To "use up" a home start volunteer for myself...

[Bathsheba]

3 months ago I was really ill - I had bi-lateral (used to be called double) pneumonia, and swine flu, all whilst being 7 months pregnant. I was very ill but they wouldn't admit me to hopsital or give me anything other than standard gp care etc...

While I was ill I contacted my midwife and HV because I was in a position where my DH needed to go back to work (and go abroad for a number of days) but I couldn't look after my children - I was too ill. They looked into various options for me including Social Services Childminding but in the end my Dh was able to take 2 weeks dependants leave. However, at this point my Hv referred me to Home Start so that I would have some support if anything like that ever happened again.

I have since had my baby and I'm almost fully recovered from my c-section but my Dh is off back to work on Monday. I have 3 dds - 1 is ages 6 and at school full time, DD2 is 3 and goes to playgroup for 3 sessions a week and DD3 is 3 weeks old and is yummy.

The Home Start Co-ordinator phoned and said they now have a volunteer for me who can come and see me for a few hours a week and either give me a hand round the house, or look after the baby etc while I go and have a shower for example.

I feel really torn...I guess I'm a fairly typical middle class SAHM - my DH comes home every night (often at 6:30 - 7 but he is here every day apart from the odd business trip abroad) and my Mum is local. I also have a cleaner for a few hours once a week, which means the place isn't permanantly like a show home but it means that the bathrooms etc are regularly cleaned. I drive and have access to a car every day so we get out and about and I can take the girls to their activities. They have extra things like tennis lessons and ballet which, yes its sometimes a bit of a hassle to take them to, but at the end of the day these are optional things we have chosen for them to do and really I can't complain about them...

However the idea of someone coming round so I can have a LONG shower during the day, and maybe get a chance to tidy the bigger girls's room sounds fantastic - when my Mum is round I don't really do those types of things because she is here with me and we do things together....although I'm sure she'd watch the girls if I ask.

I had PND after DD1 was born, and PTSD after DD2 was born, so I can see why my HV is keen to surround me with support, but I feel a fraud taking a much needed volunteer away from possibly a single Mum or someone with little local family support, or a Mum without the opportunities I have.

The Home Start Co-ordinator is coming round to see me on Monday afternoon to discuss things and I'm really wondering if I should embrace the opportunity and say thank you, or if I should really explain that I feel a bit of a fraud and I understand her volunteers are like gold dust and someone more deserving really should have this volunteers time rather than me...

And actually I know for a fact that HS don't use economic status as a criteria. I was invited to a playgroup by my HSV - it was lovely. Inclusive, high ratio of helpers to parents so that I could let DD1 play without watching her like a hawk, lovely healthy snack time for the children.

My sister (at that time) was a single parent, on benefits, child under 2 and pregnant. I said come to this playgroup! She came, enjoyed it, but a co-ordinator tactfully told her that whilst she was welcome this time, she wouldn't be able to come again unless she was a service user.

I was told that if they opened the doors, so to speak, they would be flooded and unable to provide the level of support they aim for. So they restrict it to families currently visited by a volunteer.

fwiw, in our Home Start area we are advised not to be alone with the kids for any length of time- not for the time it takes to have a shower or tidy a room.

this was because of people making claims of abuse against volunteers

we're supposed to be there with the mother and the children- to help her take the kids out, access local services, groups etc- and just to listen.

tbh if someone plonked a baby on me and trotted off to do other stuff, I wouldn't be very comfortable or happy about it myself.

I do understand that HS has evolved to be different things in different areas though...

V. true

An anomaly of the sure start modelthough is that there oftena re pockets of quite well offareas within the catchment-all of whom are entitled to access the resources, and they do.

It did sometimes seem ashame that 2/3 of the deprivation index rated areas were covered by SS but not the third,yet some people living in rather nice 4 bed detacheds could get help.

I don't necessarily think the better off people shouldn't be able to get it BTW, just that it was bloody hard saying no topeople in real poverty and straits based on a postcode. The area that didn't get it was probably the least served by any resource tbh,I never quite understtod that.

Lou the group I ran as a separate service- we had a mix of famillies on our active books and on the waiitng lists,sometimes we just accceptedreferrals forfamily group.

It was a lovely group- biscuits (we gave up on healthy snnacks,they were never eaten), a play worker, chat and tea for parents- but really under utilised. It was a fair old walk for some parents though which was at least part of it.

Oh, the snacks were toast - freshly made with margarine, marmite, honey, jam & marmalade on the table, with the helpers assisting the children to spread their own slices - and grapes, banana & kiwi.

Goodness i tried everything and only biscuits workes, the kids would pile and the parents would be all 'oh you don't eat those do you?- cheese, breadsticks, fruit- whatever.

It was probably about 7 years ago though, i think children are more used to the healthy eating message now and schools are more restrictive so peopleexpect it.

Wasn't my job to judge or preach though, if buiscuits helped break the ice then biscuits it was. In fact I had quite a nice line in unusual biscuits going when I left.

I don't quite get this olden golden days thing when all support was supposed to come from family/the community. Didn't people rely rather heavily on the church in those days- so not just family? And what are homestart volunteers if not members of the community?

