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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think you get less attention at school as a 'well behaved' child?

141 replies

mylifemykids · 29/01/2010 18:36

I'm so fed up of DS coming home and telling me his teacher hasn't had time to change his reading book/listen to him read/tell the class their daily story just because she's been busy with x,y or z who have been naughty AGAIN.

He's such a well behaved little boy and the majority of his class are also well behaved. There are about 6 children in his class who have been labelled as 'challenging' (not SN before anyone asks) and therefore seem to take up A LOT of the teacher/TA's time.

Today DS came home very upset because one of these children got the first 'Headmistress Star of the Week award' in their class (it was their first time at assembly with the whole school). When I asked him why he was so upset about it he said 'well S is always naughty but he got an award for being good just for one week when I'm good EVERY week and I didn't get one'

I know I probably ABU because obviously these children need to be dealt with but it just seems the majority of the class seem to suffer because of it.

AIBU to think this is normal practise in all schools?!

OP posts:
misssurrey · 30/01/2010 15:38

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Ingles2 · 30/01/2010 15:50

you right, of course they need their self esteem/ confidence boosting on a regular basis but is that not our job as parents? the teacher is there to teach...
and surely regular rewards (of the sticker/paper award variety) lose all real significance? I don't imagine you get that sense of real accomplishment and pride from a true achievement when you get rewarded regularly for basics.
I'm surprised you mentioned a 9yr old MissSurrey,... I thought we were talking much younger. I have an 8 and 10 who completely understand that life isn't fair, that all children have different goals to reach and differing circumstances. It wouldn't even cross their minds to be bothered that some dc's get to use a special art set...

MillyR · 30/01/2010 15:58

Ingles2, I wanted to apologise to you. I was rude to you on a thread and it has haunted me for months. I can't remember what the thread was about but I am sorry.

misssurrey · 30/01/2010 16:05

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Ingles2 · 30/01/2010 16:06

Are you sure it was me Milly???? cos I seriously don't remember..and if it was, Thank you, but honestly, you can insult me as much as you like, I have the memory of a pea.

TheFallenMadonna · 30/01/2010 16:10

Doesn't a 9, 10 or 11 yo see the bigger picture then? That they are learning whole another child is 'playing with an art set'? That they will be more successful, do better, have an easier time of it? If not, then someone is certainly failing them, and I hope you are helping them to see that they are actually significantly better off than a child who at age 10 cannot socialise with his or her peers.

Ingles2 · 30/01/2010 16:12

MissSurrey, sorry I think you're a bit confuddled...
The first part of my post was in reply to mrsruffalo...
I'm definitely not missing the point about the art set though,...neither of my boys are concerned or affected by the behaviour or rewards of others in the class.
I don't personally believe any child is inherently naughty but if there a behavioural issues that are so severe I think you should speak to the school.

Ingles2 · 30/01/2010 16:13

on the whole I think they do at that age FallenMadonna,...

misssurrey · 30/01/2010 16:16

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misssurrey · 30/01/2010 16:17

I'm so sorry, Ingles2...I do this a lot, new here..lots to learn and no quote system.

2shoes · 30/01/2010 16:20

donkeyderby gig upir dd go t the same school as my ds? because he had a similar problem, he was being bullied, but all the teacher talked about was the cover of his book!!!

Ingles2 · 30/01/2010 16:20

I'm sorry, how am I simplifying things?
with all due respect, it appears from your post your ds is unable to understand that some children in his class struggle more than he does and when they achieve small things, they are rewarded...

TheFallenMadonna · 30/01/2010 16:26

You seem to be suggesting that the teacher is rewarding the bad behaviour with treats. In which case I think you are oversimplifying.

Of course your son's publishing success should be celebrated.

Goblinchild · 30/01/2010 16:41

"There was also a time when really disruptive children were dealt with properly and excluded from school, which, as someone said earlier, I think some schools are too scared to do nowadays'

We don't beat them any more either, or call children thick and useless, or their parents undeserving and idle scroungers. So different to my own schooldays.

MyHouseIsASquashAndASqueeze · 30/01/2010 17:32

"you can't always say the way some children behave is because of this or that, some children are inherently naughty"

Really? Your evidence being what? there are reasons for the behaviour of every single person on this planet and some of them are inherited but the vast majority are learned.

It might not be something obvious to an outsider, and it's fair to say that two children put in the same situation may come out of very differently (some will misbehave some will not).

I guess all I'm saying is a kid that we might see as "inherently naughty" might have all sorts of reasons for the way they behave, and of course if it is an inherited trait then they still need attention to try to rectify it so it doesn't really matter anyway!!

mrschigur · 30/01/2010 17:39

missurrey - what makes you think some children are just "inherently naughty"? I am genuinely interested. When do we know a child is "inherently naughty"? Is there a link between "inherent naughtiness" and abuse, neglect and emotional disturbance?

Wouldn't you rather your child was learning than "using an art set"?

nooka · 30/01/2010 18:26

I have an inherently naughty and an inherently good child. At least sometimes it seems that way. At school they had different things to learn.

For dd, who loves school, socialises easily, loves to do whatever the teacher tells her, concentrates easily and naturally sits still it was about learning to say to the teacher, on occasion that she was unhappy about something (like sitting next to the naughtiest boy for too long).

