To "use up" a home start volunteer for myself...

[Bathsheba]

3 months ago I was really ill - I had bi-lateral (used to be called double) pneumonia, and swine flu, all whilst being 7 months pregnant. I was very ill but they wouldn't admit me to hopsital or give me anything other than standard gp care etc...

While I was ill I contacted my midwife and HV because I was in a position where my DH needed to go back to work (and go abroad for a number of days) but I couldn't look after my children - I was too ill. They looked into various options for me including Social Services Childminding but in the end my Dh was able to take 2 weeks dependants leave. However, at this point my Hv referred me to Home Start so that I would have some support if anything like that ever happened again.

I have since had my baby and I'm almost fully recovered from my c-section but my Dh is off back to work on Monday. I have 3 dds - 1 is ages 6 and at school full time, DD2 is 3 and goes to playgroup for 3 sessions a week and DD3 is 3 weeks old and is yummy.

The Home Start Co-ordinator phoned and said they now have a volunteer for me who can come and see me for a few hours a week and either give me a hand round the house, or look after the baby etc while I go and have a shower for example.

I feel really torn...I guess I'm a fairly typical middle class SAHM - my DH comes home every night (often at 6:30 - 7 but he is here every day apart from the odd business trip abroad) and my Mum is local. I also have a cleaner for a few hours once a week, which means the place isn't permanantly like a show home but it means that the bathrooms etc are regularly cleaned. I drive and have access to a car every day so we get out and about and I can take the girls to their activities. They have extra things like tennis lessons and ballet which, yes its sometimes a bit of a hassle to take them to, but at the end of the day these are optional things we have chosen for them to do and really I can't complain about them...

However the idea of someone coming round so I can have a LONG shower during the day, and maybe get a chance to tidy the bigger girls's room sounds fantastic - when my Mum is round I don't really do those types of things because she is here with me and we do things together....although I'm sure she'd watch the girls if I ask.

I had PND after DD1 was born, and PTSD after DD2 was born, so I can see why my HV is keen to surround me with support, but I feel a fraud taking a much needed volunteer away from possibly a single Mum or someone with little local family support, or a Mum without the opportunities I have.

The Home Start Co-ordinator is coming round to see me on Monday afternoon to discuss things and I'm really wondering if I should embrace the opportunity and say thank you, or if I should really explain that I feel a bit of a fraud and I understand her volunteers are like gold dust and someone more deserving really should have this volunteers time rather than me...

Are Homestart volunteers also for having a chat to? I could see with your previous problems with PND and DH's MH issues etc, that that could be really helpful.

Excuse my ignorance but Home Start was invented after my DCs were little, or I never heard about it.

What EXACTLY do home start volunteers do? and not do?

i think not

pay someone

I had support person (similar to Homestart, it was in Germany) after the birth of DS. I had a CS and had no support. At the time that I applied for the help, I had not been diagnosed with PND.

I had a cleaner and a DH who regularly worked away from home. So similar to the OP's sitution, but my mum could only come for a week or two.

Why should someone not get support that might mean that she does not suffer from PND (as she had after previous births) just because she can afford a cleaner?

Why are only single mums or mums on low incomes allowed to apply for support?

Isn't homestart government funded? Presumably the OP's DH is paying taxes. Why shoudl they not take advantage of support that is available?

Valhalla - can I just point out again that I didn't ASK for this and I haven't pursued it in any way. I actually had no idea (or certainly no recollection of being told but I was very ill) I had been referred to Homestart by my HV in October when Iw as ill until the co-ordinator phoned me up last week.

My HV referred me, I haven't asked for this help and I can see that very much the consensus is that I should very quickly turn it down when the Co-ordinator comes to see me.

Bloody hell.
I've heard it all now.

I think that it would be goo to meet with the Homestart lady to discuss what they can offer wrt your previous struggles with PND and PTSD.

Think the whole shower/tidying thing is a bit of a red herring.

How old were your babies when you became ill before? It may be that you don't need the help now, but can keep the option open in case you are struggling further down the line. Hopefully not, but may be good to have a safety net.

Hi TraumaQueen

From what I know of Home Start (the co-ordinator came to our PND group a few years ago), the volunteers can do a lot of things - they can look after the baby/children while you do something, or in some cases they can practically help with things like housework. Sometimes they can just sit and talk, or help you play with the children...generally for a couple of hours a week.

