's ahrd to know where topalce yourselfWRT toprovision isn't it?

here,although the school is a big issue 9again) I would say on balance LEA is one of the best I have encountered (clearly that isn't necessarily sameas useful- just relatively so PMSL)- but SSD arenon-existent.They know ds3 would qualify so the only acknowledgement they ever madewas to look at himonce years ago and say 'Oh I know about autism, he's not autistic'.

DS1's aggression was written off as 'quite likes attention'. Not linkes to school at all then?Coz that'sodd as TA support allbutpulled two weeks ago (emeergency review underway) and we're through roof with it. Sent ds3 in bruised today FFS.

I'dgladly moefordecent SSD but not at expense of the LEA and ofcourse the chance for ds2to stay with his mates for compinlieu of sibling support.

I don't think HS wuould be part of that but I think the Organisers would be able to fuind a way of enabling that thorugh SSD or another specialised charity IYSWIM. Service linking is a big part of the job.

Riv, being close to crisis here means you took your childeithret to them or say a GP and walked away, as a friend did.

If you can'twalk away you're stuffed.

Clealrly we'renowhere as in need as yourfamily but I am pig sick of wandering whether it is crueller towalk away albeit for maybe an hour for ds1 and scar himpermanently (he is ten now after all and would know) or let ds3 who can'treally defend himself get the brunt.

The asnwer is I am fucked whatever,may as well accept it.

GP Surgery would be closer but you'dahve to be desperate,friendwas as her childdidn't stops creaming for months and she had very severe PND.

They wouldn't take her away,how much would that cost? They would ds1 as he looks so NT but they'd soon learn. nevertheless its the reaon I gave up trying.

Riven, I've nothing helpful to say, but I'm thinking of you.

There are some shockingly bitchy and incredibly nasty posts on here from 'well respected' MNers and I think they should be ashamed of themselves.
Fact is, I agree with their POV which is that the OP probably doesn't need the HS volunteer (as I think the OP herself does, there is no sense of entitlement as far as I can tell) but by behaving like spiteful schoolgirls with no sense of empathy they have completely wrecked their arguments.

thanks crackfox have sent homestart an email
to see if they can offer support in any way!

There are some horrific comments on this thread. Hope the OP has read and taken on board the majority of supportive posts.

OP - if you are still around, then all I will say is let the co ordinator make the assessment and go with the help if they recommend that you need it. As much as posters on here may rant about others who are more worthy - it is the person who has a face to face conversation with you who will truely be able to assess your requirements. Not a bunch of people sat on their PC's.
And please ignore the truely vitriolic posts on here...heaven forbid that any middle class mummies get PND and need help...

Riven I would come and give you respite if I could (and for free) but you're half a world away, sadly. I read a lot of your posts on here and even though you've been through some really shit stuff you've not given up and you still come across as an incredibly warm and positive person with a sense of humour - heaven only knows how!

Ah, it's because Riven is speshul. Only speshul people have speshul kids, dontcha know?

Yeah you don't know me Riven but you come across like a really nice person. Despite everything you still have it in you to advise others.