To "use up" a home start volunteer for myself...

[Bathsheba]

3 months ago I was really ill - I had bi-lateral (used to be called double) pneumonia, and swine flu, all whilst being 7 months pregnant. I was very ill but they wouldn't admit me to hopsital or give me anything other than standard gp care etc...

While I was ill I contacted my midwife and HV because I was in a position where my DH needed to go back to work (and go abroad for a number of days) but I couldn't look after my children - I was too ill. They looked into various options for me including Social Services Childminding but in the end my Dh was able to take 2 weeks dependants leave. However, at this point my Hv referred me to Home Start so that I would have some support if anything like that ever happened again.

I have since had my baby and I'm almost fully recovered from my c-section but my Dh is off back to work on Monday. I have 3 dds - 1 is ages 6 and at school full time, DD2 is 3 and goes to playgroup for 3 sessions a week and DD3 is 3 weeks old and is yummy.

The Home Start Co-ordinator phoned and said they now have a volunteer for me who can come and see me for a few hours a week and either give me a hand round the house, or look after the baby etc while I go and have a shower for example.

I feel really torn...I guess I'm a fairly typical middle class SAHM - my DH comes home every night (often at 6:30 - 7 but he is here every day apart from the odd business trip abroad) and my Mum is local. I also have a cleaner for a few hours once a week, which means the place isn't permanantly like a show home but it means that the bathrooms etc are regularly cleaned. I drive and have access to a car every day so we get out and about and I can take the girls to their activities. They have extra things like tennis lessons and ballet which, yes its sometimes a bit of a hassle to take them to, but at the end of the day these are optional things we have chosen for them to do and really I can't complain about them...

However the idea of someone coming round so I can have a LONG shower during the day, and maybe get a chance to tidy the bigger girls's room sounds fantastic - when my Mum is round I don't really do those types of things because she is here with me and we do things together....although I'm sure she'd watch the girls if I ask.

I had PND after DD1 was born, and PTSD after DD2 was born, so I can see why my HV is keen to surround me with support, but I feel a fraud taking a much needed volunteer away from possibly a single Mum or someone with little local family support, or a Mum without the opportunities I have.

The Home Start Co-ordinator is coming round to see me on Monday afternoon to discuss things and I'm really wondering if I should embrace the opportunity and say thank you, or if I should really explain that I feel a bit of a fraud and I understand her volunteers are like gold dust and someone more deserving really should have this volunteers time rather than me...

I have a homestart volunteer, I'm disabled, at the moment I'm 40 weeks pregnant and pretty much stuck in bed - I can't even get to my wheelchair as it's too painful. My husband is my carer and we have both suffered depression in the past. I say this because maybe you think we are one of the 'more deserving' cases.

Sounds to me like you are the ideal candidate for a HomeStart volunteer. Yes you deserve one, yes you deserve a long shower if that is what you feel you need to help you stay well and happy. No you bloody well shouldn't have to wait to get PND to get some support, I don't care what your income is, you deserve a break! PTSD is not a walk in the park recovered or not.

Your HV has reffered you for a reason - it was a HV that reffered me. Employing someone is totally different from what you will have with a volunteer, they are someone between a friend and a professional. They can support you in ways you would not expect from an emloyee OR a friend.

I think you are right to check with the co-ordinator, I imagine they will reassure you.

Somepeople should put their judgeypants away and break out the mile in someone elses shoes.

As an aside I have had a lot of women tell me stuff (as a HS volunteer) that they feel unable to tell their partner or mum. Sometimes it is easier to talk to a stranger.

Much better to spot PND getting started and head it off at the pass than wait until you are actually unwell to sort it out.

I don't think YABU, as others have said, let the co-ordinator know your situation (including the PND/PTSD - don't gloss) and let them decide.

I'm confused then justabout as the op says her mum comes to visit a lot and has a dh there every night, can't the pampering be done then? Surely the majority of new mums could do with pampering too? In that case would they all qualify for the help? I thought it depended on what support you already had? Wouldn't it stretch resources far too much if everyone applied that had support already? Unless I missing something... Sorry for all the question marks

Bathsheba

It sounds like you've been referred because you might need the help. As others have said, having a frank discussion with the co-ordinator should be the way to decide if this is the type of help that would be useful to you and if you need any help at all.

I have only one child but otherwise in a similar situation of having a helpful husband, a cleaner, friends and family but I still felt alone and helpless when DS was about 9 months old. My HV came round for a chat and said she could come as often as I needed and that support was available to any new mum that needed it on an ongoing basis.

I was surprised and she just said "that's my job". In the end I didn't need her to come over again but I think that was because knowing that help was at hand if I needed it was part of what helped me to be ok.

Just because you don't fit a particular steroetype doesn't mean you don't need a helping hand. It doesn't mean you necessarily do either but don't rule it out (and nor should anyone else) because it looks a certain way on paper.

Prevention is better than cure and if having someone around is going to prevent the OP getting PND then it's worth it. We can't make the decision on her behalf.

