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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To "use up" a home start volunteer for myself...

439 replies

Bathsheba · 06/02/2010 18:04

3 months ago I was really ill - I had bi-lateral (used to be called double) pneumonia, and swine flu, all whilst being 7 months pregnant. I was very ill but they wouldn't admit me to hopsital or give me anything other than standard gp care etc...

While I was ill I contacted my midwife and HV because I was in a position where my DH needed to go back to work (and go abroad for a number of days) but I couldn't look after my children - I was too ill. They looked into various options for me including Social Services Childminding but in the end my Dh was able to take 2 weeks dependants leave. However, at this point my Hv referred me to Home Start so that I would have some support if anything like that ever happened again.

I have since had my baby and I'm almost fully recovered from my c-section but my Dh is off back to work on Monday. I have 3 dds - 1 is ages 6 and at school full time, DD2 is 3 and goes to playgroup for 3 sessions a week and DD3 is 3 weeks old and is yummy.

The Home Start Co-ordinator phoned and said they now have a volunteer for me who can come and see me for a few hours a week and either give me a hand round the house, or look after the baby etc while I go and have a shower for example.

I feel really torn...I guess I'm a fairly typical middle class SAHM - my DH comes home every night (often at 6:30 - 7 but he is here every day apart from the odd business trip abroad) and my Mum is local. I also have a cleaner for a few hours once a week, which means the place isn't permanantly like a show home but it means that the bathrooms etc are regularly cleaned. I drive and have access to a car every day so we get out and about and I can take the girls to their activities. They have extra things like tennis lessons and ballet which, yes its sometimes a bit of a hassle to take them to, but at the end of the day these are optional things we have chosen for them to do and really I can't complain about them...

However the idea of someone coming round so I can have a LONG shower during the day, and maybe get a chance to tidy the bigger girls's room sounds fantastic - when my Mum is round I don't really do those types of things because she is here with me and we do things together....although I'm sure she'd watch the girls if I ask.

I had PND after DD1 was born, and PTSD after DD2 was born, so I can see why my HV is keen to surround me with support, but I feel a fraud taking a much needed volunteer away from possibly a single Mum or someone with little local family support, or a Mum without the opportunities I have.

The Home Start Co-ordinator is coming round to see me on Monday afternoon to discuss things and I'm really wondering if I should embrace the opportunity and say thank you, or if I should really explain that I feel a bit of a fraud and I understand her volunteers are like gold dust and someone more deserving really should have this volunteers time rather than me...

OP posts:
HairyMaclary · 06/02/2010 18:09

Embrace the opportunity! Say thank you, use it for having a shower etc. If after 6 months (and they review it every 6 months) you feel you really no longer need your volunteer then say so. I had mine for 2.5 years, she was great!

policywonk · 06/02/2010 18:09

Aw, I think it's lovely of you to be concerned. The Homestart coordinators are used to assessing people and allocating their volunteers as they think best - as you say, they have good reasons for offering you a bit of extra support.

In your shoes I think I'd outline my concerns to the coordinator and see what she says. She might have some spare capacity and be happy to offer you a few hours each week, but if all her volunteers are working at full capacity maybe she can identify someone with a greater need.

Drooper · 06/02/2010 18:10

If you don't have PND or PTSD and are well, then clearly with the help from your mum and cleaner, I would guess you don't need Homestart.
But thanks for the laugh.

Amapoleon · 06/02/2010 18:10

I don't know much about home start as I live overseas but to me it sounds that there might be someone who needs it more.

MmeLindt · 06/02/2010 18:14

Drooper
that was unfair and unkind.

Bathsheba
Speak to the Home Start co-ordinator and say that while you would love to have a bit more help, you feel that you would not like to take a volunteer away from someone with absolutely no support. Then she can decide whether she has someone spare who could come and give you a hand.

MadameCastafiore · 06/02/2010 18:14

Bloody hell pay a nanny for a couple of hours a week - you can obviously afford it - am appalled that you would use up this resource when it could be applied elsewhere and really really make a difference to someones life not just enable them to have a long shower (something most mums get to do when their newborns are no longer newborns) and tidy a room - (FFS why can't you do that when baby is asleep and DD is at nursery?).

Drooper · 06/02/2010 18:18

MmeLindt
I thought I was being restrained....

Morloth · 06/02/2010 18:19

If you don't need the help, then don't take it. Only you can decide whether you need it or not.

On the shower thing, I have never understood this. Am I missing something? When I wanted a shower I would put DS somewhere safe (i.e cot) and go have one. Sometimes he was asleep/sometimes awake and sometimes he cried. I am not having a go, I am just wondering what I am missing as this comes up all the time.

Original poster
Bathsheba · 06/02/2010 18:21

I guess I should point out that I didn't ASK for a Home Start Volunteer and I've not in any way gone after this for myself - My HV referred me when I was ill, knowing my past issues.

And yes, I should be able to tidy the girls's room at another time - it just always seems to be the thing on the top of my To Do list that I never seem to get a chance to do, so when I was thinking as to what I'd use the time for, that was top of the list of things I need to get done.

I guess for many people the consensus is that I would be unreasonable to take this resource from someone who needs it more than me so that will be that point I'll put forward to the co-ordinator when she comes on Monday.