Crikey

IMHO - anything that may possibly help in the fight against PND is worthwhile. I would have given anything for someone (who was removed from the situation, ie not mum, friend or DH) to talk to, even for 30 minutes a week.

I speak from experience as my PND lasted 6 years.

It really doesn't sound like you need the service as much as others may.

For those saying get a nanny or a mothers help in do you have any idea what's involved in finding and employing a nanny?

Agency fees for placements are horrendous, even more so for short-term jobs, and they just send you a bunch of CVs they may or may not have checked out, you then need to interview and find someone you like who is happy with the job, then register as an employer to pay tax and ni which, seeing as it would be part time would be doubly complex as nanny would likely have another job, and finally manage them, encourage the children to actually play with the nanny so you can have some peace and quiet and stop yourself from bursting into tears on them because they're your employee and you need to keep it together.

Not exactly stress free and in all likelihood without the range of skills a homestart volunteer would have WRT spotting PND and knowing who to refer to if a problem did arise.

Incidentally if you got me through an agency I'd cost something like £20 an hour once you included fees.

A nanny is not what the OP needs right now. A post-natal doula could be an option if there is one locally but a volunteer sounds perfect to give her a bit of a break and someone to chat to.

Bathsheba - sorry, I haven't the time to read all 15 pages, especially as I assume a lot of it will be like the first couple of pages... (some selfish nasty posts in there too!)

Reading your OP it does sound like you are perhaphs using resources that could be better 'spent' elsewhere - however, having read many of your posts in the past, I know that your life isn't as 'easy' as it sounds in the OP. If you asked any of your friends in RL I would imagine they would say you should take some of the time being offered to you, kind of get in there before things get bad iyswim and see how you go.

Yes, there are probably other people in a worse situation that you, but if you don't take some help now, that might be you very quickly x

cory - when I was little, in the 1970s, there was a lot of "community support" going on and none of it was from the Church. Since most women with small children were not working outside the home and there was little in the way of institutional childcare, there was much more spontaneous neighbourliness. People had fewer cars and there weren't shopping centres - people shopped locally and generally had local activities. So they knew each other better and did more together.

Bonsoir, where I live there is still a lot of this kind of community support. Very friendly community, very tight knit, very easy to make friends. But my point was more that sometimes you need outside support, people who are not your family and friends, people who are not going to get terribly upset if you show them that you are struggling.

I have a large extended family and we're all extremely close to each other, I have lots of friends who care about me. And I still need a counsellor, somebody impersonal who isn't going to be upset if they see me cry and who is not personally affected by my problems. That was the role that used to be filled by the church.

And you are quite right, when we were little there was noone to fill that role- which meant that my mother struggled with depression for years, because the only people who could help her were too close to her.

The views on this thread drive some people to vote Tory you know! The idea that the only people who are deserving of help are the people who already get help

I agree!

What is it, 25% of the country are net contributers to and 75% are net beneficiaries of public funds? The next step is apparently that those who are net contributers must be denied any access at all to public services...

Bonsoir, Many people are net contributers and net beneficiaries of public funds at different stages of their lives.

When I was in my twenties I paid a hell of a lot of tax and never needed the nhs or schools or much else. I am sure that in my forties I will be in a similar position.

I think the OP really needs listening visits from her health visitor, but the number of health visitors have been cut.

Actually I think that net contributers get plenty out of the nhs. They tend to bright and articulate. Sometimes poor people lack the confidence to fight for what they need.

Wow, where do you live? I want help like that.

I've had PND for months, me & ds had swine flu for weeks, I've been made redundant, had to sell my house, move away from all friends and family. My & my dp's mothers are both dead so no help there. Oh and the people who bought my house threatened me with a solicitor and court action because I left the wood shed full of wood (?), which just topped up the stress nicely.

We've had one night out without ds in last seven months.

What am I doing wrong?

Not sure what the issue is with a shower. Ds plays on the bathroom floor while I shower or take a bath. I throw bubbles at him, he giggles. Why does anyone need help with that?

Kathyjelly have you spoken to your HV and asked for help ? Have you spoken to your GP ? Or do you just want someone to pass you a hair shirt now ?

Yes, Kathyjelly, instead of being bitter and nasty to the OP, why not ask for a Homestart volunteer for yourself as well?

For what it's worth OP, I would use the volunteer, you deserve it, you are only worrying about it because you are a nice person.

Having read the start of the thread I saw a lot of jealousy there IMO.

YANBU

Years Riven ? Years ??? I ain't been out since 1964 I blame the governmenet personally.

It has nothing to do with voting Tory at all

Those of us who actually worked for HS or still do say she is entitled to a volunteer

Those of us who really have been in at the deep end,trying to make budgets meet and fir 37 hour days into a 4 hour shift,you wouldn't beleive the things I used to do as part of the job I an assure you.

And several years later I oculd easily be any one of those people.

What some knowledge of thepeople who are involvedwith HS should tell you is that people don't always fit into neat categories- dynamic activist philanthropist can be loney recipient in just a few twists of fate.

A few lone voicrees saying dont get help has nothing todo with who actually gets help from an apolitical charity that had a very clear policy of not giving a damn what peoplesearned or where they lived. There will always be people against everything, its what happens that matters.