To "use up" a home start volunteer for myself...

[Bathsheba]

3 months ago I was really ill - I had bi-lateral (used to be called double) pneumonia, and swine flu, all whilst being 7 months pregnant. I was very ill but they wouldn't admit me to hopsital or give me anything other than standard gp care etc...

While I was ill I contacted my midwife and HV because I was in a position where my DH needed to go back to work (and go abroad for a number of days) but I couldn't look after my children - I was too ill. They looked into various options for me including Social Services Childminding but in the end my Dh was able to take 2 weeks dependants leave. However, at this point my Hv referred me to Home Start so that I would have some support if anything like that ever happened again.

I have since had my baby and I'm almost fully recovered from my c-section but my Dh is off back to work on Monday. I have 3 dds - 1 is ages 6 and at school full time, DD2 is 3 and goes to playgroup for 3 sessions a week and DD3 is 3 weeks old and is yummy.

The Home Start Co-ordinator phoned and said they now have a volunteer for me who can come and see me for a few hours a week and either give me a hand round the house, or look after the baby etc while I go and have a shower for example.

I feel really torn...I guess I'm a fairly typical middle class SAHM - my DH comes home every night (often at 6:30 - 7 but he is here every day apart from the odd business trip abroad) and my Mum is local. I also have a cleaner for a few hours once a week, which means the place isn't permanantly like a show home but it means that the bathrooms etc are regularly cleaned. I drive and have access to a car every day so we get out and about and I can take the girls to their activities. They have extra things like tennis lessons and ballet which, yes its sometimes a bit of a hassle to take them to, but at the end of the day these are optional things we have chosen for them to do and really I can't complain about them...

However the idea of someone coming round so I can have a LONG shower during the day, and maybe get a chance to tidy the bigger girls's room sounds fantastic - when my Mum is round I don't really do those types of things because she is here with me and we do things together....although I'm sure she'd watch the girls if I ask.

I had PND after DD1 was born, and PTSD after DD2 was born, so I can see why my HV is keen to surround me with support, but I feel a fraud taking a much needed volunteer away from possibly a single Mum or someone with little local family support, or a Mum without the opportunities I have.

The Home Start Co-ordinator is coming round to see me on Monday afternoon to discuss things and I'm really wondering if I should embrace the opportunity and say thank you, or if I should really explain that I feel a bit of a fraud and I understand her volunteers are like gold dust and someone more deserving really should have this volunteers time rather than me...

Good point justa

I'm a homestart volunteer and have been placed with three famillies in my time

I volunteered knowing I could be there for a chat, moral support, cleaning, helping with the weekly shop, letting the mum have a nap or a shower, accompanying to toddler group etc and I volunteered happily and willingly knowing that my small amount of time will help another mother.

I have done all those things in all my families and loved every minute. If the HV has put you forward, take it and forget what others on here are saying. It is two hours a week, termtime. All volunteers know what they are getting into thanks to the training course we do

I can't believe people are being so mean. Yes, lots cope with 3 little ones but how nice to have someone pop in, just for you and give you a little support. Go for it OP and make the most of it

Thirding justabout's idea being an excellent one.

This isn't really about having a long shower or or having clean bathrooms. (Not something I manage very often! ) This is about needing general support. None of us can tell from a few words on the internet if Bathsheba needs a Homestart volunteer.

The HV would have been far better placed to judge than any of us.

I think you want one, though, OP. That to me tells me that you need one.

Um, I have not read all posts (about the first half) but I had a Homestart Volunteer for nearly five months, two hours a week, this time last year.

I had DS1 who was nearly three and twins who were just one. I was referred by my HV as I broke down in tears on phone to her when my DTs were vomiting all the time (but not otherwise ill) and I felt a bit trapped in my house as between nap times and feed times and with it being dark by 4pm we didn't seem to get out enough and it was such hard work trying to keep track of them all if we went anywhere.

Anyhow, once the Homestart Coordinator came round and we chatted I did say I didn't feel "worthy" as we are not particularly hard up, I am a SAHM, we had paid for help for the first three months of twins' lives etc. I said a few times that I felt someone else might be more worthy than me. However they said they would still place someone with me and it was lovely to have her coming every week. After a couple of months I tried to say we no longer really needed them as the days were getting longer again and I felt more positive but the coordinator and the volunteer were adamant that I could continue to use them for another few months.

I don't have a cleaner, and I don't have parents / family nearby (was also newish to area so no real friends nearby either), but I also have never suffered from PND or PTSD and think that is a bit factor in this.

Sorry, bit long winded but I do think that if they know your situation and that you have said you are not sure you are worthy and they are still happy to place someone with you then it's their call. I did say that if someone urgent came along who really needed help to please let my volunteer help them instead.

Good luck!

Congratulations to the OP on the birth of her baby.

I think that some of the posts on this thread are shameful. The OP has a 3 week baby fgs. Your nasty comments could plunge her into postnatal depression.

