to think "My child won't speak" is a load of tosh

[bruceb]

My DW is sitting next to me on the settee and she was dictating her version, which included the words "fucking".

Parents pandering to unreasonable behaviour.

Discuss

I am sorry this thread has caused such offence.

THat was never my intention.

I didnt see SM as a "special needs" situation, but more as the children being stubborn, for want of a better expression.

I now know that is not the case.

I cannot imagine how hard it is for those of you bringing up children with special needs and I am sorry I have caused you anger and upset.

I truly didnt see this as anything similar to children who cannot talk and have never talked or who have autism, confined to wheelchairs, self harmers etc.

It was sincerely never my intention to upset anybody and I am truly sorry.

DD1 was selectively mute. When she was about 8 I saw a programme about it on TV. I was amazed that there were others who were the same. We'd just put it down to excessive shyness. Having been a very shy child myself I hadn't felt the need to seek help for it.

I did encounter a number of complete tossers like the OP and his equally offensive wife who thought she was rude or stupid or both. You can take that as a personal attack if you choose, your OP felt like a personal attack on my DD.

For those of you with DCs who are still unable to speak,there is light at the end of the tunnel. DD is a lovely 16 year old who although she can still sometimes be a bit shy, has a very active life with lots of friends, doing well at school, does a voluntary job (with adults with SN) and has been on lots of school trips with groups of people that she has never met before!

BBM your last post is a credit to you and a glimmer of hope you will not judge in such haste another time!

OK, I cross posted with you. I am glad you have come back to apologise and you see that programme last night was very useful because we now know that at least one person has learned something from it.

Well done, BBM. Thankyou for that apology. May I ask you to ask Bruce to post a similar one, please.

And some advice for the future - next time use some tact and diplomacy rather than wading in in such a confrontational manner - saves stress all round.

It is great to read all these lovely stories of SM children having normal lives when they grow up.

BBM thank you for your apology. SM is very much a special need.

UndomesticatedHouswife, I suggest you watch the program before you judge. It takes a long time to get SM diagnosed, just as is the case with many other SN. We are not just arsing around letting our children down. The parents on the program had been working on this for many many years.

Undomesticated

the notion that parents are sitting around barely noticing their childrens issues and doing nothing to get help is probably a nonsense.

My son regressed at 18 months and by 20 month was clearly in huge difficulty having lost most skills and becoming a dnager to himself and a screaming biting ball of frustration.
In those circumstances it still took months and months to get a diagnosis and actually I never ever got any help from anyone until I found and gained a place for him at a special school.
The idea that parents may work for years and still get little help is not at all surporising to me.

BBM. very classy of you to apologise

Keepo, I said that I hadn't watched the programme, but I also said that I do speak from experience with a child with a social anxiety disorder.

It is very very misunderstood it's not something I understood myself and when I think of all the wasted years of struggling by myself to deal with this it makes me want to cry.
For my poor child who was struggling herself with all these feelings and anxieties that I didn't understand and that she didn't understand herself.
Our relationship suffered greatly and it's only now that she has been under the care of a clinical psychologist for almost 2 years and she has made so much progres that we are starting to have the kind of relationship that most other parents take for granted.

I do feel that I let her down massively by not seeking the proper help sooner, and the guilt is very hard to live with, especially when I think back to how angry I got with her becuase I didn't understand. I am crying now just writing this.

I wish with all my heart that I hadn't listened to other saying that she'll grow out of it etc, but when I did seek help (because she was getting worse not 'growing out of it) it was diagnosed quickly and she got play therapy and cbt etc.

So yes I stand by my comment that if this has been going on for years and you have not in the end sought proper help then you are letting your child down.

Well that's true of pretty much any problem or issue in childrearing, UndomesticatedHousewife. Ignoring a child's needs and problems is neglect, pure and simple - but the vast majority of parents aren't neglecting their children, they are battling against a system that seems set up to deny their child the help they need.

what a very bigoted man he sounds lots of reasons for child not speaking including deafness,selective mutism,ASD.delayed development or maybe reluctance to engage with a particular person.

oops just read whole thread

"I do feel that I let her down massively by not seeking the proper help sooner" I think you are wrong about this undomesticatedhousewife. It takes time to work these things out. You have helped your child and are obviously a great mum. You have not let her down at all. It is just all very difficult. I hope you know I wasn't having a go at you.

Keepo is right, Undomesticated - and I certainly did NOT mean to imply that you were ignoring your child's needs or problems - I have just reread what I wrote, and realised how awful it must sound to you, and I apologise for that.

There is a huge difference between the parent who worries about their child, talks to others, asks and listens to advice etc (as you clearly did) and a parent who ignores the problem.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl, I never said it was neglect, read my post again, I clearly said that I understand that it's difficult to know what help there is or how to go about getting it especially if you don't realise what the problem actually is and that is treatable.

Those parents you're talking about that are trying to get help through the system but are being turned away or being denied the help are obviously not letting their children down, they are doing what they can and fighting for their child to be helped. That isn't what I'm saying.

What I'm saying is if you recognise that there is a problem and do absolutely nothing to try and overcome the problem in the end after years (or however long) of going through it then yes you are letting your child down.

Sorry x posted, I understand that my first post didn't sound that great, so not surprised that I got the replies that I did.

I know that I'm saying that you're letting your child down etc because that's how I feel and I do understand that it's not the case fro everyone adn I shouldn't feel that way.

For anyone that is going through SM or anything my heart goes out to you because it is soul destroying.

I never in a million years thought that my dd would be the way that she is now, so there is light at the end of the tunnel

Veritythebrave we have had the same experiences. I also get sick of the people who constantly try to make dd talk as if it some sort of personal challenge to them. YAWN

Riven at seven years and 18 months for a wheelchair.

You're right verity, doctors or other specialists don't recognise the problem and you are told by everyone that they will grow out of it so you wait. And wait. And all the time they are not growing out of it they are getting worse so it becomes harder to treat.

And the more you shout or tell them to change the worse it gets because it becomes more of a source of anxiety and the cycle goes on.

Even if you are nice and talk to them and reason with them or ignore it (I have done it all) it makes no difference because the anxiety is so great.

I was very lucky that when I went to the doctor to get a referal to CAMHS I was seen for the initial consultation quite quickly though I can't remember how long now, but I had to TELL the doctor that I wanted a CAMHS referal after doing the research myself.

Our psychologist told me the other day that the children now have to be seen within 6 weeks, it used to be that they could wait for 9 months or something ridiculous but it's not allowed now.
Not sure if it's like that in all areas though.