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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think "My child won't speak" is a load of tosh

162 replies

bruceb · 02/02/2010 22:56

My DW is sitting next to me on the settee and she was dictating her version, which included the words "fucking".

Parents pandering to unreasonable behaviour.

Discuss

OP posts:
Keepo · 03/02/2010 08:56

not you bless obviously.

Keepo · 03/02/2010 08:57

pag thanks for making me laugh through my snotty tears.

ByTheSea · 03/02/2010 09:01

To give the benefit of the doubt to the OP, I think that the OP and DW don't have any DC with SN and therefore don't understand how long and hard the parents have to fight to get the appropriate intervention.

Keepo · 03/02/2010 09:05

Can't be arsed to give them the benefit of the doubt.

ByTheSea · 03/02/2010 09:07

Fair enough keepo.

cory · 03/02/2010 09:31

It is a common perception among the general public that if you have a child with SN
or mental health problems, doctors' appointments and evaluations and therapy and wheelchairs and benefits will just come floating down from the sky as and when you need them. As if!

Angelcat666 · 03/02/2010 09:34

I never made it back to this thread after my original post last night. Now I have I have to say I'm disgusted at the insensitivity and ignorance by the OP and his W

I'm just glad to see they are very much in the minority, on here anyway.

thedollshouse · 03/02/2010 09:46

I was like this (though not quite so extreme) when I was young. I would talk to immediate family but I wouldn't speak to grandparents or aunts and uncles, I wouldn't speak to my father but he was not living in the family home at the time. I would speak to teachers but I only answered questions, I would speak to a select few pupils but would never start up conversations. The more fuss people made about it the harder it was for me to talk.

I could totally see where the teenager was coming from when she asked to move schools, I asked if I could move schools but my mum just thought that I would take the problem with me. Once I got to teenage years I was fine in situations with strangers, I loved holidays as nobody knew that I was a no speaking freak at home. Once I left school it gradually got better and amazingly by the time I was 26 I ended up in a job that involved a lot of public speaking. From time to time I occasionally have panic attacks about speaking. Once when I was at work someone called me and I realised that I had put on speaker phone, the old feelings returned and I actually thought I was dying. Presentations in front of hundreds of people were easier because I knew in advance what I was talking about and could anticipate that there would be questions.

I was incredibly anxious as a child, sometimes I felt like I was carrying the worlds problems on my shoulders. I am sure that this had something to do with it.

MollyRoger · 03/02/2010 09:49

dear OP and DW. I wish you wouldn't speak a load of tosh...

MollyRoger · 03/02/2010 09:54

I know 2 children with SM.
One was traumatised by a violent father.
The other kind of all crept up of them. A perfectfly lovely, normal family with 3 other siblings. By the time they realised he wasn't just shy, it was too late. It took 7 years before he started to speak to anyone other than his mum.

TheEarthIsFlat · 03/02/2010 10:00

I knew someone who had selective mutism. She spent several months in a psychiatric hospital because of it (thankfully things have moved on since then). All she needed to do was say 'hello' and she'd have been allowed home. If she could have done she would have. No way is it a simple matter of choice.

LynetteScavo · 03/02/2010 10:02

Well, bruceb...with hindsight my brother had SM, and he certainly wasn't pandered to. He was left to get on with in. People just seemed to accept that he didn't talk/was rude including my parents.

I imagine he was incredibly unhappy a lot of the time, and I wish he'd had the resources and care available to him, which I presume are available today. (I missed the program, so am still ignorant on what help is abailable)

BTW - despite being incredibly bright, he was unemployed untill he was 30. Surely some input into children with SM will do the economy a favour in the long run...cheeper than paying somone dole for nealry 10 years.

Keepo · 03/02/2010 10:08

for all those who missed it

Wallace · 03/02/2010 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bruffin · 03/02/2010 10:26

My friend's DS is a SM and was in my DD's class through primary. He would not speak at school because one day he tried to say something and it came out as a squeak and someone laughed at him, after that he refused to speak in class . My DD used to read out his answers for him in class. He has since been diagnosed with aspergers.

StellaLovesPotato · 03/02/2010 10:37

Of course you're entitled to your opinion, but you have to accept it when people disagree. To say you have been personally attacked by mumsnetters just because they show their exaspiration at your arrogant POV is not on.

