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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish people weren't always so negative about large families?

108 replies

StirFry · 31/01/2010 22:17

Dh and I have 5 DC between the ages of 11 and 4 months. We were out shopping today and the lady at the checkout said to me "ooh these aren't all yours are they?" when I said they were she looked mortified.

Unfortunately this kind of thing happens often. TBH not sure why people think they have the right to question us about it anyway!

Why are so many people so negative about families with lots of children? I can't think of one reason why it should be frown upon so much by so many!

OP posts:

muppetgirl · 01/02/2010 12:24

I was assuming it was along the lines of NHS, Schools etc. But then eveyone is?

I am assuming though, that my 3 (4 hopefully) will go into the working world and pay taxes to support the growing older population?

OtterInaSkoda · 01/02/2010 12:24

Unless your dcs are home/privately educated and they don't use the NHS, then they are supported by the state. I don't have a problem with this, I have to add.

Muppetgirl - TCs = Tax Credits.

muppetgirl · 01/02/2010 12:26

ds 1 is privately and the others (hopefully) will be.

NHS we all use so not specific to larger families let alone familes. Every adult uses the NHS surely?

I understood tax credits but what are they?

happyharry · 01/02/2010 12:28

I don't see why people should be negative. I only have 2 but would have loved a larger family. The argument about the state supporting them doesn't wash. In fact your children will be the ones working later on in life and paying for our Pensions. I am full of admiration for those with larger famlies.

OtterInaSkoda · 01/02/2010 12:29

muppetgirl - They're a mythical coinage I think. They're a state handout but they don't count if you're assessing your impact on the public purse because they're not benefits.

posieparker · 01/02/2010 12:34

About people with larger families....

I think the OP is just fed up with people making comments and was possibly seeking others who feel the same.

muppetgirl · 01/02/2010 12:35

I must read the rest of the thread

Surely anything anyone recieves from the government that is part of their family 'income' is a benefit?

So, dh pays into the pot, we claim for ds 1 (not ds 2 + 3. Our choice I am NOT winging about it) but recieve nothing else from the government.

Yes, we use the NHS but dh pays into the pot (and I did from 14 till I stopped 3 years ago)

So we do recieve a benefit. Which I should look into really...

noddyholder · 01/02/2010 12:36

I only have one I think you're all lucky.Carbon schmarbon!

liege · 01/02/2010 12:37

Hi StirFry!
I'm new on Mumsnet.
I have 5 kids to : from 23 to 13 and had people staring at us to. It always hurt me soo deeply...
Because we have a large family we are supposed to be very rich and catholics OR very poor and silly! And yet, we are NOT very rich, but NOT very poor! I do hope we are not too silly. And we are not catholics, but protestants! We are just "normal" people...
Some years ago my children were always looked at as if they had to look badly dressed, or dirty, or as if they had to have a bad behaviour. I was soo angry and soo sad!
I remember mainly one day : we were in a queue in a shop, and a lady and her daughter were just after us. The lady was counting the kids - loudly- and she said to her daughter : "May be they don't have the telly!" I was soo shocked that I din't find anything to reply...
Now that I'm older (47) I take it easier. In fact, I don't mind anymore!!! They want to stare at us??? Please do! My kinds are beautiful, smart,unselfish and with a brillant future : I'm proud of them and of our beautiful large family.
So, please StirFry, don't hide your beautiful family. You must be proud of what your are acheiving : a lot of women are not as lucky as we are you know.
I know it hurts sometimes, but be brave and charge your batteries at the warm of your LARGE family!!!
(Excuxe my english : I'm a french speaker)

Original poster

StirFry · 01/02/2010 12:49

Otter, they are privately educated and we don't use the NHS.

Liege, what a beautiful post! I too am very proud of my wonderful, beautiful children. They are my sunshine and I cherish every moment I have with them.

Our house maybe noisey, chaotic and never quite tidy enough but it is filled with love and warmth and the sound of happy children (and one naughty dog!)

OP posts:

liege · 01/02/2010 12:54

A nosey, chaotic and not very tidy house is a HAPPY HOUSE!!! (and I have a naughty dog to)

Spidermama · 01/02/2010 12:59

With the UK's aging population I thought it my duty to have four children because someone needs to be working to pay for state pensions and other benefits.

Lymond · 01/02/2010 13:02

WE have 4 DC and mostly encounter only positive remarks.

I did have an upsetting incident at a coffee morning for mothers' in DD1's class though. Someone said to me,
"You're obviously following the recent fashion amongst the noveau riche for having 4 children to show off how much money you've got. And if you're broke then the fashion to have 4 is intended to get you bragging rights about great parenting skills AND more tax credits."

WTF?? I was breastfeeding DC4 and trying to entertain DC3, so just shrugged and turned away. Being accused of doing something like procreate just to show off was somewhat humiliating.