Thats what I was told a few years ago.

but if you want a cleaner
pay a cleaner

surely the amount of people for " shower facilitation" are limited.

fgs all of us have a life like you - kids stuff to do
h who works etc

Bathsheba, did you read my posts? Don't decide this based on strangers on the internet who don't know the ins and outs of your situation.

I agree with Valhalla. On top of that I think that someone to "have a chat to" is something most new mums could do with! Sadly there won't be enough funding for everyone though and those most needing it should be top priority, not someone that has a cleaner, local support etc. Maybe you could think about hiring a nanny/childminder so you could have a shower and tidy up? Or get your dh to do more, he's a parent too.

I can completely see why you needed help at the time you asked for it. But now your mum is around, would she not provide the help and support that you need? I don;t know anything about your relationship of course. But having a local and helpful parent would seem to me the best sort of support.

I'd just lay it on the line with the co-ordinator and let her make her decision about how she deploys her resources.

I disagree, with your history of PND and PTSD at the moment you are still probably full of newborn fueled hormones. Speak to the co ordinator and she will probably advise someone to be able to give you moral support. Perhaps someone to come and look after the baby / talk to you whilst you clean rooms etc.

Be frank, but do not try to do too much. It may be that rather than a long term case you are just helped for a few weeks.

I am a Homestart volunteer and I wouldn't mind if you had a shower whilst I looked after the baby. I have, in the past, offered practical and/or emotional support.

Realistically if you have previously had PND you are at a greater risk of developing it again. Perhaps your HV has arranged more support for you to prevent this happening.

Why not try your volunteer for a week or two and see how you get on?

DD1 was 5 months old when I as diagnosed with PND - my diagnosis of PTSD came when my DD2 was about 9 months old but I guess I had suffered from almost immediately after her birth - it took a long time for me to get counelling etc set up.

I'm thinking of leaving this now - comments like "I've heard it all now" haven't really helped me - like I say this is NOT sometimg I've asked for or am trying to "claim" - its something I was referred for by my HV - however I think I'm being painted as some sort of lazy demanding diva who should clearly be able to cope a darn sight better, or should pay for lots of things (even though we don't actually have money to pay for nannies etc).

I'll explain to the Co-ordinator that, whilst my HV is lovely and is very good at her job, she was clearly wrong to refer me.

Homestart gets govt funding for its administrative activities (training, accreditation, recruitment etc), but the volunteers (obv.) are not paid.

Homestart volunteers visit/befriend parents of children under 5 and offer any emotional support that's needed, as well as advising on take-up of benefits and other available support.

JodieO I disagree, even Mums who have money can use a bit of emotional support/listening and are as entitled to it as someone who is poor.

Money cannot buy mental health and can back you into a corner where you put on a show so that it looks like you are coping/doing just fine when that is not in fact the case.

hmmm as someone who's pnd never set in until ds's were 3/4 months old I think it would be wise to have some stand-by help for emotional support but right now my gut feeling is free up the volunteer for someone else

I have help from a homestart volunteer once a week - like you, I worried a bit that I was not a "top priority" and explained this to the co-ordinator, said I was worried that I'd be depriving someone else. She was very reassuring and said that they would make the call about who is most in need and since we had that conversation, I have not worried about it - I assume taht if they were struggling to find enough volunteers to support more "deserving" cases, then they'd reassess whether I should continue to receive help. I think you need to talk through your concerns and then accept any help offered with a clear conscience - they wouldn't be offering if they didn't feel it might be helpful to you and your family.

Can't believe some people are being so nasty!

Morloth I wasn't referring to emotional support as the op she has her op and her mother locally to support her. Obviously money has no bearing on whether you need emotional support or not, I'm not that stupid/hard hearted! I was simply referring to the fact that she, seemingly, wants to use the home start services to tidy and shower.

I've suffered in the past and on and off with (quite serious) mental health issues so I'm no stranger to that and can completely understand the need for support in those cases, it was that she said she already had support which made me say that.

Personally I don't think I'm being nasty, just responding to what's been said, I also said she should explain everything ie the help she already has to them and take it from there.