OP posts:
spybear · 06/02/2010 18:22

I used to be a home start volunteer and I would be pee'd off it all I was doing was childminding whilst you showered. Home start volunteers are meant to offer support to parents not babysit!

MmeLindt · 06/02/2010 18:22

OP is 3 weeks after a CS, had PND after first child and PTSD after second birth. Perhaps that is why the HV is keen for her to have some extra support.

Original poster
Bathsheba · 06/02/2010 18:23

Oh and I have a shower every day so I do manage to have a shower - I get up first in the morning before anyone else to do it....what I don;t really get a chance to do is ever have a LOOOONNNGGGG shower - you know, leg shaving, body lotion, toe nail clipping...

Once in a blue moon I'd love to be able to have a long shower.

OP posts:
Morloth · 06/02/2010 18:25

Not even once DH is home and kids in bed?

Don't worry about tidying the room, it will just get messy again. I find stuff reaches a level and then doesn't get any worse .

Lymond · 06/02/2010 18:25

Have you had PND with any of your other children OP? Your HV may feel that the support will help you to not get it again, if you are high risk?

Don't know why others are being quite so vitriolic.

I've been a homestart volunteer, and not everyone helped is a single parents on benefits who has escaped a violent partner, or whatever everyones preconceptions are. One client in particular, needed me there to chat to, more than anything else.

Your income makes you no less in need of resources of care than any other mum with children under 5 (the criteria).

Keep your chin up.

policywonk · 06/02/2010 18:25

I'm with Mme - surprised that people are being so nasty to someone who's three weeks post-partum and has a history of PND. The OP says clearly that she understands she might not be a hugely deserving case.

Drooper · 06/02/2010 18:27

OP appears to have support already.

Having a long shower and doing the tidying her cleaner doesn't have time for, wouldn't usually need a Homestart voulnteer. Unless this is an AIBU by stealth.

QandA · 06/02/2010 18:30

TBH, only you know how much you need the support, do you feel that without extra help you may find it difficult to cope?

You are in a good position and I do think there are more 'deserving' situations out there that the home start volunteers would truly make a big difference to, but as I say if you feel that this may prevent you from needing more intensive support at a later date, then perhaps you should speak to the coordinator and see what she says, otherwise just phone and say no.

JodieO · 06/02/2010 18:31

As long as you're honest with the home start workers and tell them that you do have support from your dh and mother and they still feel you need more support then I'd say that was fine. Personally, I'd feel quite bad about possibly taking a resource away from someone that may need it more just so I could shower (you can do that anyway), or tidy up (again, you can still do that). That's my personal opinion though.

Lymond · 06/02/2010 18:31

Ah, crossposts. Given that you've had pnd & ptsd, I think you should accept the volunteer. IF after a few weeks all you really can find to do is a long shoper and tidying DD's bedrooms, then bow out gracefully.
I wonder if your strong urge for time restoring order to your body and environment is indicative of you feeling in some turmoil or disorder internally? Maybe view the time more as getting a bit of headspace, by chatting things over with the volunteer, and going to see GP or counselor in that time if necessary?

Ultimately, if your mum can help you have that headspace then you don't need homestart, but can your mum commit to a regular time, and do you have a healthy relationship?

Original poster
Bathsheba · 06/02/2010 18:31

I have spoken to the Homestart Co-Ordinator on the phone and explained to her at this point that I knew I wasn't top priority as I had support...she suggested to me that one role that volunteers can fulfil is looking after the baby while I go and have a shower or just have some time and space to myself.

Just to clarify, I don't need the volunteer to tidy the girls's room...

I do have support, I know I do, from my DH (I guess this is slightl by stealth as he has previous MH problems and Aspergers, he was particularly ill with a lot of MHproblems when DD2 was born) and from my Mum, but when I was ill in October that, to some extent, wasn't there - my Mum was abroad on holiday and couldn't cancel and my Dh's work really needed him to go to norway for a week. In the end they managed to cancel that and rearrange things but in the future his work may not be able to be so accommodating if I need him at home.

OP posts:
JodieO · 06/02/2010 18:32

Oh and mention that you have a cleaner too.

QandA · 06/02/2010 18:33

BTW, congratulations on the birth of your DD

littleducks · 06/02/2010 18:33

I don't know, it doesn't sound like you need one from the circumstances wrt to cleaner etc.

However if you have developed PND and PTSD after the births of your previous children perhaps you need some 'moral support' this time. Tbh nobody but you can judgeabout that as only you know how you feel inside.

danceswithfools · 06/02/2010 18:34

I can see how you might need support if you have PND again. However, as it is you sound like you are no more in need of support than any other mum of a new baby. Why don't you explain everything to the co-ordinator and see what she says? Personally, I don't think I could justify it so that I could have a long shower. Also, you do have family nearby which is more than a lot of people have

Vallhala · 06/02/2010 18:35

"Once in a blue moon I'd love to be able to have a long shower".

------

You can. Perhaps your DH can remember that the children are his as well and care for them while you're in the shower?

Perhaps you can do so while the DC are asleep?

I only say this as I managed it and everything else necessary without HomeStart's help, despite having a c-section, a 19 month old, no husband, no family support and no cleaner. Like Morloth it's a simple case of put baby somewhere safe, eg cot, go have shower.

Sorry but I really feel that Home Start is for women in genuine need, and for when that need is a bit more than wanting to have a goddamn shower.