To "use up" a home start volunteer for myself...

[Bathsheba]

3 months ago I was really ill - I had bi-lateral (used to be called double) pneumonia, and swine flu, all whilst being 7 months pregnant. I was very ill but they wouldn't admit me to hopsital or give me anything other than standard gp care etc...

While I was ill I contacted my midwife and HV because I was in a position where my DH needed to go back to work (and go abroad for a number of days) but I couldn't look after my children - I was too ill. They looked into various options for me including Social Services Childminding but in the end my Dh was able to take 2 weeks dependants leave. However, at this point my Hv referred me to Home Start so that I would have some support if anything like that ever happened again.

I have since had my baby and I'm almost fully recovered from my c-section but my Dh is off back to work on Monday. I have 3 dds - 1 is ages 6 and at school full time, DD2 is 3 and goes to playgroup for 3 sessions a week and DD3 is 3 weeks old and is yummy.

The Home Start Co-ordinator phoned and said they now have a volunteer for me who can come and see me for a few hours a week and either give me a hand round the house, or look after the baby etc while I go and have a shower for example.

I feel really torn...I guess I'm a fairly typical middle class SAHM - my DH comes home every night (often at 6:30 - 7 but he is here every day apart from the odd business trip abroad) and my Mum is local. I also have a cleaner for a few hours once a week, which means the place isn't permanantly like a show home but it means that the bathrooms etc are regularly cleaned. I drive and have access to a car every day so we get out and about and I can take the girls to their activities. They have extra things like tennis lessons and ballet which, yes its sometimes a bit of a hassle to take them to, but at the end of the day these are optional things we have chosen for them to do and really I can't complain about them...

However the idea of someone coming round so I can have a LONG shower during the day, and maybe get a chance to tidy the bigger girls's room sounds fantastic - when my Mum is round I don't really do those types of things because she is here with me and we do things together....although I'm sure she'd watch the girls if I ask.

I had PND after DD1 was born, and PTSD after DD2 was born, so I can see why my HV is keen to surround me with support, but I feel a fraud taking a much needed volunteer away from possibly a single Mum or someone with little local family support, or a Mum without the opportunities I have.

The Home Start Co-ordinator is coming round to see me on Monday afternoon to discuss things and I'm really wondering if I should embrace the opportunity and say thank you, or if I should really explain that I feel a bit of a fraud and I understand her volunteers are like gold dust and someone more deserving really should have this volunteers time rather than me...

Would like to say - leave her alone - first post was very honest and not full of entitlements and expectations.

Bathsheba - I admire your honesty, just sorry about the hornets' nest that seems to have been unleashed. I think you should take the help offered and you will know when it is time to let it go. Double pneumonia/swine flu/caesarian anyone? Wouldn't wish that combination on anyone.

Geordieminx - Love your posts - you have quite a grasp of the situation and am sure the families you end up working with will appreciate you. (the same for all the other volunteers).

Thinking of doing something similar myself - about to google Homestart ....

how old are your children moondog and elephant?

it's a bloody grind when they're very small

op, enjoy your baby and accept the help

Congrats on your new baby op,

I dont think you should use home start.
You have support from your mum.

I will admit I did feel jealous when I read the OP. I really struggled through the first year with 3 DC's. I only had time to ever shave one leg at a time, etc, and no one came round to help me out. We all survived.

But just becuase nobody helped me, doesn't mean the OP should strugle on without support.

But it dosnt sound like she is struggeling though (and good for her! )

I think it would be V. wrong indeed for her to take the time that could be used by somone in real hardship.

Sorry, more people who are more in need than you.

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Take the help if they offer it.

I've read your other thread and your mum is the very opposite of helpful! For your own mental health, the less you need to have her around the better.

(What is wrong with some people? No one offered us help either, when we had baby twins, and we've never been well off enough to dream of paying a cleaner, but that doesn't mean I have to begrudge help to others!)

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congrats on your new baby op

I don't think this was a good place to post your worries - aibu doesn't bring out the kinder side of many posters. you need to give yourself more of a break. are you often the kind of person who beats themselves up over asking for help and feeling others are more deserving? it just seems that way from your post and choice of aibu topic(amateur psychology hat on?)

let the professionals offering the service decide if they've got enough staff and if you are ''worthy'' of homestart help. I think it would be great and you should bite their hand off. take a long shower, have a chat and a cuppa, do whatever you want with the time you get with the volunteer. it's there for all mums, whatever background. having money for a cleaner doesn't stop people needing an outside person to chat to.

enjoy your new baby

I am a HS Volunteer and have worked with a number of families over the last six years.

The families, wihout exception have fallen into one category - people in need of a little bit of help from someone who will not judge them, who will listen with compassion and give them a window in their week when they can offload what is happening in their lives.

I have worked with families with high incomes and what looks to the outsider as 'having everything'. I have worked with families on benefits in overcrowded flats. I have worked with families who have been bereaved. I have worked with families with multiple births. I have worked with families who are none of these.