Homestart is a source of additional support which may be necessary even for those with a DH and a mother around or those who can pay for it. Heaven knows my mother is the most useless woman in the world around babies and she'd probably be a lot more help to my mental state staying in a different hemisphere! Equally I know from being a maternity nurse and nanny that there's a lot stress involved in employing someone and having a checked, trained volunteer with a line manager could be a lot easier. OP - if you feel bad about taking the help for free maybe you could make a donation to HS?

Emotional support is not somehting that a paid babysitter can give.

Nor can the OP's mother, no matter how nice and kind she is.

Homestart volunteers are trained to recognise PND, I assume? So she would be able to spot any possible problem before it got to a stage that the OP needed more help.

Just because someone has a cleaner does not mean that they have limitless financial resourses.

There is a certain irony to a woman being villified for contempleting accepting help to support her physical and emotional health on a forum predominantly used by women, the majority of whom are mothers. This is not about 'money' - it's about having a service available to support women who, for a number of reasons, are vulnerable in terms of their emotional, mental and physical help. All the money in thew world can stop you from having PND or PTSD, but having the appropriate people to help just might. Honestly, you'd think the OP was suggesting that she gets your child benefit

OP - accept the help as it stands. You may find it hugely beneficial, you may not. Congratulations on your new baby and I hope that you are soon recovered.

Bathsheba, I think you should listen to CrackFox, who is the only one on here that actually has experience of this, being a home start volunteer herself and if she is saying you should go for it then do.

I am sorry you have had such a negative reaction and that, when giving their opinion, people haven't been more sensitive to your previous situation and to the fact that you only had your DD 3 weeks ago.

Good luck

money can't buy mental health you're right, but money can pay for private counsellers, therapists, cleaners, babysitters to help one with their mental health.

I think only you know deep own if you really need the help or not.

I have just started recieving 1 hours visit a week and I have found it invaluable but I have (nearly) 4 preschoolers, my DH works away a lot, I have no family support nearby and I suffered PND with 2 of my DCs (oh and no cleaner!).

The lady who comes gives me some adult company and often looks after my younget (13 months) whilst I can do more grown up things with other 2 (2 and 3)and ave some "breathing space" from all 3. When the baby arrives she is going to keep coming for a few weeks and then review.

I never realised the scheme existed until a few weeks ago when I started struggling and my HV reffered me and although 1 hour doesn't sound like much it has been a real lifesaver.

I would say to you, if you feel like you REALLY need the extra help take it but if you feel like you can manage with the help you have and this is just a bonus maybe consider letting someone else more desperate receive it.

Yes, Homestart vols are trained to spot PND I think.

Major admiration to those of you who volunteer btw.

Only the OP can decide if she needs the volunteer and I will imagine she will do that after the meeting on Monday.

Given the tone of the initial post, I can see why it may have seemed that she didn't need a vounteer- but there are lots of other indicators of potential need present.

As usual, AIBU leads to strong opinions, and in hindsight, may not have been the best place to post.

Good luck OP and enjoy your 'yummy' 3 week old. Wish I had one of those to cuddle right now!

Sue
Just because the Op has a cleaner does not mean that she is a multimillionaire who can afford a private therapist.

I have a cleaner because I hate housework, we are not loaded. I do without other stuff to afford a cleaner.

I agree with Sassybeast. Good post

Tell the HS assesor the truth about your situation and history, she will determine what help you need and when.

Good luck!

And you know how to access all of that SueSylvester all wealthy women with PND can tell they have PND and therefore are capable of sorting it out by themselves?

I can see no harm in OP chatting to the co-ordinator and if they decide that she could use someone presumably the person is a volunteer and is free to give their help as and when and to who they wish?

The fact that the OP feels "unworthy" of support for any reason is a little flag by itself I reckon.

Hear hear Sassybeast. Just hope the OP comes back to read this.

agree with morloth, trickle and justa. HV referred you for a reason. Would have thought being so unwell recently on top of history of mental health problems was a perfectly good reason for you getting support.

If the OP had been referred because she was considered to be at risk from another (non baby related) form of depression would anyone really questioned the right to NHS help/treatment?

I work for Home-Start and think with your previous experience of having Post Natal Depression etc that your HV is trying to make sure that you don't go down that route again. At 3 weeks you are still on a high from having your baby but sleepless nights can obviously be draining especially as you cant get a lie to catch up on sleep even if your baby is asleep as you have to take your little girl to school every morning, first time mums cannot even begin to imagine getting out with 3 young children each morning.

I would say take the help, speak to the co-ordinator about your concerns but take it for a few weeks and see how you feel when all the helpful visitors tail off. My PND didn't kick in until much later when it was actually postnatal exhaustion. You can stop having a volunteer at any time not just the 3 monthly review if you decide its not for you. Just remember to get lots of rest and enjoy those early days. Best wishes

Not saying that the OP shouldn;t take hte support offered - like I said, I think she should trust the judgement of those who provide the support - but I'm surprised at the comment that a mother can't provide emotional support.

Expert judging of the onset of PND, perhaps not.

TheFallenMadonna
Not every mother can provide emotional support. And the OP's own mother is too close to the Op to judge objectively.

Great idea, Justa