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Original poster

To wish people weren't always so negative about large families?

108 replies

StirFry · 31/01/2010 22:17

Dh and I have 5 DC between the ages of 11 and 4 months. We were out shopping today and the lady at the checkout said to me "ooh these aren't all yours are they?" when I said they were she looked mortified.

Unfortunately this kind of thing happens often. TBH not sure why people think they have the right to question us about it anyway!

Why are so many people so negative about families with lots of children? I can't think of one reason why it should be frown upon so much by so many!

OP posts:
SixtyFootDoll · 31/01/2010 22:19

Maybe because most people find 2 children hard work and cannot imagine waht more must be like?
At our school we have a few large families and I am in AWE of them.

Original poster
StirFry · 31/01/2010 22:21

5 children are hard work but then once you have a couple the rest kind of just slot in so its not really much harder than having 2 DC really.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 31/01/2010 22:25

i also have 5...and i'm a lone parent....its truly no harder than 1,2 or 3!1 i used to work as a nanny and found just 2 harder to be honest.

my teenager wont take the baby alone anywhere though,....in case people think she's a teenage mum!

tearinghairout · 31/01/2010 22:28

They don't have the right to be judgemental, of course not. It shows that they're a bit narrow-minded, presumably because we're all used to most families now consisting of two or three children. TBH after the third most people have had enough of the nappies/sleepless nights etc & can't imagine anyone wanting to carry on having dch...

OK, as for negatives: cost. I'm forever spending out on my dch, shoes, school lunches, etc. Can't imagine the daily expense of five dch.

Secondly: this country is much more populated than when I was a child, and sometimes feels it's bursting at the seams. The world has finite resources, and the problems of the world would be eased if ther were fewer people, if every couple only had one or two children, wouldn't they? Maybe people think you're being a bit selfish. I don't mean to offend you, but you did ask for reasons.

FWIW, I think it would be lovely to grow up in a big, happy family.

princessparty · 31/01/2010 22:29

I don't find this at all (although we only have 4!) people are usually more admiring then anything.

mathanxiety · 31/01/2010 22:33

Me too, 5 and single after divorce. Worst time with children is when they're all small, imo, and can't really be expected to do much for themselves -- for me this was when oldest DC was 5 and there were two younger. When you have more children you're forced to get your act together or be overwhelmed, and you develop your MO and do whatever works for you to stay ahead of things in the house and with the DCs. You can get away with more when you have a smaller family, but when you're faced with cooking for 6 or 7 every day, plus laundry, plus homework and activities, you need to be pretty good at doing things fast, delegating, doing things in your sleep....

I think some of the disapproval comes from people assuming you must be going at it like rabbits, or not know about contraception....

Original poster
StirFry · 31/01/2010 22:37

Our house does have to be run to a very precise routine or it all goes very wrong very quickly.

I have found though I'm so much more relaxed with my youngest that she in turn is very relaxed which makes it a lot easier.

Getting out for the day isn't always easy. We are going on holiday in June and I'm buggered if I know hoe we're going to get everyone (and the dog) plus all the luggage in the car!

Oh and we do know about contraception, all our DC were very much planned

OP posts:
taffetacat · 31/01/2010 22:39

I think lots of people are either in awe or jealous. Many people can't have as many, as either they can't cope, started late or can't afford it.

I have 2 for all the reasons above.

Who cares what they think anyway?

Spidermama · 31/01/2010 22:42

A work colleague who has no children said to me the other day, 'Don't you think it's very selfish of you to have four. World poverty is caused by overpopulation so what makes you think you have the right?'

I really don't feel responsible for world poverty though. Sorry.

mathanxiety · 31/01/2010 22:45

I got that too from a good few people. Why do they assume it's my children causing the world poverty and not them?

I have my share of the world's poverty, btw.

Original poster
StirFry · 31/01/2010 22:51

I'm not quite sure about that either!