The common denominator is that each and every one of them needed a little bit of non judgemental support. The whole 'taking a shower issue' is a red herring. What actually goes on when a volunteer visits is totally confidential and it is that which makes it such a special and successful relationship. It is a life saver to many people - men and women. It would be unusual for a volunteer to be placed with a family for no reason. I am sure that the OP will benefit from the visits of their HS volunteer.

if referral was made on clinical need.the income and status of patient is irrespective

pts in prosperous areas get
SALT
outreach
OT
should we say no,because they are middle class?

a thorough Ax should determine need not your socio-economic status

a lot of inverse snobbery going on.if she posted she was in council tower block would it all be so sneery

this is an interesting post for me, as i am considering becoming a homestart volunteer.

I went to a homestart playgroup - i was expecting it to be full of teenage single mums. It wasn't - it was full of middle class mums, alot of whom were new to the area. I was a bit to be honest. I did have PND actually, but homestart didn't know this - i wasn't refered, neither were any of the other mums (as far as i know). I went to lots of playgroups with my ONE DD- when i walked in the door someone would be there straight away, "do you want a cup of tea or coffee - i'll bring it over to you" OK, i thought, a bit full on compared with other groups. Then there were the volunteers and play workers - some didn't even have kids of their own. Again i was When i first went, i didnt know anyone - they TALKED TO ME! they sat and played with DD and they TALKED TO ME - i could have cried - it was lovely. I could have a whole conversation with another adult without having to break off because DD was doing something dangerous because there were lots of pairs of eyes, they would play with my DD and she loved it. They would give the children healthy snacks -again i mean, im an educated woman, i nkow about five a day - but oh how i looked forward to this - lots of healthy snacks, all different things every week - tea and crumpets made for the mums. A different craft activity every week - we had a free yoga session and massage once. We had trips to the zoo, trips to the panto - christmas parties at soft play centres. I didn't ask for any of this - i did feel guilty - but it also felt lovely - i felt looked after. They were my lifeline.

My life wasn't practically hard but emotionally i had been through the wringer. I never had a homestart volunteer - sometimes i think i may have benefitted.

There were woman (one in particular) Who i did felt took the piss, but you are always going to get those.

OP - if its on offer, take it - grab it with both hands, see how it evolves. OK so the shower thing sounds like a big deal to you - if you use it to have a shower YABU - use it to have a sodding BATH!!!! Or just use the time to chat to the volunteer, make some tea knowing that you are BOTH looking out for the children that you don't have to be on edge as i know lots of mums are when they have visitors with their kids.

Don't feel guilty.

If you do feel that maybe you are too "privilged" for this resource - make a donation, it doesn't have to be cash - but get involved - it's therapy in iteslf.

Being a parent is bloody hard work - homestart recognise this and they recognise that its hard for everyone PND, single parenthood, teenage mum, middle class mum with cleaner and big car - its tough on all of us.

I remember when we went to the zoo - all free - obviously homestart paid, for me, my partner and DD to go to the zoo - i was really, it would have cost over £30 and then they gave us money in an envelope to buy a coffee - but you know - we were broke - it was one of the biggest kindnesses i ever remember as a mother. I can't praise them enough.

I get really pissed off by the assumption that middle class people aren't worthy of help.

Have a nice house? You can't get depressed.
Have a cleaner? No excuse for PTSD!
Have a DH? Pull yourself together woman and get on with your three children and CS scar!

Isn't it enough that you have a history of MH problems, a DH with MH problems, bf difficulties, a problematic pregnancy etc. ? Leave aside the bits about body lotion etc. and pay special attention on this thread to folk who actually have/ are Homestart volunteers, they'll know more than the rest.

And then, who knows, maybe you'll "pay back" by being a Homestart volunteer yourself in a few years time?

mental health is complex bio-psycho-social it doesn't care if you have big house or are middle class

this notion of deserving and undeserving pts is quite heinous

worry about the notion the tower block mum is assumed to be more deserving than suburban mum. mental illness is cruel and pernicious

yes realistically other factors add to the picture eg poverty,unemployment,social mobility.however if Ax is that one would benefit from family volunteer it must be given

yanbu to use the homestart volunteer, you have been offered it and if you think it sounds as though it would be something good for you then there is nothing wrong @ all if you accept! they must have enough to go round in your area, or think that you are "worthy" enough or wouldn't have referred you.

some of the nasty comments are totally unnecessary, and quite bitter. just because some people may have it "worse" why shouldn't OP take the help she's been offered.

from what i understand you don't really have to be having a total break down or anything like that, to get a homestart volunteer they are there for people who just need a little bit of help?

itsfriday whats this homestart playgroup, i never heard of that, but it sounds lovely.
also thinking after reading this thread that it would be good to train as a home start volunteer in future when i have all kids in school

Hmmm...not sure anyone's saying you can't be rich and depressed, just that the OP is not saying she is depressed: she's saying she fancies a bit of her-time. And others are, quite reasonably, saying that every mum would like that and she does have her mum and a cleaner to help.

