AIBU to think you get less attention at school as a 'well behaved' child?

[mylifemykids]

I'm so fed up of DS coming home and telling me his teacher hasn't had time to change his reading book/listen to him read/tell the class their daily story just because she's been busy with x,y or z who have been naughty AGAIN.

He's such a well behaved little boy and the majority of his class are also well behaved. There are about 6 children in his class who have been labelled as 'challenging' (not SN before anyone asks) and therefore seem to take up A LOT of the teacher/TA's time.

Today DS came home very upset because one of these children got the first 'Headmistress Star of the Week award' in their class (it was their first time at assembly with the whole school). When I asked him why he was so upset about it he said 'well S is always naughty but he got an award for being good just for one week when I'm good EVERY week and I didn't get one'

I know I probably ABU because obviously these children need to be dealt with but it just seems the majority of the class seem to suffer because of it.

AIBU to think this is normal practise in all schools?!

ElenorRigby, me too, in that I was shy and polite and so largely ignored. But have to say I agree with Ingles2. Teachers in DS's very ordinary inner city school certainly don't spend all their time doing crowd control. I've been hugely impressed with the ethos and how each child is taught as an individual (I volunteer, so have been in the school a fair amount). The atmosphere's creative, warm and calm. If it's not they step in quickly and sort it.

I agree Cyclops, I don't recall any stickers (the occasional sweet perhaps) although we were sent to the headteacher for moral blackmail on bad behaviour (Mary would be so disappointed stuff), made to run around the playground, do push ups etc rather than caned. Children were also labeled as stupid (my dyslexic brother apparently) rather than helped too.

Oh and my ds is very bright (I think that's partly why he gets so frustrated) and had both remedial and stretch type activities. However as there were a number of other children with similar type issues, and the school (which had a behavioural unit) managed issues very well I never felt that other parents were cross with me - although I don't think my ds ever hurt anyone (and they had a quiet room for the unit where they could put him when he lost control and as a reward too).

I can totally understand the frustration with having a child in your class who clearly shouldn't be there, but many parents are in a position where they know their child needs a different, more specialised, environment, but they have to fight for years to get it. These kids don't need expelling they need help.

If a 9/10 year old HASN'T grasped that not everyone is dealt the same hand in life, then surely some of their education is missing? My 7yo DS1 understands that his brother and sister have been dealt a different hand in life than he has, and that each aceivement for them is major, yet for him is a normal occurence. When my DD (11.10yo) learnt to tie her laces last week, he gave her a round of applause and a hug. Yet he was expected to do his own laces from the age of 5yo. Because it is much easier for him to learn to do these things than his brother or sister. YES he sometimes has a grump about the 'unfairness' in school, but when explained to him that he doesn't know how hard that child has had to work to acheive whatever they've got the reward for, he understands. He also understands that our family don't have the money to go on foreign holidays twice a year like quite a few of his school friends do. Surely it's a normal thing to teach your DC's? . Unless those of you who agree with the OP are all millionaires living in massive mansions, then surely your DC's understand by Y3 that there are people 'out there' who are richer than they are? And people who haven't had such a good upbringing as them. Some of these children in school may be going home to parents that don't care about their DC's, don't feed them, or sometimes let even worse things happen to them. . I feel it's up to us as parents that DO care to teach our children to be kind to people in worse situations than we are in, and to be understanding about the differences between people.

Loudlass of course most nine year olds are able to understand that not everyone is dealt the same hand in life. I have explained this to my dd very often and she is very aware and empathic.

However, when you sit next to someone who often hits you spits on you stabs you with a pencil and says very offensive things to you then no matter how aware you are of their possible challenges it is hard. My dd knows she is lucky, she gets attention at home. I was not so lucky as a child and often discuss this with her. It still don't see why she should have to suffer in this way.

If I had to go to work and sit next to a man who hit, me spat on me etc I would not be expected to put up with it because he had had a hard life.

These children need help that they are not getting. Reward charts are not going to change their lives.

'DS has had a poem published in a book...I've been waiting for school to mention something to him about it, as it was a comp. through the school, but nothing yet and I doubt they will (until I tell them to). What about his self esteem?'

Is this that the young writers thingy ? just to warn you this is a money making thing where every child 's poem gets published and you can order a copy of the book for about £15.

Totally agree with keepo. Of course as adults we all understand why some kids behave appallingly, and what awful home lives they may have.

But it's a stretch to ask well behaved kids to feel sorry for the scary children who spit at them, call them snobby cunts and attack them physically for appearing to want to learn.

I look back upon my own school 'hard kids' with pity, as I now know what life had in store for them. But at the time I just plain hated and feared them, as is natural when somebody sets out to make your life a misery.

Princessparty - We were nearly conned by the poen thingy. DD came in once really proud to tell us she was to get a poem published in a book. It was a con. Saw straight through it!

just encourage him to shout and misbehave. only joking obviously, but I had exactly the same problem with my own son. unfortunately he's learning a tough lesson about life at a very young age.

Donkey, 'you make the wrong assumption that kids will express themselves by being disruptive if they are struggling socially or academically. Teachers should be able to notice all children, not just the ones behaving badly, or their teaching methods are failing'

I said the school will assume they are coping, not me.

I totally agree some children struggle in silence. My own ds for example, ASD the most passive boy you are ever likely to meet because he is not disruptive in any way, he is seen to be coping and he is not.

hence you cannot rely on the school to pick up on it, as a parent you have to point this out to them.

I would say, that not only are the naughty ones given more attention, the bright children are left to flounder, are ignored, or worse still,- and i have seen this, encouraged to 'help' children who h
ave learning or behavioural problems. It seems the lowest common denomindator rules1!