I have had no experiene of homestart, but I am sure that if the health visitor thinks its appriopate then its reasonable to talk to the coordinator. If the OP is honest about her family situation then it is up to homestart. There is no way that a bunch of strangers over the internet can judge the OP.

Bathesheba - I am commanding you to get a Homestart Volunteer. Treat yourself to that long shower. You never know, you might get one as lovely as me.

Just read justabout's post now. I said straight away that once my children are in school I will volunteer to help others out.

you don't get postnatal depression from comments on a msgboard. ffs. Thats the kind of rubbish that belittles the importance of PND as an actual problem.

Tell them honestly how you feel. They will say if they think you don't qualify. I was interviewed and told they couldn't help me so have a volunteer on me.

Egg, Homestart is always looking for volunteers. My training was beyond excellent and I have really enjoyed helping families out.

No, SueS, but if she is heading that way the comments won't help.

I think that you (the OP) sound exactly like someone who would benefit from Homestart. You've had a serious illness and a new baby in the space of a few months.

How much money you have got and whether you have a cleaner are immaterial really.

I hope that you get to have lots of long hot showers!!!

I have no opinion on the op's issue, her HV and the co-ordinator know whether she is suitable for their services, so no-one here really has an informed opinion.

I am though suffering with severe pnd, 3 children and a total lack of support, and it pisses me royally off to see flippancy regarding same. Its a serous illness not to be taken lightly.

I am well aware of that SueS.

Well OP, whether the majority think YABU or not, your post has inspired me to volunteer with my local homestart, as I'm going to have a few hours spare when ds starts nursery in the summer. I would like to help someone that was struggling a wee bit, and if it gives me an oportunity to cuddle a newborn for an hour a week then even better

And FWIW, if you were anywhere near me, I would come and help you right now, and I'm sure lots of other MN'ers would too.

Take care of yourself.

xxx

I had a part-time nanny for the first year with my dt's (and 2 other children then aged 2 and 5) AND a cleaner AND my mum round the corner and still had/have a homestart volunteer. I was up front about the help I already had, they were fine about it, I felt guilty for a short while but god if you're offered help take it! It's not worth the risk of PND again, surely? Trust your HV.
And I would very much like to be a homestart volunteer when my children are older, they've got me for life now! Nearly 18 months on and my volunteer is still a huge support for me.

I've (just) trained as a HomeStart volunteer in an inner city area.

I think you should tell the co-ordinator exactly what you've told us in your OP and decide between the two of you.

Here, we visit initially for 6 weeks only as there's a very high demand for volunteers (homestart now having become a sort of safety net to try and stop families in need ending up in even more need and ultimately with a very hard pressed social services).

...your area may be different, so, again, I would talk it through honestly with the co-ordinator.

I dont think there is anything wrong with OP talking to co ordinator and working out for herself if she could do with help.

I speak as someone who (on paper) would be shot right to the top of the HS list

Low income tick
Disabled child tick
Child loss tick
Disabled OH tick
Children under 5 tick
History of depression tick
No family nearby tick
5th Child on the way tick

But TBH I am fine and really wouldnt feel the need for one.

What I am trying to say is that you cant judge how much someone will benefit from a list of criteria.

Being middle class and having a cleaner doesnt mean you shouldnt get a bit of input from a voluntary service. Surely its important for the volunteers to get a bit of diverse experience too?

This sums up the grotesque attitide I find is endemic in this country, the assumption that the state and voluntary sector have some sort of responsibility to you if, God forbid, you experience a modicum of stress associated with normal life events.

It irritates me beyond belief.

Thanks for the comments - the Co-Ordinator is coming here on Monday and I'll explain to her how conflicted I feel about using up a valuable resource when there will be people who need it more than I do.

Thanks esp to the people who have experience of Home Start who took the time.

On a slightly diffrent (and hopefully not by stealth) note This is how supportive my Mum can be sometimes - so whilst she may be closeby it doesn;t mean I can necessarily confide in her or rely on her support - I do appreciate her very much on the things that she does do for me but not everything is helpful or positive.

I think that if the Homestart coordinator thinks that Bathsheba is in need of support, then she should take it.

Whilst I have never (thankfully) been there moondog I wouldnt personally describe PND or PTSD as a "modicum of stress".

If however, you have suffered from them, then I am prepared to bow down to your superior knowledge

Walk a mile in a persons' shoes anyone?

Moondog - At absolutely no point have I said that I have any rights to support - if you read my comments my HV referred me to HomeStart, I had nothing to do with it.

I find your comment particularly upsetting.

Experiencing a modicum of stress is not a fair description of PND, Moondog. It is a very serious illness and if untreated can lead to chronic depression.

If someone is at risk of PND (and after suffering from it after previous births then I am certain the risk is higher) then she should feel able to access the support available, regardless of her financial situation.