Later the woman whose house it was at told me that the rude woman only had one child because she'd had 4 miscarriages before her DD's birth, and 5 afterwards , and that she had wanted to breastfeed but her dd was in scbu and it hadn't worked out.

So rather than feeling offended, I feel sorry for her, and I'm going to remember this if anyone says anything again; they're not actually making a value judgement about the size of my family (or the size of our bank balance) they're just reacting to their own problems.

liege · 01/02/2010 13:04

Spidermama, it's exactly the same here in Belgium : my 5 children will be working to pay state pension, etc.

PotPourri · 01/02/2010 13:08

I haven't had any negative comments really (I have 3 and one about to be born). There are plenty of things like - Wow, you're brave/mad/amazing/superwoman, and have had a few comments about having no telly. It doesn't really bother me tbh.

Most common comment is that they can hardly cope with 1/2 etc, so really I take it as a compliment.

girlsyearapart · 01/02/2010 13:15

Yep the comments about no Tv/was it planned/you must be mad/surely this is the last are coming in thick and fast here and I'm 'only' expecting number 3!

THink it's because of our small age gaps. For a couple of months ish we'll have 3 under 3.

My Mum nearly fainted the other day when I said I wanted four!

darkandstormy · 01/02/2010 13:16

each to to their own, 2 is plenty for me though.

Chulita · 01/02/2010 13:17

@ IloveTiffany

My aunt asked how many children I wanted and I said about 4 maybe "aren't you being selfish?" Well...first of all you shouldn't have asked, nosy cow, secondly if they all use cloth nappies/bf and share hand-me-downs we'll have less waste than a 2 child family that uses 'spozzies/bottles (not a dig, it's just true) And, DH and I are not big holiday abroad people so holidays will be UK based for the most part...so no, I don't think having lots of children is being selfish - in the slightest. That aunt has 3 children too so quite how the one extra tips the balance I can't work it out.
I'm one of 7 and my mum got all sorts of comments...

BalloonSlayer · 01/02/2010 13:23

I am not sure I would ever comment on how many children someone else has, but if I did it would be down to envy.

I'd have loved loads of children but only have three because:

DH only wanted two but didn't get round to booking his vasectomy till it was too late

I am not sure I'd be a good enough Mum to loads of children, I am not sure I am a good enough mum to the ones I have got

we can't move to a bigger house

am getting ancient

But when I see big families, I think, wow!

Fanfare · 01/02/2010 13:30

Stirfry, congrats on having such a wonderful family that you are obviously very proud of! I think I may inadvertently frown at the thought of 5 kids, but it would simply be a sign of (misplaced) empathy as the thought sounds exhausting to me. Also, I think people feel the need to pass a comment just to make conversation. I also get comments about having two boys being hard work, as if in some way it is worse than having one of each sex. In my book they're throw away comments, I don't take it to heart.

Perhaps comments may reflect press about large families who knowingly have a lot of children without the income to support it and depend on the State (and by that I'm not just refering to use of NHS, schools etc, I mean monetary aid). Perhaps it is people's narrowmindedness that they look at all large families in that light, espesh given the current squeezing on family finances. I personally don't understand the argument stated earlier that attempts to justify having a large number of children who will have to be fully supported (in monetary aid) by the State from Day 1 by saying that they will be the taxpayers of the future. The majority of children will be taxpayers of the future, but they are not all taking out from the pot for the first 16 years of their lives.

carrieboo75 · 02/02/2010 21:13

I understand the population arguments, but what I don't get is why that means we should all have 2. Why is 2 considered so perfect? If we need to have less to cut population then we should be looking at 0 or 1. Not that I have anything against having 2, I just do not like the way it is assumed that everyone will have 2 and it is held up on a pedestal as the perfect number and everything is to be geared up to 2. How is less than 2 or more than 2 anymore perfect, acceptable etc.

abride · 03/02/2010 08:19

'my 5 children will be working to pay state pension, etc.'

By that reckoning you'd need 25 grandchildren and 125 great-grandchildren.

It's Ponzi demographics and unsustainable.

People must make their own choices. But don't fall for the demographics argument: it's a short-term fix.

mathanxiety · 03/02/2010 15:37

Who says there will even be state pensions -- is that written in stone? All demographic arguments are short-term, and trends are unpredictable. Demographics can't be considered in isolation either. Migration, epidemics, climate change and technology all skew the picture in ways that can't always be foreseen.

cranbury · 03/02/2010 16:00

If there weren't so many people that have more than 2 children in my area then I would be able to get my child a place at a local school , stupid sibling policy... In my local area, you get your child into one of the brilliant state schools , move out of the catchment area to a cheaper bigger house then have loads more kids.

carrieboo75 · 03/02/2010 19:25

Cranbury - If people only had 1 kid then you wouldn't have a problem either .

No need for the whole 2 obsession .

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