If the OP was saying that she was depressed (or thought she might be), I'm sure the tone of replies would be different. Though I hate the 'my life is worse and I manage' snarky tone that came from a couple of posters - wtf ? Not like she came on to say she was taking it; she was asking for opinions, which shows that she wasn't being bratty. Moondog, as ever, totally lacking in any 'think whether you might upset someone before you post' gene.

Bathsheba congrats on your baby and I think your first instinct was right, tbh, but maybe ask your mum for a bit more of the right type of help.

Oh the bitterness is spewing out of this thread. Well bloody done to those of you who managed it by yourselves. What fecking heroes you are. Give yourselves a big pat on the back and a hooray for the sisterhood.

Perhaps you superwomen should all train as Homestart volunteers and show the rest of us pathetic women how it's done eh ? Maybe not

When I was pregnant with DD3, DD1 was flagged as having SN. It was a real shock to the system. I knew that she was very hard work, and I knew that I was exhausted, but didn't realise she had SNs until she fell over for no reason as soon as she started preschool, and we were seen at the hospital, when I was 11 weeks pregnant with DD3.

Suddenly, I had the knowledge that I was going to have 3 children under 3½ and that DD1 was not going to suddenly out of the phase she was in by the time DD3 was born.

A friend had suggested home start, but I had declined, because I didn't think I was the sort of person that Home start was for. I am a Registered Nurse (although not practicing right now), I have a stable marriage, I have a degree and I have family nearby.

But, finally, at around 26 weeks pregnant, I contacted the Health Visitor, and asked for a referral to the scheme. A lovely co-ordinator came and talked through the scheme. She arranged to introduce me to our potential volunteer.

Rosie is the most amazing help to me. I do have family near by, and I get practical support from them. But (for reasons I won't go into), I support my Mum & Dad in lots of ways that take time & energy & emotional toil also. Added to that the fact that I have 3 very small children, one of which is extremely hyperactive with no sense of danger (she has a brain malformation, it turns out, and has 1:1 at preschool, will be going to Special School in September), and the youngest is only 9 months.

Rosie has so much energy. She willingly takes the girls to the toilet (it is upstairs, and a trip to the toilet takes DD1 around 10 minutes just for a wee by the time she has climbed the stairs, gone to the loo, washed her hands and then another 5-10 minutes to convince her to come back down stairs), plays with playdough, dances, takes them for rides on the 'magic carpet', plays daft games, etc.

For me, that means that I know DD1&2 are safe and happy. So I can either take DD3 out with me, or get on with some jobs, or start dinner, whatever.

The last few weeks I have been so exhausted that I have just been sat on the sofa, watching them play, and using the computer, chatting with Rosie as they play. But that is what she is there for.

OP, I hope that whatever your decision, you don't take on board some of the harsher comments. Take care of yourself.

Shocked at the bitchy comments on this thread. Another reminder of why I avoid all AIBU threads....clearly there is something lacking in some people's lives if they have to be so nasty to a fellow mum who's at a vulnerable time in her life - does no-one remember what those first 6 weeks are like?

The only reason I clicked on this particular post was for the Homestart link as I have had a volunteer myself.

Bathsheba, (if you haven't already given up on this thread), take the help on a 6 week rolling arrangement. That's what I did and at all times, I was re-assured that I would be told whenever they needed my volunteer for someone else.

Don't mind the bitching on this thread - MN is a nightmare lately...I look at it lots less than I used to as I hate the way people use their anonymity to get away with saying stuff they would never say to your face.

Agree with scottishmummy, some of the comments have been awful and let's not forget that one of the features of depression is to see yourself as undeserving- so sure this thread is great for ops self esteem. Tbh it's often people who expect least who need most and op - your hv and homestart are best placed to judge this, please try not to give certain uninformed yabu comments space in your head.

I would suggest you hire a nanny unless you think it would negatively affect your mental health not to have a home start volunteer.

Fact is that if you don't have mental health problems after this baby, and have the resources to pay for a nanny instead of a volunteer then to use one is denying those who cannot pay.

If you feel psychologically vulnerable, depressed, unable to cope, then of course use the volunteer for support.

In my opinion every mother who has a newborn should have support, like in France, but until then you should be fair and considerate about how you utilise these resources.

Can't believe some of the vitriol on here. Absolutely disgraceful. Tidying up and taking a long luxurious bath made me feel human when I had PND.

Bathsheba you have been very, very ill. Please take the help when you can get it and yes, return the favour when you are back on your feet. Being middle class or having a cleaner does not make you less in need or somehow immune to difficulty or mental health problems.

You have NO need to feel guilty or undeserving of this, you have been through a lot and you have been honest with them. I really hope things get better for you soon.

clinicians make decisions on need,not financial status.