For ds who finds it very hard to sit still, marches to his own drum, is impulsive and doesn't understand consequences, gets angry and can't control himself, finds it difficult to make friends and is dyslexic, it was pretty much everything. He is also not SN, although he has had a lot of assessments in the past.

He still at 10 has a reward chart, because for him it works. It means that instead of being called in all the time to discuss how to manage his behavior, his behaviour is managed and he is doing well. It makes him less disruptive because of that, and the other children now feel OK around him and he is making friends.

We are lucky in that they have always been to good schools where both of them have been obviously loved. But I don't feel that dd has lost out because she has had to be more self directed at times when her teacher has been looking after more needy kids, because she has the ability to self direct, and it is a good skill to learn. She has also learnt from seeing ds in bits when her school report has come back glowing and his has come back with lots of "could do betters". She understands that he genuinely finds it very hard to be "good".

So OP, could be bad class management, or could be that your ds needs more understanding of others (again a life skills that grows over time), or that he is seeing things from just his point of view, and forgets the verbal praise and focuses on the big things (my dd was inclined to do this - often when we spoke to the teacher we'd get a different picture).

Keepo · 30/01/2010 18:29

There is a girl in my dd class at school who frequently smashes up the classroom. She has vandalised the library and hurt other children. She smashes windows. She has a major tantrum every day. She is nine years old now and this has been going on for years. She takes up a great deal of teaching time even with the TA at hand. She often gets special treatment. While the others do maths she does baking cupcakes. While the others do english she is allowed to play in the corner.

I know that this child probably has a terrible life. However, it does give the other children a very odd message. My dd who always works hard and does all her homework etc has never had star of the week award. However, the difficult child gets it about once every five weeks as far as I can tell, usually becasue she has managed a day without hitting anyone. My dd is mature enough to understand why but still finds this very difficult. She is basically ignored because she is nice.

She is also regularly used as a buffer between this girl and other children on the carpet because she "does not react or hit back" so the teacher says !

Last week she finally did hit back. Well, actually she pulled the other girls hair when she spat on her. She came home and told me that she was informed that she would not have to sit next to her any more. I have requested this many times. However, the only thing that has caused her to be moved is my own dds bad behaviour. Again this is a very odd message to give.

I do think that teachers are put in an impossible situation here. I do not know how they are supposed to cope.

carocaro · 30/01/2010 18:42

YANBU

This happened in DS1 class last year, horrific child, caused nerve damage in a girls nose by hitting her face on the playground which was the worst, plus numerous other things to other people, including belting the teacher.

He was on gifted and talented too, so no 'issues' alledgedly. My DS1 6 at the time refused to clap him for a kindness certificate (for helping the TA clear some books away) he had received as only the day before this boy had ripped the pocket of DS1's shirt and put his tie in the loo.

The teacher put note about it in his homework diary, very rude and sniffy. I was totally livid and went in the next day and explained why I was cross, far too much focus on this one child, the others were getting zip for continued good behavior and quite frankly this child had them all running rings around them.

She apologised and crumbled in front of me, saying he was the worst child she had ever taught and he was making the whole classes life a misery.

To cut a long story short, he was excluded for two weeks after a discussion with his parents, went to to an educational psychologoist and seemed to be better when he came back.

I hate to say this, but they emigrated at the end of the last school year and I was glad to see them go.

TheFallenMadonna · 30/01/2010 18:51

"He was on gifted and talented too, so no 'issues' alledgedly". These two things are by no means mutually exclusive.

Goblinchild · 30/01/2010 18:57

My son is on the G&T register for two areas of the curriculum.
And he has a formal diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome. He stims and gets aggressive under stress. So no, not mutually exclusive.
I've often felt people got more annoyed that he had no learning issues other than the AS. Easier to feel sorry for someone if they aren't knocking the spots off your child metaphorically as well as physically.

ElenorRigby · 30/01/2010 19:04

In state schools with 30 plus class sizes, well behaved achievers get lost whilst teachers do crowd control.
That's one of the reasons DD will be going to a prep school.
I was shy, polite and ignored in state primary education. I wont have that for DD.

BicycleBelle · 30/01/2010 19:28

The end of year school reports at my DCs school includes a comment sheet for parents' responses. When DD1 left primary school last year, I finally let rip. It was so apparent from the teacher's comments that he had no idea who my daughter was. After 7 years at the school the best he could come up with to send her on to secondary school was that she was pleasant and polite. I had previously sat through a parents evening when it became apparent at the end that he had been talking about another girl of the same name. If teachers have to spend as much time as I am told they do in filling in forms and assessments why do so many well behaved and normally intelligent children become invisible?

Ingles2 · 30/01/2010 20:04

That's not necessarily true Elenor..ds1 is G&T in 2 areas, well behaved, polite, is doing extremely well in his state junior with loads of extra support for his maths (his specialism)

Cyclops · 30/01/2010 20:19

Have read the thread and agree with Ingles2 that too many rewards/stickers is probably too many rewards/stickers and that it is the parent's/parents' job to build up a child's self esteem. When I was at school, only 'bad' behaviour was recognised and 'rewarded', for example, via lines, detention, cane , suspension or explusion. 'Good' behaviour was just BAU.