You are being unreasonable, offensive, and a bit Daily Mail.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 03/02/2010 10:39

The OP and his dw should be ashamed of such ignorance and intolerance, and should apologise for the offense and upset they have caused - though I doubt they are sufficiently well-brought-up to do so (judging by their posts to this thread).

MrsC2010 · 03/02/2010 10:53

'permitted'??!!

Keepo · 03/02/2010 10:54

I would also like to point out that in fact "they can tallk but won't" is not a good explaination of SM. They can talk in some situations and they can't in others. It is rather like a stammer but they can't even get the first sound out. A friend of mine who is an ed psych explained it this way to me and I found it much easier to understand. It is a physical response. They cannot get the words out at all in certain situations.

No one would do that to themselves would they. Just think of the courage it takes a 14 year old to change schools. These are not wimpy kids that are messing us about.

Please beleive me we have tried everything and I hate to admit it but I have been driven to shouting "it is rude for goodness sake just say thank you" at times but it is not that simple. OP Please give other people a break.

One of the main reasons people have left it for a long time before getting help is because they couldn't get help. This is mainly because people like you tell us to go home and shout at them and tell them to pull themselves together.

Wallace hello

cory · 03/02/2010 10:57

Yeah, "permitted".

Just like I permit my dd to be in a wheelchair and to have panic attacks and to selfharm. Because, you know, if I was as bright as the OPs, I'd have thought of these things, and I'd have said to dd 'no, you mustn't do this' and then we wouldn't be in all this mess.

But these parents with children who behave strangely, they're not just not very clever, so they don't think of these things.

edam · 03/02/2010 10:59

BBM and Bruce - I generally find when a subject comes up that I know absolutely nothing about, it's a good idea to find out more before condemning anyone it affects.

Just a thought...

jeee · 03/02/2010 11:02

I am a little worried about filming children with this condition - my cousin suffered (and I use that word advisedly) with SM. She was so painfully shy that she used to vomit if she was going to meet new people. I'm not convinced that filming her would have been a good option.

Disclaimer: I didn't watch the programme. I am sure that the parents believed that they were doing the right thing, and they know their children better than I do.

UndomesticHousewife · 03/02/2010 11:22

I actually agree with the OP, she is not talking about a SN child which is totally totally different, she is talking about a child for whatever reason doesn't talk but CAN. I didn't see the programme on it so I can't comment on the child in the programme, but if it is an anxiety/psychological thing then it can be changed and it should be changed.

Letting it carry on for 8 years without seeking proper help (again, I don't know exactly if this was the case in the programme, but if it was...) is letting your child down, I'm sure that the parents tried everything they could think of to make the child speak but at some point you have to say what I'm doing is not working I have seek proper help.

Though I don't agree with Op in regards to just saying ffs just speak because if it is a psychological thing then no amount of persuading/shouting etc will change it. But you can and SHOULD seek proper help.
And I speak from experience.

Though I do understand that a lot of people don't know what options are open to them in terms of what help is out there and how to go about getting it.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 03/02/2010 11:25

Oh Edam - don't be ridiculous!! Why on earth would the OP or his dw let their lack of any actual knowledge of a condition stop them sharing their bullshit wisdom with the rest of us!!

Keepo - I am so sorry that you have been so upset by this thread. It must be devastating to have to cope with such ignorance and unkindness on top of everything else you are coping with.

I hope that the OP and his dw will have the grace to apologise for themselves - but I am not holding my breath.

SiggyMac · 03/02/2010 11:29

Until she reached the end of Y6, my dd would not speak to anyone other than her parents, sibs and best friend. She couldn't even speak to her grandma or teacher. She was like this even as a toddler - she would hide behind me if an adult spoke to her. We just thought she was terribly shy and, although we tried to encourage her, she would become so distressed that we automatically backed off. This was many years ago and SM was probably unheard of as her teachers were concerned but had no suggestions. Eventually, we kinda left her to it and she gradually, slowly left it behind. Although, throughout secondary school she would retreat into herself if she was anxious and she was never the girl who put herself forward for things, the worst of it was over.

She was a little bossy boots at home with her family though

I just can't imagine getting angry with her would have worked at all. What a horrible OP.

Oh, and she is a primary school teacher now so quite happy to talk!