I think its true. Infact DD's teacher said at last parents' evening that "It would be easy to forget about your DD as she's so well behaved and quiet".

Gothdetective. It's interesting that she thought she was probably paying your dd a compliment!!
This sort of thing really winds me up. I've also noticed that at parents evening, the normal 10 minutes allocation time per parent (or thereabouts)gets extended to the parents of the badly behaved children!
This often results in those other parents like myself being hurried along and rushed because all the teachers time has been take up with the problem kids!
Makes my blood boil!

Curryfreak, I am with you on this one. My DS (4yrs) was told infront of me that he fidgets in class and so for the past 2 weeks he's been really working hard to not fidget at home or at school. Last Friday came home upset because all his efforts had gone unnoticed (assembly merit awards).

Anyhow, this morning I decided to mention it to the teacher re the behaviour development that SHE had told me was a problem. She calmly said this morning: Oh, he's not a problem, we have lots of children who fidget more than he does. He looks after the others and is beautifully behaved'.

So what on earth was that all about? I wasn't able to say anymore to her as loads of people were turning up. But talk about either mixed messages or changing their tune.

Why do we bother? Grrr.

I've always booked the last session (mostly because I'm a working mum) but do you really think it is enjoyable to sit and hear how hard your child is finding school? How difficult they are making things for the teacher, and how they are struggling to learn? Or that maybe there is something seriously wrong with them. Perhaps their brains are damaged or poorly wired, and they will never achieve all the dreams you had for them? Have you not thought there are reasons for that half hour, and that really it is not the parent's fault that things are going wrong? Or conversely that maybe the parent has a lot on their plate, perhaps their personal circumstances are very difficult, they were very poorly educated themselves, or perhaps have a learning disability? Maybe the teacher could have booked a longer slot if they had so much to say?

I am so glad that the other children and parents at my children's school understood that we (parents, teachers and other input too) were working hard on ds's behaviour, and didn't just think that he should be got rid of (in fact they even managed to quite like him, crazy boy that he is). Maybe it's because we also had dd who has always been as good as gold (at school anyway).

So we only had 5mins with her teachers, but when things are going well there is much less to say. And when I see that the parent of the "naughty" kid in her class (who dd got very cross with and didn't enjoy sitting next to) had a long session and came out looking very stressed, I felt sympathy, not anger.

But Goth, surely by saying 'it would be easy to forget about your DD', her teacher was saying that of course she won't ever make that mistake.
fwiw I don't think you can make a blanket statement that if your child is well behaved they'll get less attention. I'm sure lots of you are right and it happens, but so much depends on a) the school and b) the individual teacher.

I can't remember the teacher's exact words but she said something how she does sometimes forget about her and then needs to remind herself she's there. I wasn't very clear in what proportion the forgetting and reminding herself were in.

Too be honest I'm not too bothered as DD is doing well at school and enjoying it.

YANBU, its true, I used to work as a TA and for most of the lesson the teachers attention used to be focused on the kids with behavioural problems and behaviour management, the others used to just be overlooked but not intentionally. It is true YA definitely NBU at all.

By Morloth Fri 29-Jan-10 19:18:24 ""it shouldn't be an either/or situation. They should both be getting the attention they need and deserve""

That is very true but does not seem to happen much.

Op YANBU

Hi I have 2 "good" children on more happy to push himself forward than the other. At their school not too much behaviour problems so all ok? One that does keep himself to self is happier to be under the radar, but teacher does notice him.

However, where I work we have to put in place extra rewards for high profile children. IT IS NOT FAIR as good children don't get the attention they deserve. But when you are being sworn at of having things up to chairs being thrown at you it is hard to remember all that. I am fed up with not being able to teach and being moaned at by SMT/parents/LEA that we are not keeping standards up, behaviour up.

As a parent I do understand what you are saying but give the teacher a break! They get it from all areas, some parents want to help their badly behaved kids, but if I had a pound for every time I have been told by a parent - "its your job to teach them manners/how to behave".

I would love to be able to enjoy teaching good kids but tell the government to allow us to do it!

Sorry for the rant but it is really difficult to have 6 or so kids who disrupt you at every turn and you get no support from the parents.

I dont blame the teachers, in fact i feel huge sympathy for them. They are in a no win situation.
I blame the system and it's obsession with inclusivness, usually to the detriment of the vast majority of children who want to learn.

I think there's a lot to be said for inclusiveness when it's handled well. The worst boy my DS started with in reception was a chair throwing, pick a fight kid. The school worked with his mother, and with him. It took a year, but he's now rarely violent - he's still a handful, but none of the children in the class are scared of him, and I've seen them work with him to try to help him when he loses his temper. The system they have for discipline in the school works well and he's not allowed to be disruptive, as if he is it's swiftly dealt with by the same rules as they have for all pupils. The boy's come on amazingly and is very much part of the class - he's also friends with my son, which I'd never have thought was possible when they first met. So personally I think there's a lot to be said for inclusion. My son's learned not to judge someone on first appearances, which is a great lesson to learn. I've also watched the mother of that boy visibly relax. Her son could easily have been labelled and excluded and now he's got a chance. Surely that's a positive.

All three of mine are 'well behaved' children and i've lost count of the number of time's one of them, have come home clearly upset because they have not had a sticker etc but the child that was naughty got one

My dc has an incentive point system and that works for every child.

It doesn't matter if a child is well or badly behaved, they all get rewarded for the same things.

My dd1 is top of her class for reading, is very well behaved and has the 2nd most amount of incentive points behind her friend. The disruptive child in her class only has a handful.

She always gets stickers too for reading well too

I meant dc school