OP posts:
JodieO · 31/01/2010 22:53

Spidermama I'm shocked that someone thought they had the right to say that to you! What did you say?

sb6699 · 31/01/2010 22:53

I'm with others who say they must be in "awe" - I am.

I have 3 and am undecided about whether to have more as I'm just not sure I would manage.

I looked after another 2 last week for 4 days and it wasnt too bad - but I had everything planned with military precision.

Bedtime was a bit of a disaster though

liahgen66 · 31/01/2010 22:56

My 15 yr dd took our 2 yr old to meet us in town the other day and some old dear actually Tutted at her within earshot. I can imagine the filthy look dd would have given her.

Eldest and youngest of 5.

Original poster
StirFry · 31/01/2010 22:56

SB, I always find it harder with other peoples DC, its soooo much easier when they are you own. Just have to stick to a routine really. Of course it does all go hugley wrong sometimes though!

OP posts:
upahill · 31/01/2010 22:56

I wish I had more

Spidermama · 31/01/2010 22:57

Jodie I wasn't really sure what to say apart from, 'no. I don't feel guilty'. I then started being defensived explaining how low my family's carbon imprint is etc. He had me on the defensive. I wasn't quite sure what to say.

Original poster
StirFry · 31/01/2010 22:58

What makes people think they have any right to judge like that Liahgen! Nobody has the right to judge the number of children a couple choose to have

OP posts:
Original poster
StirFry · 31/01/2010 22:58

No more on the cards upahill?

OP posts:
JodieO · 31/01/2010 23:04

Spidermama I can imagine it must have been hard, would be tempted to tell him where to go.

CarmenSanDiego · 31/01/2010 23:07

Well, the answer to the 'world poverty' argument is that your children will form a crack team to solve the problem and win a collective nobel peace price

jellybeans · 31/01/2010 23:10

I have 5 and don't get that many comments.. apart from after 4 one woman asked am i having more and I said not planning any and she said it would be greedy to have more!!! She had trouble concieving a 2nd but it wasn't easy for me either with 2 stillbirths and 2 m/cs and horrendous births!! We are done now though as it's chaos enough!

carrieboo75 · 31/01/2010 23:16

We have 4, 3 boys of our own and 1 dfd and even came under the faces when going through the fostering process. I love the chaos and find it really quite when 1 or 2 are off doing something else.

It does really bug me that everything is geared up to 2 children when 2 children is a relatively modern concept. You don't have to look back that many years for families to have been bigger and I think that there is again a move by lots of people in recent year to larger families.

I am lucky in that a lot of people in my tiny town have opted for larger families. In fact those with 2 are in the minority compared to those with 1 or those with 3 or more. In the boys tiny school I know of 6 sets of 3 boys and 3 sets of 3 girls and many more sets of 3 or 4 or 5 mixed sexs. The largest family is 8.

We moved two years ago and the old town was very much a 2 child family town and it was hard seeing people looking down their noses at you as you where some feak by having more.

I don't get what the problem is, it's a lovely way to bring up children. They are so kind as they are used to sharing their belongings, food, mummy time etc. They understood the concept of helping others from an early age and would welcome any number of new children (ours or fostered) with open arms.

Enjoy your large family, they are great.

mumblecrumble · 31/01/2010 23:21

birth rate in UK is going down is;t it?

I look at big families and wonder how they cope. I usually feel guilty at how tired I am with only 1 toddler.

Hoever, I am always smiling and thinking how gorgeous they all are!!!!! ALso.... i wonder to myself..... what wou;ld I be like with 4 more kids.... [mumble crumbel goes off into naive, dream-like fantasy involving baking pasties and hanging white napue son the line while older ones come in from football rpactise.....]

RedbinDippers · 31/01/2010 23:23

What makes people think they have any right to judge like that Liahgen! Nobody has the right to judge the number of children a couple choose to have

Unless the children are being supported by the taxpayer.

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